Rab's second Diary [24M]

I wish to cry, when feeling like its a dead end, I’m gonna hit a wall, fail, when I’m panicking, I wish I can cry. Something doesn’t let me. My brain just numb all the feeling drug me and I wait to meet my destiny and take the hit. I wish to cry to let all out, but I’m feeling like shit and I can’t let go. I begged a friend at some point, plz beat me up I wanna feel something, I want to cry, to take deep breaths after that crying.

I’m panicking and stressed, and feeling drugged can’t do anything, just breathing passing the time.

قلقان، أشياء صغيرة لإلي بحسها كبير وبتخوف. مش عم بقدر اقوم من التخت، خايف اروح عالتعليم وحدا يسألني شو الوضع، او المحاضرة تسألني لي مسلمتش الوظيفة.

وظايف كثير، مش ملحق حتى افحصهن. بروح متأخر وتبعبان وخايف، كش عم بقدر اساوي اشي والضغط بس بيزيد. بجرب أفهم ليش انا خايف ويمكن بعرف، بس محدا رح يفهمني. اكثر اشي خايف افشل خايف الناس تحكم علي. عشت حياة يا أنا الأول ولازم اضل ابرز حالي عشان يكون الي وجود، وغير هسك انا بلا قيمة وما الي حدا. طل قيمتي واحترامي أجا من علاماتي،، واسا رح اخسر هاد الاشي.

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I’m on day 7,

I’m scared of failing, not being enough. I don’t want to leave my bed. Cause when I meet people then I need to keep pretences that I’m happy, strong, etc… Faking it means getting numb and pushing all feelings inside, and eventually will erupt, or in my case I’ll just freeze get to a point that I can’t get myself to do anything.

The semester isn’t going as I expected, I wasn’t planning for such thing :confused:

Idk what’s the solution, being stuck in this feeling and losing the ability to function on my daily life, was enough reason to relapse, cause I can’t afford resting and not doing my job. not that I would do it of I relapse, but it’s just an escape.

Idk what to do honestly
In general life is good but this moment I’m not feeling good

I wish I can cry, it would release so much stress. For some reason tears don’t fall

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Its 9:45 pm

I’m still working, got a task in hand, and got exam Tomo and project and assignments to do.

It all fell at once without previous notice
With every minute passes it hard and hard to breath.
I’m stressed, currently thinking how can I finish my work and revise for tomorrow, leave other tasks for different day.

I don’t think I can finish my work and revise, cause I don’t know what I’m doing exactly I’m figuring it all out one step at a time.

Today I had strong urges, alot of fantasizing it was hard to not think about it, it lasted couple minutes, I felt like shit, didn’t dwell on it nor touch myself.

Idk :no_mouth::neutral_face:

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Oof :face_exhaling::persevere::sweat_smile:
I always wish that urges disappear , sexual thoughts and fantasies disappear like if it doesn’t exist anymore. I’m on day 12, and still wondering if I had an opportunity to re-live en experience what would I do, how would I react? Cause it felt good and I still desire it, desires not fading, just sitting there asking the same question over and over again, "what would you do if you had the chance again? "

This question opens up alot of fantasies. I can’t deny it, I liked it. i knoe it’s not good for me and its just temporary, but idk. I still wish for it in some extent.

God you know my thoughts and desires, you know what I lives and experienced, you know me well. Guide me along the way to be a good man.

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My brother, urges will never disappear. We will continue to be tempted for the rest of our lives. We’ve spent years indulging in sexual immorality; the memory of those sins won’t go away simply because we’ve stopped the activity.

There is hope though. I’m only a month free so far, and the urges are already much weaker and less frequent. It’s much easier to continue. And this happens as we keep going, they get weaker and less frequent. Every now and again urges will pop up, but we’ll be able to make it through each one.

Last week, I spoke to someone who’s 10 years PMO-free. They were advising me that they had urges that same week, but they said that they couldn’t go back after 10 years clean; they just refused to do it. They couldn’t undo all that hard work and forget everything God had blessed them with on their journey. So you see, it’s not urges that are the problem, but what we do when we get urges.

You are being honest with yourself. It is true for all of us. We did it because some part of us really liked it. But the pleasure ends, and we feel even more miserable and worthless afterwards. It’s not worth it. There’s an excellent reason why God didn’t want us to do these things: He was trying to protect us from ourselves and the worst parts of our nature.

The good thing is that we have free will. We don’t have to do everything we desire to do. We do not have to follow every temptation that comes into our minds. The way of escape is always near, and we do not need to listen to the enemy’s voice. We can say that no matter how pleasurable it may seem in the beginning, in the end, it will always ruin our lives, and we are done ruining our lives.

Do not entertain any sexual fantasy or allow the flashbacks of previous scenes and images to remain in your mind. Banish them all. All of these feed the urges and allow the temptation to grow stronger.

May God bless you and guide you to this; may it indeed be so.

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I hate to admit it but sometimes when I am not indulging in studies and career little bit scenes of P and face of some P actresses comes to my mind and I get scared. And you know my streak is in 3 digits.

But what did I do? I told myself that in a day we have thousands of thoughts, it’s one among them and I know from experience thoughts go away as quick as they come if we don’t act instantaneously.

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Wise words, spoken like a true king. :fire::100::crown: When we don’t engage those thoughts, they’ll leave just as quickly as they came. That is the solution. We can’t prevent them from coming, but we can make the right decision when they show up.

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This is the only thing required to quit PMO.
But our brain starts injecting doubts and that’s where we lose, and that’s why winning over it for a long time is required to create this new norm.

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