Rab's second Diary [24M]

Diary
1

20/7/2022 23:58
I relapsed few hours ago.
I’m starting this diary to end negativity in the last one.

A short recap of my years, I’m 22 yo, with no degree, currently no job, starting university again, different subject next October. And supposed to have knee surgery, and I want to visit my brother in Italy, but all my life plans on hold until I know the date of the surgery.

Last October 23rd, I quit university, got job and went to psychotherapy sessions and still going. This October 23rd I’m trying new university New subject.
(23rd of October, mu birthday :sweat_smile:)

I won’t mention this for the rest of the diary, I’m gay Christian Arab lives in Nazareth, Israel. I’m rare specie. Idk why this is my sexuality, but I’m learning to love myself. :rainbow_flag::grin:

I don’t like the errands my family put on me, from work and business stuff, when I’m feeling down, I can’t do it. so …although I might not be functional on errands that associated with my family. I will commit to thing associated with myself and not them, and that’s my plan for the next 7 days, so that i feel better.

Starting tomorrow

  • I want to do tiny work out, 60 push ups, 30 squats, 30 lounges, 30 pull ups.
  • Practice piano one hour.
  • cold shower
  • read 5 pages

I couldn’t commit to anything this year, so I’ll start small, gradually will train my mind to do things outside of my comfort zone.

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21/7/2022 16:15

Half day gone half day left
I’m pretty tired, gonna have lunch and nap and proceed. The day is going good despite being tired of lack sleep.
I did the small work out took me 15 minutes, and did the cold shower.

Update 23:33
Day one complete, I’m not gonna sleep yet, didn’t read 5 pages yet.

My cousin and I take turn on who spend the night with my grandmother, these 2 nights are mine, at least tonight I got beer and good dinner :stuck_out_tongue:

Last night I was at my grandmother’s, today I had breakfast with her, helped my ancle at work, visited my aunt, went home did my work out, took a cold bath, had lunch , played a game, helped my father and finished at 21:00, so as I said I want to commit to myself, I did practice piano, had another cold shower, then went to my grandmother, had dinner, had beer, now got 5 pages to read.

Since I don’t work, spending time with others, family, and helping a bit is good, better than most days. Less lonely. Challenging but it’s fun to challenge your mind.

My experience with cold shower was fun,
My mind telling me don’t do it, gave me million reasons to back off, so I opened the water, and when I touched it, all the reasons my mind gave me was confirmed. So I’m supposed to give up now? Lol
Then I told myself, cold shower won’t kill me, and just did it, kept this thought in my mind.

It was fun experience
And the way I felt after the shower was great, refreshing.

I want to train myself to go outside my comfort zone.

Thank God

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22/7/2022 16:25

I was at my grandmother’s house, had breakfast, at 9 am went home, practiced piano (not what I planned, if I go back home I’ll do one hour classical music)
at 10:30-14:00 had work meeting, to get my tasks for the next 2 months. Had lunch and did run some errands.

Now I’m at my grandmother’s house, don’t have time to get back home, it her 90 birthday today, so everyone coming over in couple hours.

I have couple hours to do 3 tasks, workout shower and read,
If I went home I’ll practice

Update 6 minutes after midnight :

Today I did practice, I did workout and had cold shower, however I didn’t read

My aunt decided to go to my grandmother, so I was able to go home, I got home at midnight.

I’m exhausted, I went to the toilet, and I had an urges, I get them when I’m tired. I didn’t touch myself, just left the toilet, and here I’m in bed.

It was a good day, every second I don’t spend alone is good. I saw the whole family, 4 generations derive from my grandmother, and off course I play with the little kids, they are great.

I had 2 beers, I’m not used to alcohol, partially that’s why I’m tired. I shouldn’t drink much, and not every night.

I can’t read and focus unless someone here give me a little push.

Day 2 is over

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23/7/2022 22:44

Today I wasn’t motivated, I stayed in bed all day, just got up to eat, at 20:00-22:00 I went to my cousin, now went to my grandmother.

I was sad, couldn’t deal with it, I relapsed.
I didn’t do any of my 4 daily tasks.

Tomorrow I’m going to church, last 3 Sundays I couldn’t go, so been a month since I was last at church.

