Rebooter's Battle for Life & Freedom

Journal
1

DAY ONE
One day after a fail that finished yesterday morning.
Not following a strict journalling format YET probably will ramble horribly but no doubt will prove mildly interesting to readers and be of benefit to me
I plan to journal EVERY SINGLE DAY on here

Day before Yesterday (Mon 6th Jan 2025)
I setup accountability software in a desperate bid to STOP my out of control BINGING on P0rn!!
I tested the software’s capabilities knowing that this was risky and it led to ■■■■ binging session
Then yesterday I rejoined the PA zoom and felt greatly helped by joining the zoom again having not been a part of it for awhile
I went along to Christian group in eve and this helped strengthen my resolve although I didn’t share at the group, only with one friend who struggles with multiple, multiple issues himself
I MUST HAVE BEEN FEELING PRETTY SHIT to have failed, BINGED for THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW!!!
Crikey even this eve I started to think about visiting a favourite (softcore) website that is ALWAYS the gateway to harder content and a favourite hardcore website.
I think going from soft to hard content justifies the action to me somehow, that I’m not looking at anything too deviant, that I could stop at soft, it lessens the fear of getting caught until I ease into a full ■■■■ session by which time I am literally GLUED to the pc, staring at the screen until my eyes almost pop out of my head, feeverishly pleasuring myself for hours and hours until I eventually climax and regain sanity, tunnel vision over, mood altering drug fully “enjoyed”

So as stated I must have been feeling low and wanting to escape, I really was wanting to avoid looking for jobs because of my health issues and finding it very very very challenging right now. Serves as the perfect excuse to Bliss out and Nuke my discomfort and frustration.
Pmo only leads to MORE FRUSTRATION ARGHHHH

Yeah you’ve been there haven’t you

Ok so I’m on Day one (or two depending how it’s counted) for simplicity’s sake it’s Day one FFS

Day One!
Ok Reforge Codex as per Mark Queppet Reforged man programme
Anchor Vision

I am quitting p0rn because:

Shame, guilt, destroys motivation, time waste, energy waste, life waste, sadness, frustration, achieves nothing

I want to have a relationship with a real woman and pmo is preventing me from having what I want the MOST!

I also want to find work I can do - i really hope that is possible
Tendonitis is bloody awful right now, bloody awful

I want so much out of life but pmo has wrecked and is wrecking so much

Yes I know it’s a symptom of a deeper issue but I’m tackling what I can right now
So Thank God for the PA zoom, going to attend 2 meetings a week min, so tomorrow at 5pm (if you’re interested send me a msg and I’ll give you the details, it’s based on the US they meet at 12pm EST which is 5pm GMT honestly you won’t regret joining me and you can just listen, camera off, microphone off)

I will start journalling again using Metascript method so that’s very intentional, specific journalling not rambling as I’m doing here so I’ll do both ramble and journal specifically maybe 2 entries maybe one person day

I will use clearing actions when I get tempted
I will message friend

UYAP
Signing out

@forerunner

3 Likes
2

DAY THREE
Anchor Vision

I choose to quit p0rn because it is destroying my concentration and ability to perform difficult tasks, it is hindering if not destroying my ability to progress in my life

I want to get unstuck in my life and that will likely be simply Impossible as a ■■■■ addict

I choose to quit p0rn because it’s causing so much shame, guilt, and worsened OCD
I’ll find it very difficult to make progress with the ocd as a ■■■■ addict/regular ■■■■ watcher

I would like to have an actual real relationship with a real woman, again difficult if not very difficult for me to attain as a ■■■■ user given my Christian convictions and relationship OCD I simply cannot afford to have ■■■■ use in the mix aggravating my issues
(It’s possible others won’t be as hindered by this but given my issues, ■■■■ use and having a relationship as well just seems too difficult, I already have a split mind on many issues)

I want to be confident I don’t know that I can be consistently and truly confident as a regular user

I want to find work I can do again just much harder to do as a ■■■■ user

So while some of the above could be theoretically achieved as a ■■■■ user, I haven’t achieved what I’ve wanted to do not in my experience and given my issues it has been bloody years of being extra stuck in my life since 2020 so i simply just bloody cannot afford to use ■■■■ and remain as bloody stuck and bloody frustrated.as I have been.

I need to be ■■■■ free in order to make progress and overcome my issues one by one that seems clear

On a long streak I’ve noticed changes start ti happen and motivation increases and the ability to concentrate improves

Preemptive
If I am bloody tempted tonight I will just shut the pc down

Tomorrow if I’m tempted I will message a friend on here: I have his WhatsApp details
I will keep busy
I will review anchor vision
I will go out for a walk
I will pray - I have set prayers and stronghold busters
I will read specific scriptures
I will stay away from all sources of temptation

UYAP
Another day of victory

2 Likes
3

DAY FOUR
Four days clean from pmo, it’s a start.
Important I stay vigilant and stick to my disciplines.

