Rab's second Diary [22M]

20/7/2022 23:58
I relapsed few hours ago.
I’m starting this diary to end negativity in the last one.

A short recap of my years, I’m 22 yo, with no degree, currently no job, starting university again, different subject next October. And supposed to have knee surgery, and I want to visit my brother in Italy, but all my life plans on hold until I know the date of the surgery.

Last October 23rd, I quit university, got job and went to psychotherapy sessions and still going. This October 23rd I’m trying new university New subject.
(23rd of October, mu birthday :sweat_smile:)

I won’t mention this for the rest of the diary, I’m gay Christian Arab lives in Nazareth, Israel. I’m rare specie. Idk why this is my sexuality, but I’m learning to love myself. :rainbow_flag::grin:

I don’t like the errands my family put on me, from work and business stuff, when I’m feeling down, I can’t do it. so …although I might not be functional on errands that associated with my family. I will commit to thing associated with myself and not them, and that’s my plan for the next 7 days, so that i feel better.

Starting tomorrow

  • I want to do tiny work out, 60 push ups, 30 squats, 30 lounges, 30 pull ups.
  • Practice piano one hour.
  • cold shower
  • read 5 pages

I couldn’t commit to anything this year, so I’ll start small, gradually will train my mind to do things outside of my comfort zone.


21/7/2022 16:15

Half day gone half day left
I’m pretty tired, gonna have lunch and nap and proceed. The day is going good despite being tired of lack sleep.
I did the small work out took me 15 minutes, and did the cold shower.

Update 23:33
Day one complete, I’m not gonna sleep yet, didn’t read 5 pages yet.

My cousin and I take turn on who spend the night with my grandmother, these 2 nights are mine, at least tonight I got beer and good dinner :stuck_out_tongue:

Last night I was at my grandmother’s, today I had breakfast with her, helped my ancle at work, visited my aunt, went home did my work out, took a cold bath, had lunch , played a game, helped my father and finished at 21:00, so as I said I want to commit to myself, I did practice piano, had another cold shower, then went to my grandmother, had dinner, had beer, now got 5 pages to read.

Since I don’t work, spending time with others, family, and helping a bit is good, better than most days. Less lonely. Challenging but it’s fun to challenge your mind.

My experience with cold shower was fun,
My mind telling me don’t do it, gave me million reasons to back off, so I opened the water, and when I touched it, all the reasons my mind gave me was confirmed. So I’m supposed to give up now? Lol
Then I told myself, cold shower won’t kill me, and just did it, kept this thought in my mind.

It was fun experience
And the way I felt after the shower was great, refreshing.

I want to train myself to go outside my comfort zone.

Thank God


22/7/2022 16:25

I was at my grandmother’s house, had breakfast, at 9 am went home, practiced piano (not what I planned, if I go back home I’ll do one hour classical music)
at 10:30-14:00 had work meeting, to get my tasks for the next 2 months. Had lunch and did run some errands.

Now I’m at my grandmother’s house, don’t have time to get back home, it her 90 birthday today, so everyone coming over in couple hours.

I have couple hours to do 3 tasks, workout shower and read,
If I went home I’ll practice

Update 6 minutes after midnight :

Today I did practice, I did workout and had cold shower, however I didn’t read

My aunt decided to go to my grandmother, so I was able to go home, I got home at midnight.

I’m exhausted, I went to the toilet, and I had an urges, I get them when I’m tired. I didn’t touch myself, just left the toilet, and here I’m in bed.

It was a good day, every second I don’t spend alone is good. I saw the whole family, 4 generations derive from my grandmother, and off course I play with the little kids, they are great.

I had 2 beers, I’m not used to alcohol, partially that’s why I’m tired. I shouldn’t drink much, and not every night.

I can’t read and focus unless someone here give me a little push.

Day 2 is over

23/7/2022 22:44

Today I wasn’t motivated, I stayed in bed all day, just got up to eat, at 20:00-22:00 I went to my cousin, now went to my grandmother.

I was sad, couldn’t deal with it, I relapsed.
I didn’t do any of my 4 daily tasks.

Tomorrow I’m going to church, last 3 Sundays I couldn’t go, so been a month since I was last at church.

Tomorrow is gonna be a good day

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28/7/2022 23:04

I didn’t write in few days, I was a bit down , relapsed and couldn’t fully commit to the 4 tasks.

I’m feeling good now, not sad.

I got injured yesterday, few hours after, my sister got injured as well pretty hard one, I’m worried and feeling bad for her, she’s an angel doesn’t deserve it.

Other than that I’m good, I won’t relapse, I started to see things from different perspective, with more love and patience.

I wanna love more , and be patient, and want to be confident that the good things I want will eventually happen. it doesn’t have to work out now, it doesn’t have to happen now, but I’m confident and patient, it will come :slight_smile: