I don’t remember exactly when my addiction began but I was definitely around 11-12 years old. I’d somehow come across this sketchy looking website that had pretty suggestive pictures of women.
Fast forwarding a bit to my mid teenage years my addiction had reached it’s peak (however at this point I wasn’t aware it was an addiction). I would usually PMO 2-3 times a day at this point and would feel utterly disgusted and guilty immediately after, however I made little to no attempt to stop because I thought it was “healthy and normal” because that is what society had taught me.
When I was about 17 years old (about a year after I got my first job), things started getting alot worse than I thought they ever would. Again I don’t remember how but i somehow discovered this “dating website” and let’s just say the females on it weren’t looking for a relationship. Anyway the website offered free membership for a certain time and I was instantly hooked sexting to these women (yeah I know I’m a loser), and it made me feel hugely better than compared to when I was using porn. You’ve probably already guessed it but when the free membership period ended the damage had already been well and truly done and I was constantly spending money on this website (which wasn’t cheap) because I just couldn’t help myself. So not only did I have an addiction but it was also now putting my financial wellbeing in jeopardy.
Now fast forwarding to the 19/02/2019 I was still hooked. I made various attempts now again to stop with little to no effect, and the fact that I don’t have any control over my urges is slowly making me lose the will to live.
The ways in which I have tried to stop was to block myself in every way I could think of from these websites (including getting my parents to set a restriction on my phone, however I made sure they didn’t know they were actually doing and what they were doing it for). However obviously none of this worked as I was always able to work my way around it or reverse it (a major disadvantage of knowing way too much about technology). After doing a tonne of research after my last “solo mission” I’ve become convinced that the solution isn’t to restrict myself but to control myself which is why I’ve started Nofap. I wasn’t completely aware originally that I had a masturbation addiction but now that I know I know what I need to do, and that is Nofap.
I think it’s useful to know what kind of life I’ve been living during these years, due to the fact many people have claimed that during Nofap they’ve had alot more of an inclination to improve their life.
So during the time I’ve had this addiction so far my life has been less than satisfactory. Ive never had many things I’ve liked doing but over the years one by one they all became less and less enjoyable to me and I ended up dropping them completely. During this time I’ve only picked up one new activity which is powerlifting/bodybuilding which I’m happy to say is something I will never give up as it makes me feel good.
My education is a similar story, I would lose interest and the motivation to do any work very quickly despite doing excellently and would always drop out about 2/3rds of the way through.
My social life is in very bad shape. During my early to mid teens I had a lot friends (probably too many) but since then my social life has become non existent. My oldest and best friend has slowly disappeared from my life because even though I valued him as a friend I just couldn’t find any sort of drive to make an effort (its pretty much the same story for almost every friend I’ve ever had).
Now for relationships. I’ve NEVER had a relationship with anyone in any shape or form. I’m not entirely sure why but I’ve also never particularly wanted one, purely because of the amount of effort it takes and partly due to how petty I hear alot of people are in relationships. Oh and also because Im not sure how I would tell a potential partner I’m a virgin at 21 years old…
My self care - my self care isn’t awful but its definitely not great either. I have a shower 1-2 time a day and I’m pretty hygienic. My skin however is pretty awful on my shoulders, chest and back and despite being majorly self conscious about it i have made zero effort to try and improve it. My facial hair makes me look homeless because it hadn’t been trimmed in so long and again it’s because of laziness.
I’m aware that all of this needs to be improved and that Nofap isn’t going to magically change all this. I’m just hoping that Nofap will give me some sort of encouragement or drive to fix more parts of my life than just healing from my addiction.
If you’ve actually read this far then thank you