Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#244

That’s interesting, I’m like the complete opposite when I get my urges that’s why I couldn’t really relate to alot of the people on here but I’m glad that you’re not experiencing any urges.

And thanks for the nice comment @payas.govil I’m glad you think I’m a inspiration for many on here but I’m far from it, if anything I want to be better than the current me.

I hope I can get to a point in my life that I’m truely happy and that I can continue to strive towards my goals without feeling negative about myself.


#245

You’re welcome Sparkles.


#246

Chocolates really are our weakness.
I do hope I can work like that, when I’m hungry I just drop everything. Maybe your always in the zone. I always tend to stop when I just finish the sketch and it takes 10000% effort to finish. (There are so many WIP projects).We are the opposite I tend to binge eat when I get stressed.

I’m also just sketching, I hope the brushes Wil not go in rebellion mode. Sometimes setting up for painting is making me lazy hahaha.

I guess we do just like companionship :slight_smile:
I wish that there is magic pill for this negativity or they would just go on vacation and never come back. Sometimes it’s so hard to let others to understand that, so most of the time you’ll pretend you’re ok. Or just be grumpy ahahaha.
Negativity is such an excess baggage.


#247

Day 47:

Over one week’s worth of sketches drawn daily and I was finally able to push myself to walk.
Over 5,400 steps in one day. Hopefully tommorow I’ll be walking another 5,000 steps and maybe make it to 6,000.

Yesterday was a nice day, I finally met up with my friends after work and spent some time just catching up whilst watching my friend’s wedding video.

It’s weird cause I really don’t have much to say if that makes sense I mean knowing that everyone’s got there life ahead of themselves has made me think a bit more about my future. I’ve only just found out that one of my friend’s already expecting her 3rd child and she’s only 22.

The idea of having kids in itself just terrifies me and the 1st child in a sense is the physical embodiment of the amount of time I’ve wasted just taking things too lightly.

Everyone around me has a degree or working towards one, they’ve acccomplished so much in the last 2-3 years but then you’ve got me who’s just dreaming about a future that hasn’t solidified yet. Nothing but words and the feeling of constantly being unsure about things. So I just ended up bottling myself up as my sister describes it.

Fear and negativity has been my biggest obstacles in overcoming alot of the issues I’m currently dealing with in my life.Once I get comfortable I won’t budge until something really bad happens.

Anyway I’ll try to clean my room for now since the days coming to an end but hopefully I’ll be more productive tommorow (I was really tired today okay lol).

“Don’t let the internet rush you. No one is posting their failures.” - Wesley Snipes


#248

I wish I was always in the zone but it’s more like my laziness that gets in the way of my hunger :joy:.
If I don’t have any snakcs I won’t go out to buy it unless I have to for something else.

Cause I still get distracted from completing my work at times, even I can’t bring myself to continue and I’ve just been forcing myself until the feeling of wanting to stop was gone at some point.

With painting my biggest problem is that I can’t bring myself to use my expensive supplies where I might end up hating the work itself then I’ll just regret about wasting my money while I’m at it.

That’s me ! I’m pretending to be okay most of the time but I’ve started opening myself up more with people but too much has ended up leaving a distance between us. It was nice for once that I was able to have a good time with my friends yesterday in comfort.


#249

@Sparklymango I’m pretty sure if you walked more often you would find more joy in it :wink:. I always meditate when I walk but when I run :running_man: my mile I just want to get around the corner (I run in a rectangular shape). I enjoy walking so much, it gets me thinking.

I read about your concerns with your future, fear, and negativity. If you haven’t decided on what to study, college isn’t right for you at that moment. Nothing wrong with that! (I got my degree in technology and realized I just want to do computer networking so even I thought I had it figured out.)

Your friend who is on child 3 at 22 isn’t going to be happy all the time raising kids. I kind of feel sorry for her. Her hands are full now.

I think confidence overcomes fear so maybe you can build confidence in the things you are fearful of?

Since I have bipolar disorder I’ve been told depressive mood episodes comes from my thoughts. I keep my mind running but I avoid negative thinking as much as possible. Those thoughts can leads to emotions and then it gets complicated because I’m a guy and don’t do well with emotions :dizzy_face:. Gotta practice thinking healthy thoughts.

I’m hoping you overcome these obstacles in your life. There is no clock stating you should do things by a certain age. If it’s best for you that’s all that matters. I enjoy reading your diary. It’s the truth and I cant argue with that! You’re more than a mango that sparkles :sparkles:


#250

I do know how you feel when there is some sort of gathering and everyone is talking about work and goals and accomplishment. I’m already 32 I don’t have any accomplishment, I don’t even finished my studies in college.I always avoid talking with people that I know that would ask simple things like jobs etc. Except my very few friends who are out of the country already. Those simple question would always make me feel so depressed. I’m so far behind them. But right now I’m just trying to get back and just think everyone have their own pace.