Tomorrow is gonna be a good day

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28/7/2022 23:04

I didn’t write in few days, I was a bit down , relapsed and couldn’t fully commit to the 4 tasks.

I’m feeling good now, not sad.

I got injured yesterday, few hours after, my sister got injured as well pretty hard one, I’m worried and feeling bad for her, she’s an angel doesn’t deserve it.

Other than that I’m good, I won’t relapse, I started to see things from different perspective, with more love and patience.

I wanna love more , and be patient, and want to be confident that the good things I want will eventually happen. it doesn’t have to work out now, it doesn’t have to happen now, but I’m confident and patient, it will come :slight_smile:

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Day 9 almost over

Last year I quit uni, although I loved the subject

Got work and payed for therapy, professional help

This year started another subject, different uni

Still the hard part is being alone
,

In classes alone, I go around try chat with my mates, I do, but they never approach me, or start a chat with me, it’s still just third week, although other students have found a group, but I won’t rush it

Went to a bar had something to eat, and something to drink, every one have a mate, to drink with, yet I’m alone ,

I’m different,

Not afraid to stand alone,
I’m writing just to remind myself,

I have 3 online friends, and some friends in rl, few
Which is really good , they are rare, they are something. Just happened where I am , I’m alone but still early will look up the rate people.

So far it’s good, beside stress, uni is good, work is good.

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I’m trying to evaluate my status, to look objectively at myself and judge the situation, well, as much as possible.

Third week at uni, I tried to get to know people but I don’t feel like I’m part of group or that I’m getting closer to anyone.

The group of people I approached are, who think they are elite, I picked them involuntarily, just happened. Just now realising that.

I did approach individuals, but now I’m categorizing them, one group is those who think they are elite. All Jewish and I’m an Arab . I approached some Arabs but didn’t feel like they’re serious enough, or aiming for excellence.

And noticed today some people that idk how to start conversation with them. Like a guy settings alone, looks like he’s serious and tuff, and immature enough.
Like the Russian girl who sat next to me, I didn’t know how to start a thing with her.

I didn’t want to be a burden on these people, or make it feel wierd, and didn’t want to get rejected. I’m already have my insecurities, don’t want to bring them to life.

It seems to me like, I choose people just for the sake of choosing people, I picked them, without thinking or deep consideration.

Like why I want to be friends with X, or be close to X Y Z .

I want someone who accepts me as a person, and respect me, despite our differences. I want someone to race me to the top and push me as well , basically motivate each other.

These are some vital components, that I didn’t consider last 3 weeks.

Back to class…
If someone read this
I want your opinion :pray:

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How does it feel being smart, talented, decent, honest, how does it feel ?!

Feels lonely doing the right thing !

Feels lonely not going with the flow.

Feels lonely, shaping your path, standing alone , tall and sharp,

Many will try to bring you down, take you down with them.

How does it feel, trying to do the right thing, take the right decisions , being decent honest human being.

It feels lonely

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ضغط

بعد يوم مهلك وانا أعطي كل طالب حصة من روحي، لم يلتفت لي أحد ليملأ روحي. 9 ساعات، انا تعبان، ما زالت تغمرني الكثير من المسؤوليات والمهام، وظائف مشاريع جامعية مشاريع أخرى ومسؤوليات عائلية. اتجاهلها، فإذا ما بدأت التفكير بكل هذا لما نمت الليل الوم نفسي. أنا على دراية بانني مستفذ، هالك، ليس بي من قوة لفرك أسناني والاستسلام للسرير، استسلم لسريري.

ثمان ساعات مضت، قومي يا نفسي، انهض يا جسد. لم يتبقى وقت كثير ستصدمني المسؤوليات واحدة تلوى الأخرى. اتسارع نحوها ويتسارع الوقت، سأصطدم بها كسائق فقد السيطرة على مركبته.إنه يتسارع نحو حائط تلو الآخر، سيصطدم!. لا أستطيع النهوض، لا أستطيع التنفس، نبضات قلبي تتسارع وانا أغرق بدوامة التفكير،، كيف لي أن أنجو كل هذا.

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We humans creat our own problems
Sometimes my brain thinks of situations, get sensitive about it, and place me in victim rule. I think, i be just looking for company, love, attention.

