“No matter how many times you fail. You are still ahead of the people who isn’t even trying”.
18 August 2021
4: 30 pm
Hi, I am risinglion123. I have been in this app about 1 year taking challenges ,encouraging people who relapsed and been active in everything that has been provided by the forum. To be straight without exaggeration, I have relapsed now. I used to research myself after every relapse and made attempts like blocking apps, workout, cold showers etc.
After all these desperate attempts, I was a consistent failure for last 7.5 years. I was addicted to porn about 2.5 years and masturbation for 7.5 years. Currently I am 19 years old studying in an Engineering College and pursues Electronics and Communication Engineering. Since I may be a new face to some of you, in this post I will be telling about my life in brief.
PMO AND MY FUCKED UP LIFE
I am typically an introvert who prefer spending time alone rather than spending time with my classmates. Why I am an introvert? Probably because my dad and mom are introverts. My dad used to say that he was an introvert in his childhood but he was forced to become an extrovert because of his job which involve a lot of communication skills. My mom used to be a nerd in studies and expect me to become like that.
That’s all about my family. Even though I used to be an introvert, I am really determined to succeed in life since childhood. My favorite sport I love to watch is Cricket. Whenever MS Dhoni or Virat Kohli make our country win during stressful situations, It gives me goosebumps and at the same time, a mad desire that people should look at me like a captain/ hero/ savior in my future because I never got a chance to shine in my life.
Since I am an introvert, I used to have a lot of hobbies since childhood. Some of my general interest were music, zodiac sign, pokemon , cricket and so on. I chose the name Risinglion123 because of my zodiac sign Leo, the zodiac sign that ideally contradicts my behavior. For those who have less idea about astrology, Leo is the zodiac sign that is considered confident, brave , dominant and the one who shines a lot, in brief which are the characteristics that I want.
Sorry, I love to story tell a lot, so without further due, lets get to our common topic.
How I found out the concept called masturbation
I was 12 years old. Studying in 7th Standard as a typical introvert reading books, daydreaming etc. There was a guy( I don’t want to reveal his name) who has a habit of massaging his d**k in public. I don’t blame him because he has a problem associated with his brain due to iron deficiency. Whenever he does such a process I make an attempt to move his hands out of that position. Whenever I does that, he begin to act aggressively making noises to stop me from stopping him. After 3- 4 minutes of this act, he become calm and composed and removed his hand from that area. This aroused my curiosity. That night, I followed the same procedure and waited for few minutes. I began to feel a particular sensation which reached its peak level about few seconds and dropped down to zero after that. You know what happened next right?
How I found porn ( An experience to prove why porn is dangerous than Masturbation. Especially to those people who believe in the sentence " One peek wont hurt" )
I used M as a reward system whenever I complete academic stuff like HW, Good marks in exams etc. I stopped playing Pokemon because I thought M is better. M used to give me more happiness, and also does not consume time. I got my 10th board result. I got my AIR rank near to 1600 among 16 lakh students, received certificate from Mayor from our state and my name got published in the newspaper. Things are going favorable right?
I opted Bio- Maths for Class 11.The life of an introvert started to bore me. The M process is no more interesting now. As we become teenagers, we start to make attempt to attract our opposite gender right? From class 11 onwards, my primary goal was to make a girl get impressed by me. So an introverted life was not found as an attractive option for that. So I decided to become an extrovert. I started talking to men and women around me in a awkward manner because honestly I have no idea what i should talk as an extrovert. People started to treat me as clown, bullying me when needed, made me post pics in Instagram of me sitting in the closet.
The girls also started to treat me as if I am an awkward person. But I was late. I understood that I was treated like a clown on Class 12. All the drama that took place on Class 11 has reduced my academic performance. Tbh, I just passed the 11th standard. I was too late to understand the harsh reality of life. This may be nothing for people who had overcome several setbacks in life. Probably this was my first setback. I gone through minute depression like situation for 6 months. I started failing in exams. One of the student in my class understood my current situation and he gave me an advice.
" I know your current situation. Go watch some porn. You’ll get a lot of women there. "
After that I started enquiring about porn, its procedure to access it and so on. It was more like in a Cloud Nine situation when I first started watching porn. I will wait for the school to get over, take my personal laptop, turn on the internet, shut the doors and watches it. The M process became interesting again. I saw life in a virtual world.
The board exams for 12 starts within 1 week. I failed a lot of internal examinations in my school. Desperate to get motivation, I saw a Beer Biceps YouTube channel. The way he speaks, began to motivate me. I worked damn hard and managed to get 87 percentage for board exam.
How I came across No Fap
I became a constant viewer of Beerbiceps channel. In his channel , he promoted how no fap changed his life and so on. Currently I am in this challenge for 1.5 years. After a lot a failure, I told my parents all that happened from Class 11 to Class 12. After some drama, they took my phone so that I wont watch porn again. The laptop is under the supervision of my parents. But today I watched it without their notice due to strong urges…
This is the reason I decided to write a diary here. I will be expressing my each and every thought on daily basis.
Have a nice day.