Rab's second Diary [24M]

At the end of my day, I’m feeling better. I’m home now with the family.

I’m tired I’m on my bed, but probably won’t sleep now, and won’t sleep well. probably would use my phone for an hour or so before sleep beats me.

At the end of the day, I look inside and say God I hadn’t had enough today, I’m starving for more, this day wasn’t enough for me, I need more good in it to call it a day, I don’t want the day to end, cause I want more good, I didn’t had enough. In another sense, I’m not satisfied, I don’t want it to end before I say “it was a good day”, but still needs more good to take the title.

So I’m tired as hell, but fighting sleep, sticking to my eyes staring at the phone, that’s what I would probably do, if it was any other day. But tonight we sleep.

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8/1/2023 13:49 Sunday
CS 3

I’m currently stressed cause lots of homeworks, classes, and projects. And close deadlines.

I also feel alone. In all this.

I either feel comfortable around people or I don’t. There is no in the middle. When I need to keep lookout over what I say, what I answer, make sure that it doesn’t give people hits about my sexuality. I ain’t comfortable.Some people may be great, but they won’t accept it.

So I found myself again building walls, keeping distance, watching out for what I speak. It’s hard to live like this.

When I feel like that I end up blaming myself and hurting myself and eventually relapsing.

I’m writing to tell myself, not to give up on me

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The mighty king has fallen
He did fall years ago, but people just started to realize it.

I always speak about what bothers me, and what hurts me and how it hurts me. How something could be harmful for me, how it will affect me directly.

As long as I’m standing tall, not crying on the ground, my family had put me at the back of their periority list, thinking he’s alright, nothing wrong with him. While I used to give all, put all, I was ignored, even though I have spoken, verbally talked about all the above. Why would someone put efforts to understand me, what I’m trying to say. ?

Last few years my mental health has crashed, I gave up on life basically, walking dead . A ghost walking among them. While they’re progressing their plans on my expense, and letting me drown more.

So now I kneel down and cry, give them depressed looks. Years of beginning for help didn’t do anything. Me kneeling, down, they knowing they may lose me. Today they called me , " we can’t handle seeing you like this, …" Long conversation of my mom then my sister. They are big part of my burden, they destroyed me. I love them I was ready to burn myself for them. And they knew that’s what they were doing, and that’s the sacrifice they asked me to do. While speaking to me, to check on me, I’m not allowed to express myself or my sister would snap at me. I’ve been very clear with them all my life. They chose to turn there back. Gaining trust is a challenge. Since they still don’t see how they harm me, they don’t think that at least some of what I’m saying may be right. They still choose to ignore it and blame me. I’m their robot. I’ve served my family for years. But they never repaired me, didn’t do any maintenance. Now I’m all broke on my knee, they come and clean the dust of me. How’s that gonna fix me. Time may heal, will see

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Great :confused:

Part of my music studying I have to play with university orchestra, they accepted for this project 3 pianists.
I had been in every practice, plus been training the choer as well.
We got concert next week, the other 2 pianists showed up, they miss half the notes, not ready. Didn’t practice alone and not with the orchestra as well.

We are supposed to play 3 songs, so seems like he’s gonna give them 2 pieces, when I was the one busting my ass , only pianist for the last 3 months.

There will be important concert after this small one, next month,

I’m angry and upset, for them choosing more than one pianist, and for giving them pieces. Just that I’m ready and they’re not, I showed up every week.

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Mentally I’m weak, I feel lonely, I feel life isn’t worth it, nothing worth the efforts.

I study and work, and more, to be with people, to feel I belong, I’m included somehow, somewhere.

I’m mentally broken, I definitely need help

I’m not shy to say it, ask people for help, in real life.
-You’re so strong and brave to ask for help, you’re not as weak, you don’t need help… And I’m alone again.

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I admit

  • sometimes I’m blind and arrogant, which prevents me from seeing where I fall short, my mistakes.
  • I don’t do things to get better, I do things to prove I’m better than. Again I’m arrogant, and I underestimate the potential and the value of people around me.
  • I do to impress people.
  • I seek attention, I for people to see me and admit my existence and value, one of my insecurities I look for people to give me my value, I feel worthless.
  • I don’t invest efforts, I don’t work hard, I showing off more than I do stuff.
  • I’m arrogant, I think I’m better than most, but I’m not, I judge all which is why I’m terrified everyone else might be judging people.
  • I don’t have friends, If I found person with dentical personality to mine I probably won’t befriend this person either.
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I replased last night, anyway

أنا تعبان،، الواحد بيضل ينسى ليش بعمل ،لي بتعلم لي عايش، الشغلات بتخسر قيمتها بمجرد ما نسيت لي بتعملها. صعب الواحد يكمل هيك.

