Sahas Journey Part 2 : From Day 0 To 12


I am as good as any other human. They laugh at me… i have to surprise them with my Rise. I have to become successful in my life. I have to take control over myself. I have to do a job. I have to stand on my feet.

I have to run. I have to laugh. I have to shine. I have to make my wife proud of myself. I have to take care of my kids and family. I have to work hard.

I have to Rise Again.
I cant live like this anymore. I have to save life.

I have to make a jump into the unknown. I have to embrace the change this time. I have to prove that my name is courage. I have to take that leap of faith. I have to defeat every urges. There is no time to waste.
Lets go.



Back To Hell

After my relapse i wept a lot… i cried my throat out with no sound… tears falling like rainfall… what a waste of oppurtunity… 20 days gone in waste.
I am in a prison of my own. All types of anxieties are back. Have to stay at home all day & night. You know how much time it takes to get out of this prison… Many days … it is very painful … to fall back like this… i am shattered & broken.
while i am at home… i did house tasks to keep myself occupied… i did cooking. I did washing of clothes. My underwear full of semen … i washed it. I have added excercise to my routine… a cardio workout. I eat a lot of fatty food to get back some energy.
Had some urges… negotiated easily… i have no energy left to even think of fapping. I am completly exhausted because i had 3 orgasms in last 2 days. Fucked up completly. A pschofapper idiot.

Lets do this again & this time i am going to make it. Urges they are going to listen this time… my voice… i am … not a slave… i am a free man

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The first post sounds very poetic :+1:


Brain Fog

Yesterday night i defeated the urges. The mind dont care for us. When it finds us in boredom… pain… alone… upset… it gave us a solution that is fapping to porn… This is a loser mentality of coping stress with fap. This solution is not going to make things better for us. In contrast we fall more into stress and misery. Anyway… i slaped that bitch urge yesterday… and it is gone. I am not expecting it to bite again for a couple of days or weeks.

Today,As i denied dopamine to myself … The brain is upset. I tried to study but too much thoughts and brain fog… makes it impossible to solve a maths problem. I put back my books to the place from where i picked them up.

I will keep myself busy in some house tasks, watching movies, eating & playing games.

In evening i will do my 5 minute cardio workout… and believe me that 5 minute are enough for me…

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I dont think they are gonna help in long term ( may be wrong)

I dont think , being busy in these , will help, they are themselves addiction
You should try something productive

What i did was waking up at 4:00 am everyday
I earlier used to wake up at 7 am. But as i changed my schedule , it benefits me a lot

How ? Every morning waking up at 4 is challenging. There are a lots of temptation to fall back in that cosy bed and sleep
But Everytime you overcome that urge, you train your mind that ''Im not your slave". Its gonna be difficult , but once you make it a habit, you enslave your brain to some extent and reach towards freedom

You cant specifically avoid just PMO temptations and succumb to all other temptations. Never possible.

Training of Mind is essential

Avoiding all types of temptation is the key.

Temptations are due to fickle mindedness
fickle mindedness is due to mental weakness
Mental weakness is due to indiscipline

Nofap without self discipline is impossible
Self discipline means once you take a decision , you must abide by it anyhow

And most importantly
Discipline is Never how you do one thing, its about how you do everything in your life, even the small petty things

So , bringing drastic positive changes in one’s daily schedule helps in

  1. Forgetting past faster
  2. Fills us with more energy and enthusiasm , as , our body loves novelty
  3. Breaks past vicious cycles and loops
  4. Changes our perspective towards better future and new possibility than same recurring past events
  5. Gives at least a new hope of bright future

Well, i had urges recently. So to distract my mind, i thought coming to this forum

So you @sahas are

  1. Resurgent
  2. Resurrection
  3. Awakening
  4. Courageous

Wow !


Thanks for the advice.
You sounds/write like old me …

Remember these big talks dont work when they are needed the most.
Take me as an example.

Dont become a laughing stock like me… here… Quickly finish your Reboot.

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So much weakness and fear… a simple running truck noise from the road gives me heart palpatations… i have taken my sleeping dose … i will take them for a month … then i will work on reducing them.

I dont know how i am living. I am very lucky to be alive and in comfort of my family.

Defeated urges again. You cant take me down… now… i am not going to yield.


