Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#41

Man you always say the right stuff :sob:
I honestly was so happy today that I was walking outside in this unpredictable weather we have in the UK.

While everyone else was running away from the cold, I was happily walking outside with a stupid grin on my face.

But a few hours later a received I call where I had to decided whether to accept the conditions of the job or not. So what do I do?, do I compromise my beliefs? Or except the harsh reality of life?

They gave me some time to think but I decided to turn it down. God has something better planned for me.


#42

Day 16 of 21 day challenge: less than 5 days to go!

Well I was going to write something today morning but I got too excited and went out to play in the snow. I’m 21 but it never really snows here just rain.

That’s global warming for you :sob:

I wish I could be more inspirational and that I could always be as positive as I come across in writing. But I’m only human and thered so much that can just push you to the edge. I guess I usually got over any emotions I had by relapsing.

I just feel so frustrated and disappointed, everytime I get a chance something has to happen.

My big brother came up to me today while I was looking for alternatives. And he looked at me with a stupid look on his face and said:

“Oh I heard your conversation yesterday, where you going to actually accept a job that went against your belief. Is that how desperate you are?”

And he started smiling sarcastically and I just lashed out at him and said did you not hear the whole conversation and if that was the case I would have already confirmed the induction day.

I don’t usually swear but I couldn’t help it, I just wanted to cry but I can’t which is strange so I just started shouting out of frustration. My mum said don’t overthink it or you’ll end up going mad.

What’s that supposed to mean?
I just want to feel a bit vulnerable.


#43

Man, what a rough day you had, huh? But is exactly what your mother said: if you overthink it you gonna be mad.

Not that is easy letting go the frustrations that comes to our life, but there is a saying what says:

“This, too, shall pass.”

I found this link that tells a motivational story based on this:
http://www.pravsworld.com/this-too-shall-pass-story-king/

We can not control what happens around us, but we can control how we react.

This article helped me a lot:

Bottom line: do not overthink about it, or you will go crazy! :grinning:


#44

Day 17 of the 21 day challenge:

Thanks both the articles were worth a read. The first one is something I’m too familiar with since my whole has been a waiting game.

I don’t need to be negative but unfortunately it’s a trait of mine. I guess some people are more inclined to one way of thinking.

The first time when I was writing this diary, (thanks @Taher for the title change :+1:) I thought why don’t I just write it in a positive way and not really talk about myself.

But I was wrong, If I ever wanted to get over this main issue of nofap that would be being more honest with myself and being more visible about my emotions and that’s something that the people around me in my life would never let me do.

To anyone reading this please stop if can’t handle this cause what am about to write might be too much for some (basically a trigger warning ).

So few months ago I met up with my friends for a friend’s birthday. There’s one friend that I thought we were close to and once in my life I decided to open up to her.

I told her I wished I had died when I was being operated on, of course I could never say I wanted to end it, and if I could I’m too much of a coward. This all happened when we were heading home.

You know we both started crying cause it was tough for me to say all that.The words my parents would never let me say. And the jokes my brother would make about it.

You know what she said, why didn’t you call me?
But how can I? When you wouldn’t even reply to the read messages I would send to you. When I could see all the blue ticks? Do they think I’m stupid?

So I told her I’m too stingy with my credit, this was when I realised I couldn’t continue much of this conversation. So in a sense I lied.

After started calling but would hang up that only happened for a week.

Sorry for all that but my minds in good place right now, I have things I wanna accomplish.

Maybe then I wouldn’t mind if I was gone.
(I think I should delete this but I’m fighting myself to just leave it) - ok I removed something’s


#45

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your emotions, remember you can always write stuff down on a note in private if you don’t wanna share personal stuff with us. I keep my journal private but I also have lots of negitive thoughts, I find writing them down and coming back to read them a few days later really helps me move on from them and think of solutions to my problems. If I don’t write them down they rot inside my head and make it hard for me to sleep. Anyways your doing great sparkly, from reading your diary I can see your progress. :weight_lifting_man:


#46

You know, I just relapsed some hours ago, in fact it was at midnight. Just after that I added myself to a month challenge right in this forum. And my actual trigger is nothing short of the word disgusting. The shamefulness that comes after is such a pain to me, like I been cheating on myself, how foolish of me. And when I writing my diary here or even my physical one at home, I never could bring to me to pour ALL the thoughts and the details of this. Because I just shamed on myself.

I could say my life is almost perfect, I do not have serious problems with my family, I do not worry about money and the place where I live too much that leave me without sleep, I neved had a serious health issue, I have friends that really cares about me (my parents included) and I know that they would listen to my issues and forgive me if I talked to them about it, but I never couldn’t.

But just one thing is wrong in my life that keeps destroying it, full of shame, foolishness and selfishness: myself.

