I think itâs too late I relapsed (what really happened is that I had a bad urge and I went to download a couple of videos, and just by the preview I became so aroused that I came without touching myself) and after going to sleep I had a few bad signs in my dreams, and I dreamed that I shaved my head. Like I told you Iâm not super religious but that doesnât mean that I donât fear the wrath of god at all. Anyway some part of me knew that 2 months was impossible to do, I remember just before ramadan I told to myself this is silly I have to watch just a little bit just to avoid any mistake during ramadan, like I knew I couldnât make it.
I am sorry sister, but take the good from this, and move forward.
You went for more than 50days clean, be proud of yourself, mistakes happen and you mustnât stay behind looking on that mistake, rather turn around pick yourself up and move forward.
You know how unpredictable this relapses happen, itâs the same with me, so we must always be on high alert, I know itâs easy to say and difficult to implement, while I am telling you this, there is no guarantee that I will not relapse but that doesnât mean I shouldnât put the effort to the best of my limits.
Learn from a relapse so that the next time you relapse, it shouldnât be with the same mistake.
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You are human, and you will one day feel the existence of Allah one way or the other, he is our creator after all, it is only fair if we worshipped him as it is our sole purpose of being created, it has nothing to do with being super religious.
Only Allah knows who is the best among us.
Allah says,
[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed - and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving -
This addiction is nothing more than a test, and we MUST CLEAR THIS TEST AND WE WILL.
At least I was able to make it to 54 days which is insane. I think that I should never have deleted that file because now that I found a way to getting it back I stopped obsessing over it, ramdan is seriously draining all my energy, at first it was cool but Iâm not able to do anything, I canât read I canât paint or draw during the day so I had plenty of hour to think about other stuff, like porn thatâs why I had soooo many flashbacks. It really bothers me the fact that I have soooo much trouble being productive and this is exactly what helped me before to stop masturbating for 35 days straight, which again something that have I never being able to. I draw and paint on the kitchen table because there no light in my room and no space, and during ramadan I just canât because the table is always filed with something
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Donât think like that, you know when you donât have those videos, then it will be some other reason.
You know I had installed a blocker, since I have fast internet, so whenever I have to bypass the blocker I have to type, âI donât have self controlâ, but I would swallow my pride and type that shit and disable the blocker, there were some other blockers but there too I managed to find a way to uninstall and trick the apps features watch p*. WHO ARE WE FOOLING? WE ARE KEEPING THE THING THAT DESTROYS US, AND ARE ENSLAVED TO THAT VERY THING
DESPITE KNOWING THAT ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS REMOVE IT FROM OURSELVES AND IT CANâT DO ANYTHING TO US.
FIRST YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING THAT IF YOU DONâT HAVE THOSE VIDEOS, THEN YOUR LIFE WILL BE HORRIBLE
Anyways these types of mindsets arent gonna stop us from doing pmo.
We must think that we can control ourselves, even though it is difficult at first and many relapses may happen but still you shouldnât change that mindset.
You know this Ramadan I thought I will be free since we have to fast, but I found myself relapsing after the maghtib time, it was just the belief mlin my mind that told me that try to abstain only during day time.
That false belief allowed me to have my fast valid and relapse at evening.
I seriously couldnât figure out the cause and I am still strying to get my head wrapped around it.
But many of them here helped in changing my perspective and the misunderstanding that it is not just during day time that I should abstain from this but the whole month.
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT SLOW AND EASY, STEP BY STEP.
THIS ADDICTION IS A PUZZLE, YOU JUST NEED TO PUT THE NUMBERS IN THE RIGHT ORDER AND YOU ARE FREE
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Donât worry these situations will be coming and going but donât loose hope, keep fighting.
May Allah help you in succeeding through the efforts that you put.
Always believe in Allah.
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@luluane No you can of course you can , still engage and try to focus for your relapse not saying you canât because you reached 54 days girl âŠ
You did ⊠no one do it to you like a favor âŠnoooo itâs absolutly you did by focus on sometimes (painting and your decions of deleting videos ) and sometimes our weakness learn something we canât known if we wonât lose ⊠but please please stop feel down start paint something about your feeling what ever what it is ⊠but I hope something give you hope make you move up .
Donât stop expressing and sharing here please .
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Thank you for your encouraging words. Well now that I relapsed I donât have those bad urges anymore and ramadan is coming to an end very soon, it sure helped me reach 54 days but it became not longer enough. I have to get back to a normal life and paint and draw more frequently.
