Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#202

Day 24:

I wonder if there’s ever going be a day in my life where I’ll feel okay about everything.

Just that feeling of content and maybe being happy about the simple things in life.
I was okay with how things were before so I should be able to do that.

But it’s hard at times, I just want to let all go and in order for me to do that I guess I’ll have to change my situation first.

Just keep going!


#203

Day 26:

Man do I feel great today I mean yesterday was just an emotional rollercoaster but I took some actions and I’m feeling great right now.

I feel so good and I slept well yesterday and woke up with less of an anxious feeling. I guess removing toxic people from my life benefited me far greater than I thought it would.

I didn’t post it yesterday I don’t know why but I’m posting it today.


#204

Day 27:

After yesterday half way through the day I felt something I mean there was this uncomfortable feeling and I did nothing but waste my time for the whole day just reading some depressing stuff.

It’s weird since isolating myself from everyone I thought I would feel better about myself like I used to. But it didn’t cause there was this one person that knew about my whole situation that I chose not to block.

After speaking to them about it instead of forgetting it completely, I just kept on remembering about the whole incident and the stuff that was being said.

Everyone’s so petty honestly, it’s unbelievable at this point. There’s even rumours going around and people are choosing to interpret things to fit their own views.

I guess people don’t have anything better to do.
But on the bright side I went out yesterday and walked for a bit.


#205

Yeah. That’s just them being pricks. They act like pricks and exclusive shit but they demand us to socialize. Fuck.


#206

You know it’s kinda ironic some of them would leave my message’s on read for days and I wasn’t bothered by it.

But the moment there’s drama everyone even the ones that I don’t really talk to start messaging me.

And now they say whatever they want behinde my back. That’s them I guess and I shouldn’t care but I can’t help it.

Weird enough I feel much better now and thanks for taking the time to reply @dandy18lie .


#207

Day 31:

It’s over 30 days now , how do I feel? Well not so great I’ve distanced myself from everyone by blocking them and my bad habits from before have made a comeback. I’m reading stuff I shouldn’t be and way too much that I’m neglecting myself. I finally had the will power to block myself but I know a way to unblock it. I’m fighting the urge to do that right now.

I’m going out alot more for food and library, everything’s so conveniently near by that I’m not getting enough exercise from my walks.

Staying in bed has become a thing now and I’m constantly trying to avoid thinking about how things could have been.

I’ve noticed something after reading some smut, I’m not getting any urges like I used to. Still I should probably try to cut it out completely.

So my days consist of me waking up late eating breakfast, staying in bed for almost half the day reading before going out for food/library.

Anyway my writtings all over the place, I’m just forcing myself to write anything since I haven’t for the last 4 days.

I’ll try to comeback tommorow, I just don’t feel like it at times I’m just feeling so hopeless right now.

I guess the thing I’m avoiding is myself and the future me since I haven’t done any work lately.


#208

Day 32:

I woke up from sleep with the anxious feelings again, kinda weird that I haven’t been getting them much considering the situation I’m in.

Disconnecting from everyone has its benefits and drawbacks. For one I’m no longer getting myself into drama and I’ve distanced myself from negative people. But on the other hand I just feel so lonely like I lost something in all this. The trust and good faith I’ve had in people, it’s all gone.

I wonder if a day will come and I’ve said this before where I’ll truely be happy and content with myself, when that is I don’t know.

Anyway I forgot to do this on the 30th day where I reflect back on the last 10 days of my nf journey:

*I didn’t exercise in the last 10 days (besides walking)

  • Didn’t do any work (not even an hour)
  • My internet usage average is about 5 hours 54 mins
  • Didn’t go out everyday,
  • Only cleaned my room 2 times this week,
  • Haven’t been keeping up to date with this journal
  • Neglected myself in everything (my emotions were all over the place)
    *But I made it through another 10 days

So I guess I need to sit down and just let things out instead of bottling it up , I tried to bring something’s up but then I just get shut down.

I decide to download Reddit and I looked over at the depression subreddit and honestly I was just so surprised at how many people I could relate to.

I no longer felt like I was alone but I can’t say for sure if I’ve got anxiety or depression since I’ve never been diagnosed.

I feel okay now and not too bad about it like I did the day before.

God’s got better plans for me and you too.


#209

I can relate to you as well. I’ve cut ties with everyone from high school and past college but idk if I need a stronger, more aggressive measure in order to gain dominance, popularity, respect, and victory in my new college.


#211

I’m a littl confused, you cut ties with previous friends/people you know so that you could be more popular in your new college? Wait unless they were toxic ?

Having friends isn’t bad, it’s just if the relationship itself has become toxic and both parties don’t seem to benefit from it at all. That’s when I decide to cut ties with people.

And believe me I’ve tried mending things before I do that.

I know this sounds clichéd but being you is probably the best thing you could do for people around you to notice you.

For example I’m someone who’s really akward I remember telling someone about it and they looked at me and said:

“But it’s so boring being normal I’d rather be akward than to be boring.”

And alot of people tend to end up liking me the more they get to know me.

I’m probably just contradicting myself now since I’m not really talking to alot of people at the moment.

