Hey bro, thanks you for checking on me.
I’m better.
Have my moments of anger and sadness but in general im pretty good.
We have war going on,
Bot sides in total 15k dead, 5k are children… And only around 1k army. 35k+ badly injured.
I hope it end soon, God help all war victims.
I’ve job, income, university will start next year. Got alot of free time. I should arrange it and use it.
I hope this war gets over soon.
Glad to hear that you are doing better now. You can look for some hobbies or learn some skills in your free time.
Well 
Another relapse, its not just the relapse its what comes after it. Feeling that I’m not in control, having bad thoughts, thinking about close people to me and feeling I need to protect them from my filth, involuntary erection more often. Feeling that I’m bad, losing connection with my religion and God. Void. Trying to tell myself and convince myself that I’m not bad. With every failure its harder not to think that I’m bad or that I’m unworthy and don’t deserve good things. It’s just sad and frustrating.
Today I’ve been out since 11am and until 11pm, and first thing I do, is relapse.
I picked my grandmother and went to visit a relationships in the hospital, just unexpected accident and unexpected surgery. After that I had a therapy session, I talked about how I’m always have my concern that people won’t accept me but even attack me, and I fear physical attack and shit where I have no other choice but to go full brutal mode. Later played piano some place for myself, had conversation with a guy about war shit. Then went to prayer group then went out with them . Then got home and relapsed.
Went through range of emotions today, and I still carry it all. In the prayed group was expecting to see people, but I didn’t, met new people wasn’t comfortable with them, particularly one new guy. And the whole going out was a mistake, I didn’t feel I belong, this guy is poison to me. Fcking rich guy talking about him wasting his parents money with joy and pride. And others loving it, they had chemistry with him.
God did his part, I was too tired to do mine. I drove around 4 hours, my back and neck were hurting me bad.
Not relapted to nofap
God I beg you.
I keep having same nightmare, someone attack me and the family and shot us one after another. And i freeze and can’t help them or myself. Or I escape alone or i die first. Many scenarios same concept. I’m terrified of this. I’m terrified that one day it will happen and I’ll be terrified to the point that i freeze and don’t help. The feeling is that’s the end and I’m helpless.
Maybe the war it can trigger such a thing, but long before that I had this nightmare. I can’t help anyone i freeze. i get attacked, gun shots.
My reality were there is no security, the police is brutal and threat to the people. The people are dangerous. A country of self service, help yourself cause no one is gonna help you.
By the age of 18 and even before 12, somehow I’ve been put in so many situations of life and death, and my reaction was freez. Got attacked, they decided to kick me puncn me … And leave me be. Why should I be in reality were I’m always scared of getting killed. My people/community isn’t my community.
I was raised that they have weapons, if they curse you, hit you whatever, don’t react just let them, cause if you do they have loads of weapon the they do use it.
I beg God for mercy and protection,in my heart I beg God for my life and for my family’s Life . Starting yesterday I pray everyday for bravely and wisdom.
I woke up terrified I had to distract myself from this nightmare. Good night again 
لا أعلم ما العمل، أملك الوقت لكني افتقد التحفيز والدافع.
أشعر بالوحدة، إذ أتمنى لو كنت مع صديق او عائلة أو زميل، وأظن أن هذا في أعلى سلم رغباتي … لكن في الوقت الحالي يتوجب أعلي أن أتقدم وأعزز قدراتي .
في الواقع كل هذا غير مهم، فقط يرضي الناس فلا ينفرو مني بل يعطوني فرصة.
نظريا أنا موجود في ظروف ممتازة. إذ أعمل ولم أنهي شهادتي بعد وكل المطلوب أن أطور قدراتي وأتقدم. لي عائلة وسقف يئويني، سيارة لأتنقل. فعلا كل ما ينقصني هو رفيق.
مع كل هذا أشعر أنه لا زال ينقصني الكثير حتى أشعر أنني ذي قيمة، ,انني كافٍ.
أشعر بالملل والحزن، لست بحاجة لمهام إضافية إذ أن العمل لا ينفذ ولدي الكثير الكثير من الأعمال بإنتظاري. لكن ما من محفز و ما من دافع. ليس عندي رغبة أو أمنية
I want someone to be with me, spend time with me. Maybe just count hours, someone staying just in case I need anything, and even if don’t ask for anything, for the sake of not leaving me alone is enough for him/her.
I was a child 9-10, I used to ask my parents just sit with me. They reply, you are capable of doing your homework well without us. And they never came, for the sake of just being around me. God 
my happy hours the past year, i meet with a friend, done nothing had coffee and just sat for hours. It was good enough for me. Knowing someone don’t mind being with me, at the moment, right now, and that was enough.
People reading this, will have an opinion on how weak and childish I am. Well, it doesn’t make me bad person, maybe weak and lonely, and that’s the very human thing.
I wanted to confess and share personal things, trust my friends with these parts of me. All I needed from them to be with me, unfortunately many determined I’m not worthy of their time. However, 2 in the past were patients with me. They were they when I asked for them, not once but many times, and that meant I can trust them with my burden.
