Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#161

Oh fr ? :thinking: I’m a bit skeptical about that since no one seems to drop a like lol. ( This ain’t YouTube :joy:)

Any improvements? Well I’m out right now instead of staying at home, but I’m just in another house. But I’m looking for something to take back home with me.

Oh and also I cleaned my room so that’s something.


#162

I’m reading and enjoying your journal too :blush: :wink:


#163

Great! Being out even in somebody else’s house counts as an improvement… Cleaning the room should be everyday, even if there’s nothing to clean, just a little of organization can make a difference… Looking forward to hear from you tomorrow, keep it up and stay strong!


#164

Day 7:

:sob: Thank you guys so much, really thank you for the taking the time to reply to me @neveragaintw and @happinessisinourhands. If there’s anything that would be helpful in improving this journal I’d be happy to hear some feedback from you guys.

Yes my mood is so much better since yesterday that I’m smiling too much today. I decide to talk to some of my close friends but I haven’t mentioned about the confession.
They’ve started to talk a bit more which is good. And I’m planning on traveling with them just to get my mind of things. I’m so excited hopefully my passport gets renewed on time.

Also I finally got all my sewing supplies together. And bought some new patterns, so looking forward to that. Plus I picked up some watercolour paper to get me back into art and practice more instead of doodling all the time.

As for today, I exercised and ate a big breakfast which I wasn’t able to in the past few days. Followed my skincare routine and brushed my hair as well.

Yh I’m feeling great today overall and I hope you guys are as well.


#165

That’s great!!
You can have a happy life after all, right? Hope you stay productive and happy, Nothing can prevent you from being so. And if you travel it’s ok not to post daily in here, try to get your mind of your phone and tech overall… I am so happy for you. Being the person you are is the first step towards success… Stay strong!


#166

I think a diary is something that you write for yourself. You don’t have to worry that it is not interesting or so.
It is all about having a place where you can write everything you want. Also writing about problems helps me a lot in finding a solution.

I don’t think that you need an advice on your diary. It is already really good :wink: :slight_smile:

Enjoy your time with your friends :slight_smile:


#167

Day 10:

On day 8 I was typing up the first paragraph when I just stopped and went to sleep. I don’t know what it was but I just stopped and put my phone down. I guess maybe I was tired?

But I know for a fact that I’m struggling with my internet usage I mean I’ve been telling myself to block everything but the app itself doesn’t work at times. So I end up taking that opportunity and I end up wasting my time.

And if I block something I move onto something else that seems entertaining. That’s why I’ve blocked my settings to prevent that.

But yesterday was great I only ended up using my phone for 5 hours. It’s still alot but it’s much better than the days before where my average was about 6-7 hours. I’ll be going out today so that number should be in half.

Well as for other things, I’ve continued to exercise for the past week, eat a good breakfast, do some work and feeling happy about myself at times. But I’m still not doing enough like I can’t keep myself seated at times.

But right now I feel like crap, I can’t stand myself and for the past 2 days I’ve been getting this anxious feeling whenever I wake up. I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking about my own future and what I plan to do with it.

Why is it that I’ve had this feeling for the past 5-6 years where I’m not too sure about anything , the 15 year old me had a better and clear idea of what they wanted to achieve in life but not the me right now.

I wanna say don’t force yourself but I don’t want to be in a future where I’m still trying to figure myself out.


#168

All this time and I legit never thought you were a girl :joy: I feel pranked for calling you a bro soo many time but you are still a bro anyways​:smile: glad too see you are still kicking it, I just noticed that you say you lack motivation, could i reccomend you start lifting weights or atleast consider it and see if you feel any diffrent? Am sure you will like it, I bought my gym equipments online and since then I have been lifting at home and I feel a whole lot better.


#169

@happinessisinourhands thank you for the kind words as always, yh I’ll try to reduce my internet usage but it’s so hard.

My emotions have been all over the place but I’m doing okay.

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, so hopefully I get to go before the end of summer :sob:.


#170

Thank you @neveragaintw I won’t let my emotions get the best of me :triumph:.

And yh I’ve noticed I don’t write much about the challenges I have with nofap, I should probably write more about that.


#171

Sorry man :joy: but yh I’m still one of the bros.
Funny enough you mentioned about weights I was about to pick up my hand weights from storage when my mum told me not to.

Maybe I should sign up for the gym but exercising at home has helped and I did a bit of walking in the mornings but this heatwave just puts me off completely.


#172

I find lifting at home way better but that is individual choice plus am also on saving mode, lifting is awesome especially for us on nofap


#173

Yh that’s what I think but no my mum’s like you can’t ruin the house , cause my brother’s might swing one and let it go😂.


#174

Ah the perks of having younger siblings :roll_eyes::roll_eyes::roll_eyes:


#175

Day 12:

This is the time I normally sleep at but because of the way I’ve been feeling about things I thought I should take the time and write up on how I’m feeling just to ease up on the stress and anxious feelings I’ve been getting in the past few days.

Well where do start, I heard the guy I used to like is getting engaged soon.
I don’t know what to say but I was a bit taken back by it when I shouldn’t be. I started feeling weird, I’ve never really felt this way before and I don’t know what it was but I was definitely not happy for him that’s for sure.

And for a second I wanted to ruin it for him, but that’s not me since I’ve wished him the best with everything and that I should be able to congratulate them on this occasion but I just can’t bring myself to do that you know.

Anyway I’ve started to think about my future more often but I struggle to imagine myself achieving something significant in my life. It could be anything really but nothing comes to mind.
I just feel so numb and it hurts, god please help me with this internal struggle that I’ve been going through for the past few years. Take me out of this hell hole of self doubt and the continuous vicious cycle of never getting myself out there.

Everything that I start I never seem to finish it , always beating myself up about things , being way to pessimistic about myself and never having the confidence to be proud of my own work.

I’ve bought stuff so that I can use it but instead I just chuck to the side. I don’t dress up anymore like I used to and I’m someone who loves fashion. Instead I lock myself up in my room and just waste my time away.

When I do start something I’m just constantly full of doubt.

Please let this end soon and fuck that asshole for toying with my emotions.


#176

Day 13:

I wrote something early on today but didn’t finish it and I just ended up closing it so let’s try this again.

How do I feel about today regarding nofap, well no urges at all for the past 13 days which is great , no sensitive feelings another bonus and haven’t been reading anything that might lead me into a relapse.

If anyone’s wondering what I’ve been doing to avoid it all it’s just my minds occupied with other things in my life but I won’t lie I’ve had moments where I’ve thought about it just so that I could remove any stress related feelings cause that’s the only thing that seems to help with it. I need to learn how to except it and move on to better ways on how to handle stress.

I forgot to mention this but showering in the morning seems to work with any anxious feeling I’m having after I wake up.

About that guy I’ve been having this feeling of guilt since yesterday and I wanna do something but I promised that I wouldn’t. I don’t want to end up ruining two people’s happiness for life. I don’t think I could live with that but why did my sister have to tell me about there engagement. I was better off not knowing.

I just feel so shit right now but on the plus side I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone so hopefully things will get better tommorow.


#177

Day 14:

I haven’t been experiencing any feeling of happiness for the past 2 days but I’ve managed to decreas my phone use from 7 to an average of 5, hopefully this number will continue to decrease.

I went out for a bit yesterday and bought some stuff even if it wasn’t much at least it’s better than sitting at home getting distracted by my negative thoughts.

Work wise I haven’t done much but I just went through my things, did a bit of drawing but not much since I was taking time to draw one eye and as usual spent time looking for some things that I might need. My sister’s been encouraging me to do more with my art which is encouraging.

How do I feel today? I don’t know but that anxious feeling is still there , I’ve continued to shower every morning to compact the anxiousness. Didn’t excercise today so maybe I should do that after this and try to read some helpful books.

I’ve thought about signing up for some courses to get myself out there more or maybe join the gym. The idea is to surround myself with something new and a better distraction but I can’t avoid my own problems forever since it’s becoming unhealthy.

So where do I see myself in the future? And do I ever plan on being with someone cause right now I can’t imagine myself doing that even though I’ve confessed to someone before.

I hate my sensitive personality that’s always avoiding the feeling of being hurt, I can’t just continue pretending that everything’s okay when it’s not.

Anyway I hope today’s going to be an okay day maybe even better than yesterday.


#178

Day 15:

A little over two weeks now so congratulations to me :tada:.

It’s always good to take a look back on this journey and reminde ourselves that you shouldn’t give up so easily since things definitely get better each time. And that you should be proud of yourselves for even trying to break out of a habit that was built over the years. It’s not easy that’s for sure but it’s possible to change all that.

Just don’t ever give in to temptation and keep on going even if it means starting from the bottom as long as you come back, that’s all that matters.

I’m definitely one to testify for that, since everytime I relapsed I came back and started my counter again and continued.
I had days were I’d relapsed but tried to make excuses for myself not to restart the counter.

You know waking up with this anxious feeling has its benefits, I mean I don’t like it but it means that I push myself to get out of bed and start my day unlike before I’d relapse just so that I wouldn’t feel anything.

That numb sensation that followed, a feeling of nothingness after every relapse made me so lifeless, I just didn’t have anything to look forward to, I felt so isolated and I’m afraid if I ever go back to that way of life I’ll struggle to progress at all just so that I wouldn’t feel any stress and anxiousness.

But being stressed and being anxious all these emotions anger, happiness, sadness, everything is just part of being human. You experience heartbreak, turmoil and whatever in betweens and it sucks but that’s what it means to be human.

Anyway I’m rambling on now but whoever you are don’t lose hope keep going and we’re all rooting for you.


#179

I forgot to mention this but my brother asked something really weird to me yesterday and his not the only one.

He said that I look so sad these days, I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean since he seemed to enjoy pointing that out to me and asking me why I’m so miserable.

I guess it’s not that easy to get over someone unless I’m feeling guilty about something.

Oh and someone else asked me if I’ve ever been suicidal, so I asked her if she ever felt like that and she said yes. :sob:


#180

Wishing you well on your journey!

That weird thing happened to me too, unrelated people asking if I’m okay within a couple of weeks, where I was actually doing well, dealing with struggles