Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#223

@Sparklymango @dori would it be too much to ask you to upload a sample drawing or sketch just so we can appreciate your work?

Maybe I’m the only one who wants to see your talent? Something kid friendly?


#224

:sob: for a second I thought this was everything that I wrote since I can relate to alot of the stuff you’ve written (even though my writtings bad :joy:).

I get those moments all the time but then I remember that we all can’t be alike since everything will just seem generic you know. Alot of artistic style comes from trying out different things and always experimenting, like messing up the anatomy :sob:

2 year’s ago I would say was one of the worse year’s in terms of drawing, I had months as well where I wouldn’t even pick up my pencil to sketch anything, and when I tried to nothing would come to mind.

I haven’t made any proper completed work but I’m sketching alot more than I did 3 months ago.
And I’ve got a bunch of art supplies that I’ve never even used once.

Even with my sewing whenever I make a piece of clothing I end up criticising things that are so insignificant like the sticth length.

I guess I might seem diligent cause I’m doing something but believe me the 15/16 year old me used to make money from art that the current me
doesn’t like at all. So I think it could be some sort of mental problem since I used to be so confident in the stuff I make.

So what I’m saying is that don’t let things like that get to you, keep going with time you’ll get better and start liking your work even if there’s a part of you that doesn’t.


#225

Man you got me at kid friendly :sob::joy:. I don’t draw any nudity and if I did I’m just asking to be triggered all the time.

I don’t have the confidence to share it and my style is something that’s still in process. Maybe one day when I’m okay with it.


#226

Hahahahah I remember I bought oil paints stuff and they’ve been there in the Cabinet for 3 yrs now. Our items loves cabinet meeting ahahahha.

Yeah, we should really experiment to find our own style so I should really get back to consistent practice to find it. Thanks for reminding :slight_smile: and anatomy is still so hard ahahhaha I also always mess it up.

I also wonder where did my confidence go.
I use to like sewing before but since I started watching bad stuff my concentration got mess up and I never sew again.

@copper_bronze thanks for taking interest to see our work but I’m also in the process too. Someday I’ll share it too


#227

I’m back :triumph::sob:

Sorry for the late reply my phone’s been acting up so only managed to like your message before I could even write anything up.

But man you got me at cabinet meeting :joy: everything that I’ve ever bought just ends up being stashed away.

Have you started anything in these past 2 days ? If so let me know how it’s going since it’s always nice to motivate each other like you said.

I’m starting to think your me cause not only do you draw you sew, I mean what else can’t you do, and onfidence is such funny concept to me I mean one day it’s here and the next it’s gone.

Anyway hope your doing well :smile:


#228

Day 41:

I haven’t been writting much entries on here for the past few days or week ? I don’t even know how long but I’ve continued writting in my personal journal and it’s just full of negative thoughts so I didn’t want to write that kinda stuff on here, I mean I still do at times and it does help but it’s just the usual stuff.

Well what have I accomplished in the past 10 days:

  • Another 10 days of me not relapsing

  • I walked over 3,000 steps (this doesn’t include any commutes to anything just good old walking)
    It’s not much but hopefully I’ll be walking double this week.

  • I’m sketching everyday even if it’s just one page per day (my best so far has been 3). I’ve already compiled several pages, and I’m showing some progress which is good. (My anatomy doesn’t suck as much)

  • Been cleaning my room often and managed to do my laundry through out the week instead of letting it pile up.

  • Finally borrowed a book from the library after visiting it for the past few days and actually continued to read it once I left the premise.

  • My average internet use has decreased to about 5 hours ? I mean I’ve got really good days like 2 hours but then I’ve had a day where I binged watched for 7 hours (usually before bed ) that’s why my average hasn’t changed much.

What I haven’t accomplished:

  • I’m not updating this diary daily
  • Still not working 2-3 hours on personal work
  • Haven’t done any stretches with my walking routine
  • I’ve started to kinda neglect my skincare routine
  • Had days where I planned to go out but ended up staying in cause of the feeling of anxious.

I’ve also noticed something about myself, when I’m completing a task say cleaning for example, once I’m done with one chore I just kinda stop doing anything else and just spend the rest of my day relaxing as if I deserve it and wasting my time preparing for nothing.