Anchor Vision
I am quitting ■■■■ because it’s very negative for me, it solves nothing, causes a lot of problems and is stopping me from living my life and having the life I want.
I always regret a pmo session.
I want a partner that is why I am quitting pmo
I want to fulfil my calling as a Christian that is why I am quitting ■■■■ use
I want to live motivated, positively, focused
I want good relationships
I want to be calm not on edge and irritable because of dopamine surges and dips as a result of ■■■■ binging
I want to confident and unashamed
I want to overcome my emotional, psychological issues
I want a good close relationship with God and not sabotage that by acting like a damned degenerate

I do not want to be a ■■■■ addict as a 50 year old, I need this out of my life immediately ASAP
Overcoming this horrible addiction will be the making of me

OCD was slightly reduced today and time keeping improved recently because I didn’t have the guilt and fear of exposure due to a recent p0rn session the night before
Any progress is good

Thank God for his help and all progress

Preemptive
If I am tempted later on this eve I will be quick to shut the pc down and do something else like go for a night walk and listen to a podcast
I will immediately click away from all tempting online material such as ADs anything like that, that is a problem or trigger for me again shutting DOWN the pc if necessary!
I will message a friend if tempted
I will not allow ■■■■ use to stop me from going to church tomorrow!
I absolutely will NOT be watching ■■■■ this eve or tonight

I need to build and maintain momentum
Bible reading Done
Walk Done
Socialising. later on
This entry Done

UYAP

3 Likes
4

DAY FIVE
Five days clean, my mind is working better although I have noticed I am feeling dysregulated of late. This is probably due to the dopamine drip, deluge and drain cycle that Dr Trish talks about (her content on YouTube I recommend it: ■■■■ brain rewire)
So my brain is wanting to self regulate with ■■■■ use and that’s why we get those huge urges that seem to come out of nowhere.

So I feel wired today but I’m really glad I’m.clean and that I got to church today and I actually haven’t had urges but the point is I definitely will be getting strong urges and being aware of this is important and feeling wired today is due to a dysregulated mind.

AV
I’m quitting pmo because
I want to get unstuck in my life, ■■■■ use has never helped me, it’s stopping me find work I want to do, it’s making me depressed, it’s wasting my time, in fact it makes me feel awful, ashamed, angry, frustrated, edgy, desperate and it’s corrupting let’s be honest my mind is in the gutter sometimes because of ■■■■ use.
I don’t want or need ■■■■, there is no joy in it - as a friend once said, he had that on his computer keyboard the phrase “there’s no joy in it” and also “not even a hint…” If you are a Christian you might be able to finish that verse off…

I don’t want to be a ■■■■ addict at 50 years of age, I don’t want to take this sin lightly, it’s really harmful, it can lead to serious escalation and serious problems. I have enough problems I really do without pmo.

Preemptive
To stay vigilant around pc this eve, to keep my eyes and thoughts well away from p0rn, no dirty jokes, ■■■■ ads, nothing tempting to be in my field of vision and if I catch myself peeking I will immediately stop it and click away from anything that will cause a problem. YouTube is locked onto restricted mode - can’t read comments or comment on vids but not a huge sacrifice.
If tempted click away, msg a friend, go for walk, turn off pc.
Aiming to join bible zoom tonight.
Tues I will attend the PA zoom (■■■■ addicts anonymous online group)

Stay vigilant, stay focused, stay positive

UYAP ( Unleash Your Apex Potential) - this from Mark Queppet

2 Likes
5

DAY SIX
Six days clean,
No real urges in recent days just the thought
" I could just watch P…" and thoughts of a favourite p star
So nothing much, however I know though that urges will come and it’s important to be realistic, I’m not being fkg negative I’m being realistic…

Doing my best to maintain a daily bible reading schedule had to catch up on 2 1/2 readings today on a walk, feeling distracted and a bit ADHD as usual but the audio bible is easy to listen to
I’m still undisciplined and living a life that involves a lot of escapism but if that escapism isn’t bloody P then that’s bloody progress.

PA zoom tomorrow so I’ll do my best to attend that and put any reluctance aside, it’s always a good zoom meeting once I’ve joined it

AV
I want to be free from the bullshit that is p0rn addiction, it never bloody satisfies, it’s a big fck off lie. I don’t need images and videos, and a dopamine rollercoaster, I don’t need to feel zoned out and shit later.

I want to get unstuck in my life, life is hard enough without indulging in fantasy escapism that brings so much frustration, anger, irritation and pain.
I want to find work I can do, become a proactive person, get disciplined, achieve some goals, buy a new phone, wake up without feeling guilty about the night before and make progress with this bloody OCD. Honestly without pmo these last few days it’s been easier to address checking behaviours, fck me I’m still doing it but it’s easier to not do them and I’m aware of what I’m doing, the shame element is reduced.
I’d like a real relationship and that probably won’t be possible as a p addict.
I don’t want to go out feeling ashamed and guilty and having social anxiety.
Going p0rn free is the way to a good successful life, it’s a about time, let’s do this!

I really want to make progress with the ocd and start ERP I can’t really do that as a regular P0rn addict

I want to be a much happier person by the years end, not wallowing in this fkg addiction

Preemptive
I’m not watching p tonight that’s for sure, if I come across anything tempting I’m going to click away, turn the damn programme off, keep YouTube on restricted mode
I’ll make sure my thoughts don’t stray

Tomorrow I’ll make sure I don’t give into temptation while in bed.
I’ll stay vigilant, use clearing actions, msg a friend if tempted, do my daily Bible reading, listen to a NoFap podcast clip

UYAP

@forerunner @Prayer_Warrior @Sonu7 @debellator

1 Like