And I just want to disappear when I do that again.

So you can say I not a pool of positiveness too.
But I know this not gonna do.
I can not just run away of my issues.
I can change, because humans are capable of changing themselves.

And you, my friend @Sparklymango, is a great example of this too. Like @Veritas312 said, you are changing already to better. We all here are working for and changing for better.

I hope we all have a better life, without that PMO issue, because living is wonderful.


#47

Thank you you both @sadraw and @Veritas312 for your kind words and word of encouragement.
I don’t know what to say, my mind feels numb from letting it out if that makes any sense.

My bad habit was starting to show but everythings good now.

I removed a bit out because my personal life is too unique that I was worried if someone I knew would recognise me :joy:.

I do own a journal that I tried out in the last maybe 2 to 3 years? But I just couldn’t be too honest with myself since I have no privacy in this house.

And no one could respond to me the same way you guys do.

Dammit my phone locked as I was writing yesterday.

My life is miserable in a sense that I don’t have much control of anything. I tell myself I’ll succeed but that doesn’t seem to be the case right now.

So if I could control anything and change my life for the better it would be this. Nofap

I guess having someone to report back to has created of itself something that I want to succeed. Since I never really had anyone I could make them proud of me.

Everyday in some way my mum says something discouraging, my own dad only ever asks for his own agendas and my older brother asks for advice he never takes into consideration.

It’s nice seeing people take the time to respond to me when everyone in my life has turned their back on me.

Sadraw I was same position as you, the first time until 18 days ago I was going through the same thing of trying to make it my last and stop.

I had a calendar up that I would cross out each day and a diary that I didn’t keep up with until I relapsed.

I remember swearing by god’s name to stop but I wasn’t accomplishing anything through that way of thinking.

Be honest with yourself we’re all in this together.
If it wasn’t for you guys I wouldn’t have got this far.


#48

Thanks man! When we could get to talk to someone who will not to judge us or make us just worse is very helpful.

I am so glad that I could find this community too, thanks for all the kind people that are here for helping and for getting helped back too!

And I just read an e-book posted here in the portuguese section that explins a lot about the porn addiction and the effects on the brain. After I read this I feel more motivated to not give up.

The e-book is based on this site in english:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

The main problem when we are telling to someone phisically next to us lies in the how the other person will you view us differently after the telling. It should not be like that, but the prejudgements that people (even ourselves!) do to the people who has addictions or mental disturbances, is not helpful.

That research shows that our addiction is not just because we are evil or perverted, but this is how normally a human brain could respond to a overload of stimuli that is PMO, very like it could react to another drug as crack.
If a person is trying to fight to stop it, just this fighting is enough proof that person is not evil or perverted, just human.

Then, let’s go continuing the fight! We are on this TOGETHER! Even we are not living together, even maybe me and you never got to know our real faces and names, it does not matter, because we are a family in a sense that we try to help each other no matter we do. And this IS what really matters.


#49

I think I’m going to get emotional😭
I’ll give that book a read and maybe apply to something else since I don’t have a porn problem.

But yes I do agree with you, there’s somethings that are just not suitable for us to talk about to the people in our life’s. It’ll just create a distance.

Things are looking up


#50

Day 19 of 21 day challenge:

I decide to change my diary title so tadaa I guess :tada: it just resonates with me more since ‘tommorow’ has become a lifetime . Being able to overcome this many days is an accomplishment in itself.

I have less than 2 days until I complete this challenge. I don’t know if I’ll move onto any other challenge threads maybe it works for some people not much for me. This diary has kept me going.

Yesterday I was thinking of writing down an entry but I fell asleep before I could do that. The last few days have been special after talking about myself since its had a positive effect in terms of not waking up from a uncomfortable sleep.
As for productivity it’s been at its best in the last 2-3 weeks.

That’s two thing down.

Anyway about yesterday I woke up from pain that was caused by a pinch nerve down my lower back. My whole whole right leg was in pain.
I pray that it’s nothing severe.

So I spent the whole day in bed with a ice pack just recovering. I didn’t want to make it any worse.

No exercise, sewing or baking yesterday😶

My appetite made it’s comeback when I’m stressed I can’t eat but yesterday I was just hungry the whole day.

21 days here I come! :wave:


#51

That is good to hear (or read)!

Congrats on changing your diary title too! Got better!
I am now motivated too, but in a different sense that of before.

I feel motivated not to just avoid PMO, but i feel motivated to live my life! And it is a wonderful feeling.

Keep going! It is just more 2 days! I am rooting for your success! :smiley::+1:


#52

I guess the previous title was a bit scary. :joy:

Thank you sadraw I honestly I can’t thank you enough. I got this far from your encouraging words of advice.

