Rab's second Diary [24M]

I wish to cry, when feeling like its a dead end, I’m gonna hit a wall, fail, when I’m panicking, I wish I can cry. Something doesn’t let me. My brain just numb all the feeling drug me and I wait to meet my destiny and take the hit. I wish to cry to let all out, but I’m feeling like shit and I can’t let go. I begged a friend at some point, plz beat me up I wanna feel something, I want to cry, to take deep breaths after that crying.

I’m panicking and stressed, and feeling drugged can’t do anything, just breathing passing the time.

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قلقان، أشياء صغيرة لإلي بحسها كبير وبتخوف. مش عم بقدر اقوم من التخت، خايف اروح عالتعليم وحدا يسألني شو الوضع، او المحاضرة تسألني لي مسلمتش الوظيفة.

وظايف كثير، مش ملحق حتى افحصهن. بروح متأخر وتبعبان وخايف، كش عم بقدر اساوي اشي والضغط بس بيزيد. بجرب أفهم ليش انا خايف ويمكن بعرف، بس محدا رح يفهمني. اكثر اشي خايف افشل خايف الناس تحكم علي. عشت حياة يا أنا الأول ولازم اضل ابرز حالي عشان يكون الي وجود، وغير هسك انا بلا قيمة وما الي حدا. طل قيمتي واحترامي أجا من علاماتي،، واسا رح اخسر هاد الاشي.

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I’m on day 7,

I’m scared of failing, not being enough. I don’t want to leave my bed. Cause when I meet people then I need to keep pretences that I’m happy, strong, etc… Faking it means getting numb and pushing all feelings inside, and eventually will erupt, or in my case I’ll just freeze get to a point that I can’t get myself to do anything.

The semester isn’t going as I expected, I wasn’t planning for such thing :confused:

Idk what’s the solution, being stuck in this feeling and losing the ability to function on my daily life, was enough reason to relapse, cause I can’t afford resting and not doing my job. not that I would do it of I relapse, but it’s just an escape.

Idk what to do honestly
In general life is good but this moment I’m not feeling good

I wish I can cry, it would release so much stress. For some reason tears don’t fall

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Its 9:45 pm

I’m still working, got a task in hand, and got exam Tomo and project and assignments to do.

It all fell at once without previous notice
With every minute passes it hard and hard to breath.
I’m stressed, currently thinking how can I finish my work and revise for tomorrow, leave other tasks for different day.

I don’t think I can finish my work and revise, cause I don’t know what I’m doing exactly I’m figuring it all out one step at a time.

Today I had strong urges, alot of fantasizing it was hard to not think about it, it lasted couple minutes, I felt like shit, didn’t dwell on it nor touch myself.

Idk :no_mouth::neutral_face:

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Oof :face_exhaling::persevere::sweat_smile:
I always wish that urges disappear , sexual thoughts and fantasies disappear like if it doesn’t exist anymore. I’m on day 12, and still wondering if I had an opportunity to re-live en experience what would I do, how would I react? Cause it felt good and I still desire it, desires not fading, just sitting there asking the same question over and over again, "what would you do if you had the chance again? "

This question opens up alot of fantasies. I can’t deny it, I liked it. i knoe it’s not good for me and its just temporary, but idk. I still wish for it in some extent.

God you know my thoughts and desires, you know what I lives and experienced, you know me well. Guide me along the way to be a good man.

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My brother, urges will never disappear. We will continue to be tempted for the rest of our lives. We’ve spent years indulging in sexual immorality; the memory of those sins won’t go away simply because we’ve stopped the activity.

There is hope though. I’m only a month free so far, and the urges are already much weaker and less frequent. It’s much easier to continue. And this happens as we keep going, they get weaker and less frequent. Every now and again urges will pop up, but we’ll be able to make it through each one.

Last week, I spoke to someone who’s 10 years PMO-free. They were advising me that they had urges that same week, but they said that they couldn’t go back after 10 years clean; they just refused to do it. They couldn’t undo all that hard work and forget everything God had blessed them with on their journey. So you see, it’s not urges that are the problem, but what we do when we get urges.

You are being honest with yourself. It is true for all of us. We did it because some part of us really liked it. But the pleasure ends, and we feel even more miserable and worthless afterwards. It’s not worth it. There’s an excellent reason why God didn’t want us to do these things: He was trying to protect us from ourselves and the worst parts of our nature.

The good thing is that we have free will. We don’t have to do everything we desire to do. We do not have to follow every temptation that comes into our minds. The way of escape is always near, and we do not need to listen to the enemy’s voice. We can say that no matter how pleasurable it may seem in the beginning, in the end, it will always ruin our lives, and we are done ruining our lives.

Do not entertain any sexual fantasy or allow the flashbacks of previous scenes and images to remain in your mind. Banish them all. All of these feed the urges and allow the temptation to grow stronger.

May God bless you and guide you to this; may it indeed be so.