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The fight is not over trust me. I remember the day after I relapsed I was talking to my mom and I started asking her completely incoherent questions without noticing and my mom started looking at me like what the hell are you talking about and I was really embarrassed, I embarrassed my self soooo many times while talking to people because Iâve seen soooo many porn the day before. Just because I donât have a penis itâs my brain thatâs getting damaged the most from this, and I donât want to experience that ever again
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Exactly @luluane you will be the fantastic one and unbelievable ⊠I will be so glade to be beside each other always âŠ
My sharing code if donât mind : lmbhdu
Always remember that the most difficult moments are born to the birth of a life that we are deserve
3rd day. I swear the days last forever when you relapse, I want my super high streak again itâs soooo annoying. Also Iâam officially tired of ramadan and the covid, wish they could desapear, so I could be more productive and not be afraid to go outside
Here is what Im doing,
The source of this method is from jordan Peterson ( clinical psychologist/psychiatrist)
Write two stories
-
describing the scenario of how you what your life to be like in a particular timeframe ( after you have quit pmo for ever )
-
Now describe how your life will be if you keep continuing down this path of pmo
It helps if you write them down but make sure it secure with you
Read the stories when ever urgers get too strong
Always remember, the goal is not to quit anything or run from anything. The goal is to make your life better and for that to improve we find the underlying causes of our addictions/problems and figure where in your life you can have small improvements and what needs to be reduced.
Once you know where you need to improve you can start taking baby steps by setting small achievable goals.
One technique to deal with urges and to speed up recovery is to shut down any stimulating images/thoughts/flashbacks/fantasy before you let them manifest completely
I just donât let them hang around and immediately bombard my self with something like a song Or a video or some work or anything to do even if itâs boring. (Frustation/depression everything will try to stop you)
Convince your self to do boring shit and try to take little joy after competition of any task.
I spend most of my free time educating my self about the human psychology by listening to lectures from various professors/educators ( at least make some good used of technology).
It particular helps learning about the brain since most of the problems are up there and you can see your self as third perspective observer instead of just looking down upon your slef as if you are stuck.
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I mean I get that I donât know if you read everything that I wrote but the thing that helped me the most is art and spending hours doing that (I donât have a job currently) right now I canât do during the day (because of ramadan) so I have quit a lot of spare time, spare time where I used to have many too many flashbacks so Iâm going to resist until I can get back to my normal life
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I understand that doing the things you love to spend time on is difficult.
That is why I said we need to do task which are boring or might not result in immediate reward.
Your brain produces dopamine when it wantâs you to repeat certain actions like ( eating food, get high/drunk, sex, etc)
And once u are done with the action your brain release chemicals like serotonin , oxytocin , vasopressin.
These are the chemicals which actually give the feeling of pleasure.
That means every time u have an urger, your brain is releasing dopamine(getting u exited for things that might lead in releasing of serotonin , oxytocin , vasopressin)
Here is the trick,
We need to train the brain from releasing excessive dopamine by flashing images from memory and balance the chemicals by re learning that fapping isnât real successâŠ
Truth is that real success takes time and offten the things you need to do to get there are mostly boring and donât release dopamine.
But by doing these tasks you are actually forcing your brain to re learn the meaning of success and donât fall of the trap of fap.
Please if you are confused I insist everyone please watch this video. This is what openned my eyes to the Vulnerable brain
Let me know if you want more info
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Listen drawing and painting in not only enjoyable during the process but also when youâre done with your piece, you feel like youâve been productive and didnât waste your time
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Yes yes 
exactly you feel like itâs something precious than a diamond 
something fresh and good deep inside .
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Day 5: peasant. Not the most pleasant adjective but what can I say I deserve it. Does any of you avoid pmo when youâre about to get a test result in college or youâre hoping to get a job or passing the entry exam for a college abroad? Because I used to do that in college so God wonât be mad at me and I could get good grades if I wasnât sure about my results.
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yea I would, at that time I didnât have clue that I was addicted but knew it was a sin and at that time i used to make sure not to miss any prayers as well.
See, this is us humans, when we need something, only then we turn to our Lord and he still answers our prayers despite we being ignorants at other times.
May Allah forgive us all. 
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Yes exactly may allah forgive us and I hope we can get rid of this addiction
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