Tomorrow I’ll accompanying my sister and a choir, she’s well known in our region.
Yesterday got the news it will be live streaming on several TV channels, good luck 
God help us. . .
I’ve the desire to sext, and relapse. Its the forbidden fruit. Nothing is as fulfilling as pmo. I need to connect with people to feel like i don’t need it. But I’m bad at it.
26/12/2023 8:25 AM
I’m failing at no fap, I keep getting these memories of sexual acts, it comes with alot of questions and curiousity. Idk what to do. When I’m pulled into sexual though, it’s hard to detach from it, curiousity. And at this point it makes you doubt all your beliefs and values. So I still no that before thinking about it I knew its wrong, but while thinking about it, I lose sense of what actually feels wrong.
Even people who have completed 90 days can have these thoughts sometimes. It’s about how much you let these thoughts control you. With time, you know how much value these thoughts hold and you know, they go away in an iffy if you are towards a journey of building and improving yourself. And are self aware of the fact that what holds true value in life.
So be calm and let those dirty thoughts pass.
No.1 topic in my mind, is homosexuality. I’m traumatized by it, it’s the past and the future and everything, holding alot of space in my mind. My burdens and worries all revolve around it somehow.
It feels wrong, and people tell me its the divil’s work, and there might be alot of truth to it. Orientations caused by biological factors are fine, but still shouldn’t act on my desires.
I fear expressong about it to friends and family, don’t want to sound like I’m supporting the traditional concept of gay and whats contributed to it. I don’t want to be a spark thay lights homosexuality in someone, or encourage them to act of it for some extent. I don’t want to encourage it. Solely want to express my burden regard it. But feels like I shouldn’t to not affect others
01/01/2024 2:36 AM
Happy new year 
Countdown to 2024, then its here…the feeling was “damn”, I could’ve cried. I just thought damn, I didn’t get enough of this year. i wished I had more life during that year, I wish I get to live more this year.
Its the same feeling every night, “I didn’t get enough of the day” its not fulfilling. I can’t go to bed feeling happy, nope, I feel like I didn’t do enough, I feel like its my fault.
I’m exhausted, to be continued
2/1/2024 0:16 AM
Giving the circumstances my semester started 31/12/23
This semester, I don’t have dorm but will go by public transport. Weekly,I have 30 hours of classes, and 16 hours work. I should do it and get high grades. It will save me a year, and lots of money. I’m a bit worried about it. Being with the family, with my brother should help me.
A full time job is 8×5, 40 hours in 5 days. That’s the plan, have 30 hours classes and revise/practice/do my homeworks in 10 hours a week.
Which leaves the weekends, for actual work. Or in my case break from university.
I’m stressed a bit about it. Like can’t breath just of thinking about it.
But I have alot alot to gain from this. Alot of time to save, alot of money to save. More time for work. For making money. Less time for pmo.
It’s just 11 weeks. If I do well I’ll grant my self a week vocation somewhere.
God walk with me this path, guide me and push me to be better and efficient. God help me this year be wiser and braver.
2/1/24 was pretty busy
Woke up at 8AM, left at 8:30 got back at 9:30 PM
I got a bit worried about a subject. I’m still evaluating the situation, I freak out whenever I start new subject/course/module. I think I’ll give up on subject I wanted to study badly, and get another one instead.
I’ll have a chance in the future to take it. My time table will be 28 hours weekly instead.
Like 7 on Sunday
0 on Monday
10 on Tuesday
7 on Wednesday
4 on Thursday
Today was long day, but the hard part was to stay awake, the lectures were scary and boring I never had this combination. Usually if its hard I need to focus more, but now felt hard but no point of trying it so boring and alot alot alot of nothing.
3/1/2024 20:49
Didn’t sleep well the past 5 days.
My first week back to university is almost done.
Idk what to do with my time now
Feels like I should keep running. I woke up at 6³⁰ , left at 7⁰⁰, got back at 20⁰⁰, I should probably prepare for tomorrow. Another long day, I need to study as well.
So the picture of this semester is becoming more clear every day. And I’m able to evaluate the situation better every day. I didn’t take any more courses, but changed one. I need to prepare in advace and be ready and organized. Like now, I should prepare food for tomorrow, clothes and do some clean a bit. That’s the daily routine.