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I hate to admit it but sometimes when I am not indulging in studies and career little bit scenes of P and face of some P actresses comes to my mind and I get scared. And you know my streak is in 3 digits.

But what did I do? I told myself that in a day we have thousands of thoughts, it’s one among them and I know from experience thoughts go away as quick as they come if we don’t act instantaneously.

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Wise words, spoken like a true king. :fire::100::crown: When we don’t engage those thoughts, they’ll leave just as quickly as they came. That is the solution. We can’t prevent them from coming, but we can make the right decision when they show up.

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This is the only thing required to quit PMO.
But our brain starts injecting doubts and that’s where we lose, and that’s why winning over it for a long time is required to create this new norm.

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24/2/24 1AM

Well, I wake up without alarm at 7am, but I’m not excited for the day so I stay in bed, try to talk myself out of it. With the stress of university classes, I wake up with bad mode, so I either have go drug myself with dopamine dose for an hour to wake up, or try to talk myself out of this mode to be able to actually wake up.

I woke up with wierd urge to clean the car and read and practice Piano, but been terrified of my project, so couldn’t actually do anything, cause I’m trying to calm down and maybe then I can go study.

I didn’t do anything, well nothing of my study … I washed some clothes played piano , had a shower, had coffee, then had breakfast, then went to work.

I was done at 18:00, and was supposed to have zoom meeting with my partner, she told me she’s sorry but she can’t today, … I said alright lets just talk for a minute, I sharedy concerns with her and that I’m thinking to drop this course, then she said she’s thinking about it as well.

So I didn’t want to drop out so I don’t harm her, and ahe didn’t want to to drop it to not harm me. Then I said we already paid for it, let’s learn it but not think about the exam & project, we’ll just do it next semester (worst case scenario) with that we didn’t have a zoom meeting and didn’t study. it lefted a huge weight of my shoulders.

Now I can actually read books and practice piano and work! Cause I’m relieved.

I have work in 8 hours or so. Then I’ll go to church.

I had urges just in the morning,
i have this bad habit, to keep going in life, I need constant dopamine dose, Its either social media, or I start thinking about sexual stuff to numb my stress and motivate myself to move.

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2AM, I still can’t sleep. I had strong fantasies, I’m concerned of nightfall. 13 days with no pmo,day 14 in the process, usually I get wet dreams around day 14 :confused:

It’s awful, I’m having these strong urges, there isn’t anything I can do at this time of the night.

I had some coffee yesterday at 12:30pm, like 14 houra ago, and that’s why I can’t sleep, my body doesn’t handle coffee well, It stays in my system for many many hours

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3 AM, I can’t sleep

God, I’m so lonely at this time. Alot of urges rising up from “what if” questions, fantasies based on past experiences

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بإسم الله
:face_exhaling:

لما بلاقي حالي بموقف عاطل، بكره حالي وبجرب اجبر حالي واعاقب حالي وأأذي نفسي. يعني اضغط عحالي بطرق سلبية تأعمل الشغل وأحسن الوضع.

انا ربيت هيك،اذا مش مآمن بشغلة مش رح اعملها، الحل كف كفين من ابوي او حدا، ، وحل ثاني عزلة وين كل الناس بتبطل تتعرف علي.

الحلو انه بآمن بقدراتي وبعقلي, ولما تنزل مصايب عالعالم انا العنوان.
بس لما ييجي الاشي لإلي ما بعرف احب حالي وادعم حالي، بصير أأذي حالي ، عشان اجبر حالي زي ماكنو يجبروني ويعاملوني وانا وصغير. بكره حالي وبأذي حالي، عم بتصارع مع أفكاري ومش قادر اتحمل.

بعد ساعات ، بهرب من هذا الواقع مش قادر اتحمل افكاري السلبية ، بلاقي حالي رايح على افلام اباحية او اي فعالية جنسية. مرة مرتين ثلاثة لحد ما اصير اتوجع من الاشي.

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You don’t deserve the abuse that’s happened to you, brother. It’s sad to see how people have mistreated you in the past. You deserve love and kindness. You are worthy of good things in your life.

Therapy would be a good idea to help work through past trauma, if that’s available to you. But one thing that you can definitely do for yourself is not cause yourself any further harm. PMO is a strange beast, on one side it brings us pleasure, but we can also use it to punish ourselves, to make ourselves feel worse and mistreat ourselves as we have been mistreated by others in the past. But we don’t have to punish ourselves. We are on this journey to be better, and we are trying to be good people. That is the message of forgiveness, that He will take us back to Him when we turn to Him and away from our sins.

Never lose hope brother. Keep going.

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I do really wish I have more friends and more people around me, I pray for that. God gives me everything I ask for, and much more, he protects me and guide me and pave the way for me. When it comes to people my faith is weak, God present good people around me, but I always set this barrier and this fear, that they might jusge/hate me or even share the news to all people to hurt my reputation, just the thought of homosexuality, I really want to have friends, and don’t want to lie or fake anything, I want to be honest and true. But for me to trust people on this thing still difficult. I should have more faith.