We can do this together and succeed. :+1:


#53

Day 20 of 21 day challenge:

I don’t know what to write today, I’ll just put this down and reminde myself to come back.

I should probably try to change the time when I’m writing these but the problem is I make sure my phone’s locked by 19:30 so that I don’t give myself a chance of relapsing.

Maybe a word of advice?
Well get a block app and block everything that causes you to waste your time also block your settings, to prevent yourself from unblocking it.

Get rid of headphones I remember I just cut mine so I could never use it again when I was quitting from music ( I was really crazy about music in my teen years to the point of it getting in the way of my education) but you could apply this to porn or erotic audio.

And if you own a computer/laptop take it out of your room and place it in the main living areas where everyone can see you.

Set up one time of the day to shower/bath, so that you’ll be discouraged from touching yourself. Example let’s say I shower at night but I felt the urge in the morning. I would avoid it cause I can’t shower in the mornings so I wouldn’t want to walk around feeling dirty until the end of the day.

And keep your door open (unless your into that :scream:)

Eat well and take care of yourself more
:wave:


#54

Good advices! Discipline is all! :sunglasses::ok_hand:


#55

Day 21 of 21 day challenge:
Congratulations to me :clap:

Where do I start :thinking:
Well 21 days and maybe I’m feeling great ?
I feel less harsh on myself and a bit more motivated that’s for sure.

Whenever I read other people mentioning about the great effects of NF I think wow that’s cool, except I don’t experience the same thing as them.
If anything I feel like I have one less of an obstacle in my way.

I was reading a bit from the other members diary’s and I’ve noticed that my mines not as detailed ,that’s something I should change. Also I can’t relate to many of them.

For example wet dreams, seeing other as sexual objects or even the whole spiritual side of things.
I’m religious but I tend to keep this and that separate.

Since God concealed my sins for a reason.

Well for urges I’m getting some but that’s when I don’t get out of bed the moment I wake up. I haven’t been getting uncomfortable feelings so I can relax more in bed. Bad news is, I’ll be more prone to relapsing if I stay in bed for too long.

I should probably set up an alarm clock to force me out of bed.

Maybe I’m contradicting myself but my life’s vanilla for the most part and call me old fashioned but I believe in saving yourself for the one.

Since it’s been 21 days and I’ve overcome another challenge I thought I’ll mention something interesting about myself.

When was I was in secondary school (11-16) I had or I still have the need to avoid mirrors out in public.

Not that I’m ugly pr something but because I don’t want to concern too much about my skin (believe me I had one of the best in our year that all the girls would ask advice on)
Cause I’m too hard on myself.

I had a few people telling me to do something about my eyebrows, but I like the way they look and now it’s in trend :joy:

Moral of the story I was gonna say ‘don’t change yourself for anyone but for yourself’ but in reality I think I have some form of anxiety :sob:


#56

Congrats on completing the challenge ^-^…and dont stop writing…gives me something to read lol :stuck_out_tongue:


#57

Thank you and I’ll keep going as long as I can.
I feel so tempted to just edit it but I’ll leave it as it is :triumph:


#58

Congratulations @Sparklymango! You did it man! Way to go for 90 and more! :clap::clap::raised_hands:

About the effects on completing many days on nofap, personally I never think that I would become a super hero or to be flying, but I was always thinking that would be change me to just a normal person who thinks normally instead of always thinking on getting some pleasure on something.

But I was wrong, it not only give us a normal life again but more self control, empathy, and other more good traits, making us not just normal persons, but better persons.

Maybe this really can be a superpower too! :smile::+1:


#59

Day 22:

You know your actually right.
After I posted that, I realised I actually had changed in some ways and I was way more positive than before, of course I still have a long way to go before I can say that NF has had a greater impact on my life than I could have ever imagined.

For one I was alot more positive at my recent interview compared to the one before, where the interviewer told my ‘why are you too negative?’ naturally no one’s gonna hire you after that :joy:.

I’m way more productive then before and no more anxiety attacks in my sleep.

But today morning was different, I’ve never had any sexual dreams before (I know it’s weird) but I woke up from a dream where I relapsed :scream:.

I actually thought it was real also my body feels more sensitive, when I had my surgery I had a bit of a nerve damage so once I fully recovered everything just feels more sensitive to the touch. Like a new born baby.

I special hav a weird spot on my back that feels nice to scratch :joy:.
But it’s been over 4-5 years now so I guess it might be permanent :thinking:

I should probably be more careful about it.


#60

Day 0:

So I just relapsed and I guess my dreams did come true.
I was contemplating whether to reset my counter or not.But I’m gonna start again.

Today was too stressful so I just ended up relapsing once and I instantly regretted it so back to day one.

I feel so disappointed in myself but that horrible feeling is back.