6/1/24 22:34
First week done. Im still standing so far. I’m slipping some moments being lazy, and getting distracted. But so far in general doing good. I’m feeling tired though, and num, I can’t keep robot mode on much further.
the hardest part of being at the campus or anywhere with people, is being all alone. I see each 3+ people gather around and make their own group, and I try desperately to talk to few , try to engage. Then I feel shy and just go to the side. So that’s the hardest part, being alone while others aren’t.
7/12/24
I’ve been tired and angry today. I felt the urge to curse, I acted bad toward a classmate, cursed number of times. And been aggressive to my dad.
I don’t wanna do anything but I must. I do need attention and care.
I’ve considered relapsing, or think about past sexual experiences and reliving it in my mind. Which is terrible and will end up relapsing for sure.
Idk about tomorrow, but I’ll be all alone at home. I hope I wake up with better mode. I hope I get better as a person.
8/1/2024
No classes today, was at home. Cleaned a for few hours. And watched some series. Had to bear my brother, who’s being dick to me.
I couldn’t study or practice,… I need to reset the system so maybe sleep now (18:00)
I’m holding on, idk long I can go while feeling lonely and marginalized. Sucks pushing yourself alone.
9/1/24 7:17 AM
I slept less than 7 hours, my alarm clock didn’t go yet. …
I was about to bury myself back under the blankets. Then told myself, I need to love myself ans be proud of what I am. And be greatful that I’m taking care of myself. I need to show love and gratitude to my self, for pushing toward being better person. When I was young I didn’t think about it this way, but I did it by playing piano every morning, 6am. I was something I love doing, so every day I treat myself with piano session, like every morning. Unfortunately nowadays I feel judged on that area, I don’t feel I play for myself, people have a say as well, so not mine anymore.
But still, I want to find a way to tell myself, my entity,I love you. Maybe pleasuring myself with writing short stories. Or treating myself for good breakfast.
I’m glad of the person I am. Although I miss out on so many things, many times I don’t read the situation correctly, I’m not perfect. Most of my achievements aren’t even my initiative, but other people pushed me to do it. And I’m blessed by alot alot. So more or less I’m just here exsisting, everything is from God. Yep, and I’m happy and greatful.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a neighbour, like everyone she thought about migrating. She asked, did you ever consider leaving the country, I said never. She was surprised, but the situation here sucks everything here sucks the war the discrimination, don’t even have right of free speech…
I said correct, there are so much Evil in the world and less good people around, and good people are leaving. The situation is terrible but with out these good people here the situation would be 10 times worst. I’m here because the country is bad, because the world is going to the wrong direction. Here I feel that I’m worth something. I have a message, I have a mission.
She said, you can’t change the world.
I said, you’re right. I do as much as I can for the people around me, that’s all.
I gave this example, we’re in a country that always says “you’re bad person, Garbage, worth nothing, and will grow up to be terrorist, nothing good will come out of you, you’re bad”… Thats what the country (Israel) tell my people. So, if I see a kid, i will definitely stop and shake his hand. Talk with him and befriend him. Let him know he’s loved and he’s worth it, and he’s a good person and gonna become great one. Just planting this little faith and love in this child, is great message and Honourable task.
I do terrible mistakes, I fcked up many times, struggled alot and still. Mostly me against me, cause I’m always trying to better myself. I love myself. Thank God for all 
10/1/2024 23:42
I’m not sleeping well, and being tired and sleepy in class. Other than being tired, my day was good.
Last couple days, I noticed that I acted in some way, to get people’s attention/get friend with them, I cursed few times to get people closer and feel included. Pretty childish behaviour.
13/1/24
Its been tuff week, I’ve been tired and my blood pressure unstable, idk what I’m feeling physically, but it ain’t good. . . . . .
Mentally, I find it hard to leave the bed, since its cold this time of the year. Couldn’t get myself to study/practice/workout. Felt alone. And the robot mode is about disconnecting my feelings and just keep going, keep working. Its hard to maintain this.