لما بكتب بالعربي برتاح، حتى لو لغة عامية،، كل النهار الواحد يدرس ويتعامل مع ناس ويتصفح منصات التواصل الاجتماعي ومخ. يتغل بلغة غير لغته الام. بتعب الواحد .

بحس كل المواقع بتجرب تنلاعب فيك، كل محتوى بجرب يلعب فيك؛بدوخ الواحد،، راسك مشغول كل الوقت، وكل الي حواليك مشغولين كل الوقت، المعلومات المحتوى دوخهن ووترهن تعبهن. كل واحد بعالمه

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A month ago, i went in a trip, with my 'supposed to be my best & closest friend ’
Was my first trip ever abroad, we shared same room for 9 days

He’s well aware of my addiction, I’m addicted to everything related to sex,

Im trying my best, I trusted him with all, and trusted he’ll take care of me, and look out for me.

In the trip he was different person, someone totally driven by his desires,
He didn’t give me any space, and kept pushing, and triggering me, knowing it will destroy me.

This dude, he put his desires first, he didn’t think of me. My interest, how things affect me. He broke me.

Supposed to be my friend, who bush me toward my goals, and protect me. I did all to protect him, to take care of him.

5 days intro the trip, I fail, he won, he broke me.

Its been exactly a month since we took this trip, and exactly 3 weeks since I did dirty act. I’m trying to recover, it hit me hard, ruined me, corrupted my brain, soul,

I’m an addict I’ve struggled with sexual acts before at very young age, it sent me to depressed phase for years,

He acted like he cares, he’s lying to himself, he took a risk on me,

I’m weak, and I was trying my best to get better, but I can’t move 2 people, he did all to sabotage my progress, to make it harder, to drag me with him.

And then he came to me saying, oh its not a big deal, don’t be dramatic.
For me its a big deal, I’ve told him before how big the effects would be on me, how sex can destroy me. how dangerous all sexual stuff are. And I’m the addict, and he’s my friend who’s supposed to help me.

He totally betrayed me, to fulfill his fcked up desires

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Stay calm, learn from the past, don’t live in the past, life and situations repeats itself, so it easier than you think. Stay calm and try different approach. Don’t worry about tomorrow don’t make a list of all future obstacle. Don’t let depression or anxiety take over. Just live in the moment, be fully present. And remember situations repeats itself, and you’re part of the equation, you’re part of the relationship, so you do have power to change everything and turn things around. With Jesus and in Jesus, we can.

I tried to be fully present this week, not let depression or worries take over, I kept reminding myself…

  • you’re a good person, and you deserve good
  • I’m here to grow and fix myself not other people
  • I can get better even if others act as i wish, keep going forward, you can get things done without everything in the world going as smooth, if there is troubles out there it doesn’t have to stop my progress.

Sunday was good, Monday was great, Tuesday fck , Wednesday fck,

I’m trying to keep high mentality.

On Tuesday I had to help people so it ruined my schedule, I left the apartment at 7:30am, studied 6 hours, and got back to the apartment at 11pm, i had to change my schedule to help people,

  • one class mate had a seizure, it was just me with her, so i had to stay and comfort her for 3 hours, qnd i had to help another explain the project that we’re working on. And my therapist called cancel the meeting, its happening alot. So its been hard, i couldn’t sleep last night and it ruined all Wednesday until i relapsed a bit ago.

So there is this journey, walking this journey with all thats happening just feels alone. Feels like I’m waking this path alone. I know that no one can help me, but i wish I did have to walk this journey alone.

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Spoiler, This post is negative, if you’re looking for high spirit this isn’t the one .

What really sucks is being alone, and feeling lonely as hell, knowing all people know me when they need a saviour, when they need help and support. Talking about my real life. I only have official relationships. Friends with everyone, everyone love me and respect, but still got no friends. Friends woth everyone but i have no friends. Irony. I’m big when it comes to confessing my weaknesses and asking for help, yea, but no one cares to help or check on me. What really sucks me feeling lonely knowing that they alll know me, but not a single one of them is thinking about me.

No one is thinking about me. Thats real life, not worth living if you got no one in real life.

