I’m starting this diary to help keep me accountable. So it’ been a while sense last time I posted here. I’ve learned that even a year without PMO and you can still relapse.
I’ve felt quite sad that I feel like I don’t know where my life is going sometimes and it leads me to PMO bc PMO gives me this false sense of control.
So I relapsed last night and that’s why I started this diary. Right after the relapse I looked up on Google “I’m stuck in the same sin” and I watched two videos and they made my think about this whole thing. Like how’d I have such a large streak now I can’t get past 14 days? I think a part of it is that I stopped playing same of the video games (aka Skyrim and Fallout 4) I like playing. They aren’t evil games in themselves but I don’t really play them without mods and sense I mod them I go to the mod website daily and the website some times has some mods that are on the steamy side.
I’m planning on Uninstalling these when I get home from work. I think if I’m playing single player games they need to be low risk or I have to be streaming the so I have some form of accountability.
Keep going man. You can make it. Ignore the naysayers and all the negatives of this world. Just make it happen and become a legend while at it.
Oh hey man. I missed the cat! Welcome back. I hope you get past 14 days this time around. (baby steps). You can get into streaming, could be a fun little hobby.
We are all with you man. Yes, seeing that you fell from such a high streak is a motivation for us to become extra careful.
Keep going. This time you’ll become the king of your life.
So I Uninstalled the games I planned on. Ironically my profile picture is actually from fallout 4 lol (one of the games I Uninstalled). Actually while I was doing this I realized my one ssd wasn’t plugged into the psu, from when I fixed my pc like 2 or 3 weeks ago.
@WalkWithoutFear @Taher @Tagore I appreciate all of your kind words, thanks so much
I Just relapsed (just watched porn no fapping) and I was watching and I heard the person on the live porn say something that was like a normal conversation and it made me think. So It made me not want to fap. I haven’t been writing my Bible like I should and praying.
It seems that when I get am in some sort of pain/discomfort I lean towards relapsing. Like for example I ate some spicy miso Ramen and it didn’t settle well in my gut so I could that I was super prone to relapse. It seems that I relapse mostly bc I don’t like the feeling of being unsure about things at all
I’ve been trying to learn why I thought I needed this addiction in the first place. It seems it all stems back to the fact that I always thought of myself as a failure to my family because I had a hard time learning to read and I got held back(I ended up finishing a year early in the end tho). It made me feel like an idiot and I hated school because of it. I had to go to something called LearningRX and that’s about the same time that I started getting into this trash addiction
I’ve been doing some reflecting and I found that my troubles with addiction is partly bc my personality and how I tend to be a bit idealistic. I put too much pressure on myself to be great at everything I enjoy doing. For example I love playing video games and sometimes I get upset when I don’t play perfectly bc I want to be great at everything I enjoy. This definitely contributes to my addiction bc when I feel like I have failed at something I really care about, it’s so much easier to make myself feel like I have accomplished something by watching porn. It looks as though I need to try to not take everything as either a failure or a success. Some times they are neither, but we can learn from them still.
I need to be honest all the time, not just one or two honest posts they all have to be honest. I’ll be completely honest I really want to talk to people on this forum more but I feel so guilty because I got to a year sober and relapsed. I feel like I’ve failed everyone. I know that it isn’t true but it’s still a hard pill to swallow. I need to start putting others before me and actually post on their threads. Most importantly I need to start a morning Bible reading routine and prayer time
Relying on God is great but
Brother, from my personal journey firstly, i needed clarity. Why am i doing this? I had them written down first. All the reasons.
Secondly, i needed will/determination. (Discipline is better than determination. But mastering discipline takes time.)
If you are lacking in this two department i think you should take care of them. These were quite important in my journey.
Also you may checkout brother forerunner’s youtube channel. I am sure some of his videos will be helpful.
Oh One thing that works for is that i make it about one day. Just today i am determined to not relapse. And i try repeating it everyday.
You will always be part of this community. We are all part of this community. We are here to get rid of the addiction.
I wish I would have started to post here more before I relapsed instead, but I can’t change the past. I’ll admit that I’ve been going between having sexual thoughts and thoughts about how I feel like I never do anything right, no one cares about me, and how I wouldn’t mind going to heaven sooner than most. I just feel like my life has been a giant mess and I can’t even keep my addiction in remission. I was streaming Minecraft the other day and I was getting so depressed that when someone finally joined the chat and started talking I had to compose myself. I just feel like all the thinks I love and care about are impossible for me to do and I fear doing a job that I dread.
That’s really sad to hear brother. I can relate a lot to many of those thoughts.
We have to remind ourselves that many of the thoughts we have about ourselves aren’t true, and are destructive. Focus on the positive, remember what you’re grateful for.
I know that pain and frustration of returning to that lifestyle you swore off for good. I’ve been in that dark place where we recognise just how great our ability to self-sabotage is.
But the comeback is greater than the setback. We can be positive. We can focus on getting our lives back together one step at a time. We aren’t victims of circumstance, we’re champions!
You aren’t alone brother. I believe in you.
Thank you for your kind words!
“You can’t go back and change the beginning , but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
The fact that you’re here means you have a purpose. Do what you love, don’t quit it.
You deserve a lot, for all this effort you put in rewiring. Some will love you no matter what. We are here for you. Be great.
Need to write stuff down more, my feelings, my appreciations, my goals, my morals, and so much more. There was a chance for me to go back before I nosedived into the sin, but hadn’t prayed or read my Bible in weeks so I left myself weak.