Sparklymango's Diary: "Who said this was ever going to be easy?" Day 0


#181

Thank you @Aoshigreen😭

I wish I was doing well , honestly I have no idea what I’m going through right now but I know for sure that I need to change the environment that I’m in and have a change of heart.

Today just feels weird to me , I’m starting to realise how lonely I am, even though I have friends no one seems to realise the things I’m going through not even my family.


#182

I’m a creative person too, and get easily lead astray by thoughts, because I’m working in isolation a lot.

Being here, I feel understood and see myself in others, and don’t feel so bad anymore,
but equally people here might not understand me in the ways my family & friends understand.

Quitting pmo isn’t really a challenge,
but looking at our nature, questioning how to live life is, because it’s so deep a question.
I think it’s an amazing and virtuous thing we are doing here!

I don’t know if that might help!
But keep going, and keep doing what makes you ultimately happy!


#183

Day 17:

Today I feel like I’m suffocating and there’s nothing for me to write about but juts negative thing’s. I don’t even know how to handle this feeling. Showering didn’t really do much this time.

I don’t know what it was but I woke up today crying and this heavy feeling that I’m always getting when I wake up, it was way worse than normal.
_
I wrote all of their yesterday but never finished it since I didn’t really have much to say but I did want to come back and complete it before yh end of the day.


#184

Day 18:

I’m staring to think this diary’s turning into a mental health log I mean in some ways my triggers are connected to my mental well being . Relapsing for me is my way of numbing myself of any emotions I’m trying to avoid.

I’m still getting anxious from whatever it is after waking up in the mornings , for once I tried to force myself to sleep a bit more since I went to bed so late but I just ended up crying about nothing after managing to sleep some more.

I guess that nothing was just the feeling of never amounting to anything. I finished work early yesterday and instead of doing some personal work I ended wasting 4 hours of my time talking to someone on WhatsApp.

Maybe 2 hours would be okay but 4! That’s way too much to the point of messing my sleep pattern. I managed to go to bed with ease though.

Today I’ll be working so hopefully when I get home I’ll have some time to do something’s and maybe write some stuff on here.

One step at a time.


#185

You talk to people over the internet a lot.Do you have any female friends you can meet for coffee or whatever you like doing?


#186

Yh I do have a good group of female friends but they all have extremely busy lives so we rarely get to meet up. It doesn’t help when I live so far away from them. So we talk on WhatsApp from time to time.

Then there’s the other group of friends that I’ve never met and only talk to on WhatsApp gcs.
I’ve left them all but decide to go back on one yesterday just so say hello but stuck around for way too long.

I guess being an introvert makes it much more worse. Yeah I should try to get myself out more locally that is, but once you leave school it’s so much harder to make new friends.

When I was younger I would always get asked to hang out but because my parents were strict I would turn them down and at some point they never bothered asking. But now that I’ve got that choice, I tend to ditch plans that are: way too expensive, too far or finishes really late.

Kinda ironic since people think that I’m an out going person when in reality all I want to do is stay in my bed as a human burrito :joy:.


#187

Day 19:

One day left until I reach my next milestone, hopefully things will continue like this to day 30 and beyond.

Today after getting up I didn’t have any anxious feelings at all, for once I had a dream. Before I would see so many of them but for the last few weeks, no maybe months I didn’t have any at all unless I just didn’t remeber them once I woke up.

But because I had this dream I woke up at around 4am, I looked at my phone and I started thinking if what I had seen was real or not.

I was scared and slightly panicking, the thing I feared the most might have come true. That someone I knew personally had discovered this journal and had exposed my sins, my thoughts and the struggles I’m always going through, for someone to just expose me like that to everyone I know, that public humiliation I couldn’t stand it.

But I looked over at my messages and none of it was real , and I thought to myself did I reveal my own identity on one of these entries since I haven’t looked back at them for a while now.

This all happened when I looked over at how many views this diary had , I didn’t even know we had that feature and to be honest with you it took me back a little.

So many people have read this and I wonder if it’s helped anyone, I wonder if anyone I know personally had read them and I was a little scared at the thought of it, but then again this is my way of dealing with this bad habit. I want to be able change for the best starting with myself and the way I handle thing’s.

I had become someone so completely different because of this addiction that I had forgotten who I was and what I stood for. The future that I used to dream of, it was all gone.

Myself confidence got worse I can’t even look people in the eyes and I try to avoid things that seem too troublesome.

But I’m human and each and every one of us has something that we don’t want people around us to know about. How we choose to deal with it is what makes us all different from each other .

Rejection, failures and never getting the thing you want shouldn’t stop us instead it should motivate us to be persistent and go for better opportunities.

Keep trying to not give in and it’s okay to feel down just don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s a reminder to myself and all of you guys.

“Sometimes the worts things that happen in our lives turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”

I’m feeling unwell today so I’ll be resting but you guys have great weekend okay.


#188

Day 20:

I wonder why but it always bothers me whenever someone leaves me on read, I just feel so irritated by it and I don’t know what to do.

I only feel like this from time to time but there are days when it really does get to me, cause I start thinking to myself all these what if scenarios.

Was I ever a bother to them and did I do something for them to just leave my message on read. Was any of them talking about me behind my back?

I just want them to tell me so that I don’t have to waste my precious time on them, if they were never invested in the convo/friendship to begin with.

I feel so much better writting this out since there’s better things to be worried about.

Anyway I’ve reached my 20 day mark so I’ve decide that every 10 days I’ve reached I’ll write a recap of all the things I’ve achieved in this period regarding my targets.

