Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#81

You would be surprised if you knew how similar our situations are as humans beings you are already strong for even thinking to do something about, you wanna hear something funny? Tomorrow i am going to look for a job as well i also have major social anxiety sometimes but this time i will keep my head up, we all should good luck on your journey sparkly mango wish me luck on my job interview :blush:


#82

You’ve got this @nagate I believe in you bro and that your job search will be successful.

I guess all of us in some way can relate to the problems we all experience in life, and in some cases it honestly feels like I’m reading a part of my life.

I’ve always put myself down , constantly being afraid to fail, even if I do say that I want to change, just the thought of taking that 1st step scares me.

And the friends I used to have just made it worse for me. I guess my surgery was the catalyst that led me into this problem.

Maybe I would be surprised at our similarities, man now I’m just curious :eyes:


#83

Day 0:

I’m finally back after 10 days of being busy with my life packing up and almost working everyday.

But I came back for all the wrong reasons.
I relapsed again and I’ve lost count at this point.

You would think that being busy would mean no time for any of that but I guess not.

Was I over stressed or in pain? Was something bothering me, but I don’t get any anxiety sleep attacks anymore since I started but I really don’t know what came over me.

I was supposed get out of bed the moment I woke up. But I was stuck there not wanting to move and once I relapsed I felt some sort of regret but a feeling of nothingness.

Going cold turkey doesn’t help at all but this journal did, writing down everyday how I felt worked.
Until I completely fell of track and barely updated this.

I thought that if I opened myself up more I would get better and stop relying on this addiction.

But I guess I was afraid of revealing too much hoping for things to improve on its own at times.

I need to do something about my low self-esteem and understand we’re all different in some ways.

Going cold turkey worked for some things but not for this one. I always link my internet usage to this problem. Maybe I should go back to reading physical books again.

Or try at least try to get back to my old hobbies.


#84

People falling back and getting back again and again motivates me more than anything.
Don’t give up @Sparklymango

I also have this internet addiction , last time I checked I spend 10 hours on my phone in a single day, so I m working on it. I can relate it with you. I think the main reason here is boredom. We feel internet is the only thing to pass the time when there are tons of other healthier ways. Books reading is the best one :ok_hand:


#85

Thanks @Ninja_with_ferrari I’ll keep that advice close to my heart.

In this day and age, everyone’s so consumed with the internet to pass by time that it’s almost the norm now.

I guess it’s also one of my mechanisms to avoid dealing with the bunch of s*** that’s been happening lately. But to be honest it’s a big problem in my household in general.

That’s what you get when your suffacating your kids constantly cause your too worried to risk them getting hurt.


#86

It’s still day 0 but I wanna write something down at this time when I’m usually asleep.

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this but I think I have some sort of social anxiety (not diagnosed) where I can never be around people I don’t know by myself.

Like at weddings or party’s especially when it’s more than 10 people, cause I came back from one and I just started crying since it was just too much for me.

I was just paranoid and uncomfortable the whole time. There was one person that seemed even bitchy and the way she was acting was unnecessary.

Why I’m I like this?


#87

Do the opposite. You feel wierd standing around strangers in parties… go to more parties, approach strangers you got nothing to lose.


#88

The more you are uncomfortable the more u grow


#89

You think? There are times when I do enjoy trying something new out that I was uncomfortable with first. That’s something I could try out.

But parties just drain my soul out and there’s the high expectations to look nice and dress appropriately.

I’d rather go in comfy jogging trousers than to wear something too fancy. And if I don’t I’ll probably just regret it later.

I don’t know about the crowd thing exactly what it is, I’ve been to some light installations this year and that was crowded but it wasn’t bad honestly but it depends really. It’s just parties where your expected to group with people you know, kinda puts me out of my place.

I don’t talk to my friends much and we don’t have much in common.
I feel like I’m the dead person in the group since I don’t Snapchat or dance (none of which I like).

And people stare too much like I get it I look different to normal ethnic group I’m in but that’s out of my control.

I’m an introvert but I wasn’t always like this since the first 8 years of my life (more like 3 years) I was extrovert. And the country we lived before was much safe for children to play out.


#90

Things will change once you have strong determination and an iron will to change yourself.
You will get your life back but first you have to make a successful streak of nofap hard mode.

:small_orange_diamond: This time do this trick for your first 21 days. Whenever you think to fap or any urges comes. Close your eyes in that moment and let the thoughts come without suppressing them. Feel them Rising up in your head. Feel that energy until it make peace. Do this every day and believe me you will Rise Again.
:innocent:


#91

I’m not that sure whether or not this is a direct cause of porn.
I had exactly the same problem. Having too many people around me made me feel terrible. Scared the shit out of me

I know that in my case, it was more a mental issue. I was insecure, I compared myself with other people and thought that I wasn’t as good as the others.
Now that I like who and how I am, it is easier for me to be surrounded by people.
2-3 years ago, i felt like drowning because the mass of people just swashes over me. Now, I can stand out of the crowd. Hence I don’t need to worry.