Hello Sahas,

Bookmarked your diary and definitely going to support and follow you. I think doing ordinary tasks makes all the difference. Often when i relapse after a long streak i start to become sluggish and stop doing simple tasks like household, dishes etc. Wish you all the best!

Definetly is nice to read your diary. Keep it up!

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Everything big starts from small
It is the small things that create big differences


You forgot to mention
5. Life of god
6. Sickboy

I think the list is complete :blush:


Redacted text…


You reminded me of a quote from a book called Onanism. "All the symptoms
which arise from excesses of females, follow still more promptly,
and in youth, the abominable practice of masturbation, and it is difficult to paint them in as frightful colors as they deserve
young persons addict themselves to this practice without knowing the enormity of the crime, and all the consequences which
physically result from it. The mind is affected by all the diseases
of the body, but particularly by those arising from this cause. The most dismal melancholy, indifference, and aversion to all pleasures, the impossibility to take part in conversation, the
sense of their own misery, the consciousness of having brought
it upon themselves, the necessity of renouncing the happiness
of marriage, all affect them so much that they renounce the
world—blessed if they escape suicide."


Once … i thought of that… Somehow i am alive and full of hope that i can make it out.

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I will always Remember this time

Today positive : i made sahi panner ( an indian dish ) All family members appreciated it. It was as tasty as any Restaurant one. I took the help of youtube. In future i am planning more cooking dishes.
My body is aching and sore because of the workout i had done on previous 2 days. So i took a day off for now.

This time is very hard and i have become a mess. Its like i am in so much agitation & anxiety. I am in very big trouble. I will keep it in my mind … next time when urges will hit me… it is so much bad & ugly like hell. So much pain & suffering. … … i deserve it.

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Even people talking scares the shit out of me

Such is my situation now… when i am doing some work and some noise or movement happens around me… i get confused and scared. Anxiety shoots out. It makes my life very difficult.

Death is better than this life. I am walking piece of shit.


A conversation with The Urges

3 days streak… urges comes every day… Tonight i didnt crush them but invited them for a conversation.
:black_small_square:Me…," So … What do you want … Urges ?
:black_small_square:Urges : I want to see some beautiful women body.

Then, I imagined the naked women bodies… Here it is…
Then,I imagined my wife naked body …

:black_small_square:Me : What is in bodies… Flesh and bones… i have seen thousands of such bodies of different size and shapes. Whats the big deal ! Now go away.
:black_small_square:Urges : I want to fap to porn.

Then, i imagined myself faping to porn and watched… all my previous faping encounter…
It was like this,
First i watched a video on youtube in which a women was … doing some stupid activity … and i too was aware that what she was doing… she is faking it… she was making money from these videos but i was sleeping even though my eyes were wide open.
My body began to shiver. It shivered so much that i was unable to watch the video. I turned off the AC and fan… After that i was constantly watching at windows if someone was watching me or not… all cleared… i switched to other video as it was not the perfect one…
I precame and thus the shivering went away… like some steam went out of me.
I kept switching to more and more videos… but i didnt find anything suitable to fap…
Finaly a video was suitable to bust up my nuts to.
Splash !
I watched the energy going out from all corners of my body through my centre chakra… From my penis.

After imagining all this… i watched my naked body in mirror in reality… i watched my weak body… full of bones.
:black_small_square:I said to myself; this is what you get from fapping. You have become so much weak from pleasuring yourself.
:black_small_square:Urges : …
A silence… urges went away.

I remember my guru Osho speech… He said… Urges are going to take you to the god. Dont run … Witness them… Become Aware & Awake…
The Pure …the urge will become… the more you become close to the god…
Neither fall in them … nor submit to your urges… Know it… Understand it …
Free yourself.


Amazing in depht insight. Very spiritual. Being able to have a conversation with your urge and confront yourself with the aftermath of PMO is a sign of strenght! Keep going Sahas. Keep pushing!

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Some relief in Major Anxiety


Heart palpatitations have become less.
Workout done.
Studied a bit in the morning.
Headaches due to excessive smartphone use.


Kids are Blessed

It was raining. I went out to see the surroundings. I saw my brother childrens playing in rain water. They were so mad in joy. I envy them. I want to be like them.


Good observation

I too want my childish innocence back ! Those days seem to never come back again as long as we have the addiction