Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#21

Thats great! We can compete with each other I’m already feeling motivated :+1:

My previous streak was at 50 :sob: days and like you said now or never.


#22

Day 7 of the 7 day challenge complete👏
Now I’ll move onto the 10 day challenge, small goals are much more achievable.

But man yesterday was great I did over 5 hours of sewing and actually finished the garment in one day :scream:

Cooked a bit and completed my daily skin care routine for 3 days in a row. ( Hopefully my dark circles will go away for good)

But going to sleep was tough, I usually fall asleep when watching something but my phone was blocked (which is good since I don’t wanna relapse)

And waking up today morning just felt like I was having a full on anxiety attack, if that’s what it even was🤔.

It just felt heavy and uncomfortable, maybe I had a bad dream before I woke up.


#23

Day 8 of the 21 day challenge:

Ok so I wanted to join the 10 day challenge but it turns out I don’t meet the requirements, so ideally yes I’ll go into 10 days but the overall goal is reaching 21 days.

Well today I woke up late cause I was watching a documentary that was starting at 22:45 that messed up my sleep. Fell asleep again in the living room :disappointed_relieved:

I don’t mind but it’s nasty since I didn’t brush my teeth and it got in the way of my skincare routine. Just ran into bed

Did a bit of work still feeling stressed which is normal for me at this point. Things steel feel uncomfortable maybe I shouldn’t push myself away from reality.

Should really get back into painting since I find myself doodling on my patterns :joy:


#24

Day 9 of the 21 day challenge:

Fell asleep again and i didn’t get to complete my routine :sob:, but in a way it’s a good thing since I been feeling tired from doing my work.

Woke up at around 5:55am I could have got up a lot early but I was forcing myself to continue sleep.

I had the same uncomfortable feeling, I had to keep reminding myself that things will get better it was honestly tempting since the stress is getting to me.

For many here it’s the stuff they see online that triggers them.
For me I just do it out of stress and nothing.

Yesterday I did some cutting and sewing, didn’t finish it but I should today.
Maybe I should go out for a bit :thinking:
and my sister’s words keep bothering me.


#25

Yeah man, it is really not easy to win your addicted self, I edged 2 times and so I reseted my counter because it was painful I see myself letting myself being decived by myself! It was ridiculous!!! (some pun intended)

What I want to tell you is: Keep going! It is worth! Do not let yourself fool yourself by thinking otherwise! You know it! :grinning::+1:


#26

Thanks man means a lot I feel so encouraged right now.

I had a moment yesterday before I went to sleep thinking about how my life would be without having to ever resort to that.

Since I never masturbated before until I was 17 or 18 all because of my big surgery I was still recovering from. And I remember feeling low about it and the disgust that followed after.

Today I woke up to this suffocating feeling and shock. I was heavily breathing because of the dream I had. So I couldn’t stay in bed anymore I had to get right up and out.

But good news is I’m looking forward to Tuesday :joy: I’ll let you know if anything exciting happens.


#27

Day 11 of 21 day challenge:

I feel numb sometimes but great at the same time it’s kinda weird.

Yesterday I managed to finish another garment and exercised as well. It’s was kinda dead since I wasted a bit of time.

I should probably prepare for Tuesday and that things will get harder overtime.

I realised that I don’t talk much about myself and I should probably relieve my stress more on here but man did time do its work since I didn’t feel that anxious when I woke up today.

I miss my friends but there’s something I want to accomplish first. And I’m kinda annoyed at how they been treating me :triumph:

( Maybe I should write my thoughts down at the end of my day instead of the next day :thinking: and reveal myself a bit more after every milestone, just a thought)


#28

Day 12 of 21 day challenge

I was having urges and strong ones as well, since I was bored and I didn’t have much to do. I just cleaned, baked a cake, sewed a bit and prepared a bit more for Tuesday.

I also did exercise which is good, but around 19:30 I was bored and tired so I was lying in bed wasting time on my phone.

Good thing my phone locked at 20:00 otherwise I would have just made it harder on myself.
So I fell asleep again :triumph:

( I’ve noticed something about myself, when I’m hungry I’m more prone to urges which is weird since it’s the opposite for people :thinking:)


#29

I wonder if I should change my title :thinking: I don’t know if I could find something better to replace it, maybe a weekly thing or the feelings I have at this moment in time. Just a thought


#30

One word: boredom

It really is one of the ways to fall back into bad habits and I’m glad I downloaded the block app to prevent this.