Every day if the week Sunday to Thursday, my energy keep getting down every single day, cause I don’t feel like I’m doing something (I be studying, having classes) , however weekends Friday Saturday, I refill my energy, I work and be with my family and friends.

Today is Tuesday, I’m already depleted, lonely,
There is this girl in my class, I’m not attracted to her (hence I’m homosexual as far as i know) , but she makes me feel good, lighter, happier.
Today I have classes with her, yet my brain is thinking of problems to turn these great feelings into a problem.

I want to get closer to her. Should I thought try to start a relationship with her or nah? Knowing that I feel great around her, but at the same time idk if I’ll ever be attracted to her, what if that’s what she wants from me at some point.

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– تعبان
– يعطيك العافية

مرات شغلك بوخد قطعة من روحك، تعبان جسديا ، مش بس هيك، كمان من جوا، عملك أخذ منك كثير طاقات.

– تعبان كثير خيا، كل شخص لاقيته بيومي اعطيته شوي من روحي
– طب يا اخي ارتاح
– كيف ارتاح وبعد علي كثير شغلات
– كيف ترتاح!!؟ ،،،،

اعمل اشي يقوي إيمانك بالخير وبالرسالة اللي انت عم بتقدمها، اشي يعبي روحك، يقوي إيمانك

وايمانك رح يحركك ويقويك تتكمل نهارك.

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12

Pressure started to build up at university
Lots of assignments

The plan was I study Sunday -thursday, and finish my homeworks during these days .

And work and be with family, on Friday Saturday

The thing is after classes I feel depleted, tired and lonely, I hardly study anything, or do anything.

I got distracted by that, and couldn’t do my assignments. plus I feel like I’m limited, every day I can do just one major task, wether it’s done in an hour or 5, I still feel like I can’t do another thing, like I’m done for the day.

– one important solution, I should study before classes and before work, when I have some energy in me, I’ll still be able to do great on classes and work cause I’m not alone at those.

And Keep practicing piano for the night

  • Second thing, I’m inspired to do what I’m doing and what I’m studying, and I love it and believe in it.

**To support that I got couple motivations, **

  • One: if I finish my homeworks during the week, I have the weekend to visit the family as well not just work, I didn’t see my big family (cousins uncles grandmother) in few months.
  • Second: if I study hard I can finish the semester at 14/2/23, and have 2 weeks break , I can travel with my friend.

I do love my work as well, I do love my life, it’s too much pressure, cause I couldn’t keep up with deadlines for university, but I’m still learning to manage my time.

With pressure, we may turn to pmo, which will make things worst, speaking from experience, but not anymore!!

I don’t do pmo

Another thing I’m trying to practice, is to appreciate people I have around, appreciate the moment I had with them, that’s how I’m gonna defeat loneliness. Acknowledge that I’m not alone, and that people do love me and care for me.

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Today went better than expected, not it’s not over …

Today, I missed church cause u had many homeworks due today,

In the morning, I had coffee and breakfast with my parents. Helped my father in little thing. Drove to dorms, did online test, quick one, got a shower, did an assignment and submitted it, cleaned my room did my dishes, had a meel, helped a friend with an assignment, just 15 minutes, and drove to university, I meet the counsel had a meeting with her, went to the library did another homework due today, I saw my partner their she helped me, we joined forces, I finished a bit ago.
I did check other courses, to right a schedule, like what homeworks I have left and due what date, just to organise myself.

I missed a couple classes, so I should do them alone, but at least I finished my urgent matters.

In a bit I’ll meet with 3 others to start working on big project.

I still got ton of things to do, I won’t whine about it, I’ll tell myself well done, I’ll acknowledge the good in me, the good in my day and focus on that, stress is bad.
When I go to dorms, I plan for tomorrow, congrats myself again, for loving myself, and under pressure still loved myself, that’s my priority over anything else. Be in peace with my own self.

I’ll be tolerant, leave what’s left for tomorrow morning, maybe practice piano, and then sleep in peace of mind.

