Risinglion's journey to Monk mode [ 19 M ]

Diary
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“No matter how many times you fail. You are still ahead of the people who isn’t even trying”.

18 August 2021
4: 30 pm

Hi, I am risinglion123. I have been in this app about 1 year taking challenges ,encouraging people who relapsed and been active in everything that has been provided by the forum. To be straight without exaggeration, I have relapsed now. I used to research myself after every relapse and made attempts like blocking apps, workout, cold showers etc.

After all these desperate attempts, I was a consistent failure for last 7.5 years. I was addicted to porn about 2.5 years and masturbation for 7.5 years. Currently I am 19 years old studying in an Engineering College and pursues Electronics and Communication Engineering. Since I may be a new face to some of you, in this post I will be telling about my life in brief.

PMO AND MY FUCKED UP LIFE

I am typically an introvert who prefer spending time alone rather than spending time with my classmates. Why I am an introvert? Probably because my dad and mom are introverts. My dad used to say that he was an introvert in his childhood but he was forced to become an extrovert because of his job which involve a lot of communication skills. My mom used to be a nerd in studies and expect me to become like that.

That’s all about my family. Even though I used to be an introvert, I am really determined to succeed in life since childhood. My favorite sport I love to watch is Cricket. Whenever MS Dhoni or Virat Kohli make our country win during stressful situations, It gives me goosebumps and at the same time, a mad desire that people should look at me like a captain/ hero/ savior in my future because I never got a chance to shine in my life.

Since I am an introvert, I used to have a lot of hobbies since childhood. Some of my general interest were music, zodiac sign, pokemon , cricket and so on. I chose the name Risinglion123 because of my zodiac sign Leo, the zodiac sign that ideally contradicts my behavior. For those who have less idea about astrology, Leo is the zodiac sign that is considered confident, brave , dominant and the one who shines a lot, in brief which are the characteristics that I want.

Sorry, I love to story tell a lot, so without further due, lets get to our common topic.

How I found out the concept called masturbation

I was 12 years old. Studying in 7th Standard as a typical introvert reading books, daydreaming etc. There was a guy( I don’t want to reveal his name) who has a habit of massaging his d**k in public. I don’t blame him because he has a problem associated with his brain due to iron deficiency. Whenever he does such a process I make an attempt to move his hands out of that position. Whenever I does that, he begin to act aggressively making noises to stop me from stopping him. After 3- 4 minutes of this act, he become calm and composed and removed his hand from that area. This aroused my curiosity. That night, I followed the same procedure and waited for few minutes. I began to feel a particular sensation which reached its peak level about few seconds and dropped down to zero after that. You know what happened next right?

How I found porn ( An experience to prove why porn is dangerous than Masturbation. Especially to those people who believe in the sentence " One peek wont hurt" )

I used M as a reward system whenever I complete academic stuff like HW, Good marks in exams etc. I stopped playing Pokemon because I thought M is better. M used to give me more happiness, and also does not consume time. I got my 10th board result. I got my AIR rank near to 1600 among 16 lakh students, received certificate from Mayor from our state and my name got published in the newspaper. Things are going favorable right?

NO

I opted Bio- Maths for Class 11.The life of an introvert started to bore me. The M process is no more interesting now. As we become teenagers, we start to make attempt to attract our opposite gender right? From class 11 onwards, my primary goal was to make a girl get impressed by me. So an introverted life was not found as an attractive option for that. So I decided to become an extrovert. I started talking to men and women around me in a awkward manner because honestly I have no idea what i should talk as an extrovert. People started to treat me as clown, bullying me when needed, made me post pics in Instagram of me sitting in the closet.

The girls also started to treat me as if I am an awkward person. But I was late. I understood that I was treated like a clown on Class 12. All the drama that took place on Class 11 has reduced my academic performance. Tbh, I just passed the 11th standard. I was too late to understand the harsh reality of life. This may be nothing for people who had overcome several setbacks in life. Probably this was my first setback. I gone through minute depression like situation for 6 months. I started failing in exams. One of the student in my class understood my current situation and he gave me an advice.

" I know your current situation. Go watch some porn. You’ll get a lot of women there. "

After that I started enquiring about porn, its procedure to access it and so on. It was more like in a Cloud Nine situation when I first started watching porn. I will wait for the school to get over, take my personal laptop, turn on the internet, shut the doors and watches it. The M process became interesting again. I saw life in a virtual world.

The board exams for 12 starts within 1 week. I failed a lot of internal examinations in my school. Desperate to get motivation, I saw a Beer Biceps YouTube channel. The way he speaks, began to motivate me. I worked damn hard and managed to get 87 percentage for board exam.

How I came across No Fap

I became a constant viewer of Beerbiceps channel. In his channel , he promoted how no fap changed his life and so on. Currently I am in this challenge for 1.5 years. After a lot a failure, I told my parents all that happened from Class 11 to Class 12. After some drama, they took my phone so that I wont watch porn again. The laptop is under the supervision of my parents. But today I watched it without their notice due to strong urges…

This is the reason I decided to write a diary here. I will be expressing my each and every thought on daily basis.

Thank You

Have a nice day.

18 Likes
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Hi @anon87955785

I want to share what we have in common.

The story how you started to M is somewhat similar to mine. First you do it rarely until it gets into your life. Then you realized your thinking becoming different than usual. Full of negativity; that optimism towards the future started to fade away. You’re very lucky to stumble upon nofap at such tender age.

Seeing you write in such precise details, I believe you already know what to do. Having good grade in exam tells me that you have a good time management skill and you know what you want.

Here I look forward to your progress becoming high value man. Good luck and all the best.

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Thank you @Hyperion for the compliment. Really appreciated it :heart: :heart:

Thank you and wishing you the same.

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“The Master has failed more times than the beginner have ever tried”

19 August 2021
5:10 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my first day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. Yesterday, all my exams were over. My overall performance in exams were pathetic. I literally completed everything in 30 min in 1hr examination, Not because I know everything , but because of the fact that I don’t know majority of the questions asked for the exam.

The only source of motivation that I had was that 15 day streak. Also I had stopped exercising for about 2 weeks in order to focus more on exams. Honestly I worked really hard for the exams but the most of the question papers asked were not favorable compared to what I have learnt. I am really scared whether I fail in my Math’s exam or not. But the main reason that my performance was low is because I didn’t study my daily portions consistently. I was more prone to emotional mood swings and being an introvert also leads you to a lot of unwanted thoughts. And also mixed with no fap journey , my brain is literally flooded with lot of thoughts including the pretty face of some girls in our class, pictures of hot girls that I have watched on last porn video, Self doubt about my success , insecurities in the past and so on.

So due to the above reasons I was not able to study properly on daily basis. The worst situation is that those random thoughts didn’t disappear even on exam days and even worser than that is the situation that I watched porn 2 days before exam to be precise at Aug 14. I was at day 11 that time. The random useless thoughts, flatline and stress due to exams were really making me mad. I want some sort of happiness even it is meant to be temporary. Earlier my source of motivation was working out and No fap. But since I have stopped working out and currently experiencing no fap flatline, I was left with no hope but to watch sexualised pictures of women for 30 minutes pictures without M.

So on August 18 when all the exams are over, rather than being happy like a regular students does, I was feeling empty. It was Day 15. And since I watched porn without M on Day 11, my mind kept on telling me to fap as I have already lost the streak. I tried to resist those urges but eventually failed later. The I decided to start this dairy and moved on.

So there are no academic work now. The constant failure in No fap is making me underconfident. I literally finished writing my previous diary at 6 pm. After attending singing class at 7 pm without enthusiasm , I had dinner and decided to go to sleep.

But I wanted to start my workout routine that I have discarded 2 weeks before. So I decided to workout after dinner. I walked for 30 min reading Pratyogitha Darpan ( A magazine for current affairs) at the same time. I decided to workout at 9.00 pm. But when I was about to workout, I was stopped by my mother by telling me that I should not workout after dinner. I had a heated argument with my mom about 1.5 hours. I really dont want to go against my mom but I really want to workout. I know its not healthy to workout after dinner, but now it is my only source of motivation that keeps me alive every single day.

So I told my mom that I will not work out because I don’t want to make my mom unhappy. But after my mom slept, I did my workout routine without her knowledge with making minimum noise possible like sound of dumbbells put down in the floor when doing crunches using dumbbells, and reducing the noise of my physical exertion while I am doing burpees.

It was 11.30 pm. I finished my workout routine and decided to go to sleep. I thought I will be awake for this entire night because of the workout. But the opposite happened. My brain want to release all the pent up sleep due to the sleepless nights during those exam days. And it was evident too.

I woke up at 10.30 am. Then nothing much, I did my workout, walked 30 min, Read Pratyogitha Darpan, Practiced Classical Music, Watched a movie, Had a new haircut and completed one assignment that has been assigned to me today. So that’s all for today.

Thanks

Have a nice day

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" The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live"

20 August 2021
8:24 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my second day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. Today something special happened to me today. I had a conversation about no PMO with my cousin brother. Before I jump into that, I am going to say everything in chronological order.

Yesterday, after writing this previous diary, I completed my Electrical assignment that was assigned to me. There were 2 assignment records I am supposed to submit. I was able to complete one assignment with ease but the second assignment was really tough to complete. It was 12.45 am that time. I am physically tired, and my cravings to watch porn was really high. But at the same time, It was a necessity that I should complete my assigned record at the same time. I was getting literally mad. I don’t want to relapse anyway as I believe it would disappoint not only the readers of this diary but also my decision of writing this diary will end up in vain. Desperate and determined, I got up the chair, brushed my teeth , listened some music, Read @The_integrous_one diary in this app and decided to proceed the work. Thankfully, the urges are gone and now I am motivated to proceed the work. My assignment was completed at 2.30 am and gone to sleep with 100% satisfaction.

I woke up at 8 am the next day, got back to my regular routine like working out etc. After working out, some guests entered my house without our knowledge. I didn’t even bathed to even treat them properly. I ran to my room , bathed in a fastest possible manner and within 10 min, I was ready. The guests were my cousin sister, her husband and my cousin brother. I had a deep conversation with my cousin brother privately in such a way that we even started to talk about No Pmo. But unfortunately , the topic didn’t came favourable from my side. He said that it is really okay to P and M by telling that it men are born for such things. The sad thing is that he even know what No fap is but doesn’t believe in those things. He started to talk fantasizing porn stuff to me. I pretended as if I am interested in the conversation but deep inside I am really hurt that my brother is not ready to understand me. He even teased me for being part in a No fap journey saying it is useless and bullshit.

After the departure of those people, again a new guest arrived. My grandfather and my uncle. Again I had a deep conversation with my uncle ( Non explicit content) like a planning for terrace gardening in my house. I don’t grow any plants in my terrace.

So to those who are reading this especially for those who have a terrace garden in your house, Could anyone here please give me any tips like how to terrace garden in an efficient manner? Like how to provide proper shelter to plants, which plants can be used for terrace farming in a tropical climate etc. Those who can provide the answers to my questions will be greatly appreciated.

My grandfather decided to stay in my house for a couple of weeks. My uncle went to his hometown at 4 pm. I am literally exhausted after the arrival of 2 guests. I slept for a couple of hours, prayed , read Bhagavat Geetha and Pratyogitha Darpan. Practiced Classical music. Hopefully my grandpa is a morning person unlike me. Its been a mad desire for me to wake up early in the morning for past couple of months. He is sleeping with me. I have told him to wake me up at 5 am. Hope that I can wake up in the prescribed time.

Thank you

Have a nice day

2 Likes
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Most people in their old age are morning person. As you age your sleep time automatically shifts to early sleeping and early rising.

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Yeah, that’s why I want him to wake me up :joy:. Thank you for engaging in my diary :heart: :heart:

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" Success is moving from one failure to another without any loss of enthusiasm"

21 August 2021
9:00 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my third day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. After my previous diary I decided to go to sleep. Hopefully, my grandpa was successful in waking me up at 5 am. Before I workout, I decided to walk in the terrace for 30 min. Mahn, I don’t know why I am feeling a sense of aura wafting though the area. I am not exaggerating, maybe I used to be night owl for couple of years which prevented me to have such a different experience. I shed few tears for a moment without any reason.

