After 37 days I managed to relapse and masturbate. Contrary to what I was thinking it would feel like, it felt good.
It felt good because in depth, I have made a huge progress. I remember in the past, as a kid/teenager when I started masturbating, I would think of a girl/woman that I like and when we would have sex within my fantasy, I would think of what words to tell her and would think of how to please her, how I would talk to her and generally, how I would, respectfully and lovingly, sleep with her… Later on, I discovered porn and everything changed. I would masturbate and think women as sexual objects to quench me desire. Not anymore as a loving partner about whose pleasure and well-being you should also think during the act but as someone who’s there to please me however I would want.
I’m glad and the masturbation felt good because I didn’t masturbate as I used to when I was watching porn. I thought about a lady that I like and masturbated thinking again about her needs during the act. It felt good because my tool… was rock solid without needing to turn to porn. It felt good because after so many days I could feel the dopamine rising while before stopping with fapping, it felt as if something I would do on a routinely basis. My pleasure receptors had become numb in the past. It felt good to see that they are no longer numb. Most importantly, it felt good because in the past, I could not stop masturbation for longer than 6 days. Now I have. It felt good because I didn’t do it with porn and I am still abhorred by the mere idea of looking at porn. It felt good because my occasional lover told me I have improved dramatically in sex. It was funny because I only had sex with her 3 times during the nofap period and no else. She said she feels I improved in the area of thinking how to pleasure her too than only pleasuring myself as if she is a tool for my pleasure during the act… Above all, it felt good because I’m determined to start again and exceed those 37 days!
It felt good !