Radio's diary: I'm sorry

Day 1:

Just a average winter day, streaming then playing some among us with friends


Day 3:

Slept in bc I helped my brother make his dresser at his new place yesterday.

Streamed overwatch and practiced Spanish with duolingo between in queues.

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Wow! Look at that, you’re already at day 7 in no time. Unfortunately I could not join you at the same time but I’m getting there again!
Your progress is quite motivating actually.
Would love to know how you’re doing. It’s been 4 days since your last update on here. :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:


My family and I cut some trees down on Saturday and I took both Saturday and Sunday off from streaming. Practiced a little bit of Spanish even tho I didn’t stream

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Day 2:

I was just watching a YouTube video and some thing clicked in my head about why I took rejection from this girl a few years back so hard. It was bc I never think I’m good enough at anything and the rejection made me thing I wasn’t good enough for her so I must be worthless. I need to address this more bc I feel like I haven’t fully dealt with destructive mindset

It’s essential that we work on building a positive mental attitude. I tore myself down for years and it just made life unbearable.

You’re definitely not worthless, I’m glad you realised that was the reason you took the rejection hard in the past.

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I think it also has a connection to why I PMO. I think bc I tell myself I’m not good enough. It makes me feel good enough for a brief moment, but then makes me feel enough more worthless after. It’s a circle of pain

I think my main reason for PMOing is bc it makes me feel like I’m in control

I always had this feeling that I wasn’t good enough in general and PMO gave be this feeling of being good enough for a moment of time

I used to think that these two reason for PMOing were the same reason but they’re different and it’s helpful knowing that


I can totally relate to you brother. This is also the reason that happens to me to. But never say your useless because everyone in the entire world has something of a gift inside them. The journey is to be the best version of ourselves. Keep going brother. Think of all the pain and the things you will cause your parents if you relapse again. Just look at your old self in the floor PMOing and tell it to destroy itself because this is a new you. That’s what I’m doing. “I don’t want you any more so die to my old me”

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That’s another tragic way people see PMO.
In reality, we know that’s not the case. But it’s hard to be in “control” when avoiding PMO as well. It takes time as all things do. I think the more you focus on not being idle, the easier it’ll get.

Day 0:

So I practice my Spanish good, right? Well I tell myself that I’ll never learn it or that I’m taking to long to learn it so relapse bc of (B reason)

So I relapsed again…but not all is last.

Why’d I relapse?
Bc I kept letting sexual thoughts in stay I my head.
All day and the whole time I was going to bed for the 7 day streak.

I watches this video about what people thought of porn and it made me remember what helped me get to over a year long streak and when I almost didn’t relapse bc of it. I only really relapsed bc I kept telling myself ‘I can’t be a true Christian bc I keep doing think’ and the other reasons I stated before.

So what I remembered was that I used to play this game of mental mind games with myself if I had an urge. I would think about everyone on this app and how I wanted to be an example and how I wanted to have one of the highest streaks. I would think of how I wanted to be the best person I could be for my family, God, and maybe future wife. I would think about God. I would think about how Jesus dying for my sins and how he went through so much more pain than me.

He called them the 6 C’s.

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It is tragic to see the both of us fall into the trap again. But through every failure, there is a lesson.
Getting sexual thoughts out of your head can be difficult. As I’ve learned, when you try to get rid of a thought, the stronger it becomes. We focus so much on the thoughts we don’t want, we soon realize by focusing on such thought, our attention to it has grown. Instead, we should take this thought captive and give it to our Lord. For He will deal with it. If it comes back, you should not let it bother you. The Lord is aware of it, and He sees your struggle. We should then focus on good things, such as meditating on Scripture or prayer.
Usually, during the time to sleep, when we try to focus on God, our bodies very quickly want to wrap things up, because deep inside we do not want to let go of the sin, and so in bed, we’re ready to fire up the browser. I made that mistake. Instead of easily, just going online if anything, and watching something good to distract me, I let the thought dig in, and spread. A mistake.
From reading your second paragraph. I see a lot of “I want” in there. And while, what you want, is something good. To not fall into sin. The thought of “I want” makes us think, we’re the only ones that can fix this. Which is not the case.
I want to leave my circumstances because if I’m away from a house of unbelievers, it will be so much easier to avoid sin. Yet, that has not been granted to me. And I’ve been made aware, no matter how hard I try, if God does not allow it, I’m not getting it.
It can be frustrating, I feels helpless. Yet there is a reason for all this. We focus on bettering ourselves in this life, and while that may be a good thing, we don’t get better because either, we’re not focused on what really matters, which is our spiritual bodies, or due to pride, we think we can beat this ourselves.
In my opinion, I think pride is the most deadly sin. It corrupted Lucifer when he wanted to become greater than God, then fell to Adam, when he was deceived to be like God, and comes down to us.
When we do PMO, we are self centered, not caring for the person we imagine in our lustful thoughts or even watch, knowing they are people too. We don’t care for ourselves knowing it’s wrong for us, yet our desires are better. And more importantly, we don’t care about what God wants in that moment. We were given such a great gift, this body that is not ours, for we were bought at a price. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and so we must keep it always Holy. And while we don’t want to sadden the Lord. Our selfish desires overcome. And so we don’t focus on the promises of God, but on our fleshy desires that will eventually go away.
When a person is greedy or loves money. There is pride. They don’t care about sharing to others, just about themselves. They want to be richer than everyone else.
I notice a lot, with NoFap, it encourages us to better ourselves at times by saying “we” can do it. But it is only with God’s help that we can overcome this.
I would like to end off, on something great that I came across. While I knew the trials Jesus endured. I mainly focused on the ones told to us. (I.e. Satan trying to get Him to turn the stones to bread, or wanting Him to jump off a cliff).
But Jesus resisted far more than we really think. He preached everywhere. Women would follow Him around, they would wipe their hair on His feet, and so on. Yet I guarantee, Jesus did not even have such thoughts. For He knew the promises of the Lord. It is incredible.
On our moments of struggle, we do not think, and do things we shouldn’t. The desires and emotions (hormones and such) blind us. And yet, not once did Jesus fall into that. I sometimes think God called me to be single. And while I can say yes to Him. The desire to be with someone tries to creep in. And while I don’t know the future. We should not focus on how to better ourselves for our “future wife” but rather, do it for God.