But I did that so I could save myself from getting hurt even more cause I’m someone who’s really sensitive. I had to choose between my sanity and companionship :sob:


#212

I think you had mentioned in previous posts that you have a job.What happened to that? Jobs keep us out of trouble and make money!!! You may even make an offline friend there.Sorry for the patronizing tone this is just what comes to mind.Do you have a checklist app on your phone? You should complete a to-do list before you allow yourself to go online. I have my doubts that literary porn is as negative as visual for the brain.Espescially if you’re reading “romantic” stuff.If it’s really an addiction then stop.You are probably not making your sexuality more bizarre or polygamous if you stick to romantic erotic literature.Just a thought.


#213

It’s okay @Angel_in_a_cage

I do still work, I do have offline friends (but I live so far away now), and the ones at work are so much more older than me so it’s kinda akward.

Also money doesn’t seem to motivate me that much, I end up saving everything and with my health problems I can’t really work long hours. I tried before but I would end up bed bound on my days off.

I do have a checklist app but I never really open it I should probably use it more often before starting my day.

And yes I do agree with you about porn being way worse than erotica book’s. I don’t read them much these days but there are times when I do end up binging. And man was it bad at the beginning when I joined this forum.
Since some of the guys on here go into way too much detail.

I don’t have any weird fetishes but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with polygamy (not that I want to be part of it ), like whatever floats people’s boat I guess :joy:


#214

Day 34:

I wrote something on here earlier on but it’s all gone :sob:
So I guess I’ll have to try this again

Yesterday was an alright day, wasn’t too bad but I could have done so much more. I did want to go out but it was raining for the whole day so I ended up staying indoors because I didn’t want to risk myself of getting a cold (funny thing, I was already getting one).

So what did I do, well I cleaned my room, did 3 pages worth of sketches, binge watched some shows, followed my skin care routine for both am and pm, had a proper breakfast and ate well for the rest of the day. And as always I showered to get rid of any anxious feeling I was getting in the morning after waking up (also for any potential urges that I might get)

Should have exercised but I didn’t and maybe done some more work but I don’t know why couldn’t do much if that makes sense ?? I need to fix up my time management cause last time I just sat in the library for over 3 hours and didn’t accomplish much. I’m really slow I guess.

After reducing my WhatsApp usage, I went from an average of 3-4 hours to about 30mins!!!
But instead of using that time on something beneficial I just ended up wasting it on reading.

I want to start craving for my hobbies again but I’ve become so critical of everything I do I just end up hating it.

I need to be less negative of things.


#215

I actually admire your passion for reading.Please don’t describe it as a waste of time.You make me nostalgic for a time when I was able to spend hours reading various things in libraries before having kids.Reading is a noble hobby.Maybe it’s what you read that makes you feel your time is wasted.Try historical biographies."How to…"books.And classics rather than popular novels.


#216

Yes your right @Angel_in_a_cage , it’s the things that I read that’s a waste of time. Up until I was about 16/17 I used to visit the library often (still do without borrowing any of the books) reading anything that was interesting , my last proper read was gypsy boy by Mikey Walsh.

I mean I do read stuff but it’s kinda all over the place , like now I just read a lot of manga/ graphic novels and that’s the result of the overdue charge on my library card that I was afraid or having to pay.

But it’s all taken care of now so I just borrow alot of sewing books that I never get around to reading.


#217

Day 35:

Today’s a bad day , everything just hurts physically and mentally. I’m crying and I don’t know why exactly. I woke up with one of the worse anxious feelings that I haven’t had in a long time.

I had to get up and shower but it still wasn’t enough, it hurts, it hurts, it just hurts.

I’ve got work today as well , the timings always bad and I can’t call them last minute to cancel on my shift since I did that last time.

I’m kinda tempted to just relapse even though I’ve got no urges.

I’m just really pathetic now.

Update: I’m feeling so much better now it’s nearly ten pm and I think I’ll be going to bed early today.


#218

Have read the book “called the seat of the soul?” I would advice you to stay away from most mangas and those related they can be a big trigger


#219

Reading is not a waste of time (I also read manga, as long as they have good storyline and they are also good reference for us artist)

I’m also have a hard time managing my time and I’m a negative person “sometimes perfectionists”. I do hope will find a way to manage our time properly.

If you have some free time go and relax. I just hope you’ll feel much better today.


#220

Oh no I haven’t but I’ll look in to it after this. Not all mangas bad and I don’t seem to get triggered by it but I won’t lie I did read some messed up genres cause of the storyline’s being interesting.

Don’t worry nothing illegal though :joy: just some messed up psychological stuff.


#221

:sob: I feel so much better now , thanks for the kind words.

Yes reading isn’t a waste of time just not on things that are not beneficial. And omg I also read some manga for the art itself and using as a refrence whenever I’m drawing (like JoJo ).

Yh it does kinda suck whenever my negative thoughts get in the way of things. I can’t seem to ever be happy with any of my completed sketches or sewing projects.

I’ll let you know if I find any solutions for it.


#222

Glad you are feeling okay and glad you are still doing your hobbies.

Making them as reference is good inspiration too but sometimes I’ll just be like when will I be as good as them moment hahahaha

I’m also trying to go back to sketching, there are months when I won’t even draw. sometimes I suspect I have depression or sometimes I think it’s just my genes.
I totally can relate when you have done a project you’ll just feel like ehh, what is this I’ve make. sometimes sharing to someone your close seem a good help too. But yeah when negativity struck you’ll just see the ugly stuff in your work even if they are not that bad.Just keep doing your project. I hope I can be as diligent as you. I always give up on the middle and just finish a few ones.