I don’t know too much about you but for me it was about liking my self. Also, not everyone has to enjoy clubbing. I absolutely hate it (too loud, too many people, only bitchy girls and posers) and I will never ever feel comfortable there because I don’t like it.


#92

The worst thing for me is, if I for a second think about edging everything spirals out of control, I can go hardmode if I want to but when I’m bored and I have my phone unlocked for a day that’s when I’m more likely to relapse.

But I’ll give that a shot and see cause right now my average is 13 days I’ll try change that.


#93

Bro that’s me but I never compared myself to people it was more of I was too critical of myself people would tell me that I’m pretty but I don’t see that.

And because I’m humble I would just say you too or no I’m not and I guess it sometimes pisses people of since I’m not accepting the compliment.

The worst ones are where they tell you if only you did this you’d be more beautiful.

All I see is a potato :sob: and I still hate it when people take my picture that’s why I never look at them.

As for clubs I’ve never attended any just house parties and that makes me uncomfortable.

But the best ones I like are movie nights with people I know. I honestly feel like I could be a stale piece of bread.

Why can I hold a good conversation with the opposite sex but never with the same sex :sob:


#94

Maybe I do compare myself to others but it’s not ever one ideal.

Like I wanna lose a bit of weight, get rid of my large pores and hyperpigmentation.

Actually start dressing up more nicely and do something about my chipmunk cheeks and go out and do the things I want more.

Be motivated and achieve the things I want in life. But I’m such a pessimist it kinda makes it hard.


#95

Day 3:

I really need to get out of bed now and start my day, my sleep pattern has been a mess for the past few days. And I’m feeling sick, hot and just sweaty.

I shouldn’t hold my pee in just so that I could get some extra sleep :sob:.
Well today’s going to be another busy day and please someone stop me from overstating too much with people I just met.

That’s something I really need to find control in and change completely. Not everyone wants what’s best for you , so it can just result in discouragement.


#96

Day 0 :

So I relapsed again about 9 hours ago after seeing something that triggerd me.
You would think that with a busy life schedule now, things would just get better.

But instead it’s just going down the drain and I’m relapsing to relieve stress, pain and boredom in my life.

I think I’m still in denial at the fact that I have an actual problem like my mind won’t except that I’ve just fapped and the impact it’s having on my life after it’s just happened.

You can aknowledge a problem but not the root cause , you can except that something’s already happend but did nothing about it beforehand.

It’s like when you feel down sometimes but you don’t know why unless you can aknowledge the problem at hand but not the cause of it .

I don’t know how to explain it well, okay I know I have a problem but I don’t know why I’m still persisting , it’s a stress relief way for me but maybe a way to avoid any pain I feel?
Maybe it’s also a way to relax myself?

I think I’m just really contradicting myself, I definitely have a weak will power that I need to work on .

Journalling helped until I just started to avoid it more , taking a break from it just meant that I broke a promise with myself.

Okay I think I’ll start a new journal, everything true to the core and a new start.


#97

i really like this post. you are one the right way!

(you are absolutely right. keeping yourself busy gives you less time for fapping. but that doesn’t mean that it helps you curing your addiction)


#98

Thanks @neveragaintw, I didn’t think my post was well explained enough but yh I do agree with that you can be really busy but still be stuck in a bad habit.

Today I decided to try a cold shower but my head’s killing me today so I don’t really feel the benefits.

I feel like restarting everything today but best to leave it for tomorrow.
A proper schedule would be best to stick with.


#99

Day 2:
Ok I told myself that I would make a fresh new journal and start , but I started thinking to myself if I was avoiding the reality of me continuously restarting nofap itself.

I want to be better than this but just sitting down and trying to think about all the things I had done and my weak will power , I just don’t want to except that’s all I am or that I did that just a moment ago or you know years ago.

Sometimes I think to myself that I have tommorow and the next day, but what about today?
I been like this for the last 2-3 years , there’s things I want to achieve but I’m too lazy and things I really want to do but I put the blame on my fears.

Whenever I worked for myself, I would feel tired after like 30mins and just sit down and lay in my bed. For the next hour or two I would be procrastinating and then try doing something but go back to the vicious cycle.

I realized after I started working again that if it was for someone else I can do it and for that paycheck even if I’m in so much pain I won’t feel it until I get back home.

I really don’t seem to care about my future and youth.

Maybe I need to surround myself with great and like-minded people, someone who could push me to my potential. Or maybe I have to be that person.

For the last 2 months I haven’t done much personal work, only exercised once a week instead of all 7, and I been wasting so much time online with over an average use of 5 hours.


#100

Day 3:

I finally managed to stay up yesterday and follow through with my night routine and exercised a bit.
Even if it wasn’t much it was something at least better than the day before.

Small steps is what I need to start on and gradually get back to where I left off.

Washed my clothes but then ended up wasting over 6 hours on WhatsApp! This is crazy I’m not somone who’s even very social to begin with and a week ago I would only be on it for like 18 mins most.

So today I muted my chats and I plan on blocking the app with a time schedule, but I do need it as my communication.

Hopefully today’s going to be a productive day.