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I give up so quickly to sexual thoughts, fantasies. I go drain myself to get red of this feeling, clear my head and focus on another thing.
If I don’t then my fantasy gets stronger, my head will be occupied, can’t think clearly, I feel like I’m pulled into a black hole that I can’t escape, Like when the thought comes I know my destiny is to relapse.

All I know is how to beat myself up for it, but not really how to deal with it. So I think, I can either accept it, or beat myself.

I think nofap made me obsessed with it, I’ve tried for years even before the app, and all I know life is difficult, and I keep falling any punishing myself for it. I should accept that sexual stuff/acts are part of life, and that I have needs. I think then I will be able to detach from this habit, when is no longer a big deal, when I’m no longer obsessed.

About life, I wake up 6:30 am, I stay in bed and keep pushing it. I keep escaping and avoiding doing my responsibilities, and submitting assignments in delay.
Its cause by 3 reasons, Fear of failure, running after desires (momentary pleasures) , believing that I’m bad and don’t deserve the good I have.

Based on last year grades, I made it top 3% in both subject I’m learning, theoretically I’m getting a scholarship, they called and mailed about it, yet I feel some wrong intention happening, as if politics playing a round and they might take a hit at me and try to not give me the scholarship. Will see about that. . . .
As of this year , this semester I was forced to give up one course which will delay me, but still shouldn’t affect my average. That’s it for this update

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Palm Sunday at last, and one more week to go

I want to say, with all the urges and all the messed up thoughts I have, I feel like I’m evil, relapsing over and over, and giving up to the thoughts only strengthen this believe that I’m bad. If I had the power, I think I would’ve used it for bad to drag others down so I feel good about myself. But since I have a brain, I see the beyond my actions, and I know that I’m not strong enough to do evil, cause it will bounce back at me , then what?. So I bave deeply rooted thoughts that I’m weak and evil.

Ooof, it kills me that I’m blessed with alot alot, more than you guys could imagine, and I’m still so weak, helpless. I can’t do things to help better my situation, and many times I feel I’m ignorant or stupid. I can’t do good for myself and I fear of doing bad, cause once I give up on myself more and do more bad I know it’s really hard to become good again, I lost good parts before and still struggling to retrieve it, so I’m trying to limit my loses here,. However, I can help othwrs in very specific cases, I have the energy and power to do so, but many times I feel ignorant, cause there is huge gap between my world and the people, I don’t know what music they listen to, what they like, in other cases I tend to always forget the materials, so I can’t help in stuff I learned last semester.

Last, with all that being said, I push myself away from good people that love me, afraid of them seeing these parts, or thinking I’m not good enough, I can’t even clear my thoughts about them/around them. I feel that I’m so great, cause I’m blessed with alot, yet at the same time I feel so little that I can’t make myself better, or can’t help others cause I’m ignorant.

I hope you all have a blessed Plam Sunday, I kneel down to Jesus, may he purify me and guide me.

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You aren’t ignorant or evil. We all (fappers/nofappers and nonfappers) have these thoughts. It’s just a human thing.
People have a lot more to themselves deep down that ‘we’ don’t share.

We aren’t perfect. We are weak, sinful people, we can’t undo mistakes, and that’s okay, all people have the same.

Keep your eyes and heart open to others. We never know what someone may be going through.

God bless you bro

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I’m terrified of not being accepted, of being judged, of people disliking me, and then I’m terrified that people won’t accept me unless I was perfect or at least far ahead of them. Then I’m terrified of failing
Then I’m terrified of even trying.
Then I’m just exsisting and not living

I’m a master of telling people what they wanna hear, I need to talk to them sense them and give the right answer without ever understanding it.

I’m terrified of living

I’ve got assignments and exams can’t get myself to do them, cause I’m terrified.
I’m super focused during the lectures that I got top of my class in exams. But I can’t get myself to study.

Now I got assignment, my body is shaking, my heart rate racing, my breathing, I end up eating too much junk food, finding any excuse, or even hurting myself.

Of course I go then to pmo, irrationally.

I won’t blame myself or hate myself for doing so, I’m just sick I’m not evil. I could hurt myself in minor ways to try to distract myself from this feeling of being terrified.

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Bro i would say your fear actually comes from PMO. It steals your energy and amplifies your fear. And you then do PMO due to fear, that’s a vicious cycle. Don’t allow that!

All these fears do not make sense! They’re not rational! Just think about it with a little logic: why others will accept you when you’re far ahead of them? Do you really think so? Most people tend to accept those similar to them. You try to become the best version of yourself, that’s good, but that’s your own choice, it has no business to how others judge you.

Think reversely! You want to be perfect, so you must go through trial and error until you overcome all difficulties. You need to overcome all difficulties, so you must give it a try to see what’s your weakness and then improve it!

If you really feel anxious about not being accepted, just come in this forum, we are all rooting for you :slightly_smiling_face:

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