Another friend, I walked with him houndreds of km, before i was able to come clear with him and come out. Cause it wasn’t easy for me, but he was with me. Didn’t need a reason and hours of convincing to be with me, he simply was.
These people, our lifes turned us apart from each other. they got busy eventually. But it was a nice time.
People say you don’t appreciate things until they pass, will I do, I did, and the memory lives.
As simple as it can be, the only thing I ask for, is someone to be with me.
6/12/23 8am
Here we are, I’m struggling every morning to get out of bed. Can’t wake up before scrolling for some time. Im being lazy, and feeling down in general. So I’ll try to write my day, starting here and now, hopefully get my self started, without scrolling.
8:05am, I Should eat something, and get ready and leave around 8:30-45.
Got piano lesson with great teacher. I’m not ready for today’s lesson, couldn’t practice much so mostly hoping I read fast enough.
I’ll be done at 11:30, I got work starting at 15:30. So I can either go straight to work. or can afford doing short visit to my sister.
At 19:30 I finish work for the day, then we have short practice and going straight to the studio to record something. I think my day will be over around 10pm.
I have some time here and there I could use to practice piano. got I have to prepare some Christmas songs for coming events, lots of events, so idk, I’ll try to find an hour to work on that.
God has trusted me, and he’s preparing me, throwing at me responsibilities and commitment. if he says I can make it in music, then its a worthy investment. Through it I can get to every heart.
Last night I ended at the church, it was amazing. After that i had work, and was back home after midnight.
Been thinking, in despair, that I don’t have solution to any of my problems and struggles. I just have tiny steps that makes it a bit better. Like organising my sleep schedule and my diet, and keeping my phone away from my bed.
Starting small, tonight I’ll keep my phone away. Idk how to organise my sleep or diet, its a bit complicated for me. Will start with the phone
6/12/23 11:00 PM
My day went as planned, I didn’t scroll much on my phone, barely did. I think I spen 10-20 minutes playing. Had less work to do that i thought.
Had a chance to practice by myself after my piano lesson. At the studio was great, will wait patiently for the outcome, after all the mastering and mixing.
I’m writing here to concentrate. I’m tired, but I’m not statifide with my day, it was good, but I still have the feeling I’m missing something and that I need more.
Usually I go to random chat Webs and waste myself there, and eventually sleep when im fully exhausted, and still sleep with the feeling of I didn’t have enough.
I don’t have the words to describe it, idk.
Im tired, I can’t solve my problems, but can help myself and care for myself. Maybe work out a bitz haven’t done that in ages. And take shower , brush my teeths. Keep my phone away and go to bed. I’ve been ignoring all those lately.
I’m feeling a bit lonely.
Tomorrow I have work in mid day, for few hours. So I have all the morning to practice by myself. Maybe 45 minutes classical, 15 m break, then 45 Christmas stuf, 15 break… got like 3 events coming soon. No need to stress 
Sceeen time for the day
1am update, im stressed, my mind trying to distract itself by thinking about s**,
My face muslces are hurting and so my brain, cause of the stress. I’ve had coffee today, my body reacts bad with it, I should quit it and everything with caffeine.
Phone away, good night
maybe if I had someone to sit with, I’d be happy…
all I want is someone who doesn’t mind having me around…
I don’t want to burden others with my sadness and personal issues…
I share these feelings with you, and I admire your honesty. I am cheering for you… no matter how low you reach.
Thank you my friend 
7/12/23 8 Pm
Speaking of low, its a low day 
I barely practiced an hour, and had work for couple hours only.
What matters to me, that I lost control of everything.
My family they’re all stressed out, and take it out on each other, today was my turn to take their shit on me. Was just tiny argument, but it feels bad as hell. They go all in against someone. It shouldn’t be like this.
No one wants to speak about what’s going on with them, and tension builds up until they explode. And they made it clear many times, they don’t want to hear anything of my life. There is nothing I can do…
I’ve had a headache, and it’s still going. every time I eat my body reacts badly. Eating is a hard task sometimes not worth it.
The 2 hours at work, were pretty bad. I hope tomorrow goes well.
I can keep complain for ever. Got no one to call or talk to or chat. Hell.
The first half of the day, could distract my mind from think about pmo, and s** . Been in a store, and my d*** won’t calm down. Not that I’m attracted to someone. I was just feeling bad, and my brain seeking dopamine or some drug.
I’m sitting in the car, I don’t want to get home, don’t want to speak to my mother or father. or any family. Those look for an opportunity to get me wrong. Look for an opportunity to say or prove that I’m bad, that I said something wrong, or acted wrong. Just condemn me guilty and leave me alone.
7/12/23 11:48 PM
Update, I had dinner with the family. And they listened to some stuff. We just were together, didn’t have to say much or do much, just sit together for the sake of being together nothing more. No TV no distractions. It was simple and beautiful.
I’m feeling better, headache got stronger, but I’m happier. I’ve practiced more piano, so was good. I didn’t suffer while doing it . Just simply being able to sit with people u love, and all of us being conscious together, not only physically together but mind and soul together, it shift focus to positive things, and erase some negative things. It meant alot for me.