I’ll have all this motivation but the moment I get the chance to sit down and just do it, my mind just goes blank and I start wasting my time by setting things out like my work and looking over meaningless stuff.

Another thing I’ve noticed was that I’ve been waking up a bit later then I normal, and I’ve got days where I don’t want to get out of bed at all. I used to wake up at 5 am but now it’s about 7-8am.

Still getting a daily dose of anxious feelings and my negative thoughts seems to be increasing even more with alot of what if scenarios. One more thing I’m starting to feel so much more distant from God (part of the reason why I joined the nofap journey)

Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with something.


#229

@Sparklymango it’s good to see you get back to adding a diary entry. You have self - discipline, so I think you’re going to accomplish those things on the haven’t accomplished list.

I’m glad to see walking is important to you. It’s important to me too. Never stop doing that. Sketching daily sounds like it’s kind of a passion of yours. Sounds productive and beneficial.

I find sometimes I “ruminate” over the same ideas again and again. I usually find something to keep my attention and that helps give me a break. I noticed you get anxious and have what if scenarios. Are they things you have no control over? If you can influence these things do what is possible and let the results be what they are.

It’s scary to not feel as close to God as you once did. Maybe the right kind of music :notes: can reconnect you with God? (I enjoy Plumb - Need you Now)


#230

Wow, nice to read you have accomplished a lot of stuff.

I can totally relate when you finish a chores and you feel you have the privilege to relax all day hahaha. I’m still figuring out how to handle that attitude of mine.

Glad you are doing daily sketches, I’m also started.Hopefully this week I’ll be consistent. Small story, Just the other day when I decided to paint all my new brush are gones.I wonder if they go on rebellion mode for being in the cabinet for too long ahahaha. I’ll stick with pen and pencil for the meantime. But I’ll make an all out search for those rebellion this month.

I always neglected my skincare routine too, I should make that a habit too. I’m really bad at skin care routine I would just usually jump to my bed, roll over and sleep.

I also join the community because I feel that I’m also getting distant with God. I know one of the major reason is this addiction ,So I take this step and joined the community (I’m very reluctant when I joined). I still feel not that close to God like before but I know He will not give up on us. It may take awhile but I know you’ll get close to Him again and beside you are doing your best. He’ll send help and inspiration in the most unexpected ways as long as we do our part. Just hold on.

I agree with @copper_bronze music can help you connect too.

We can do this, let’s just not our negativity take over. (One of our most annoying enemy).

Keep fighting!


#231

Dear sparkles, if you want to get rid of the urges for forever, stop eating at night. Have your last meal before 7pm. Eat vegetarian (healthy) food for one month at least. Stop watching any kind of videos. You will make drastic and lasting changes in your mind, body and intelligence through this.


#232

:sob: I actually got changed ready to go out and walk until my mum asked me where I was off to when I told her I was going to buy some pastries (I treat myself after a long walk ) she said" we’ve got cake stop wasting food."

So I sat and wondered where I should go but then I just ended up staying in. Hopefully tommorow will be better.

As for sketching I’ve been forcing myself to cause I feel kinda discouraged at times you know but I’m glad I’m able to finish at least a page worth.

And yes your right about accepting the way things are and not to worry about it much. Alot of the things is just me regretting how I’ve ended things with people and not being able to say what was on my mind but what’s done is done.

Music sounds great until I remember being addicted to it and I had to cut it off completely when I was younger, but I’ve got a few that I still listen to from time to time. I’ll still give that one a shot thanks for the recommendation @copper_bronze.


#233

Damn negativity it’s like you wanna do something but it’s always in the back of your mind just lurking ready to ruin everything. And yes I was reluctant too but I’ve always had this app and I guess nothing else seemed to do it for me so I gave this a shot and it’s been best decision of my life.

But I’m so glad your getting back into things and hopefully you’ll find your paintbrushes :joy: let me know how that goes.

Skincares like an obsession for me so if I have really bad days that’s when I tend to just leave it and not feel bothered about it but normally it’s just me falling asleep.

Yes let’s keep fighting!


#234

Dude you got me to read my old entry and man does it sound depressing :joy: if anyone’s wondering I’m completely over that guy.

