Shifting Gear - my (37M) recovery diary

I just made 23 days!

I had some pretty tough urges in the first week or so.

Since then, I have been in flatline for several weeks, although starting to feel my libido return. Woke up with some serious morning wood today…

What has got me through these first few days?

  1. Making a firm decision to stop p & m for good (I am married and once I feel ready, my wife and I will have sex).
  2. Being honest and telling friends and family about my struggle, no matter what the cost.
  3. Joining an online group for guys who are struggling to quit porn.
  4. Installing a porn blocker with built in accountability.
  5. Shooting for increasingly high badges on this app (I won’t lie, my ego loves the climb).

What am I going to do instead of wasting my life watching p?

  1. Work out (am using dumbells at home for now - attempting a 5 day split based on Mike Matthews’ “Bigger, Leaner, Stronger”)
  2. Hanging out with my adorable daughter (21 months old).
  3. Reminding myself how to play keyboard (am rusty, used to be good).

Please join me as I try and hit 1,000 days free of p&m. Have avoided o so far, but I’m not committing to a particular period of celibacy.

Take care and keep on pushing guys!

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Am closing in on 30 days, but have had a tough week…

Highs - did weights twice, cycled 15 miles twice, met a friend in the real world, confessed my addiction to him and got him on board as a supporter.

Lows - fights with my wife, she is understandably hurt by the many lies I told her to cover my addiction and she uses that against me .

I will keep on pushing. Need to do better this week with exercise!!

Day 37, just woke up with morning wood (most days now) and found myself fantasising about pmo.

Have put on some clothes, am walking to my nearest park to sit in the stillness of nature.

Choosing to replace the urges with meditation and prayer.

41 days today!

I feel more confident and articulate, I have also found myself better able to do my job - feels like I’m more aware of detail…

52 days!

Physical urges are starting to fade. Things and times that used to be triggers are much less of a problem now.

It’s still important for me to maintain routines and be vigilant, but I am allowing myself a little bit of flexibility.

Rather than pmo, I am finding pleasure in new things, like receiving massages (I am receiving monthly treatments), eating delicious food, and playing music (alone and teaching my little daughter). It’s great to have things to look forward to every day.

I am starting to explore some of my deeper issues which left me susceptible to pmo addiction. In particular, shame and trauma. I have started to get counselling, to help me address these things.

Family life is improving. My wife is going to get counselling too, and we both feel that we will come out of this situation with a much stronger and more genuine connection.

Overall, I am making positive progress, and feel hopeful for the future.

I forgot to add my sharing code: c7wptl

So, I have had an introductory counselling session this week, and afterwards did an exercise that helped me understand myself a lot better.

I did a schema mode assessment which indicated that my primary schema mode is detached protector. That means that I fear difficult / strong emotions and in order to ‘protect’ myself, detach or numb myself.

Sometimes I have used pmo to detach, and more often to fill the emptiness that is the result of my emotional detachment.

Am looking forward to gaining more insight and growing.

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I hit day 75 and barely noticed!

I think my self image is changing. I am starting to see myself as someone who just doesn’t watch p, and doesn’t m. Serious cravings are rare.

Everybody hang on, believe me, it gets better! :+1:t5::+1:t5:

81 days, and I’m about to take a 2 week holiday with my wife and daughter.

I’m going to take my Kindle and mobile phone with me, no laptop, and enjoy some sunshine and relaxation…

Has been a crazy year so far!

Don’t forget to care for yourselves in this journey. To succeed, we need profound change that goes deep into who we really are. Killing the addictive behaviour is just step one on a magnificent journey of freedom…