Radio's diary: I'm sorry

I always wanted to learn a second language. So that’s what I’m trying to do, but it ain’t easy. I sometimes feel like I’m doing great then other times I feel like I’m learning nothing at all. It may take me longer than most to learn it, but I’ll keep at it

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Well…I think I hit a flatline. I just feel like I’m going nowhere and doing nothing right. I also have a dull feeling urge in the back of my mind. Even with all these negative feelings in my head, I still know that God is with me. He’ll never leave, or forsake me.

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I have been so busy, it’s crazy! That may seem like a good thing, but it’s not. Because if you rely on being busy to stop relapses you’ll eventually have a break and when you do. Boom Relapse! I know I have been taking advantage of my business in this regard, but can’t do that because it’s not true freedom it’s just borrowed time.

I need to start reading my Bible in the morning and at night. So to strengthen my soul at all hours of the day

I forgive myself.

I’m only human.

I knew that I was taking a risk in playing my modded video games again. From now on I never want to play those games again with mods. (I relapsed)

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I’ve been doing pretty good, but I looked up something on YouTube that was kinda borderline the other day. It technically wasn’t porn and I didn’t stare at it for minutes at a time. I don’t think I’ll count it as a relapse bc I didn’t stare at it endlessly, I resisted. I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt, and forgiving myself relapse or not bc thinking about it all the time makes relapse more likely

Shame leads to more relapses, so I want to let it go to be free

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I’m going to try to post on here more often… Imma post a real update tomorrow, I need some sleep XD

Well, I guess I didn’t post tomorrow like I said I would LUL. I’ve been doing pretty good, I’ve been mostly trying to work on myself confidents. It seems that most my urges/relapses all stem from the fact that I have dyslexia and from that I grew up with massive self-esteem problems. I always felt like a failure to my family, inferior to other people, and straight up dumb.

I has taken me years to realize that this is all not true, but these feelings don’t just leave over night.

For example in the Bible Paul asked God to take his thorn away from him a few times, but then God said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. This reminds me that the way God made me from birth is a blessing because it makes me depend on him more

I had to come to grips with the fact that God made me unique for a reason, and that he has a plan for me that is far greater than I can imagine.
I had to learn that there actually is some advantages to being dyslexia. Like how I just seem to so easily just think outside the box.

Actually I could go on about this more but I need to get some sleep. Maybe I’ll post more tomorrow if I’m not too busy

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Okay so I didn’t do too much today, because i started up too late last night because I relapsed
-I did my Spanish for the day (most of it)
-I did at least one coding
-I finished the main story on a video game I have wanted to beat for over 10 years
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What I forgot to do
-More Spanish
-Read my Bible
(I’m trying to at least read a short Bible plan before bed)

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Check out the YouVersion Bible app, it has good and short reading plans.

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I actually alreadyhave that app lol, I just think I need more than just those short plans.

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1 day:
-I did a little Spanish
-I finished all my sub emotes
-I worked out
-I plan to read my Bible before bed
-I did a lesson of coding


I’m mostly happy with what I got done.
The only thing else I could have done was some more Spanish or an extra coding lesson

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Day 2:
-I did Some Spanish
-I did a coding lesson
-I made some emotes on twitch
-I worked out
-I played a new game


Honestly today was great! My brother bought me wings, my mom cooked a birthday soup for me and cookies. And loads friends and family wished me a happy birthday. It felt good, because I sometimes feel a bit forgotten so it made me feel good

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Day 3:
I encountered a toxic dude in a video game and chose to tried to be nice to the dude even tho he didn’t deserve it. I remembered that God was gracious with me so the least I could do is be gracious to to this guy, in something as meaningless as a video game

Day 4:
I mostly just chilled and napped LUL

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Day 5:

-Three lessons of coding
-Some Spanish
-Some working out
-trying to find my niche streaming (still working on it)


I need to start going to bed earlier

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Day 6: imma write this quick because I gonna get some sleep
-Worked out
-Did some Spanish
-Spent some rime with my family playing different video games
-I watched a video about coding


-I forgot to do a coding lesson
-I forgot to write a psalm

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Belated Happy birthday bro !!!

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Thank you very much!

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Day 7:

  • I did a coding lesson
  • I practiced some Spanish

  • I didn’t workout today

Funny story I was supposed to run on the treadmill today for a mile but I drank part of an energy drink too close to bedtime last night. So I only got like 4 hours of sleep so I decided to not run today.
A little better news, so i was playing some video games (with only 4 hours of sleep) and I got fun matches but had this one match where I got hard flamed and I still upset about it after the maych so I talked ro my brother about it and that really helped me feel better.
The reason I mentioned this is because these super negative emotions are a big part in when and how I have relapsed. I’m glad that i decided to talk to someone about it instead of bottling it up.
It made me feel a whole lot better!
Okay I think that is it for tonight, I need some sleep!

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Day 8:

  • I did some Spanish

  • I tried to do a coding lesson but I got stuck, imma have to do it tomorrow (I found a video on the lessson)

I didn’t do too much, but I did catch up on my sleeping schedule a bit

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