After my 30 min walk, I went to my regular routine like working out, read Pratyogitha Darpan and practised classical music. It was Onam today. For those who have no idea what Onam is , Onam is a festival celebrated by India because of the arrival of Asura ( The one who live in underworld / hell ) by the name called Mahabali. Unlike other Asuras, Mahabali used to be generous, kind - hearted person who is always ready to lend a helping hand for the poor. The devas ( The one who lived in heaven / angels ) feared the strength of Mahabali as he is getting stronger day by day. Due to the above reason , the supreme God Vishnu incarnated to a boy by a name called Vamana whose ultimate aim is to suppress the power of Mahabali.

Vamana appeared before Mahabali and asked for help. Being a generous person, he didn’t ignore the request of Vamana. The Vamana told Mahabali that he want all the land which lays the footprint of him when he walk the first 3 steps. Mahabali agreed to his request. Hearing, this Vamana became 100000 times the initial size in such a way that a single foot covered entire sea and his second foot covered the entire land. There is no more space in earth to set his 3rd foot. Desperate, Mahabali told Vamana to lay his third foot in his head. When Vamana set foot on the head of Mahabali he was transported to hell throughout his entire lifetime. But Vishnu is really pleased by the kind hearted behavior of Mahabali that he decided to allow Mahabali to enter earth on the Day called Onam.

So that’s the story. After the sadya( A traditional food for Onam), I was really lethargic and slept for few hours. Then after dinner I am currently writing this diary. Also I deleted the RC app because it is too addictive and take a lot of phone usage. Now I am accessing the forum by laptop through Google.

So that’s all.

Thank you

Have a nice day

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" There comes a time where one takes a decision that is neither safe, neither politic nor popular but he has to take it because his conscience tells him it is right"

22 August 2021
9:15 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my fourth day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. After my previous diary I decided to go to sleep. Hopefully, my grandpa was successful in waking me up at 5 am. Then like my previous day, I decided to walk. But I started to feel really hungry after walking. Since I was a night owl for past 2 years , I never experienced such a situation , as the breakfast is already ready from the moment I wake up. So in order to satisfy my hunger, I started to eat fried junk foods like french fries, chips etc. This is not a healthy option from my part as I am a kind of person who gains weight quickly.

Tbh, this day was really unproductive. I was not used to waking up at 5 am due to which I was lethargic for an entire day. I slept about 4 hours during midday in order to satisfy my sleep. I know that this lifestyle that I have followed now will lead to an unproductive day making the habit of waking up early useless. So I am ready to take some decision

  1. Eat peeled and soaked almonds as a substitute for fried items like chips etc.

  2. Make a habit of not sleeping during middays.

I wish to add these decisions as a monthly goal in @PowerfulNFPWarrior challenge. But at the end of the day, action is what really matters. Hope these decisions will give me a productive day.

Thank you

Have a nice day .

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" Life is such a great teacher that if you don’t learn a lesson, it will repeat it"

23 August 2021
5:20 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my fifth day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. But unfortunately, this day was a replica of the previous day except the fact that I ate soaked and peeled almonds instead of junk foods.

The day becomes really drowsy and lethargic as I take the decision of waking up early in such a way that sleeping during middays becomes inevitable. But at the same time, it is my deepest desire of becoming a early bird as it sets a strong base for good habits thus making me more disciplined.

Anyway, learning from mistakes is what really matters rather than waiting for a day where stars line up. I am more prone to sleep after walking in terrace because my next routine is workout. A thought like " Oh man, a hectic workout coming next " is demotivating me making me prone to sleep during waking hours.

So I decided to change the plan. I will do the hardest thing first in the morning ie working out which I believe would provide me a sense of motivation to execute my other plans as that " hectic thing" is finished.

Hope that this plan works well.

