Confession time. I recently ran across old photos/videos from an old phone of me and my ex and some pornography photos. This was the time where I was my deepest into porn and it shows. I had very graphic photos saved that made me feel sick when I saw them. I thought I had deleted all of these photos but my phone had backups. I couldn’t help myself but to relive all those memories of my ex. While some were pretty graphic of her too I wasn’t really focusing on the nudity. I was just reliving those memories we had together. I feel bad that I did see nudity though, but do I count it as a relapse if I didn’t willfully seek it? Idk. I ultimately deleted all of the backups and after had a slight headache ofcourse from the dopamine rush my brain must’ve gotten. Don’t think it was much damage though, even if it was I will stay on this path. Totally ruined my mood.
Positive negative. What do I mean when I say this? I mean being optimistic in the face of negativity. Yes, I may (or may not) have haulted progress yesterday, but today is a new day. I will not fall into the pit any longer. I climb all the way with my brothers this time. I won’t let a simple slip up ruin what I have going.
I won’t lie yesterday was one of the most urge filled days of this streak, but I cannot blame anyone but myself. Having seen my ex did stur up my emotions a bit, but I feel I needed to relive those memories. Wish there wasn’t any ■■■■ on the phone but oh well I can’t change what was there. Also didn’t help that work was stressful and I was working on literally no sleep. But I am stronger then all of those things. If I were to have fallen it would’ve been my own doing and blaming those things would only be an excuse. Reminding myself how damaging the habit is always works for me. I recommend everyone get very familiar with what pmo has damaged in your life. Everytime an urge comes that list will always help snap you out of the lie pmo tells you. There is no benefit to it at all. It’s all damaging and yes I will keep using that word because it best describes the habit. 20 days tommorow, I’m excited. THANK GOD.
Now positive things, my productivity has sky rocketed. I have energy to do everything I need to do now. I can’t ask for anything more. Life’s good. Again, THANK GOD.
Thanks brother. Yeah I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Look at it this way, if you’ve learned from your mistake now you can go all the way to day 90. It’s a blessing in disguise if you learn from this. My advice to you is write down everything pmo has damaged in your life and reread that every 2 weeks atleast. Once you realize just how damaging it is you’ll not want to do that to yourself anymore. You’ve got this brother.
I didn’t have urges. I felt disgust and my stomach was turning from seeing what I used to be into. I was into pretty messed up stuff that I wouldn’t even put out there because it’s bad. But it goes to show just how addicted I was and how much addiction changes you. Anyways, goodluck bro.
So recently my mood has slowly lowered to a more dulled out mood. Honestly I felt this happening after I had written my Day 19 journal. As you gain more exp. on this journey you start to understand your bodies cues and triggers. I felt that withdrawal symptoms were going to come on.
The way I see it I might not be the happiest now but I will be the happiest when I beat this habit. You’ve got to take the whole process and own it. I apologize if I’ve come off as insensitive or arrogant these past couple days. I aim to be positive and caring but it’s hard when you don’t feel much.
Anyways I’m happy I’m done with week 3. Here comes week 4 and I’m grateful to have what I have going into the new year. May God bless each of you. We can all do this.
Song of the Day
Lanterns On The Lake - Through The Cellar Door
You have developed a full conscious and positive mind . You are already aware of the devil’s tricks and treats , don’t fall for their traps now. You got this man
I didn’t write on New Year’s because of how depressed I was feeling. I’d rather y’all enjoy your time. But Happy New Year everybody! Crazy how fast things can change within a matter of days. I went from happy to sad within a couple of days. Even while spending time with people I feel this broken hearted feeling for no reason. I’m blaming this on a flatline. Anxiety is also up. I’m hoping it’ll pass. Probably the main reason I started this journey was to help or beat the mental illnesses I struggle with. If this doesn’t help then idk what I’m going to do. I really don’t want to medicate and I’ve already tried a therapist. This is my last hope. It’s hard to be optimistic at a time like this.
Urges still under control. Never looking back its way too damaging. Hope this flatline will pass soon. Hope everyone else is doing good. (:
Everyone’s situation is different, but I can tell you that I suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts for years, but thank GOD, they’ve all left me on this journey.
Leaving pornography and masturbation behind really helped repair my self-esteem. Also, my psychoanalysis which I read once a week until ~day 150:
I can advice you on how to do your own if it’s something you’re interested in. It totally transformed my self-esteem.
Remember that we go through ups and downs on life. Things won’t always be great, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel bad sometimes, we all do. But we can also get through it, and that’s what matters.
Just wanted to share a quote I saw someone say, and a good video about addiction. I just found the quote so true and profound. I think we all can learn from it. And the video is very informative, screw addiction!
“The devil doesn’t come disguised in red horns and cape. He comes disguised as all the things you ever wanted.”
Thank God this flatline is going fast. It was rough, but worth it. Recently I’ve been seeing a lot of suggestive ads on YouTube. I’ve put “do not show again” & “it’s inappropriate” on them and yet they still pop up. They caused an urge to come and I really hate it. I’ve been pretty clean so far except for that one slip up with my old phone. I’d rather leave it all behind but it’s like someone knows I’m trying to quit and tries tempting me.
I dreamt vividly again. Seems to me like vivid dreaming usually occurs when dopamine is regulated or regulating so that’s good. Maybe that’s why I feel better now. Much love to all of you guys @Adioz@tuku@Forerunner. Couldn’t ask for more from companions. Thanks for the support when I needed it.
I’ve always heard it said it takes hard work to get things you want. Now I understand that they were right. I finally have the energy to put my all into my work and it really feels like I’m making a difference. Before nopmo I’d give half in everything I do. I now actually care about relationships again… Which sounds bad to say but I won’t deny that I was screwed up on this cycle of pmo. I’m happy again. Thank God for everything. Thank God for improvement. Thank God for His grace. Thank God for this community.
So yesterday was a big marker for me, 1 month. Proud/happy about that.
I took some time to reflect today on previous posts. Scrolling up to the first post I made on this journal I was so unhappy and sad. It honestly saddens me to see how much I was hurting. I’m so happy that I didn’t give up. Life is precious, but when you can’t see it and all you know is pain it becomes nothing more then a hard decision to keep fighting. Thank God I’m better now. Thank God I haven’t seriously thought of looking back.
It’s way over being “worth it” to quit. It’s a blessing.
Yes , you have come a long way. I can’t even imagine how it will be like falling from a 98 days mark . Then you decided to start this journey ahain and look at you are getting up there again. It’s totally worth it !! Cheers mate.
THANK GOD.
