Radio's journal: There is hope

Day 0:

I’m starting this diary to help keep me accountable. So it’ been a while sense last time I posted here. I’ve learned that even a year without PMO and you can still relapse back to the beginning.

I’ve felt quite sad that I feel like I don’t know where my life is going sometimes and it leads me to PMO bc PMC gives me this false sense of control.

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Day 1:

So I relapsed last night and that’s why I started this diary. Right after the relapse I looked up on Google “I’m stuck in the same sin” and I watched two videos and they made my think about this whole thing. Like how’d I have such a large streak now I can’t get past 14 days? I think a part of it is that I stopped playing same of the video games (aka Skyrim and Fallout 4) I like playing. They aren’t evil games in themselves but I don’t really play them without mods and sense I mod them I go to the mod website daily and the website some times has some mods that are on the steamy side.

I’m planning on Uninstalling these when I get home from work. I think if I’m playing single player games they need to be low risk or I have to be streaming the so I have some form of accountability.

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Keep going man. You can make it. Ignore the naysayers and all the negatives of this world. Just make it happen and become a legend while at it. :muscle::fire:

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Oh hey man. I missed the cat! Welcome back. I hope you get past 14 days this time around. (baby steps). You can get into streaming, could be a fun little hobby.

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We are all with you man. Yes, seeing that you fell from such a high streak is a motivation for us to become extra careful.
Keep going. This time you’ll become the king of your life.

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Day 2:

So I Uninstalled the games I planned on. Ironically my profile picture is actually from fallout 4 lol (one of the games I Uninstalled). Actually while I was doing this I realized my one ssd wasn’t plugged into the psu, from when I fixed my pc like 2 or 3 weeks ago.

@WalkWithoutFear @Taher @Tagore I appreciate all of your kind words, thanks so much

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Day 0:
I Just relapsed (just watched porn no fapping) and I was watching and I heard the person on the live porn say something that was like a normal conversation and it made me think. So It made me not want to fap. I haven’t been writing my Bible like I should and praying.

It seems that when I get am in some sort of pain/discomfort I lean towards relapsing. Like for example I ate some spicy miso Ramen and it didn’t settle well in my gut so I could that I was super prone to relapse. It seems that I relapse mostly bc I don’t like the feeling of being unsure about things at all

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Day 8:

I’ve been trying to learn why I thought I needed this addiction in the first place. It seems it all stems back to the fact that I always thought of myself as a failure to my family because I had a hard time learning to read and I got held back(I ended up finishing a year early in the end tho). It made me feel like an idiot and I hated school because of it. I had to go to something called LearningRX and that’s about the same time that I started getting into this trash addiction

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Day 15:

I’ve been doing some reflecting and I found that my troubles with addiction is partly bc my personality and how I tend to be a bit idealistic. I put too much pressure on myself to be great at everything I enjoy doing. For example I love playing video games and sometimes I get upset when I don’t play perfectly bc I want to be great at everything I enjoy. This definitely contributes to my addiction bc when I feel like I have failed at something I really care about, it’s so much easier to make myself feel like I have accomplished something by watching porn. It looks as though I need to try to not take everything as either a failure or a success. Some times they are neither, but we can learn from them still.

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Day 0:

I need to be honest all the time, not just one or two honest posts they all have to be honest. I’ll be completely honest I really want to talk to people on this forum more but I feel so guilty because I got to a year sober and relapsed. I feel like I’ve failed everyone. I know that it isn’t true but it’s still a hard pill to swallow. I need to start putting others before me and actually post on their threads. Most importantly I need to start a morning Bible reading routine and prayer time

Day 0:

I feel defeated

Buenas noches

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Relying on God is great but
Brother, from my personal journey firstly, i needed clarity. Why am i doing this? I had them written down first. All the reasons.

Secondly, i needed will/determination. (Discipline is better than determination. But mastering discipline takes time.)

If you are lacking in this two department i think you should take care of them. These were quite important in my journey.

Also you may checkout brother forerunner’s youtube channel. I am sure some of his videos will be helpful.

Oh One thing that works for is that i make it about one day. Just today i am determined to not relapse. And i try repeating it everyday.

You will always be part of this community. We are all part of this community. We are here to get rid of the addiction.

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Don’t give up man! Let’s go together. I believe in you man. You have something to show, it’s your destiny to be the best person you can be. You can do this, lets go. :muscle::facepunch::pray:

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