Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#101

I really feel stressed right now :sob: and my head hurts so much, I don’t know what to do.

Talking to some people just feels like I’m talking to the wall and it’s just too much, I wonder if anyone also feels like that when there talking to me.

Its just know I need to be careful and vent my stress out someway because I know I might end relapsing later on or even tommorow when I’m free.

The only reason nothing has happened now is that I need to leave soon for work.

I honestly physically feel sick and there’s a heavy feeling just sitting at the top of my chest.
I just want to for once wake up stress free and continue my day like that.

It’s just too difficult having to talk to my mum about certain things, and she tells me my brother can’t do anything when in reality she won’t let him talk since she’s too busy talking over him.

Mum I love you but please make it easier for us to help you and just have some trust in us instead of believing strangers more.
I have to shout at you just to get my point across but that’s not right. I shouldn’t have to shout rather let’s just talk properly and forget about the past but move forward instead.

I guess that’s a trait I inherited from my mum.


#102

Everyone has problems , even me I struggle talking to my parents and that point I mentioned in another topic , but remember that relapsing won’t do any good
Do NOT find yourself silly reasons to relapse
Its complicated that urges we feel blinds our mind needs ( not relapsing ) so keep it together
Do not avoid anything by Do anything else. Because this is not really curing your illness like @neveragaintw said
You say what to do and what not to , silly chemicals shall not control us anymore we are not animals


#103

Thanks @Omar7Adel I was just in a position where I just honestly felt crap and I didn’t know what to do about it but when I decided to just write everything that I felt at that moment down, I just got that sense of relief and I felt so much better, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

I came back home from work feeling tired and just really bored. It’s so boring and it drains the life out of you. I see now why people leave after 3 months. I get it and now I also feel like leaving but honestly I need to stay for financial reasons .

But hey that’s life right?

(I really need to get my writing organized )


#104

Hey , I want to tell you one more thing about your work , I always get up at 6:00 am to 8:00 am and study my lessons all day until I sleep at 12:00 am again so its kinda like a job , of course I play sometimes and have other duties go outdoor etc .
Despite I complained so many times about the boring process and that I can’t keep up , came to my mind that " what is the meaning of life if there is no challenges , like seriously easy life is more boring " which motivated me studying and keep saying no more fapping , NEVER again

Hope you get the point my friend :slight_smile: and wish you Get better the upcoming days


#105

Thank you again @Omar7Adel I also hope the best for you on this journey, I just woke up and I’m already getting distracted but reading your comment has given me the motivation to get up now. I’ll try and work as hard as you do :+1:

Day 4 here I come !


#106

Day 5:

I didn’t really write anything yesterday since I did nothing.
I was actually really close to relapsing yesterday since I was so bored but my friends messaged me with what they were doing and it just made me stop and think.

It’s really been a long time since I actually stopped myself and when I do I tend to relapse the next morning.
Good thing that never happened today.

Why was I so tempted? Cause the stress was really getting to me I just hope that this all will soon come to an end. Since its starting to take a toll on my mental health and wellbeing.

It’s only 11:50, so I should probably do something productive and maybe try going out to the park today.
I don’t know what to do, all I really want to do is just waste my time.

But there was something I did notice, for some reason I can’t ever imagine myself succeeding in life you know how they tell you to think about what you really want to do.

I can’t do that and it’s really starting to get to me , do I just plan on lasting around for the rest of my life and living off of my parents.


#107

Yeah i gonna be honest soon i will start working, it is true that work can suck but you gotta look at the whole picture sparklymango i like your name btw​:blush::blush:, but think about finacial stability hey go on youtube and search for this 2 guys osho and sadghuru they can heal you eoth their profound thoughts when feeling down


#108

:sob: I’ll try holding on still and congratulations for getting the job, hope it goes well. :clap:

:joy: I didn’t know what to name this account but thanks I’m glad you like it.

And I’ll check into that YouTube video now since I’m actually feeling down cause today’s been a really unproductive day for me.
I really need that motivation.

Tell me your ways brother :eyes:


#109

Day 6:

I’ve realised that my writing is straying and staring to sound really pessimistic and I don’t really write that much about anything that’s positive I’m my life.

I had a moment yesterday were I sat down and started thinking to myself but I couldn’t ?

And I was wondering why I couldn’t think about the future itself and the things I want to achieve so googled it to see if anyone else felt like me.

After a of bit reading I just closed the tab and went to bed. I couldn’t stand reading what I had read and I’m definitely not suffering from anything but I fell like something’s missing in my life.

I’m truly just a coward and I’d rather live in comfort then experience pain again. I should already be used to this feeling of regret, rejecting and failing but I still run away from it.

I’ll try writing something positive everyday even if it’s really insignificant I’ll try:

The weather’s really nice today compared to the last 2 days and I look forward to the scenery.
Hopefully this week I’ll go and check out some cherry or plum blossom trees.


#110

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#111

You are doing fine man, congrats on keeping your diary!
Just writing something is good, because it helps you to keep going.

Always there is a way to everything, even if we don’t see.
When we try to maintain a overall positive look on life, things can get a bit more easier.

When I think my life sucks and all I do was bad and useless, I try to remember about the good things I am grateful for, like my life, family, relative health, our earth, the sky, the sun, and all good people there exists all over and then I remember that life is worth a lot.