Some people do like having a big family and they do find happiness in them and they know for sure it’s not easy. @copper_bronze don’t feel sorry for her generally women do find happiness in children and I’m sure she know what’s like since it’s her 3rd child.
But I do relate of having kids do terrified me, imagine those labors that sometimes would take a days.

I also too always feared a lot, afraid to make a step forward.I end up missing up a lot of opportunities. It’s like I’ve been running in circle for years. fear and negativity is always a great struggle (i wonder if it will be with us forever :confounded: ), @copper_bronze I agree with you, maybe it’s what’s we need. I really do hope we find ways to build our self confidence (I’m working on it right now).One of my friend would always tell me her motto " just do it." Since I always step back when opportunities is in front of me. Right now I’m trying that. (It’s so hard though :sob: )

About the materials I also think the same :laughing: . I always do my sketches in scratch paper or whatever materials that is.not so expensive or already used. I did bought an expensive.sketch pad. Imagine the horror I get when i realize the drawings are so ugly. I wonder if our negativity is also playing trick on us when drawing on expensive stuff. Because really I do have decent sketches in those scratch papers.

Socializing do drain our energy :smiley:
Good thing you’ve meet up your friends. I guess people going distance can’t be help, you’ll know who’ll stick with you.(sometimes the sad part is people you thought would stay will not)

Let us be productive today! :sunny: I hope you’ll find ways to release those bottled emotions. :smiley:


#251

:sob: I’m so happy that you took the time to write this cause when I woke up, I didn’t want to get up at all so I opened up this app and man this gave me the motivation that I needed to get out of bed.

And yes you’re right the more I’ve been walking the less I’ve been dreading it, and I managed to get myself to walk yesterday by changing the route , surprisingly it was enjoyable.

That thing about college/university I’ve applied for it then I changed my mind before enrolling into the course. But whenever I tell people about it, they just give me this look of disappointment but I know people who’ve got diplomas who haven’t even worked in a graduate job. You can be a bus driver in this country with a university diploma and I kid you not some supermarket’s have started to ask for diplomas.

The world around us just seems to want to rush everyone with everything. But don’t ever regret stuff cause then you won’t be ever content with stuff and that’s something I’m constantly having to remind myself. ( Have you looked further into computer networking?)

About that friend, part of me feels sorry but then I think if that was the case she would have stopped at the 1st child you know. I don’t really know how she feels about things since it’s been a while but if she’s happy I’m happy for her.

I’ll try to get my work out there more and overcome my fears that way cause I’m always afraid of what others think of me.

Doesn’t it ever bother you that because your a guy that people expect you to be able to manage your emotions better ? And how do you manage that without it ever getting to you beside thinking positively ? I’m curious as to what you do to combat this problem.

But thanks once again @copper_bronze I’m glad you find my diary interesting and yes I’ll try to be more than a sparkly mango :joy:


#252

Omg @dori I’m starting to think your me, I mean everything in the 1st paragraph it’s just something so relatable to me in a sense that when I know for a fact I’m going to be hit with those questions, I’d rather just avoid them completely. Even though my friends still live in the same country, we don’t really see each other for months at times since everyone’s so busy. So I’m alone most of the time.

You and me both :sob: we can do this just don’t let negative thoughts get to you (look who’s saying it :joy:)

You know when I made this diary I was so afraid of being open about my problems, I never expected this diary to become the thing it is today. And I’m glad it’s become a helping tool for me and maybe for you and the others who read this.

I’m not alone I’ve realised and what I’m going through is normal , that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, things get better that’s for sure , it’s th mindset that needs changing and letting things go.

It really is but that’s gonna change from now on , like your friend said "just do it ".

Dori are you mean seriously I’m actually scared now :joy: when I sketch on paper I’m like wow this is really nice but wait until it’s on good paper then everything looks bad. That’s why I’ve been using colouring pencils for the base of my sketches then cleaning it up with my pencils for the final image. It really helps I would recommend it but then the drawing takes way too long.

And like I always say screw those friends. :joy:

I should probably get up and eat now since I haven’t had much today and yes I’ll be productive today :triumph:


#253

Aha ha ha everything looks bad when we use expensive stuff.I wonder if we are so anxious when using them.


#255

I think for me it’s cause when I was younger I could never really ask my parents for the things I wanted since i thought we weren’t financially stable but turns we are but just stingy.

And I put alot of thought into the things I buy since I’m as stingy as my dad making sure I invest into something useful.

Willing to buy things only to not use it much.


#256

Day 0:

I relapsed today at around 2pm , how?
I don’t know well I was procrastinating today and my urges were strong (and the only time I’ve had an urge in the last 50 days).

After the regret, I typed up something’s to post on here but it just felt a bit too personal and I just backed out.

Man everything I’m writing seems so half-hearted like my mind seems so spaced out. I’ll be back with the details tommorow hopefully since this is a diary to help with myself with nf.

Sorry for disappointing myself but it just means that I need to try again for as long as I can before giving in, so I guess I’m on day 0 again.


#257

Ahh, I’ve never though of that maybe it’s the same for me. We don’t have much when I was growing up.

