Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#141

Yes that’s true but it isn’t something I’m struggling with and I haven’t mentioned anywhere on my diary entries about pmo but more about masturbation.

But thank you for your words of encouragement it really means alot to me.


#142

@Sparklymango, what a plot twist! :wink:
There are also other girls in this forum, and interestingly it seems that they don’t have a problem with porn but just with masturbation, like you.
If I were you, I’d start a thread just for female addicts to exchange tips, especially because I’m thinking most of what I’m going through with porn is not really that helpful or relevant for you.
Congrats on reaching 100 days!


#143

Day 0:

I relapsed at 101 days and honestly at the time I guess it just all got to me and I’m just so surprised at how quickly it all happened.

I’m disappointed of course but at the same time I didn’t really resolve my my major issues concerning nofap.
But the most weirdest thing happened to me.

I felt guilt!

Which I haven’t for a long time but I woke up half way through my sleep and I was crying, stressing myself as to why I would let it happen and this feeling of disappointment carried on until I got up.I still honestly feel like that even after having a cold shower.

And I realised for the past 3 months not having any stable internet connection meant that I was doing more things and going out more. But the moment I got myself a data sim plan I just ended wasting time browsing things online and just talking to people I haven’t even met!

So wasting time meant that I ended up relapsing as to how, well for the last 3 months I felt nothing , no desire or urges to relapse but sitting in bed wasting time when I was supposed to sleep was the moment I relapsed yesterday night.

In the beginning of nofap my internet usage was around 4-5 hours of use a day but now it’s gone up to 6-7 sometimes even 8-9 hours!

And I was fighting this same urge for the last 3 days but I caved in. Why ? Well for one thing I was wasting time, staying in , not doing really any work and just pushing people away was the main cause of this problem.

So new start with new goals:

  1. Reach 10 days for now
  2. Exercise
  3. Cut down my internet usage
  4. Work at least for 2-3 hours a day
  5. Go out everyday even if the hot sun is out.
  6. Write everyday in this journal acknowledging your problems
  7. Be more creative
  8. Don’t give any fucks
  9. Take care of yourself more
  10. Clean more

I think that’s about it for now.
I’ll try to write more on here and try to understand my underlying problems rather than be target driven .
You can reach 100 days but if you end up relapsing then something’s going on.
Here’s to the next 100 days!


#144

@Sparklymango, even if your counter now is at zero, you managed not to give into your habits for 101 days! You did not fail in your path, you just had a pothole in the road. :wink:
I love your resolve. Always analyze your triggers, and then avoid them.
I’ve been keeping my bedroom electronics-free, and it has helped me a lot. No late-night/early-morning relapses without internet! Also, I read a book at night in bed until I sleep, keeping my mind occupied.
You can do it!


#145

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.
I’m nearly at the end of my 1st day so I’ll just think all of this as a test for me to better myself instead of beating myself up about it.

The feelings gone but now I’m just feeling heartbreak :sob: weird right?


#146

Day 1:

Today I just feel so crap my heart, my mind and my throat just feel ugh. I’ve been crying alot since yesterday night.

Maybe it’s heartbreak I don’t know but I’m just disappointed in myself and everything around me.

I hate that I can’t be honest with myself and my feelings, I think I like someone but maybe I’m just filling this void up with the thought of them. Since it’s been so long that I’ve felt like that about someone.

There’s this heavy feeling just sitting on my chest and like something’s squeezing my heart. And I feel sick just full of regret and how I let a few things get to me.

It’s nearly been 2 hours since I woke up and I haven’t done anything except for forcing food down my throat.
Cause when I feel upset I lose my appetite and I won’t eat properly for the whole day.

I should start exercising today! Maybe that’ll help with my emotions.


#147

I suggest do nosurf as well along side with nofap


#148

I’ve thought about it for a while cause I used to go through the nosurf subreddit but I never joined.

I’ve tried compating this problem by downloading a few apps and stuff but I always end up finding a way to unblock it or just wasting my time on something else.

And the 1st few days always seem to be the worst cause I start overthinking about everything.

But thank you for bringing it up I might just make a reddit account.


#149

You dont have to make a reddit account though, you can just google it and read the nosurf content without a reddit account, that what i did because for me reddit is one of the site that is wasting a lot of my time. Doing nosurf means to control, use less and not wasting time on the internet with mindless browsing, social media ( fb, twitter, insta, reddit, ect ) and streaming. Btw nice to meet you


#150

(I fell asleep as I was writing this yesterday :sob:.
So no day 2 diary entry)

Yh I’ve also done that but I need a proper journal something that would keep my mind occupied with, like this diary does for me with nofap and it’s provided me with alot of motivation.

But it’s been a while since I’ve been on nosufr so maybe I should bookmark it and look through it more and implement some stuff into my own routine.


#151

Day 3:

So yesterday was one of the worst days in terms of productivity, all I did was waste time on WhatsApp and cry :joy:.

I hate this feeling of not being useful to myself I think I need to see someone about this but where and who do I ask?

But for once I exercised and cleaned my room, so that’s a start but it just went downhill from there. I didn’t do any work and I didn’t go out to return my book so I just ended up renewing it online. And this was a book I haven’t read at all.

Honestly when I started opening up to someone about something’s I felt a bit better but the advice they gave me , I didn’t like it so much.
I mean I understand that people are much more experienced than me but it doesn’t mean I would go through the same thing as them.

And being quiet about everything will just make me feel even worse. I need to sort these feelings out and talk to them about it.

I think I really like them and I’ve never felt this way before about anyone but I’m not in the right place in my life to pursue these feelings.

Anyway I’ll exercise today and eat a good breakfast , try to start with even one hour of work and not be tempted to change the settings for my block app also wash my clothes today.

