Rab's diary ,[22 M]

Diary
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22/1/22 04:13 Am

I’m depressed, drained, tired,
Yesterday 21/1/22, I had breakfast with the family at 9:30am, then at 11:00 -18:30 I had work, the students drained me out, then I didn’t see my little cousins in 2 weeks they wanted to see me badly, so have lunch and went straight away to see them, they fight alot alot, dealing with them drained me even more, I had dinner pretty late with my big cousin, and got back home 1am

at the end of the day, I’m tired and sad, idk why :frowning:
oh I didn’t practice piano today, and had few more things to do for work which I couldn’t.
Today 22/1/22, is gonna be more full than yesterday, while working I try to put a mask literally and metaphorically.

I’m not satisfied about my day, me as a person, didn’t progress, didn’t get better, didn’t practice or workout or read something

if I want to look at it from religious perspective, I’m not being close to God, the devil always trying to put me down, make me seek pleasures, God always trying to help me get up, and be joyful. Even feelings inside of me is nothing but a war between good and bad. A side telling me I’m enough and another side that tells me no matter what I do I’ll never be good enough.

22/1/22 08:00 am

I got wet dreams, I go very very bad dream, I did horrible stuff.

The next section is terrible, don’t read unless you sure about it"

dirty dream

When I was a kid, less than 9 yo, I used to bully whoever is weak than me, I did terrible stuff,and used people, I was the devil, out of control, yet master of deception. I feart myself the person I was, cause I understood the damage I did to these people, and I was running from it don’t want to be this bad ever again. In my dream I was that devil spirit again, someone turned to for help, yet I used it for my advantage and my sexual advantage, I raped this person who was hurt emotionally and came for me for help :confused: and it’s a person I know and I love and value in real life.

at age 13 I turned to a friend, I was in bad emotional place, he used me sexualy, wasn’t as nasty as my dream but the same concept. And in my dream I was the one using someone else, u got the idea. Idk what these dreams means, it terrifies me, I’m worried about my loved ones and helpless, from my self, scared of my self. Cause I know I have the potential to be terrible person.

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Bro , I respect your thoughts, opinions and beliefs but if you keep on telling yourself that you’re weak, depressed, drained every single day, Your mind will start to accept it .

It’s always your choice. May I give u a challenge ?

Forget the challenge that I have made earlier. Instead of writing I am depressed write something you are grateful of every single day.

Every one have their own personal problems. Being mindful and accepting the problem is always great but sabotaging yourself is not a good idea. …

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My suggestion is to paraphrase a given sentence into positive way.

For eg

Change the sentence from

" I am depressed because I didn’t practice karate , piano etc. I am a fool. I am an idiot "

To

" Today I didn’t practice piano because I was lazy . But I forgive myself. Let me see if I can find an alternative way to make this piano sessions interesting. ( Then look for solutions. After finding the solution) .

I have adopted some methods to make piano sessions interesting . Let me see if it works tomorrow. "

By writing like this you are not only accepting the reality but also dealing it in positive way…

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@anon87955785 thank you bro :slight_smile:

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My current streak is 1 day 8 hours,
Before that I relapsed 3 times in 24 hours.

I have been wasting my time on the internet , social media and Netflix and stupid chat websites. I’m indeed alone, I shall not be using these things anymore, but only wisely. I don’t do anything in my day I think too much of how people would see it, they would judge me or something.
People have exaggerated pic of how good I may be in something, and I’m always trying not to scratch that pic that I imprinted in their mind, my ego doesn’t let me be modest and let people see me if how little I am. It is my ego always worring about people thinking less of me. I shall not be afraid of this or hesitate. I believe if I knew my true size instead if this filled balloon, I can truly start working on myself to become better and indeed great. I don’t want to look good for people anymore, I don’t want to do things for people to see me great, but do the right thing, what I shall be doing. I don’t want to spend alot of time at home, idk where I can have fun and how, enjoy my life a little be happy while doing some work. I don’t want to force my self do anything I’m not happily doing, if a book doesn’t make me happy , satisfied, eager to continue reading it, I don’t want to read, same goes to study. I want to be free of people’s judgment, people’s condemnation, I don’t want this to mean anything to me, what people think. I’m angry at myself and at my parents , we don’t understand each other, and actually holding each other back.
Today I met a friend, he’s great man, the only friend my age in rl, beside family, that I feel like Sharing anything with him. I’m really glad I have friend like this, I hope to have more like him.