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What if they don’t want to play? Grew out of it
What if they don’t need my help? They became better than me
What if they don’t need me? They are whole with out me

For them it’s great, good for them.But I’m not whole, I don’t feel like I can, be by myself, and be in peace.
I need to feel that people ain’t my enemies if they knew me. All of me. Ain’t gonna happen. Cause I’m their enemy for I’m different. But they are what I’m seeking. Company.

Playing with whoever, helping whoever. Incentive for my loneliness.

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when I try to do something, I realize how weak I am. So I give up. I can’t force myself, and I shouldn’t, idk what’s the solution.

For example I try to practice piano. Classic. I’m slow as heck. Can’t read an play simultaneously. One measure at a time, repeat it few times then next one.

I’ve played nocturnes op.9 no.1 and 2, and preludes in C and no.2 in Cm. Did start last year etudes.
The point it’s some heavy stuff. But I suck at reading.its either I remember is by back, or can’t play it.

Another obstacle is this kind of pieces suck at slow. Means it doesn’t make any sense, and ugly.

I think I need a therapist.
Since last December up until October. I got myself a therapist. And I had to stop cause of university. I’m feeling down. I’m gonna crash down. I’m not doing things right. Barely surviving my days.

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19/12/2022 01:07 Am

18/12 I woke up at 6:30, for a change went to church at 7:00, after praying, went back home did an assignment, and went to university, I finished my classes at 20:45. For a change we learned something useful, I enjoyed it.

My schedule is full, I got work, concerts, and lots of homeworks, classes, and many other responsibilities.

My sister asked me for a favour. So I told her I’ll come by after uni, supposed to take an hour of my time. It took 4 hours because my sister holding me back, no environment to work. After 4 hours, she made sure to send me a message that I’m bad. And say some shit that hurts me.

Friday Saturday were full, I had work and assignment, and at night stayed with my grandmother. I love my work, I do enjoy it. Plus I also had breakfast with my parents, it’s best part about my weekend. There is alot of stress. But I’m alright. Even classes today were interesting. Just my sister, again hurting me.

I wanted to chat to someone, talk to someone, my friends and family already asleep, and won’t pick up anyway. I was about to go to random chat websites, which is where I usually get tempted to relapse.

Anyways, …I shouldn’t get sad. I shouldn’t be sad. Although I’m stressed, and busy, I tried to help. People not appreciating my time and my effort, and being disrespectful. They should feel sad. I should feel proud. Cause I try my best to be good person, and help.

That’s it

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21/12/2022 Wednesday 7:38am

Yesterday I started having urges, or better to put it, feeling empty and alone. not crying about it, but it means I start to lean toward pmo.
Yesterday morning, I was taking shower, and there is no urges, I decided to thing of someone and think sexually about them, to activate my sexuality, to feel some dopamine. Idk why the hell I did that, again cause I’m feeling empty. So after few minutes I got erection, and I saw myself about to jerk, I ignored it finished my bath and went out.

I woke up today with urges, and I had many sexual thoughts while sleeping. Pmo sucks, it turns us into
vicous animals, I had thoughts about close ones, like my best friend and family. And I’m trying to defeat that.

It’s not just about pmo and ignoring urges, it’s about finding the void and filling it, curing it.

Summary of this week, work study schedule

Starting on Sunday
I went to church at 7:00, prayed with the priests and nuns, cause I knew I can’t go to the church at 10. I had coffee with my grandmother (Friday Saturday night I stayed at her place, we take turns, we don’t leave her alone) I went home had breakfast with my father. I started working on an assignment, I finished it and submitted it at around 12, I prepared my stuff and went to university, I finished classes at 20:45.
I went to my sister, recorded something on piano for her, was done at 1am, I went back to students dorms , slept at 2am.

Monday
Woke up 7:00, had breakfast, went to class, 8-12, then went back to dorms slept an hour, and then another class 14-16. I went back to dorms had lunch, started working on an assignment, finished it submitted it, and did another assignment and submitted it. Was done around 22:00, I did practice a bit piano, I did few leg exercises, revised some karate katas, went out to run a bit and continue, but I found a friend was drinking, I had one glass with him, and went back to dorms time was almost 12am, I had dinner and slept.