I slipped yesterday, I relapsed. Wasn’t much sexual thoughts involved, as I didn’t watch pmo and didn’t remember past stuff.
I told myself it ain’t for me, it feels good but not mine, and told myself couple hours then I start work so I can survive it. Then had just one wank, and said to myself just 10 times, the just 10 more. Well, I lost. I shouldn’t wrestle with thoughts.
I can’t be alone, I need friends. One problem I want to admit here: I’ve tried to tell my friend about my life,pmo , and more, I ended up putting all the weight on him, it was too much. Also, ‘here is the problem’, I got attached to this friend, emotionally. I hate that this happened.
Deep down my sub-conscious is thirsty for attention and emotional connection. I’m dealing with homosexuality, and it’s not easy. One reason I don’t share much, is I don’t want to get attached to the person. This is depressing, let’s move on
For a while I had a therapist, now I’m alone, maybe for the best. I believe I’m capable of standing alone.
I want to make some space for me from the family and everyone. - will sign up for the campus gym, I should add sport to my schedule.
-I’m at one prayer group, and looking into another group which discusses political matters.
This past week was harded to disconnect from the war and all that’s happening. I wanted to cry, to do something, waiting patiently for things to change a bit. People can’t show sympathy toward Gaza, everyone that does is considered a terrorist. The only voice heard is the extremest voice again Gaza, its not that many people call with this voice, but its the only voice for now.
There is alot to talk about, but that’s enough for the day. I have work in an hour, 7 hours then going to church
On daily basis, I find it hard to commit to God and church teachings. I’m afraid of committing, later on that when I understand myself better .
I wish I had a life partner/mentor/close friend 
Just talk to myself
I feel defeated. What’s the point of life if you’re living it alone. I don’t mind the struggle, but I don’t want to be alone in it. theoretically, I don’t need anyone. But the reality, I don’t have they energy to do anything if I feel so alone. I can do things but I won’t, people are my fuel.
I don’t want to leave my bed, but I must. 10 hours classes today. I had '"break yesterday, but didn’t have enough of it. Wasted. my sadness and need for dopamine is a pity.
I’m officially depressed, the only way out is to actually do my work, and the sense of achievement will cure this.
I need to accept that I’ve no partners, no close friends. It’s awful walking the path alone. Fck
Man see this video 
يا رب شكرا لك على جزيل فضلك. فقد انعمت علي بالكثير الكثير، صحة ممتازة وعقل ممتاز، ذكاء وحكمة وحنكة، أقارب محبين وعمل وعلم والكثير غيرها.
يا رب انا أدري انه ليس بمستطاعي شيء بدونك، ورغم كل حسنك لا زلت عاجز وضعيف وليس لي شيء بدونك، لا احسن ان اكتب الغد ولا ان احقق شيئا بدون قوتك وحسنك
اعيش واعمل واتعب ولكن اعلم واشعر انك معي تحمل عني كل همومي وتستر على عيوبي وإهمالي، وتجري الحياة وكأنني انا مسيطر وعظيم، لكني لست شيء لولاك. شكرا لك يا رب
I’ve been hard on myself. Got alot of work to do, like always. Feels like it never ends. I end up wasting alot if time, and punishing myself and hating myself. Cause as long as I have tasks to do, it feels like I’m not doing my best, and I’m being lazy and unworthy.
I get blinded every now and then, and need reminders.
Its busy schedule, so I should love myself for sustaining this routine. It ain’t easy.
The thing is, I still feel like I have plenty of time, which I use some of it to study and to my homeworks, and revise. Like for example, my phone screen is on 6 hours a day. I should use it less.
And I don’t feel physically tired, I feel more lonely and depressed, cause in all this I feel alone, I would love if I had more friends and close people. so my emotions are boiling all the time, seeing people in groups and connecting makes me feel lonelier, and focus light on how I fcked up in this area.
I’m pretty distracted and stressed,
Can’t focus on too many things at once.
My main concern is to be with people, and be friends.
Well, idk why is that, but even if consciously I try to set different purpose, the unconscious part still takes control. I’m sick for attention and love, I’m sick to being the best, if I’m not then I feel im not worth it.
Broken Many things need fixing 