Thank you

Have a nice day

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" The Warrior is not the one who never cry. The Warrior is the one who sheds tears for a moment and then pick up the sword and fight again"

24 August 2021
5:50 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my sixth day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. This day was an important day of my life. Today, things happened that was not supposed to happen. No, I have not relapsed, I am still hanging in. I am going to say everything in a chronological order.

After my last diary, I was really ashamed of myself for not being able to study properly for past 2 days. So I decided to study that night. But unfortunately, I am not able to focus on my studies. I think I am facing some sort of No Fap flatline now. Overthinking, Daydreaming and intense anger has been common these days. I have completed my academic work at 12: 15 am. In my previous diaries, I have mentioned that it was an intense desire to become an early bird from the rest of my life. My grandpa is staying with me for couple of days. These days are really important. Because he is the only one in the planet who can wake me up at 5 am. So I have to make a habit of waking up early before he departs to his hometown.

Since it is 12.15 am now, there is very less probability that I will wake up at 5am. My urges are really bad, my parents not around, flatline which lead me to a decision that I should not have taken. But there are times where God gives you a second chance. The moment , I was about to click the first video, I got a phone call from one of the neighbors from my native place. A tragic situation happened there. I stopped the video and decided to go there. Our family had a sleepless night yesterday. I never like to tell such an experience to the readers as it is personal and at the same time I know only prayers can only help to get out of the situation. So to be honest, I really need your prayers.

I reached home at 10 am the next day with a lot of pent up sleep. I ate breakfast and decided to release my pent up sleep. I was not in a mood to neither study nor workout as that tragic situation was so intense that its demotivating me as a whole. My parents went outside and I am alone at home. The only source of happiness now is relapse even though its temporary. My mind was manipulating me with intense urges and hangover of the past incident. I want to get over this now.

So I started a general discussion in this app in order to get over this urges. Hopefully, 2 people came up and I was able to beat this urge at last. Thank you @prothekter_aden for the Tedx video and @Ishant16 for motivating me to start meditation that I have discarded months ago. After this diary, I am planning to do my regular routine like work out, reading etc. And if get enough time I am also planning to continue my studies. My grandpa went to his hometown. Now I have to depend upon myself to wake up early. Hope that I will to able to accomplish that

Thank you

Have a nice day

5 Likes
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More power to u champ💝

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Thank you brother @Ishant16

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" Greatness can never be achieved by satisfying your genitals or going after women"

25 August 2021
6:30 pm

With the blessings of God, I have completed my 7th day of No fap. Today I am going to write all that happened from yesterday to the current situation. Scientifically this is the day where the testosterone count of a man shoots to 145.7% due to ejaculation abstinence for a week. I don’t know whether I will be able to overcome those urges. But for sure, I will give my best shot. About 80% of my relapses occur these days. I should be alert and mindful due to the above reasons.

The situations of today was way better than yesterday. Everything was favorable except the fact that I failed to wake up at 5am. Since, my grandpa was not present, I have to depend on myself when it comes to waking up early. I heard that 24 degree Celsius is the optimum temperature for a good quality sleep. So I slept using AC. I heard the alarm at 5 am but it was so cold that I don’t feel like waking up. But despite that everything was favorable.

Woke at 8 am, studied for 4 hours, did regular routine and watched Malayalam movie " #Home" with family. The movie was inspiring and really appreciate the fact that they focused smallest of things in a deepest possible manner. So that’s all for today

Today I will be sleeping without AC. I hope that I will wake up early tomorrow.

Thank you

Have a nice day

15

Relapsed. I will never lose hope. I may be imperfect. But at least, I am myself. Will fight again. Nothing to add other than that.

16

Same here bro. Not able to go beyond 4-5 days… But we will fight…

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I am going to leave this forum. Bye everyone

I will keep on fighting
#No Fap Forever

18

I am going to start this diary again. I will ignore PMO in such a way that it will doubt it’s own existence

19

I will be updating my diary from tomorrow onwards

20

Damn, i was catching up with your stories after you completed your first day. Keep going @anon87955785. After 9 days offline i need to read tonnes of diaries to catch up with you guys.

1 Like