23:55 atm, got to wake up at 6, tomorrow we start activities at school for tiny childer about Christmas, and Christ.
Practice piano, brushed my teaths, had a shower, now will keep my phone away from bed. These tiny actions should help a little.
Good night all
8/12/23 5:58AM,
I should wake up in 2 minutes 
Headache still going, I’m definitely sick or something.
I didn’t sleep, worried to much about today. And been singing a song in my head all night, it didn’t stop.
My sleep experience wasn’t fulfilling, I need 10 more hours. Anyways, 
I should just wake up
9/12/23 22:40
I’ve finished work last night at 9pm, I was dead tired. A friend called, so I had dinner and went to meet him, had few drinks, and slept at 1am. I think I should’ve not go to meet him.
I had work today 11:00-18:00, was tiring, I had a headache, not feeling well.
I didn’t practice piano, or work out, or anything. Idk 
not much urges, sexual thoughts rise up every now and then. So far all good. 5 days behind me.
I’m gonna keep my phone next to my head tonight, I feel like chatting on random chats online, but it’s probably a bad idea. I’m tired and distracted , shouldn’t do much , will just sleep.
10/12/23 10:20 PM
I got home not long ago. I didn’t practice piano today, knowing that I have homework to do, new peaces to learn before my lesson. And I got concerts coming this month, I have alot alot to practice. Its huge responsibility and I can’t mess up.
I went to the church in the morning, after that visited my sister, they needed help, so I traveled there couple hours, to do nothing :/. Wasted my day, cause they struggled and suffered doing the things I were supposed to help them with, but they didn’t wait for me, even though its not urgent. So they wasted my time and did hurt themselves doing it alone.
I need to feel like I’m making some progress, i need to practice, but I’m tired for it now, and there is alot alot to do.
I have to pack up my car for tomorrow , got work pretty early as well.
Every single minute I have an excuse why not to practice…
Day 6 done, day 7 ongoing
11/12/23 1:35 AM
I can’t sleep for many reasons, I did work out a bit though. And that’s a good thing.
Well, here we go
Just simple a thought. Sometimes, we get mad and frustrated cause things didn’t go as we anticipated. Cause things didn’t go as we imagined, or things jumped off, out of no nowhere, and ruined our plans.
Well, you see all this frustration. Its because you were planning, and you were going, and very attached and closed minded to you plan/goal. But your plan isn’t necessary what’s written for you. Maybe it’s not going according to your plan, but its going according to his plan. God’s plan. He will keep tilting your journey , pushing you, till you meet your purpose. And trust that what’s waiting for you, is amazing and better than what you could ever imagine.
So next time, things don’t go your way, try to remember “its interesting, lets see what’s God preparing me for, what’s waiting for me?” Just be curious and excited about your journey. 
I’ve seen so many new borns , babies, the last few weeks. And it gote thinking and wondering. I don’t know anything about them, how will they look like when they grow up, what will they like, what decisions they will take ans where they will end up. And it’s amazing and exciting, like wow, they will be something. God already has a plan for them.
Remember, young me/you was used to wake up excited every day, can’t wait to see how it will go, and what will happen. Being a child, I’ve known happiness and joy. Cause I wasn’t worried much about my plan, but excited about his plan, and totally trusted him, and felt safe in his hands, knowing that he cares for me, he loves me, and I will end up okay.
So Trust him, and know that he loves you.and everything well end up fine.
I failed big time, lost to pmo
It feels hopeless, atm.
I’ve relapsed 3 times, and my dreams been sexual.
My circumstances have me pray and praise the lord, like more than anytime of the year. And I expect I see the light more and things get ligher ans easier. But its the time I felt weak, and relapsed alot and still fantasizing, even in my dreams.
Many times the problem is too big to be able to solve it. Sometimes we just can’t, or just don’t know the solution.
Anyways, regardless of that, there is always things that won’t solve the problem but will make life a tiny bit better. So we should commit to those tiny habits to make life slightly better, then we can see better and do better.
I should avoid coffee all day.
Stay away from screen first hour and last hour of the day.
Keep my phone away from bed.
Brush my teeths, …
.
.
.
.
18/12/2023
Title : fck my life
I’ve got zero friends, zero. I’ve acquaintances, but no friends. I have just my family, my parents and siblings.
I want to yell, curse, and keep at it. I want to slap my dead grandfather, he messed up, his children is just a living proof of how terrible he was. God forgive you what you’ve done, I never knew you, but you left messed up children.
My family is chias, the house is terrible, everything is. I’m angry as hell. Want to hit each one of them . Beat up my father. But I would never dare to harm any of them. I would never. Just angry and frustrated.
I wish God take me for some period and send me back later. or just take me for good.
Hold on Rab. I understand your pain and frustration. But you’re young and you can find the strength in you to overcome your circumstances. You cannot change another person’s thoughts and actions towards you, but you can control what matters to you and what you spend your energy on. Try to find some space and time (physically and metaphorically) away from the people who push your patience and goodness to breaking point. You need at least a moment to breathe.