I’ve also started increasing the block times, so I can become less dependent on my phone.

The last 2 days have definitely been the most hardest. I should start on my next garment.


#31

Day 13 of the 21 day challenge:

My life is actually boring, I’m just intorvet that likes to stay indoors too much.
Since it’s the weekend I’ve been lazing around a bit. I did paint yesterday and honestly it seems that I forgot how to :joy:.

There was an event yesterday I was invited to but declined it, I should probably change this bad habit and go to places that tend to make me feel uncomfortable. But how do I do that?

In the last few years I feel like it’s gotten alot worse. I just feel really out of place and the whole time I just want to leave.I get really anxious and I feel like I can’t breathe.

I remember when I was 16 I decided to go and see the doctor I about my over sensitive emotions (since I cried too much and I was very public about it since I couldn’t hide everytime)
So she we talked I cried a bit and I said I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The doctor just gave me a leaflet and who to call and just dismissed me.(this was before I started masturbating)

I cried my way back to school and my parents didn’t know anything about me visiting the doctor’s ( in the UK you can start seeing the doctor by yourself)

My whole life everyone around things I’m strong and that I don’t need help. My elder brother constantly gets pushed by my mum to succeed in life even though his an adult now. But what about me?


#32

There are moments we are sad and nothing seems to go right. But one thing I am sure: will be better times.
Look at me: I just relapsed not one but three times, while you are still going over it. You are more strong than you think.

But there are times when we not need to be strong but loved, and the family should be the first place for it, but sometimes it is not so easy going like that.

This link I found talks about it, it is Bible based but even if you are not a christian will be there some advice that can be useful.

https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102002684

And remember, you are always loved by someone, even if you do not see it. You are a inspiration to me too, we are not giving up NEVER! Stay strong bro! :+1:


#33

Thank you @sadraw your advice means alot, your actually helping me through this journey by simply replying to me :heart:

And I can always learn something new from different religions. I actually feel a weight being lifted of from writing things down.

Just thinking about reporting back to this diary helps with this whole journey and avoiding myself from relapsing. I’ve actually been trying to stop this from day one so I can relate on failing so many times.

No one ever said this was going to be easy.


#34

And to anyone else I highly recommend creating a diary entry and keep it up everyday.


#35

Day 14 of 21 day challenge:

It’s snowing here :scream: and it’s been a while.

Well today was alright, I had a dream but I didn’t feel anxious waking up from it. Exercised again and the pain from last night is gone. I get a lot of back pain from having long day :sob:.

I’m starting to get a bit nervous about tommorow just hope that it all goes well and I get the outcome I want.

Yesterday my mum asked me a weird question and when I was answering her I just I felt I was gonna cry so I just turned away from her.

I shouldn’t blame her for the choices I was partly to blame for. Thinking about it makes me angry and sad even envious at times.

I want to write down more of my thoughts but I don’t feel that much about anything in the mornings if that makes sense?

I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow.


#36

Day 15 of 21 day challenge:

Well today is the day, I ended up waking up alot early then expected. I guess I’m starting to feel a bit nervous.

For once I woke up from a happy dream, I was skydiving :joy: maybe it’s something I would I like to try some day :thinking:

Yesterday was good in terms of productivity, maybe one of my best days in February since I’m really lazy.

I’ll definitely report back by the end of the day. There’s a lot I wanna say but I’m holding myself back. I want to start my day of on a positive foot.

:wave:


#37

Fudge! ( I try to avoid using bad words :joy::sob:)

That’s how I’m feeling right now. I can’t morally do this, just why?


#38

It’s just unfair sometimes like why?
I mean why I’m I being tested to this extent?


#39

I feels so angry and annoyed.
Why did this have to happen at a time like this, I just want to disappear and not have to deal with this.


#40

Hard times are difficult, but remember why is so difficult. It is because you want the better for yourself and the people besides you!
You are doing great and will do even more!
Bad days comes, but good days comes too.
Be strong, bro! :grinning::+1: