Sparklymango's Diary: "How can anyone with nothing to lose, hope to compete with people who know what they want"


The fall is never a happy time.
I sometimes wonder when my day 0 is coming too (but I try to dismiss the idea quickly)

You can be sad bro, but not too much.
Better days will come.

If you think in terms of total relapses, you are already doing a lot less too!

Keep going, you are doing great!
Just forget the relapse and keep up! :+1:


You know after yesterday I had that horrible feeling come back except I was getting it when I was trying to go to sleep.

But I just started tearing up and fell asleep as cried at my own mistake.
I woke up today and stayed in bed for more than hour before getting up to bath.

And I went back to wasting my time for half the day when I decided to do something instead of being upset about it.

Cleaned my bed sheet and covers, cut my patterns and applied for a few jobs. Still I wasted more time than being productive.

It wasn’t much but I realised that I needed to change my mentality. I was tempted to just relapse again since I already relapsed yesterday but then I received a message from my friend.

She’s getting married and she’s working at her dream job after graduating.

But I haven’t accomplished anything and because of such a reason I started to creat a distance between us. So no one would bother me with ‘so what are you doing?’ question.

I guess life tests you in the most unexpected ways.


I feel so tempted to give up on this journal and I think I might take a breather for a few days.


Give it a rest.

In the last 3 days I just had one thing on my mind, that I was not doing good enough. It tired me, leaving me powerless. Even now I feel tired, but it is just a feeling. It will pass. Anxiety is hard when comes, but will pass.

Then you are right about the breather. I need get some proper sleep too, not sleep enough in the last days. Maybe I on too much into this forum.

Take care bro, just rest yourself, you are going good.
We won’t change on just a day, but little by little.

Let’s live one day at a time.

The world is not stopping for us, it will keep spinning and going around, so don’t worry too much.
I trying to do that too. :smiley::+1:


Thanks bro, I think we both should do just that I think I need to think why I’m even doing this in the 1st place.


One of the only good things about a relapse is it forces you to think about who you are and why we started doing this in the first place. Sometimes just understanding the real reason you want to do the thing is more powerful than than just avoiding the guilt and shame, I think it’s because it gives you something to strave upwards too, it’s hopeful.

Take all the time you need, your under no obligation to us, just know that we will be here if you need us.

Keep the spark alive mango. :boom::muscle::weight_lifting_man:


Thanks man means a lot.

I’m back from a relapse and I don’t know if it’s considered a relapse but I reset my counter again. If I’m going to do this properly I should stick to this and continue.

I actually realised that everytime I would onto hear it was mentally a way of helping me cope and a constant reminder to always keep going.

I actually don’t want to write but that in turn would just leave me more prone to relapses.

I’ve always had this app but I never really used it properly until now.

I guess talking to my friend got to me in a sense that I’ve distanced myself so much that the conversation was dead, I just didn’t know what to talk about.

Maybe like you said this should be a reminder and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.


@Veritas312 Well said! :clap::clap:

It’s like he said, we are here if you need us!

Be strong brothers! :smiley::+1:


Day 2:
I’m back but I don’t know what to write

So I started writing the above yesterday but I stopped and just went to sleeve.

I’m really stressed right now, this headache I’m having just seems to be getting worse and my mum’s endless shouting never seems to come to an end.

I was listening to H3 podcast with vsauce3 and they where talking about Jake smoking after beating his cancer all because he was mad.

Mad because he always led a healthy lifestyle and had no sort of genetic cancer but that his was a mutation.

But Ethan said something that hit me, smoking s not great but people have become dependent on it since it relieves ‘stress’.

But that was actually just a placebo kind of effect that the individual had created for themselves.

That part just hit me since for me a relapse meant I was always relieving stress but in actuality if anything it just made me feel more worse and more dependent on relapsing.

That dopamine rush is only temporary.

Edging a few days ago just made me lot less productive, I had to uninstall my block app for a bit but when I got it back I didn’t use it ,so I spent over 5 hours procrastinating.

My sister had a go at me for doing nothing.
But I have been applying for jobs continuously as for sewing and painting I haven’t done much.

Good thing I been at least trying to keep up with my exercise, I’m thinking if I should try to lose some weight (my genes are so cruel, you can feel my ribs but my arms are fat :sob::joy:)

And I pulled out a journal book I bought a few years ago, I’m thinking of creating a productivity journal.

(I feel like my writings all over the place but whatever :no_mouth:)


Day 7:
The more I’m thinking to myself on what to write the more distant I’ve become with this diary.

The last two weeks have been hectic and stressful that I don’t even know what I’m doing with myself anymore.

I missed my chance at getting a great job opportunity and I’m starting to have panick attacks again.

My mum said something that really just hurt ,

“Why are you laughing if you claim to be in pain?”

I guess I’m supposed to show everyone pain as an emotion. But if your like me you, just bottle up and conceal it , as if nothing’s wrong with you. I have a higher pain tolerance and I’ve learned to cope with it.
Cause the moment I do have the courage to speak, I get dismissed or they’ll tell you to get over it. Even worse just leave you.

There’s a book I’ve read and everything about was screaming me besides a few things like
I don’t share the same sexuality with the author but this book ‘My lesbian experience with loneliness’ by kabi nagata, just hit home with me.

Everything about her mental health and how she seems to be so negative and not being able to get work just seemed so relatable.

There’s a part where she talks about going to the doctor’s and asking about what’s wrong with her and the answer being ‘just get some rest’.

I was there in my life where I sat in front of a doctor crying telling them what’s wrong with me but they always gave me the same advice and I would leave.

I haven’t been diagnosed with anything but I’m someone who’s too sensitive I’m not afraid of showing my tears since I’m used to it.
Everything around can be too stimulating at times.

I wonder if I’ll ever get out of this viciouse cycle of negativity and constant fear of never succeeding, but how do I expect to leave such thoughts if I’m always ready to fall down the stairs progress?


I’m actually starting to think I can’t relate in anyway at all on this site, what the f*** am I?

I don’t see any one as a sexual object, if my friend talks about someone’s attractiveness I think what are you seeing?


Sometimes I get so much anxious like this too.

“When I will ever make something out good of my life?
Why I am just wasting my living time doing nothing worth?” It is like killing me by inside.

What I can say about this is: it is normal to have these feelings.

What helps me when this happens is just accept it.

Accept that I will not ever use my life the best way possible. That I never always succeed in all I want.

There are good days and bad days. Victories and defeats.

Then I just try to do what I can, and if I could not, so be it.
As long as I’m alive I can try again. And you can too.

While there is a struggle, there is a way.
Be strong bro! :slight_smile::+1:


Man I missed you bro :sob:
It’s good to always get a reply back from you.

Yh I shouldn’t over think about it too much but other factors in my life are starting to get to me so much that physical I’m feeling sick.

I’m gonna need to accept that life isn’t so easy when your trying to attain the most difficult things in life.
But before I can try again I need to work even harder cause my productivity seems non existent right now.

And I woke up at 4am today :scream:
It’s actually 5 now :disappointed_relieved:


Yeah bro, missed you too! But even I don’t reply I am always looking your diary updates. :slight_smile::+1:

Well I just trying to sort out my life too, yesterday had a fever and headache, feeling urges to just have some easy relief from stress (and this would be just give me more stress, so I refused) but I am feeling better now.

And of course it is difficult to quit this addiction and to be more productive. This addiction has giving us lazyness and unsatisfaction with ourselves for much time.

But the past is in the past. We are only wasting or learning from the past.

The time for change is now. It will not be in a fraction of time, but we are slowly continuing to change, and so we need patience with ourselves.

We gonna win over it bro! :grinning::raised_hands:


Man get better soon, that go’s for both of us I’m also feeling sick these past few days.
Good thing your not giving into your urges, proud of you👍

I just couldn’t help but think how times going by so fast and I’m still stuck in the same place.
My stress has taken over all urges right now, which is different since my stress leads to my urges.


I feel like s*** right now, a nervous wreck and a ball full of anxiety.

I edged today ( I think I relapsed 45 minutes ago)
A part of me didn’t want to restart the counter but I was in doubt, better to just start a new slate.

Feeling a lot of regret for distantancing myself from this diary, I guess I started worrying about opening myself up too much. I would open up the app ,stare, think about it and close it.

I really want to change but I lack the motivation, i been trying Nofap by myself for overa 3-4 years. I could hold myself back but I love reading so I fall back into the vicious cycle.

I’m glad I was aware of the damage I was causing to myself but my willpower lacks.
I can tell myself I can do it but I just fall back into it. The strong guilt afterwards I used to feel is gone, instead a feel more hollow.

I think it’s time I came back and wrote everything that I’m going through and being honest with myself. The feelings and emotion and the hardship in life.

Right now my life sucks each day seems to just get worse. My life’s in a bit of a mess, the upcoming months are definitely not days I’m looking forward to. I honestly think I’m like this because of the lifestyle I’ve led.

Shutting myself away from everyone made it worse and the realization that not everything is going the way you planned.

I’d rather stay in doors, I’m a wreck when I talk and I never seem to finish anything I start, even TV shows :scream:.

I feel like cutting off my hair again. I tend to do it when I want to change myself, it kinda worked for a while and only done it once.


Join Bro NF Survivor of Relapses.


I might try it out mabe my lack of interest in challenges is why I’m here again.


But you are talking about it and doing something about it, life indeed is not easy but this are words, you can’t fill your life with negative words, its a journey sometimes you fall, i have fallen many times too, am also trying to get my act together and becoming an adult shit i get anxiety too sometimes but i learning to understand that anxiety won’t serve me in the long term, its not a crime to be in a bad situation you just have to work on it and rise to your potential.


Thank you @nagate, I actually been struggling for the past few weeks, mentally it’s so exhausting I’m not the oldest child but I’m being treated as the responsible one.

Our family’s at the verge of falling apart and I’m worried about what’s going to happen to us, the sleep attacks are getting worse and waking up at 4am feeling scared and nervous.

I went to a bunch of interviews and the moment I tell them I have a physical condition they all switch off. No one wants to hire me without even giving me a chance.

But that changed today, I officially got hired and I started crying because someone was giving me a chance and the manager was so so nice and understanding. We all sat there and got emotional.

I just dropped by this app today since I haven’t been keeping up with my promise. I thought I should write something down but I’m glad to see that people are reading the things I write.

But I still can’t imagine myself succeeding in life since I’m so negative towards myself.
I try to imagine working and doing my dream job but I just can’t see it.
I hope this new work will give me the encouragement and motivation for me to move forward.