I took jobs and responsibilities now and in the past, that I yelled out loud, I am not good enough for this, yet my father always disagree and push me to do it, not help me or guide me to be able to do it, but throw it on my face and put something at risk and I always have to do the work, have to take the job, cause he wants to. . Now I’m committed to lies, to an act. He thinks he push me to be better, keep saying that I don’t believe in myself and I don’t know anything. And force a lie on me, maybe he sees me this way, idk , but he sees me wrong.

Now there is nothing I meant to do or myself, everything was cause I can’t live with these lies, so I’m trying to fill the shoes, fill the balloon. Pushing myself to meet the lies or ambitions of others of me .

Solution? None, I need to be stronger ,not be so easily manipulated. Oooofff

I shall show people what I am, as less than what they thought of me, how? What ever reputation I have I’ll risk it. I’m post a video of me playing/practicing classical music (takes me alot alot alot to do classical music, and my speed is very limited, I’m can’t even be compared to who they compare me to, and a whole category below that. I shall stop pretending to be a smart ass, let myself be a laugh of people I shouldn’t care for that, I want to destroy my fckn ego. I hate people thinking I’m stupid, irrational, dramatic, well , I will break this idea they have.
I’m sick of being limited by what people think of me. If I follow or express my feelings my family will make a joke of me, well fuck them, let me be a joke then.

I want to risk it all, either this life turn to be worthy, or turn to be not .
I don’t want to worry anymore of how people will get things I did or said, I don’t want to worry anymore about how people think of me.
I want to be honest, modest, filled with failure, far from perfect, do good, care for what’s important and really valuable.

I want to face all my insecurities one by one .
Put them public, let people know what ever. I wish to be transparent.

I’m not sure about anything, sound like a crazy man, I’m scared of taking any real action in my life.

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Hi Rab. How is your knee now. Is the pain gone ?

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It comes and go if I’m not doing anything
If I run or carry weight it comes back. I should work out this is the only thing can help.

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The best beard ever :rofl:

IMG_20220126_214502
IMG_20220126_2145021080×1393 270 KB

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Love the beard man! At one point mine was like 6 inches long!

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20190827_204116~2
20190827_204116~22208×2944 876 KB

Here’s proof lol

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Niceeeee, that most be more than a year long beard

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Haha yeah… that took forever to grow

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27/01/22

I relapsed twice today, one with porn

I practiced piano for an hour, then had a lesson, then worked a few hours, took a long walk,

Yesterday I meet with my therapist, we ended the session in a good place, very interesting, left me with good feeling and alot of thoughts. Let’s hope it lasts at least for next session.

One thing kept coming to my head was
Build up Momentum + 20 sec rule,

U get the energy when you feel like you can do it, when you believe you can. So build up Momentum, start slow and easy every day, be careful from stuff that can drain your momentum.

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Happy to see you in a positive vibe. Keep moving ahead man !!!

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28/01/2022

Did nothing for myself today, except relapsing

Cold weather, dark and rainy outside, and I’m all alone
I was at the work place, I didn’t have work today but I was their to be with people actually, help a tiny little bit if needed. Wasted 7 hours of day like this, and the rest all alone at home, home alone. Great.

I watched a series, and relapsed. I should work out, I should read maybe study little something. All these supposed to make me better person, as in more productive stronger smarter. I’m not doing it, cause u feel I’m missing something else, staying alone doing all that isn’t really what I want, it’s not like I have a choice that I may be with someone, cause I don’t.

I have alot of stuff I can be doing reading, practicing, working out, cleaning…, But none really make me feel better.
Anyway, I’m spending too much time on screens, like 10 hours a day, and if I don’t the alternative won’t be that I would do some work but just stay in bed.

Everybody is busy with his own things, so I don’t expect someone to come help me out, you can cheer for me once twice then life goes on, I understand. Whatever happens what ever I do, it’s on me, my fault. Feeling bad won’t help, not a good way to make people love you, or come around, people probably need who can help them because they themselves are facing idk what and probably need help.