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عندما الجئ لفعل اي شيء لتجنب شعور، للهرب من شعور، عادة ما أبالغ. شخص يشرب للهرب يشرب ويشرب بدون توقف، لا يريد ان يشعر او ان يواجه واقعه المر، فيشرب الخمر بمبالغة بهدف التخدير والهرب. بينما شخص يشرب لانه حقا جوهريا يحب الخمر (وليس نفاقا ككثيرين “احب الكحول”، بل هم يحبون الهرب والتجنب), شخص كهذا، يشرب بالمناسبات السعيدة المريحة ولا يسرف، كأسة او جغمة، ويكتفي ويكون سعيدا.

شخص غير متوتر وغير كئيب، يدخن كعادة اجتماعية على فنجان قهوة مع صديق،،بينما شخص يهرب يدخن بكثرة وبدون توقف، وينهي بتخين حشيشة ويتابع ويبالغ.

كل منا يحاول الهرب احيانا، فمثلا احدق للشاشات ل 12 ساعة يوميا،، هربا…، بينما شخص يفعلها فعلا للمتعة، يشاهد شيئا لقليل من الوقت ويكتفي.

…والجنس كذالك الأمر

كل هذة الاشياء خطيرة، ويؤثر كثيرا السبب الخفي من جراء اللجوء اليها , اسباب ودوافع وطاقات سلبية لا بد ان ابالغ وان ادمن.

هكذا ادمنت على العادة السرية والافلام الاباحية.

اليوم انا اخشى التدخين والشرب والشاشات والجنس، لأني اعلم اني لا استطيع التحكم بنفسي وانت سأغرق واجرف الى داخلها لحظة تجريبها.

كل تجربة خضتها في هذه المجالات لا تزال في مخييلتي احاربها كل لحظة لكنها لا تضعف، ويمر الوقت وانكسر.

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I won’t dare to say his name or speak in his name, as I don’t deserve him

In the past, I’ve confessed about concrete stuff, physical actions. now I want to confess and regret the next

Confessed to adultery, I regret dwelling on these thoughts and reliving it in my mind, and I regret wishing if these moments would come back so i can live it again. I regret losing hope and giving up and choosing these thoughts and desires as my resort when things get hard. I regret infecting my mind and heart with these desires and letting it reside and grow in me.

I regret hating my friend, brother, parents,and family.
I regret judging them, i regret being hard on them, blaming them for their life situations, hardships and challenges. Condemned them guilty, weak and unworthy. I regret letting hatred control me.

I regret giving up on them and myself, I regret choosing comfort, seeking comfort at any cost. I regret trading them down for my comfort and safety.

I regret betraying a friend and giving up to my desire, whereas I should have looked for his better intrest.

I regret hating my sister, I regret yelling at my parents and trying my best to break my family down to protect myself when im afraid of their judging.

I regret giving up on good parts in me, for second of distraction or fake satisfaction.

I regret getting back at my family every time i got hurt from them, i regret hurting them back to “pretect myself”

I regret falling down for the idea “there is no other solution but to hurt and hate others” , I hate believing thay this is the only way.

I regret and hate not being able to trust in God when he have never ever failed me or turned me down.

Once (around age 13) I believed I can’t be good enough because of my sexual desires, I gave up on serving God, felt like i couldn’t and not allowed to
, cause I felt im filthy and can never be pure. That long ago I had desires but i wasn’t corrupted, later on I worshipped these desires. Now i wish to not act on these desires, and give myself more time to understand God.

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Once upon a time I was a kid, (I still didn’t digest this fact that I was, and not a kid anymore)
People didn’t care much about me, or i didn’t care about them. My relationship with God has always been bouncy, some periods I’m the divil, other days I’m a saint. When I weren’t busy torturing my friends I was close to God, or the least I was joyful that i had a God that loves me.

Then other kids started having urges and curiosity and I didn’t, so I was the odd one, or the saint one, until i realised I’m not I’m just homosexual…
The community thought me that homosexuality is huge sin, and that no one will love me and God won’t take my side either, the thought me that he will hate me. My mistake was to believe them, to take their side against myself.

God never said he hates me, or that he’s disappointed that I’m homosexual. I believed them over God. Thats where I tried to change, I tried every graceful and every divilish way I could think of at the time. I was 10-11, all i knew I feel nothing to girls i felt things and attractions to boys, but never meant something lustful, never gave it an idea.

Been years angry at God, that “he” abandoned me. And things never added up, never made since.
Like I know 3+5 = 8, but every time I calculate it I get other numbers, 10, 7, -59,… It was because people kept pushing parameters, numbers , exotic foreign numbers, that does not belong to my equation. that’s why it never felt right.

