Rab's second Diary [24M]

Thanks alot man, I need to stay aware of these thoughts and fears to remember its just delusional and illogical.
I struggle with making friends and talking in small groups in real life, where I feel different from everyone greatly, and they have more shared traits and perspectives.

I can’t control my thoughts or fears, so I try to distract myself wether by hurting myself to push myself through or social media or pmo,
As you said I need to stay aware of how illogical this fear is.

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Actually I’m the same as you. I also feel that my interest and values are different from those around me. But you can still have a good relationship with them, although not close friends, just try to listen and understand what they’re talking, join the conversation whenever they’re talking about what you’re familiar, and care about them, like what problem they’re facing, what new things they tried recently, etc, then I’m quite sure they will accept you.

But of course, you’ll still feel lonely sometimes because no one really understands you. It’s good that you have a faith to give you strength when you feel that loneliness. Being different means you’re special and maybe you’re chosen to do special missions :sunglasses:

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Hi, Rab! I wanted to share a resource that really helped me.
I hope things work out and I’m cheering for you!

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I don’t want to move myself

The key to life is never expect anything from anyone, work and do and don’t expect to be paid back, don’t raise your expectations. It leads to disappointment and that leass to pain.

I don’t want to push myself

3 years ago I joined this app, now I find mytas miserable as I was. Just more disappointed and exhausted

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Rab I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are not alone.

Lately there are two ideas I’ve been organizing my thoughts around:

  • I want to be like water flowing downhill. It doesn’t get frustrated there are rocks in the way, it just flows around them. And eventually the water wears the rocks away to sand.

  • I want to surrender my life to God and decide that the one who created me knows best how I should live. And so each day I will tell myself that God is in control and I am his child, his servant, walking a little bit behind him and seeing what he will do with my life. I’ll talk to him about it and do my best with what comes my way: happiness or tragedy, success or drudgery. Each day, step by step, just trusting someone higher than me has a plan and I will just follow.

These thoughts are very comforting to me, as I often feel melancholy about myself and life and the world in general.

Rab, has anyone told you lately you are a good boy? Because you are a good boy.

Has anyone told you lately that they want to be your friend? Because I want to be your friend.

Has anyone said to you lately that they love you? Because I love you. Because of what you have written, how you have shared your soul and continued trying for three years. I love you and I respect you for that.

We are all cheering for you. And here’s a secret. Even if you never overcome PMO for your whole entire life, we are still going to love and respect you for trying. It’s ok. It’s not the best for you, and we all want to support you in achieving your best life. But if your life is not the best, it’s still a good life and the world is better because you were born into it.

Take heart, brother Rab. You’re not alone. We’re with you, in spirit, on the same journey as you.

Oh, hey, I wrote all this note to you without realizing you follow Lord Jesus as I do. But then I scanned back and saw the photo from Palm Sunday and read what you wrote. I am super glad to know we actually are brothers, then, and we will be friends in the future in heaven. I hope to see you a lot there, we will have much to talk about. Such a good future we have to look forward to. Prayers, blessings, and all good things sent your way, brother.

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Join the club mate, I’ve been here 6,
And you know what? it’s okay.
It’s at this point we start asking ourselves more honestly… don’t overthink it, but learn to reflect in a positive light.
Don’t over think all your worries so much, because it’s nothing new.
It’s at this point we accept ourselves as we are, as God would have it.

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@MatthewC @lets_begin

Thanks alot guys, these are the best words I can wake up to

Let’s go again, another round

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I know it’s cliché, but God loves you as you are, warts and all

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@Rab_J

Today my martial arts sensei gave me a life lesson. He said that I use a lot of humor that puts myself down and talk about my faults a lot. He said that words influence our minds and our mind will believe those words even if we are just joking. So I need to use words that are empowering and confident, not self-deprecating.

Rab you are a miracle. A genetically unique living being experiencing moments moving on a unique path through time and space. No one else can experience the world exactly as you can.

You can think complex thoughts, learn new ways to do things, control your eating, sleeping, and exercise and move your body in new ways to accomplish new tasks.

You can develop new relationships and alter current ones to make them closer or to get unhelpful people further away from you.

You can make choices about what kinds of thoughts to feed: empowering, positive ones, or discouraging negative ones. You can trick your brain into thinking things are going even better than they are, and your brain will believe it.

You can decide what your goals are going to be and focus on what is most high-impact, what is attainable at your current level of ability, and what you need to work on to increase your capacity and reach new ability levels.

Your life is like a big video game. You can play your character how you want and level him up with new equipment and abilities.