Here is a great article I found:

Let us overcome this, brother.

I have a question, you’re on a train’s tracks and the train is coming straight for you. Do you resist the train or flea from it? PMO is much the same, run from it like the plague. Don’t wait till you feel like doing the right thing, do it bc you know it is the right thing to do and bc you have been in God’s word to know right from wrong.

Always remember that not all relapses are created equal. For example if I relapses bc I look at some fanart then looked at some nude ones then stopped before fapping it wouldn’t be the same as if I kept looking and then fapped. Why does it matter anyway tho? bc if you believe that all relapses are the same then after you relapsed you’ll just do everything not just P, you’ll do PMO. ‘Well I relapsed so why not enjoy myself?’ You’ll say to yourself

PS my personality type is INFP, so take it from me as a feeling type. Don’t let your feelings control you during the rewiring too much. Know what is truth not feel for truth. Look to God in this time and always. That’s why I fell back into this mess bc I stopped trusting in God’s truth bc I was scared of where I was in my life as a person

My “Deku” isn’t always going to mean “useless”!
My “Deku” means “You can do it!”


Unless we develop this seriousness…this attitude… we cannot be free from pmo addiction.

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Don’t ever let the guilt tell you what to do! Know the truth, that only comes from God and live by it.

I just saw this sus anime clip on YT that I clicked on and it wasn’t porn per-say but it was border line and when I noticed that the clip was going south clicked off, but sometimes you/I would see that and guilt ourselves into thinking that we kinda relapsed so why not just do the real thing?

It’s still no! No matter what!


So I really really really want to learn a second language! I learned some Spanish in the past, then some Japanese, and now I’m back to learning Spanish.

What’s different about this time?
I learned that I have to sacrifice some of my other interests to focus on the one that I really want to do.
You see, I really like playing video games. Especially overwatch, and I liked playing comp. But the energy it took for me to play comp after work was quite a bit and I can’t do that and learn Spanish, I had to make the choice to play the game more causally for now till I get a grip of Spanish.

As a kid I always had that problem, bc I really like a lot of things so it’s hard to pick a few to focus on when I still love the ones I’m not even focusing on at all

That is one of many reasons why I PMO.
Not accomplishing anything from spreading myself too thin would lead me to this addiction

It’s kinda late as I write this, but I’ve waited long procrastinated long enough. As a young kid I struggled to learn to read and write. I had no problem speaking at all. So my parents took me to something called learningRX to help me learn to read. I learned differently than other people, it was hard bc school wasn’t made for the way I learned best and it really made made self esteem as a kid really really bad. I felt like something was wrong with me for countless years as a child. Even after I learned to read I still felt like a failure bc I felt like I was ‘slow’ to learn in the first place.

I wanted to write this down bc I was looking at my old learningRX books. I looked at my old teachers comments in the book and it said how I had low self esteem. It made me think about, how I used to think just bc I’m different than other people that it means I’m a failure or dumb. (Next sentence explains why I looked for the old books in the first place) Also I’m trying to learn Spanish and I wanted to know how I learned languages in general

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It’s been two weeks and I have to be honest or I’ll never climb the mountains I want to. I had a weird wet dream two nights ago, but it didn’t lead to anything more.

I’ve been busy lately with work, so I could get trapped easily on the weekends if I’m not careful.

I saw a kinda sus anime clip on YouTube, at first I was like what are they saying (bc it was in Spanish) but then I was like I don’t need to know, I need to flea. It wasn’t a relapse but it could be a planted seed in my mind to make me relapse later out of guilt. That’s why I posted about it here, to let it go.


Hey man. Make sure to have a vision for your life when you come to this journey. It will help more than enough. You just need to do whatever you can to overcome this. Try doing something you always wanted to do or something fun and make a video about it. It helped me.

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