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30/01/2022 01:22 Am

There is always alot of work can be done.
Many times I set schedule and can’t do it, their is alot if tasks I should be doing , but u don’t do , instead I’m ready to stay on bed for days , lock myself in my room, turn to pmo and social media to elude. Then I hate myself for it and punish myself. And days go by and the same shit happens, I don’t do my tasks in hand, I don’t.
I gave in for so long put my family and friends before myself, my life was to satisfy people, make their life easier. I take tasks cause they drop it in me and I can’t let them down, can’t fail them, can’t let harm get to them, so I give in. To the point they throw alot on me and leave me lonely, I don’t want to do many things in my life, I don’t want to live like this, yet I do. So it’s important I do what ever I do, but my life didn’t belong to me. Even though I was trying to force myself to do things, now I feel I’m worthless, failure, can’t do my work, my tasks, hate myself for it, and punish myself for it, cause I didn’t do my tasks. New point came to light, that my subconscious and every atom of my body don’t want to do these things, I thought my entire life I was doing what I want, well , really?
I’ve been asking myself why I want to do X, the answers always pointed at someone other than me. I’m trying my best not let anyone down, but u lack alot myself, can’t live when I’m in such need for many things for my soul.

When I refuse to take a task , a job, …, They fight me for it, and try harder to drop it on me, I give in eventually then try to do it. But since they pushed alot alot on me and it’s been going for ever, I think I had enough, I can’t bear it any longer, subconsciously I was rejecting to do it, to act. I was fighting myself for others, and my subconscious fighting me back.

Guys Fck Life

Thinking emotionally and traditionally I wanted to have some people as friends, now thinking about it, I just don’t fit with them and they are definitely not worth it. But I have other people around that definitely worth of considering them friends, they are not the traditional friends, like some are female, and not even close to myself age, they are older, some are guys close to my age but they respece and will hear me out if I needed anything or just some company. So yea, these I should be calling friends, not assholes I grew 16 years with them and they still let me down on every possible occasion.

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30/1/2022 22:35
i relapsed 3 hours ago,
The last week was intirely failure. I’m also lonely, my friends they are away and busy.
I guess the key is patients
I’m depressed all the time, I isolated myself from people for the last year, i dropped off university, cause I couldn’t push myself anymore.

I’m fighting depression, I go to therapy, I work a tiny little bit, and got alot of time idk how to use it, I don’t have the energy to do something alone.

The whole world pushing and rushing me. I know I’m not doing well, not progressing well, and everyone keep asking too many questions over and other, I can’t think straight, too many people pushing their opinions in my head. It’s really hard and depressing.

But come on, nothing will happen if I took things slowly, took a break, long one, I got no one i need to take care of, no real responsibilities. No kids no partner. Progress is slow, pushing myself and hating myself won’t help. Got to be patient, and so what if it took few years to get where I want. Appreciate the baby steps you’re talking. Everything will happen at the right time.
I fear if everyone progress and become better, have more life experience a career a relationships, I’ll be left behind and no one will be kind to me cause I may become worth less. So I was racing all the time.

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Sad to hear.
You identified your problems and named them. What have you done to solve them?

I read few of your recent posts here. I see many similarities with my some time ago.
You are member of this forum for some time now, so I guess you’ve heard about the book “No more Mr. Nice Guy”. Have you read it? Try. After few first pages, one or two chapters you’ll know if this book is for you. It starts with diagnosis and symptoms of nice guy. For me you seems like one.
This book has changed my life. There are some practical trainings of daily routine that end up changing your mindset.

And what hurts my eyes… stop complaining about how shitty your life is. You says you have a lot of time by your own. That’s great opportunity. Start with cleaning your place, cleaning your body. Write very few actions to make today. Tomorrow add some. For me, after relapse I’m tired for few days. So make you also shouldn’t start with too many tasks. Add some everyday. Workout.
Don’t sit alone in your room. Go to boxing class, dance class and meet girls there. Develop one skill that you want and need to have to get nice job.

But brother, you know all of it. Stick to it.

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Bro do you have any link of this book. If so , Could you please post it ?

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Thanks for the advice

it will take time for me to get better. Change is hard and slow.
I should go to gym workout. I can’t do sport that much just will go easy.

I can’t seem to commit to any schedule, if I’m feeling alright I can, but the days I’m feeling down, I can’t.
The whole point of my last post was, I’m so negative cause I’m never satisfied of anything I do, so I was just telling myself to take things slowly, be patient, and appreciate the progress no matter how little it is, I shouldn’t be hard on myself.

Send a link of the book if you have it

The title doesn’t seem positive, I want to be better guy. as you said first few pages will clear things out.