So let’s see how you power up today, get to the next level, and go fight those bosses!

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Thank you alot my friend for these encouraging words.

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Living with my family, I tried to maintain order, and organize stuff and keep my things away to not bother anyone, but they could seem to understand the logic of “I wanna live here and also make it possible for others to live here as well”. That’s the whole tension in the family, I fought this fight cause I needed the family to better and then be able to help me in return. Cause they are what makes life worth it, and they are what matters and what can actually lift my mood and help me out.

I always threw my “problems” at my father and he caught them, just superficial shit, just things that sometimes I can actually handle myself but wouldn’t say no for some help. However, he made it clear (even if not intentional) that he doesn’t want anything to do with real problems and dilemmas I have in my personal life. He could unintentionally shake my life, but wouldn’t bother to understand that he did.

I wouldn’t want to share my problems with my mom or my sisters, or any female. Men are used to shit and disappointment, and could actually relate more. While women can show sympathy, their talk is more theory and analysis, cause they didn’t live a man’s life.

I’m left with my brother, who’s sometimes a real support, but other times I don’t agree with his means. And he’s just dismissive of my crisis. (Its nothing, who cares, you’re too sensitive, you’re blah blah blah.)

I’m just different from both my brother who tells me “so what, who cares, everybody does it, so its alright”, and my father who wouldn’t understand.

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I’m sorry you don’t have anyone who’s just the right fit to help you through what you’re struggling with. People tend to be wrapped up in themselves so they want to give you simple solutions or just tell you to snap out of it. If they have not gone through what you are going through, they have trouble understanding.

It can be difficult to relate to parents because we feel we need their help, but we can resent that help too because it feels controlling.

In my own life, various people have offered some help, but there is not just one person who has really understood me and helped me solve my problems. The progress I’ve made in different areas of life has come from developing my spiritual life and talking to God, talking to a variety of other people about different things, and learning from good sources on the internet.

What specifically would you say you are struggling with right now that your family has not been able to help with? Anxiety, depression, etc?

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All of the above,

Jesus is my only saviour, live like him act like him choose like him. I need to focus on him.

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I’m feeling lazy, demotivated, I should move my self do something useful, otherwise its straight to depression and relapsing.

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Just start with small things. Get up the same time and go to bed the same time every day. Do a few pushups or situps before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Read one chapter of the Bible in the morning and one at night.

Work on establishing firm good habits like this. They’ll be seeds that will grow into all sorts of good things in your life.

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You need to refresh your mind . Make a plan for trip.

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يا رب
:disappointed:
الكسل والاهمال هم من اكبر أعدائي. يثقل قلبي، فأبحث بكل البشر عن من يعزيني ويروي عطشي. الرب قد عمل ما وعد ووهبني كل
النعم ويجب ان احفظها، والبشر كلهم عطشى ، فما من حل إلا ان اقوم فاعمل فأدرس واجتهد. واذا ما قمت فموت أموت، لن يميتني احد لكنني سأيبس وأضعف الى ان اتخذ من الشرير مخلصا.

يا رب اعبدك واسجد لك واسبحك، انت ربي سيدي وكلي وما من سيد سواك، انت تستر علي، تعزيني ، تقويني وتحفظني من كل شر، شكرا لك الف شكر على رحمتك ومحبتك وعلى جميع ما فعلت وعلى كل عطاياك ونعمك. آمين

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Today went well, I think it was interesting

I was being super lazy, I slept yesterday at 9pm, and left my bed at 9:40 am, after being awake for 3-4 hours and just laying in bed checking my phone. Then I decided I want to go to church in my village and see the people, didn’t see them in a while. At 10 I was in church, we sat down after the mass, and I left at 12. Didn’t wanna go home yet or do anything, so I visited my cousin, he had breakfast studied a bit, then my father called for me. I went home, we had barbecue, then my brother needed some company so I left with him, straight from there met some friends and went for a walk.
After that coincidence lead to me setting with a person responsible for 80% of my urges for the past 2 years, which I was kinda keeping distance from, but still didn’t help me. I’m glad that we were able to sit and talk, and I’m glad that I didn’t go for s**, but rather stay clean.

Thank God for all

I pray that this night doesn’t affect my streak and doesn’t weaken my efforts no matter how tempting the situation was. God fill me with your holly spirit, purify my mind and thoughts, control me, protect me and help me keep up the efforts to be better. I love you my lord, you’re my saviour, my life.
For Jesus with Jesus and in Jesus. Amen

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