After years I noticed this foreign parameter, and when I removed it, it all made since, it was equal again, it was right.

Now that I know what’s war about, what were wrong, i need to make sure it doesn’t happen to me again.
God loves you no matter what, and people don’t define your relationship with God, neither speak in his name. God’s language is love.

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24.7.23

I got to Italy few days ago, all alone, this is the second time I fly somewhere. No body knows English here, Great :rofl:, full of emigrants. I got my phone, internet, and SIM, can search and contact anyone, it’s all I needed.

I had a hotel room all alone, was pretty tough to keep hight spirit and kill my urges, eventually they got me…

I’m attending quick piano course with great masters. Today I had my first lesson, was pretty stressful, all people speak Italian all my classmates seemed to get well together and with the teacher. When I had my private class the teacher dedicated alot of time and efforts to let me know how much I suck, yes I know. What sucks he doesn’t speak English, and thats the only message he did put effort to translate it to me.
Note that people here are not Italians, its international course, and neither is my professor. I know I suck and I don’t rise to the minimum international standard, even this one info wasn’t new to me. So it was hard to communicate during the class, I had to coppy and got another student to help me translate.

Problem here in Italy its either they don’t know English or they are high high level English, that I struggle to understand all from first time, with my humble low lvl English.

I don’t want to see anyone want to meditate on his message :man_in_lotus_position::man_in_lotus_position::man_in_lotus_position:

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There are places were you need to be alone, to form your decisions supported by your beliefs, and maybe you should not tell anyone. People will ask for whys, just just to test your beliefs, and then try to push their opinion in, if you crossed this part it turns to a matter of who’s better at the art of debate. Usually people will shake my building that I’m trying to build, and eventually changing the whole architecture, and then it’s not my building anymore, not supported by my beliefs and perspective but by others. This is pretty dangerous, and can be cold weakness.

I wish I could be in my word and let people in without them trashing it and twisting everything in it, maybe I’m weak, that I can’t handle people’s opinions without letting it shape me.

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This is depressive subject in light words

Feels like I’m fighting for their attention, care, respect. And I finally exsist to them when I don’t exist. Getting turned down, or unheard, over and over. No space for me, there is no space for my words and thoughts. Its all them. for them. As described in thier tongue.

I’m trespassing by just exsisting. they want me as they imagine me in their heads, want to shape me program me or train me. I’m an extension for their arm. Part of them. not a solo existing entity.
That’s all probably my fault, my responsibility to deal with it.

I don’t rely on them to exist, to be. I need to exist. I shouldn’t play by their rules. Their rules don’t exist to begin with. My actions and thoughts should be shaped by me. Doesn’t matter if I sometimes look similar to them, nothing wrong with that, and they don’t own me.

I shouldn’t share my opinion or thoughts unless I’ve been asked. Because otherwise it feels like I’m asking for permission or some confirmation for my thought. And no need to rely on them.

I shouldn’t share my opinions of myself with them, then it’s a topic for discussion. that’s not up to debate, not a democracy when it comes to my self perceivation. Just don’t mix their opinions with mine. Got nothing to prove, I exist for myself.

Either they take a leap of faith and bet on me or not. No energy should be wasted to prove anything to anyone, or convince anyone. They can have their doubts but they should work through it themselves. And my interaction with them should be based on that. like reflecting their faith back at them.

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Current War Streak day 5.
Current noFap Streak 4.

I’m the lucky one, my area is safe. We’re 2 hours from battle front. My whole family safe, none got injured.
Thank God for that :pray:

God help all war victims, on both sides. God have mercy on the living and the lost ones.

The vibe is: Idk what to do, what to feel, what to think.

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Take care brother
I hope the war gets over soon.

I’m sad as hell, I want someone to cry to, and I want a voice to tell me that everything’s gonna be alright. Sometimes my fears don’t make sense, but it’s there and I’m sometimes terrified even if I can’t put in words.

I want to face my nightmares and my anger and sadness, it seems like everything I do just temporarily distracts me from these negative feelings. I want to feel all the pain, and I want it to end. Life is tiring.

Me crying to people, people can’t handle it. each have his own packs, his own share of sadness and fears and doubts. They can’t carry my cross as well as theirs. My cross is my responsibility, only God can listen to me and tell that tomorrow is gonna be better.

I’m not depressed, but just I’m very sad.

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Hey man @Rab_J, how are you?
I hope you are better now.

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