Rab's diary ,[21 M]

Hey, Rab! You’re doing great :slight_smile:

Keep going, trying an believing. I wish you nice exams next days!

Have a very good night.

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Yes yes yes :joy: that 's it man that’s it … that what we have when we just give ourselves action one by one you don’t know or be sure about but you have to choose to gain and 5o undersatnd …

So yes yes yes … :clap::clap::clap:

Life is hard but we still have to choose … what ever good friends good environments , anything anything , we can do this …

We will explore yourself day by day …
Keep going …don’t give up for anything man .

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Day 10 going well
I’m satisfied about my life, everything but my education is going well. I’m under alot of stress, 17 hours left before my exam.
Each second U decide either to fall for the pressure , or do your best with your current mind state, emotional state, hope and believe u can survive , and then even if u fal will hurt less.

Give up or keep trying and pushing
Lose all or have slight chace to rise
Lay down or keep standing back up
Eventually I’ll learn how to walk

The thinking of the past hurts, cause I should’ve seen that comming , and should’ve prepared more, But also back then ,I had periorities and my mind was occupied , so I will try to love my self and forgive my self, that burden will just make it harder for me to move.

i’m deciding to stand do my best, and on worst case scenario take the hit, fall, and stand up again

Prey for me, this exam could cost me alot in life
If i pass with some miracle, remind me to be fucking humbel, cause being cocky is what got me into this miss

As this app said ::slight_smile:
“I’d rather forget and not slow down, than gather regret for the things I can’t change now”
-RelientK

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I really like to read your diary, Rab. See how you’re learning each day and how you’re becoming more resilient. Tomorrow is a great day and I hope you do really well. Sure I’ll be praying for you. :wink: :pray:

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10 days behind me, day 11
I just woke up, I’m feeling good, i finally did my exam , fingures crossed , Im heading back to dorms to make up for other courses, I’m a person that procrastinate, doesn’t move his ass untill last second ,

Advice for this month , MOVE YOUR ASS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.

I get eriction early and late, and around some indeviduals I dont function ,get distracted and attracted alot. But we’re working on that,

The last week, I was super stressed , every minute i though of giving up on university, no fap, and everything. A friend help release that stress, beared with me, got to the exam had extra reasons to give up, but remembering going through that week, reminded me that train took off long time ago, u cant give up now, be brave calm and do it. Thanks for you friend :slight_smile:

So guys, look at all you’ve been through , look at the streak the urges u fought and won,
Look at your work, your relationship , your education, u walked a long long way, there is no place to give up, honer the steps u walked to get here. the train of giving up, took of long ago.
Have a good day guys

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Hey, Rab! Your friend is probably very proud and happy with you. Also he’s lucky for having you at his side.

Have a great day! :slightly_smiling_face:

day 12 almost over…
NOTE today’s diary, Just a story, not intresting info, not for motivation purpuses

I was very stressed last weak , asked all people i know to pray for me, I asked everyone for help, prayed alot, was depressed my hair fall, i didn’t eat or sleep, I am the one to blame on this situation, but with the help of friends I reacted with the situation better than ever, didn’t punish my self, but helped my self, and asked everyone for help.

i dont know why is that !! I blame my self for stuff and i hardly forgive my self. instead i would do what ever makes me feel worst, and worst, never loved or hugged my self, didn’t like my self much, and others didn’t like me either. I guess I’m bad at communicating with people, and cant be my self around them, to avoid troubles. i have raised the white flag long ago, trying to rebuild my self, I was blamed for alot of things , thats became my normal life, that even now i blame my self for everything bad that happens to me, cause I could have did things differently and there is always this claim and its always right.

for me jerking off is a pleasure mixed with alot of sad feelings and memories , I think I may have been doing it, cause i dont believe i can be better, i dont believe i deserve to be happy, after all im not perfect, and will always have something to punish my self for. i would descripe jerking off, sometimes its great pleasure which comes with regret at the end, others i know its bad and i will regret it, and yet do it again and again and again at the same day /hour, it becomes like self torture self raping , all this is cause I might not like stuff about me, and sadly I cant change it, I fought many battles in my life I gave up and took the defeat and went with the majority, Rab is wrong & should be punished. use every chance to tell young child, that he’s wrong he’s mistaken ,and Isolate him ,over and over, don’t talk to him, pay attention or anything, leave him all alone in this world

and thats how u train a dog, “u better do your best so i like u, u better act exactly as how i’m expecting and I won’t make u re-live that torture, that loneliness, again.”

So i raised the white flag long ago, the only time someone didn’t come against me is when i lay down stop fighting and take everything comming my way…

I wrote all that, cause I’m losing control, So i asked my self why do i keep doing this to my self,and that’s what came up to my mind.

I’m not looking for sympathy, it will make me feel bad,I’m grateful for alot of things, I am indeed lucky and blessed .

decided to write this here, to get of my mind these thoughts and childhood sensitivity drama , it feels good, and it feels even better ,knowing someone will actually read it :slight_smile:

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This is very good! I always write (I wouldn’t even consider sharing what I write) when I feel urges which make me completely hopeless.
U’r doing great, you are on day 12, and that’s your highest streak ever :slight_smile:
I too blame myself for many things and also get blamed for many things by my parents. I used porn as an escape to not have to deal with the challenges of the real life, mainly the challenge of finding out what the hell my challenge is in the first place.
But no matter how much I am to blame or am guilty of watching porn and jerking off to anime movies (and even more disgusting stuff), I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.
Concerning happieness and bettering oneself: Were not made to be happy. We were very fearful creatures and got eaten by nearly every other creature. That explains a lot of the things going on right now in the world… Also, I think bettering is not possible. Just in a context: E.g. get more muscular, more social etc. So you just have to choose each day: Do I want to choose to fap or watch porn and/or is it getting me closer to where I want to be?

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