Tuesday

Woke up at 8:00, had breakfast, took a shower, went to class, (Tuesday I study at the down town, an hour away from dorms) , I had classes at 10-18, took the buss to dorms, and fall asleep, missed my stop, took another bus.
Was at dorms around 7:30, had dinner, I watched one episode while eating, then practice piano a bit, at 21:30 took a walk with a friend, was back at 23:00, and I went to bed right away.

Today, Wednesday, I have all the time in the world, I got classes 16-20, that’s it. So I have free morning to practice for university, and for my concert tomorrow.
I’m struggling with my thoughts, negativity, urges, I’m writing here hopefully I can get out of bed.

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24/12/22

I couldn’t go to churches or be at Christmas activities, I did play at 3 Christmas concerts , but that’s it. At home we didn’t set up a tree, we have no symbol of Christmas. I got Saturday and Sunday break from university and work, back to routine in Monday, but still I got some assignments and homeworks to finish.

I’ve acted bad to my mother and my sister, yelled and been harsh, I regret that, I feel really bad about it, and hate myself for it. I should be there for them to help them out and support them. I’ve been weak, there is alot to do, maybe it’s not much but I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, to take care of my loved ones, it take more energy that what I have to give, cause I’m overwhelmed with work and university and other stuff, so when someone requires my care/attention and I drought out, here I snap on them.
I’m sorry for the bad things I’ve done, I should learn how to deal with that , so I don’t do it again. I’m open to suggestions.

This year we lost 2 people in the family, its been hard for my parents. Sometimes I’m hard on them, I expect more from them to give, not me but give themselves. But again they invest their energy in the family, the big family, and it’s depleting them, sadly I can’t always be their battery, since I can dry out as well.

Merry Christmas and happy New year to you all
I hope we get better and make the next year better than the previous ones. Take care , love , have great holidays.

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2/1/2023
Happy new year to all

This year I should be wiser, think deeper, see beyond shallow looks. Consider my decisions and my actions on deeper different aspect. Hold the wheel, control my life, and make this year better, productive on emotional and mental base, and sure knowledge and physical base as well.

Look for friends at the right places, choose people wisely, see beyond looks.

Last year was filled with disappointment, as I did bet on the wrong people. I had irrealistic expectation, places hopes on wrong places and ereas.

University, work, isn’t place to make friends, that’s the purpose, and i should make sure to never forget that. If a friendship formed then be it. If not that’s alright, to have respectful relationship with others and just official relationship. If I’m lonely, online random chats isn’t the right place to look for company. I have searched on wrong places, and picked the wrong people, based on shallow judgment. So not really surprising that I was faced with lots of disappointments lol.

I’ll work on myself, develop myself. again my main focus is mentally, emotionally.

Knowledge based this year I’m gonna work on my skills, increase my vocabulary, in purpose to express myself more and break any language barrier.

I’ll be working equivalently, on Arabic, Hebrew , English. By reading books.
5 pages of each book isn’t insane task. In English and Hebrew might take me an hour at first. 5 pages a day, if I maintain that for 30 days, I’ll get much better, I’ll see results. in 60 days I can finish 3 books.

Piano, I’ll add another goal, to practice reading and playing from first sight. I’ll sharpen my skills and knowledge.

I’ve noticed a pattern, when ever I feel bad, whenever a person neglects me, make me feel lonely, whenever someone act wrong, bad. I blame myself for it, and hurt myself in one way or another. Unconsciously
Not talking about something physical. I might not eat or drink for day, and waste my time and my energy replaying it in my head, and think how could I’ve prevent that. And cycle of negativity never end. I get stressed, get depressed.
or I may jerk off many many times, not out of enjoying it, or wanting to, but as a way to punish myself and tell myself I’m not worth it, jerk to the point it hurts me and damage me.

Well, now since I know that I tent to blame myself and tent to punish myself and harm myself, I will make sure I don’t act like this ever again.

I should and I’ll try to keep my expectations realistic.
If I didn’t sleep or eat well, how can I expect myself to perform on 150% for whole day :rofl:
And then I get sad about it :joy:
I did huge stupid mistakes :smiley:

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I go to the campus, forcing myself to go

I wish I woke up excited about the day. I wish I go to class excited. 8-16, I’m forcing myself to be there.
I’m forcing myself to do stuff.
It sucks

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