Hope everyone else is having good day.


#152

Day 4:

So it’s 3:42 am here and I woke up about 2:30 am and I haven’t really been able to sleep since then.
I think I’ve only had about 3 hours of sleep and I feel so crap.

Was I wasting time online? No I did something that I never thought in million years I would do and that’s confess to someone I like.

But the outcome wasn’t what I was hoping for but man was he thrash he was so misleading straight up telling me things that anyone would think oh he likes you.

But the worst part was when he realised himself that I might like him and he just avoided me completely.

So I messaged him and confessed, but it turns out his serious about someone else and has plans of marrying her.

Fuck me, I instantly felt regret and I was so stupid to get swayed by these feelings but I’m glad I did it I mean this was the 1st time I was able to confess to someone I don’t think I could ever have done it if wasn’t for this.

But now I’m drowning in this horrible feeling of hurt and I wanna scream and shout but I can’t cause it’s pointless, I played myself since I saw it coming. All I’ve been doing is cry for the last 3 days but after confessing it made it worse.

He wanted friendship but I wanted more.
He was saying everything without even thinking about the effects on me.

I should have ended it before it started but it’s life for you. It sucks but I had the balls to do something I wasn’t able to before I just have to learn how to deal with this residual feelings.

Here’s to better days, I’ll show him what he missed out on.
Get my life together and leave this hell hole of pointless feelings.


#153

Thats alright, at least you try right, you will never know if you not try


#154

Day 5:

Thank you @Mospeda your right, at this point in time I honestly don’t regret it , it still hurts and everything seems so boring since he stopped talking to me but like you said if I never tried I wouldn’t have ever known. And the weird thing is I wasn’t ever planning to confess but then I went in for it.

22 and my 1st confession, man does it still bother me, I was way too nice now that I think about it. I was constantly saying it’s fine, it’s okay and no need to apologise.

However I wanna change so I ended up deleting WhatsApp, so no more distractions and meaningless conversation. Maybe it was for the best but I’m starting to miss the incoming messages.

As for my sleep I did get some yesterday after coming back from work which was good but I didn’t really eat at all since my appetite seems almost non existent. I’m usually like that whenever I’m upset or stressed.

As for my mental well being, I’ve been thinking about therapy and if I should seek out for some help because of my lack of motivation in life and never being able to finish anything seems a bit worrying. I mean I’ve got this arblock for a few years now , I never finish anything and just doodle instead.

Have I followed anything on my list? No unfortunately as I’ve been feeling low since the past few days.

Here’s to better days.


#155

Day 6:

I just feel so lonely now since I left WhatsApp and not many of them have realised that I’m gone. I guess I didn’t really mean much to them to begin with. I slept well but I woke up early again. I feel so numb and alone like I wanna go back but it’s too late now and I need to focus on my future and myself.

So with time I’ll heal but it’s so difficult and this feeling of the unknown it’s started to get to me. How the fuck did I end up here.

Where did my ambitions in life go , where’s that goofy child that used to laugh at her own jokes? The one that had accomplished so much, had so much confidence in themselves and thought so highly of themselves.

I just want to talk someone but I have to be the one to take that 1st step and move forward. But here I am stuck feeling like shit.

Sorry I don’t normally swear but when your feeling like this you just can’t help it.

Okay I think I need to get myself out of this feeling of hopelessness and become more optimistic.

But how do I do that when I don’t even love myself?


#156

@Sparklymango
You really have to concentrate on the things that you need and the things that you don’t…
Stop beating yourself it’s only you who is losing after all from all of this…
You actually need someone to shake you hardly from your shoulders and scream at you “Just WAKE UP!!”
Why the desperation? Here you are month after the other… Wasting time with me and everyone else where you can be doing something that is actually worth it… Just have a strong faith that you can do anything in your life and you will see what I mean.
For me, 14 days were more than enough to take over my life for good… I am way better now without PMO. But I chose to go the easier way… No excessive Internet, no Facebook, no reddit… Just studying, walking, playing, working out, loving life and the people around me, staying away from false drama, and here I am strong enough to face almost anything bad can happen with a happy face and a stable mood…
One step to the other and you will be there… Try to meditate in the morning… Try to sleep earlier and don’t sleep during the day, wake up at 6 AM everyday, meditate, eat at the same time everyday, do something you are actually good at, what can you do well? Can you draw? Write? Start writing a short story and I will be willing to read it and give you my review (just try to be optimistic in it :-D)
I am sorry if I was too hard on you, I just felt you need someone to tell you this…
Get up now… Now! Do something that makes you happy, anything good… And tell us tomorrow…


#157

Thank you so much @happinessisinourhands for taking the time to reply to me and no the advice you gave me it’s everything that I need to hear right now , since I woke up I haven’t done anything productive.

I’m feeling so much better after reading this honestly you don’t know how much it means to me whenever people give me advice and time to read my journal.

The one person that used to look out for me has left so I don’t really have anyone else, I’ve had friends in the past just leave me after telling them everything. It just gets to me you know, I think to myself what’s wrong with me and why did I become so negative.

Really thank you for writting this out and about my hobbies I’ve got a few.

I’ll be back tommorow with a better mood.


#158

We all hope you will get better tomorrow, and we will be willing to read all your boring journal if it is necessary (lol just kidding :-D)
Stay strong, see you tomorrow… I’ll be there for you…


#159

:triumph::sob: my writting it’s actually boring right? I thought so :neutral_face::joy:

Cause I get aired so much sometimes I think I must be really boring like wth no need to leave me hanging like that.

Is that why you mentioned about the story thing so that I could try to improve my writing🤔.
You can be honest with me lol.


#160

Lol not at all, I was totally joking… Your journal is one of the most interesting topics around here…
So, any improvements? Tell us what you are up to…