I actually don’t eat anything at all before bed since I’ll end up feeling sick, and my diets all good but I wish I could just eat a vegetarian diet (I’ve considered going vegan )but my mum’s the one that’s cooking so it’s kinda difficult if that makes sense.

As for videos I don’t watch anything innapropriate if we’re talking about porn that is and urges I believe is something everyone learns to live with, nevertheless thanks for the advice.


#235

Day 43:

Damn man I need to get myself back into the habit of updating this everyday but I just feel so sluggish about it at times and I just feel like leaving it as it is.But then I might just fall back into my bad habit of constantly relapsing + regretting cycle.

Well uhm where do I start ? This kinda seems repetitive now but I’ve noticed something, in the last few days I’ve been delaying my chores and work until the afternoon when I tend to do it.
I used to complete my stuff first thing in the morning but today for example I cleaned my room before going to bed. Which isn’t bad if anything that’s actually a good time to do it but then you’ve got drawing being done late which means I can only complete a certain amount.

Did I walk today? Nope haven’t left the house since coming back from work yesterday. Did I read a new chapter of the book I borrowed? Nope I might just do that now.

For once I imagined myself to be in a position of success but it was something my heart yearned for but a dream that seemed so far from reach like I couldn’t accept it.

I feel okay right now I’m feeling content I think? And no urges at all or anything like that.

Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with something better to write.


#236

Only 7 days left for your half century


#237

Five days left and the urges might start to kick in by now :scream:.

Hopefully walking will take care of that.


#238

When a person is hungry, he cannot feel any urges.


#239

Ahahahaha I can totally relate to your mom when I told my siblings to just ate what’s on the fridge and they will complain I’m on a diet. Hahahaha (I’m cutting cost here). Anyway, I did adjust the grocery stuff so no complaining would be happening.

I always have the urge to eat a lot. do you also feel so hungry when you draw? I always feel that. I always munch something when sketching or after drawing.

I still fail the skincare routine ahahaha I should try to develop an obsession on it.

I stay hold on the all out search on brushes, my house is really mess right now hahaha. I bought some brushes when I drop by in art supply store. Those place is a big temptation, I really need to remind myself not but stuff that I don’t need. Those art supplies are screaming buy me.

I hope the urges will pass by. Sometimes really they are also like those negativity, striking whenever they want. Keep fighting my friend! I do hope that walking do help. I also try move around when it hits me. And when negativity also strike (making everything worse, we really don’t have the energy too do anything)I just make sure I’m just around with people until it passes. (Just endure the people for the mean time if you’re like me who dont like being around them that much). Just don’t be alone when it hit you. Hope everything will be ok.


#240

I wish that was the case for me when I started nofap, I don’t know if it’s go to do with gender but if I was hungry my urges were really high and that’s when I normally ended relapsing at the beginning. I’ve heard about it before but statistically speaking I don’t really know if it’s the case for most women.

Now I don’t really have any urges I mean I rarely get them now (unless I stay in bed for way to long once I wake up).


#241

Actually body feels urges when it is not under any crisis situation. But when body knows that it is not getting enough food, then it tries to save as much energy as possible and in that case it preserves the semen by not giving out any urges.

It’s good to know that you are not having urges. I too don’t have them. You are an inspiration for many here. Keep up the good work and sparkle like never before :)) .


#243

When I was about to reply to you yesterday my brother’s ended up indvading my room lol and I didn’t want to answer back with half the effort I normally do.

Anyway whenever I draw I don’t really snack at all
since all my attentions on trying finish it, but if you give me a box of chocolates ofcourse I’m gonna end up eating all in one day but I’ve got better control on myself now then I did before.
Doesn’t help that whenever I’m upset of stressed I just end up losing my appetite completely.

Skincares a great way to self discipline yourself on maintaining a routine and it helps you build new habits. But don’t get too crazy about it like me lol.

Oh man now I wanna go out and get myself some art supplies the temptation is real but good thing you’ve got some brushes to paint with, I haven’t painted anything yet just been maintaining my daily sketching.

I wish this negative mindset would come to end someday I mean I might seem so positive to people on the outside but within I’m just struggling like anyone else, and the funny thing about me is as much as I hate being surrounded by large crowds of people ,companionship is something I want.