I relapsed 12hours ago. This is my new start. Actually I decided to write diary long time ago, yet havent started till now. Im grateful to meet this forum, it gives me a good start to record my journey in words. Anyway, it’s a long way to go. Good luck to me and also whoever have the intention to quit porn. Cheers!
Tired of work, so bored of life…
I had urges fortunately not tht strong…
I listened to some music, suddenly a sad song (autoplayed at youtube) made me cried like hell, my chest was painful… The good thing is after crying without reason, I feel way more better, maybe it is some kind of negative emotion hidden somewhere in my body comes out, thanks god… I wish tomorrow will be a good day
Heavy raining outside.
Cant dry the clothes, but the house is cool inside, nice tempetature to work from home haha.
Feel few urges while working, still managable, maybe because of busy working.
But the thing is i feel worried for the whole Day (morning after waking up till now), will any thing bad happen? Cos i just relapsed 2 days ago, usually luck will become incredibly bad after every relapse. My heart hanged for so many hours, now only relieve from sigh. My worry was unnecesary because nothing special happened. I scared myself, I have serious trauma of relapsing.
Currently, I still feel that quit porn addiction is so difficult. People with more advanced no fap skill can totally live their life without realizing they are in the no fap stage. I wish i could be like them.
My productivity of working is so low today, damn low. If I hv not relapse, it could be higher, i could do more thing. I Cant keep looking back to the past, shittt
Weekend is around the corner. The period which is easiet to relapse is coming soon.
I have urges just now. When i realized that, I immediately come here to shift my brain attention. It works (sighed relief).
Im so nervous, I dont want to relapse again, I feel tht urges are surrounding me from time to time. I know, keep on worrying is no use at all. But the trauma is there, I cannot ignore it.
The good thing is when i was writting my diary here, I suddenly feel tht the urges are fake, maybe they din exist, is me who ampliflied them. I wish i could live like normal person instead of winding into sexual addiction. I wish i had never been masturbate. But time cannot come back anymore.
Today fried rice got prawn and 5 pieces of minced meat, so sad, I wish i can go eat clean and healthy vegan food.
Next tuesday will have lunch with colleagues so happy, i shud wear nice clothes, its time to wear new clothes haha
Today urges was way more stronger since the last relapse, I almost surrendered… Even when working the initimate scenes tht had been watched before kept arising in my head. My energy might not be sufficient to feat the devil mind. I woke up early to go for work, recent workload is so heavy, I need to finish them within the time line. This made me feel stressful all the day, at the same time worrying about the urges, Im so tired for all those days. Im afraid tht i will repeat the same mistake (i Cant help to watch video for hours whenever wanna release stress…)
Anyway wish me good luck!
Why… I Cant control myself to watch p for 3 hours. Im so regretted! The more i want to resist this habit, the stronger the habit becomes.
So here it goes… Day 0 again
I read an article about no fap, it said one of the reason you relapse includes feeling itchy at the senstive part, and feelimg of craving for p video even though only slightly of them, the devil inside you flashed out previous scenes you had been watched before in your mind, eventually triggered your sexual desire…
The bad thing is my worrying came true. I always worried tht i will relapse again. So i force myself to be careful… When it came to midnight 1200 my willpower become so weak and tht made me blinded by the fake happiness of p addiction. This has proven that your heart or mind is your determines your quality of life. I installed a p filter apps, it does not work sometime… The most important thing is how i deal with the urges.
Im back on no fap journey again.
And tmrw will be the first day of November!
Its No Nut November! I want to be stronger to defeat the demon.
Yesterday i was damn tired after coming back from client office, lack of sleep and rest made me felt impatient to everything, dun wan to give a f*** to any thing else, I even yelled when my brother and mother asked me to do something, my energy was too low to move or think anymore. I was regretted but the harm already transferred.
Anyway, I hope i can go clean for this month. 30 days maybe too long for me, I think its better to go slowly at the beginning, starting with a 10days goal seems to be nice. Of course, this doesnt mean i can relapse at the 10th or 11th day.
I hv urges while i was between sleep and wake. I tried to escape by waking up. Sfater struggling for few rounds, I finally make it.
Strong urges kicked in again. Fortunately, I hv some house chores to shift my attention from it.
I hv strong urges while Im asleep… I feel like Im edging although din masturbate. I din feel any pleasure, just watching myself and another people making out. After awaken, I searched what does the dream illustrate. It said i hv urges deepdown. Will i relapse again? I hope not. Dont bring me to this kind of dream again, please.
Strong urges again while falling asleep. How can i get rid of it? Its so annoying.
Sleeping late is making body energy low, low energy means weak defense against the urges. Arh, sleeping early is so difficult for me.
Urges kicked in many times, although i repressed it or bear it, it will kick in again. Im already tired of it.
Today, I only know tht wet dream usually occurs once a fortnight (at least this is happening on myself).
Tmrw, I hv 3 project deadline, wish me good luck to pass them all!
Im glad tht i hv came this far…
Woke up late today morning
But today is a holiday, yay
I hope tht my brain fog can recover at least a bit… I really want to do my job good…