But in the days that is so hard to concentrate on positive things, I try to not overthink about it. Just let the negative feelings pass away, because they not help.

And then another day will come.
And the earth keeps rolling over and over is this vast vast universe and we are rolling over and over together.
(I just felt a bit dizzy :laughing:)

We are on this together! Keep going! :smiley::+1:


#112

Man I missed seeing your comments :sob:, I’m feeling really sick today and just when I made plans I need to work.

Thank you and yh I’m still trying to keep up with the diary but it can get difficult sometimes.
Summers here, the weather must be great where you are. I can’t really handle the heat but it’s not bad.

Heres to better days :+1:


#113

Day 8:

So yesterday I was feeling alright until I had to go out into the blazing sun wearing dark clothes.
Even worse the store I work at doesn’t have a air conditioning so I was suffering for the whole day.

I hope work goes well today, since it’s just for 2 hours and I really do need to buy something that’s suitable for this weather.

As for my own productivity, gone out of the window completely and I’m in the middle of trying to figure out myself but my minds seems to keep on avaoiding it.

Maybe my past is something that’s hard for me to deal with.


#114

Day 9:

Finaly a free day to go out and something fun for once but I’m sick.
Stuck in bed in pain, my head ringing and my arms are aching as I’m trying to type this.

Yesterday I had work, feeling uncomfortable as always, surrounded by so many people.Honestly feels like my social interaction energy’s drained out and I just want to run home.

It’s just so weird that I can’t get used to a group of people after being somewhere for a while now. Maybe I always felt like this at the beginning🤔

I got nothing today, any urges? Nope


#115

Day 11:
I was having some issues yesterday but everythings good now so I can update this. I was gonna write something in note and copy and paste it but I got too lazy.

Even right now I don’t feel like typing since the last 2 days I been stuck in bed with a bad cold.
I really didn’t do anything, not much exercise and my appetites almost gone.

Summer seems to be coming and going since the cold weathers back. And as for me going out yh that didn’t happen because of this damn cold I have. And tommorow I have work :persevere:

It’s life what can I say.


#116

Good to hear how you are going bro!

I just relapsed yesterday after 5 days and as always it is not worth. At least the streaks are increasing and I did not watch P.

But now I am more determinated to not even think on give up trying to stop this and living my own life.

In here the weather is rainy going and back, I got some small cold, but I am fine.
Get rest when you can and I wish you get well soon of your cold!

As you said, it is the life, not always a sea of roses but it is our life! See ya! :smiley::+1:


#117

:sob: Sadraw your always so amazingly positive. I been wasting the last few days so much that my necks hurting from lying down too much. I maybe sick but that shouldn’t stop me from doing anything.

I need to get myself together and work hard. Distance myself from the new distraction that I created. Even though it’s helped me with this journey it’s not healthy in other ways.

Like my time management.

Sadraw keep going and never give up :+1:


#118

Day 13:

The days seem to be going alot quicker than it did for the most part of this month. Packing up everything so soon and expecting the unexpected it’s just too much for me.

I don’t know how I would handle the next few days without being under so much stress. I’m actually angery as I’m writting this. There’s a lump that’s just sitting in my throat and I want to really cry but for some reason I can’t today.

I just feel like my words are suffacating and I can’t express what I’m feeling right now.

My mum’s the most difficult person in my life that I can’t talk to.Most of the time it ends up turning into a heated argument, asking a simple question just makes her mad, I just don’t know and honestly I can’t take this.

I really just want to let it out, just everything and the emotions that’s always just bottling up.

I’m trying I’m really trying but I think this environments too toxic for me at this point. The last 5-7 years has been pure torture for me. And I’ve also realised that small things make me so paranoid. I’m afraid of my own future and what I would I become of.

I just might have to leave soon.


#119

You are going to be fine bro, just don’t do harsh things.
There is a way to everything, it will pass.

As for your mother, she must be sad too that you and her are not in good terms now, and must be hard to anyone come and speak. But what about instead to talk directly, you don’t try to write a letter for her, explaining your feelings?

It could be good for you two be in good terms again, because resentment can pile up, and this could be toxic and dangerous, like a untreated wound.

“Be wrathful, but do not sin; do not let the sun set while you are still angry”
Ephesians 4:26

And it is normal to be anxious, but we must not let be controlled and paralyzed by it. We always have a choice, no matter the situation. Even if we can’t control the circumstances, we can control how we respond to it.

I wish you better days bro! They surely will come!
Be strong! :slight_smile::+1:


#120

Thanks sadraw, I been going through something’s and my mum actually had a talk with me after the argument which she usually doesn’t. She was really upset and said everything she wanted to without me saying anything. I really did want to mention a few things but the timing just wasn’t right.

I was so angry and upset, there’s a reason why I can never have a proper one to one talk with her.
Because she never listens.

She expects me to be stressed all the time but at this point I’m just so tired and fed up.
I can’t take this anymore so why worry too much right. Talking to strangers online is making me forget about all that.

I need help and motivation but the people I do conceal in is just too much for them so they just distance. Therapy would be a good idea but I’m not financially in a position to get one.

I’ve lost all interest in everything.