Hello all, I hope you are all doing well in your battle against PMO. I just wanted to share some of feelings that I felt lately.
First of all, I am thankful for Allah and this community that help me to overcome the continuous battle I am facing everyday against urges. 102 day is a lot and I hope I can continue.
However, sometimes it saddens me that I still have a long way to build a family. I live in a 3rd world country where it’s hard for young youth to become independent financially from their family which is a huge issue for me.
To put things into prespective , I am a 24 year old man and this is my first year practicing medicine. I try to focus more on my education to become a competent doctor and to earn the respect of my patients and collagues. In addition, I try my best to work on myself phyisically and spirtually to become a better muslim and human being. I am thankful for being a doctor which was my goal from the 4th grade.
However, today I caught myself wanting to edge. It’s a continuous battle that I undergo everyday but today I was going to fail. I know that those urges , for me atleast, arise to fill the void of not having an intemiate relationship with someone. The problem is, I can’t start a relationship right now. In my country , doctors are extremely underpaid , and if you want to have a relationship the right relgious way ( building a family ), you are expected to have an apartment or many other things.
Even though , thanks to allah’s grace , I am respected among my colleagues for my hard work as a young physician , it is still not enough.
It still bothers me to this day when I approached one of my female friends ,few months ago, whose family rejected me based on financial reasons - which is a totally valid reason and that’s their right.
However, the rejection was in a way that made me feel like I am a spare guy : " you are a good person that I truly respect and I believe you have a great future. but you are not ready yet financially to start a family . I will not wait for you , but once you are ready you can come to ask for my hand ".
I truly respected her for her response , which is also her family’s, but I would have prefered a flat out no . The response made me feel as if I became a spare guy who once is ready financially , he can marry a girl if she hasn’t got married yet. However, I don’t blame her or her family . They are good people.
But now I feel like I don’t want , for the time being at least , to approach or get approached by anyone. I don’t want to re-live the embarrassment. That’s why I will focus to become the best version of myself. I hope I won’t be put in this kind of situations again when the time comes for another try - whether with this girl or someone else.
Sorry for the long post, but this is something I didn’t tell my family about, except my younger brother , to avoid making them sad. So I just needed an outlet to get ride of what was left of the negative emotions which were born of that situation.
If you read to the very end, I would like to thank you for being considerate. 