Sad to hear that you relapse but as I always say as long as you are fighting that’s what really matter.


#258

Day 0:

I relapsed yesterday at around 2pm and then at 2, 3 or 4 am today.

Procrastination really f**** up a good routine except that I never really had a good routine in the 1st place , I did a bit of work whenever I felt like it, ate at random times, didn’t walk consistently, not doing my stretches in the last 2 months cleaning my room every 2-3 days, only completed 8 chapters of the book I’m reading, ignoring people’s messages and just browsing the web too much.

Negative thinking also comes into play but I didn’t have any urges for the last 50 days until I was stressing out about some personal stuff, didn’t want to do anything, locked myself up on my room and got carried away when I could have stopped but relapsed instead.

It didn’t even feel great if anything I’m kinda worried now and my urges didn’t end after taking a shower after the relapse I mean I was good until I woke up in the early hours of the day due to pain and a really bad headache. One paracetamol later I relapsed just to deal with the pain I was still having.

Felt like s*** went back to sleep when I woke up again 2 hours after the relapse from a scary dream.

I saw a dead corpse

My body was shaking and I was panicking but then I realised it wasn’t real. The whole thing felt so surreal and I just couldn’t shake the feeling for the next few minutes and just forced myself back to sleep.

The reason why I believe I ended up relapsing besides the stress I was experiencing was that I didn’t shower that morning.

Why you may ask, well it was too cold and I thought about changing up my shower routine but nope I just ended up relapsing.

Well uhm it’s nearly 2pm I haven’t done much since I woke up really late and everything is just painful. I think I need to see a doctor about this.

I really need to think positively right now.


#259

Day 1:

Well I made it :joy: day one and feeling great much better than yesterday and I got alot of work done including today. I’ve got work today but I wanna take a break which I’m trying not to since I plan on leaving soon.

Read alot, cleaned my room a bit and took care of the pain I was having, lost my appetite but that’s okay since I had some breakfast today.

Any urges ? Nope but I do feel a bit anxious and stressed. Still sketching as usual now and pushing myself to draw more anatomy.

Finally pushed myself to message my friends which I know I’m getting aired by them.

Even though I’ve pushed everyone away from me I really want to be surrounded by the people I love but I need to fix up my life before I could do that.


#260

So i’m having this moment to myself and everything just seems so weird, surrounding yourself with people and just talking in general can make someone feel so happy.

I think I’m lonely in the sense that I don’t have a tight connection with my friend’s. I’m like the third wheel and listening to them talk about all the fun times they’ve had does make me feel a bit jealous. Then again I did cancel on many of the plans so I did this to myself.

Feeling sleepy and no urges.


#261

Sounds like me. Except I don’t I exercise.

See one if you can. It might really help you. I sometimes think I want to see a doctor but too expensive for the moment.

Waking up late is really troublesome for me too. Sometimes I think it can cause my triggers.

I hate drawing the hands! I still skip drawing them for the moment. The fingers looks like a banana when I draw them.But yeah we should push ourselves to master anatomy or else our drawings will look hideous :sob:

I know how you feels, I also cancel many plans until they just so far away. Sometimes, I don’t know you suddenly feel like not going and you just can’t explain that to them because you yourself don’t know why you feel that. I always have this mode when they want to meet up, i want to see you but i don’t want to go out to mingle or I just don’t want to travel because there are lots of people and they are annoying. My close friend who is also an artist said she also feels that way but battle it to see us. She encourage me to chose to hang out more. you can still catch up with them.I’m sure they’ll be glad to hang out with you.


#262

Day 2:

I’m really tired so I’ll make this quick and short also @dori I’ll be replying back to you fully tommorow once I’ve got time.

What have I accomplished:

*Did some work
*Cleaned my room

  • Went out and walked
  • Pushed myself out of my comfort zone by going out later than normal
  • Read alot
  • Completed my am and pm skincare routine

What I didn’t accomplish:

  • No stretching
  • Didn’t sketch anything
  • Wasted alot of time by staying in bed (due to cramps)
  • Spent over 5 hours on my phone (but I was using it for work as well)

Spent over 2 hours extra trying to oversleep but urges ended up ruining it so I had to get out of bed and straight into the shower.

I’ll be back with details
Gn or gm everyone


#263

:sob: I should always be here everyday writing something instead I’m back to report a relapse , my bad habits are coming back.

I haven’t exercised at all this week and about the doctor I’m just so worried that the same thing would happen from years ago.

And about the waking up part , yes I’ve noticed that it’s one of the triggers that lead to relapses for me that is.

Hands are actually my favourite to draw even though I still struggle with it :joy:

For the last two days I haven’t left the house at all since I keep on cancelling last minute.

I wish my friends were like that except almost all of us have cancelled plans last minute before.


#264

Same here also notice that I relapse yesterday because I didn’t do my entry. Writing journal do help us reflect I think.

I’m having cramps right now, I just stay and never want to get up. I think having period makes my urges worse yesterday.

It can’t be help I think, being adult makes you busy and stressful.