Rebooter81 My Diary

#1

Well I’m pretty annoyed at myself for relapsing twice yesterday. 35 days no porn streak ended, nearly 11 days no porn or mast or orgasm ended so pretty demotivated and frustrated but I’m starting again and trying to be realistic as well.
Of course I will fail again at some point but that could in 200 days time for all I know.
So I’m hoping to hit 100 days as a new personal best which is fairly ambitious for me.
But why did I do it? I relapsed because I was in real pain. Pain that I’m single at 37 , pain that I got thoroughly rejected by a girl I liked awhile back even though considering all the circumstances most people would consider that a good thing as she has major health and mental health issues. I’ve pretty much ruined our friendship but perhaps not entirely. I’m not looking forward to Christmas because it’s the loneliest time of year for singles. I can’t date non Christians without feeling conflicted, I can’t find a Christian girl who likes me who I like. I’m not sure what God wants me to do with my life and I’m lonely nearly all of the time. I battle ocd in some measure every day and my whole life seems unbearably safe and caged thanks to ocd fear and self disqualification. It’s not all bad news but feeling lonely and the pain of rejection seems to trigger my desire for porn thats when I have to fight. As Christians say the battle is in the mind.
Part of me just wants to hook up with someone and enjoy some intimacy but the other side knows all the guilt and issues that will bring following it. That it’s not a long term solution. I’m not living my damn life.
But I remember how I felt towards the end of my 25 day streak I was focussed and my head was clearer. Didn’t solve the other issues but guess it was helping somehow.
Need another long streak and to be single minded again. When I’m being a good Christian hell I’m lonely but I’m happier because I know my own mind. I’m bloody lonely anyway but being single minded thats a bloody good thing. God help me.

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#2

Brethren,
you are already 37 This attitude will not help you.You already have put the seed of failure in your mind. You have to achieve your full potential in this life only.

Make a LifeLong commitment, if you wanna live happy & have a nice family life.
:pray:

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#3

God help those who help themselves.

Take up the sword & shield and come in my group. Fight like a man. Maybe god will think you worthy of his powers & invest in you.
I am tagging you there.

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#4

:pray::pray::pray: I feel your pain. I really want good things for you bro, that’s all I can truly say

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#5

Thanks people for comments and encouragement. I’m not planning to fail though I know being prepared for a fail at some point looks that way but this is a process and complete victory is unlikely to be achieved immediately however I know where you are coming from so I will say I’m committing again to a new life, a new way of thinking and a new way of behaving. I’ve found failing by looking at porn in particular but also by the act of masturbation just creates double-mindedness for me as a Christian which creates a kind of internal chaos that I don’t want or need. I intend to get married in the future so I have no choice but to align my thinking, values and behaviour in keeping with that goal and in keeping with God’s plan for me in keeping with New Testament Christianity. That sounds a bit strict no doubt but it provides clarity, a framework and consistency for me. Cognitive dissonance and doublemindedness is the worst. Hope God’s got someone for me… Need to have faith…

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#6

Educating yourself about pornography and masturbation are helpful in how you see your problem.


I understand trying to live according to God’s standard. It’s worth pursuing righteousness as we are called to do that as Christians. If God let this be your struggle, embrace the opportunities to communicate with him through prayer.

I believe if you learn more about God’s word and his character you will be changed by it and you will live the best possible lifestyle you can live. You won’t have to consciously think “I should do this or stop doing that”. You will do those things naturally.

#7

@rebooter81 I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Phil 4:13

Keep going brother, I myself started hard mode from November 1st. Let’s keep moving, crawling. But keep moving. Don’t give up. Fight till u die! That’s the most satisfying feeling. Better to fight dying than give up half way through.