So what have I done in this time:

I’ve exercised so much more but failed to have a continuous streak. I’ve been drawing a bit but not everyday. My internet usage has reduced down to an average of 6 hours and 28 mins which is still high but better than 7.
Failed to go out more, failed to work 2-3 hours a day .I’m doing something but honestly I don’t think it’s much. I’ve been cleaning my room but not everyday and as for this journal I haven’t written something everyday for the past week.

But I’ve made it to day 20 and my moods have improved so much that my colleague noticed and asked if I was alright since I was talking alot more with the customers than normal.

I feel good even if I haven’t met all my targets and my moods alot better these days. I feel so motivated right now after receiving a reminder from someone significant.

We don’t really have a choice with what life has thrown at us and what we lack in is what we need to create for ourselves. It might take sometime but we’ll see the outcome eventually.

So let’s do this.


#189

I’m finding your diary very motivating, helpful and hopeful!


#190

Thank you for the kind words @Aoshigreen I’m glad you find my diary helpful and motivating.

I’m always happy to know that you guys take the time to read my stuff.


#191

Day 21:

I’ve been struggling to write something on here and this is my 3rd attempt today. Not that I have nothing to say but I just keep on exiting without saving anything.

But let’s try this again,

I had a dream today where I’d relapsed but it felt so surreal that I woke up from it thinking that I might have but I realised I couldn’t since my phone was dead at that point.

This might have happened after I chose to read something that had some aspects of adult themes. No sex or anything but I should have not read it in the 1st place.

I also had a 2nd dream where my mum had discovered my secret just from looking at my dirty laundry? Like I still can’t wrap my head around it.

Anyway I’m a bit tired so I’ll finish the rest of this diary entry tommorow.

Goodnight


#192

You mean to say you haven’t told anyone you know that you’re trying to do nofap? Would your family disapprove of it so much? What about other people you know? What are you so embarrassed about?I ask out of curiosity not judgement.


#194

Yes I haven’t told anyone about it and plan on keeping it that way as long as I can.

Since I believe that god concealed my sin’s from others for a reason, that I shouldn’t just go ahead and expose it publicly. That I should repent everytime I fall back into it. So in a sense god’s the only one that I’ve told and that alone is enough for me.

Some people on here do say it helps sharing it with someone you know but being a girl and everything that’s part of a culture that looks down on masturbation. I’m better of keeping it to myself.

My mum’s already worried about the boys constantly fapping, I don’t plan on being another one of her worries. :joy:


#195

I guess I can relate. I was raised in a religious tradition that viewed masturbation negatively.I have my own private non-religious spirituality now and don’t regard masturbation as sinful but as a problematic addiction that obstructs human progress.


#196

Totally agree with your statement 100%. Masturbation has become a really problematic habit that many of us have ignored for far too long to face the issues and the negative effects it has on our wellbeing.

I would even go as far as to say that it might be the very reason why my own life has become like this and with the constant internet use coming hand in hand.

I haven’t amounted to anything and I’m 22 now. I was never this insecure with my work and looks but now I’m always finding faults in everything I do.

When people compliment me I would always turn that compliment away and ask if I could do any better. I don’t even remember the last time where I was truly happy with myself but I’m working on that.


#197

Make sure you put equal effort into dealing with your internet addiction too then.


#198

Day 22:

I’m at my worst in terms of my emotions I was crying over something and now this

  • I started this yesterday and stopped but I’m gonna go ahead and post it.

Just a reminder to myself that I’m trying my best


#199

Day 23:

My emotions are all over the place , I thought I could handle petty things like this but I guess I can’t.

It’s just that I’m so fragile and people tell me I’m too nice. I just don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to cry.

When someones telling you that crying is a sign of weakness don’t listen to that crap because it’s not true.

When did crying become a criminalised thing, why can’t I cry without anyone telling me not to.

I guess I’m not the normal one for always feeling like this. I wish I could say I was okay but I’m not.

I’m sick of it and I’m sick of this life. I’m sick of always having to explain to people that’s just how I am.

And I’m not ashamed of crying out in publicly, so don’t ever tell me to shut up.

If I wanna cry then just let me cry.

I’ve got work today and honestly I just want to stay in. There’s somethings I need to clear up and probably seek for some help with.

But I don’t know who.


#200

Here’s the thoughts that come to my mind.Please don’t take offense.Crying is a normal part of the human experience. I don’t make a value judgement on it (good or bad) generally.It may not be a sign of weakness but what you cry about reflects how much value you are attributing different things and how much attention you are giving them.This is a philosophical matter worthy of deep contemplation as it will determine much of your decision making and the course of your life.Are you giving too much attention to things you can’t change?Are you giving too much importance or value to anything? Also you are not alone in this world and you have to adapt to how others are rather than asking everyone else to adapt to you sometimes.They don’t choose to be annoyed by your crying any more than you choose to feel like crying.Also if your crying doesn’t seem to be related to what is going on in your life then you may have hormonal/brain chemistry issues that need to be dealt with. I apologize in advance if any of this offended you.


#201

None taken :blush:

That’s true I can’t expect people to start adapting to me when I’m supposed to adapt to the environment itself. And I’m okay with that, I’ve been through alot of stuff in my life and honestly I’m okay with that. I have my moment’s where I let it all out and I feel better about it afterwards.

I do think it might be something that’s mentally related and I’ve seeked for some help when I was 16 but on two different occasions both doctors turned me away.

Telling me it was stress related and just handing me a leaflet that I knew I didn’t have enough credit to make that call for.

So I just buried all of my emotions and kept on moving but the moment I had my surgery things escelated.

I was at home for longer periods of times whilst recovering. Everyone around me was so occupied that no one had the time to stop by after the hospital visit.

That’s when I felt true loneliness for the first time which led me to smut books and masturbation.