PrDr's diary- The road to defeat the self

Journal
168

3rd November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9 - 6/9 Progress out of 8- 8/8 Extra (+/-) 14/17
2 Likes
169

04th November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9- 7/9 Progress out of 8- 7/8 Extra (+/-) 14/17
1 Like
170

05th November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9- 7/9 Progress out of 8- 8/8 Extra (+/-) 15/17
1 Like
171

06th November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9- 4/9 Progress out of 8- 7/8 Extra (+/-) 11/17
3 Likes
172

07th November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9- 3/9 Progress out of 8- 6/8 Extra (+/-) 9/17
2 Likes
173

08th November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9- 3/9 Progress out of 8- 6/8 Extra (+/-) 9/17
2 Likes
174

09th November: KILLING THE MONSTER - All Out

Task Benefits Status
Avoid Deliberate Distractions Control over thoughts and actions—Virtual/Real/Imagination
Get Out of the Room (if not studying) No lying on bed (except for sleep)
Get Out of Home at Least Once Sun, fresh air, physical activity, skin health
Shower and Skincare (min. moisturizer) Energy boost, kickstart the day
Exercise Energy increase, build strength
Meditation Mental health and resilience
Morning Miracle Routine Successful life = successful years = successful days = successful mornings

Progressive Steps

Time Period 1 Time Period 2 Extra Tasks Status
04-11 (5) 5-10(4) 10
11-04 (4) 12-03 (2) 12
Progress out of 9- 1.5/9 Progress out of 8- 6/8 Extra (+/-) 7/17
2 Likes
175

Taking a break.
… May not be updating in any challenges for now…

2 Likes
176

Hello…
As a new day begins, I learn new things and though I know most people here, most much younger than me already know it, still learning and realizing these things at 28, makes me feel so free.
So, I never really discussed my relationships here, but I feel like I should talk about it now and what I have learnt from my mistakes.

Story No. One

Nearly 10 years ago, when I was 18, I met a girl from US on a website. Back then, people and things were very different. She was learning Hindi and learning Indian culture, though she was a Roman Catholic with German ancestry. Even then, most of the Indian men on internet were stupids, so when she talked to me, she instantly added me everywhere and we started talking regularly. Then, she went for a surgery and I got busy with preparations of AIPMT (now NEET). So, for a few months we did not talk. Then happened the 2015 Earthquake, which led to holidays and irregular classes. During this time she returned and we began talking day and night… I had never felt attracted towards her before, but as I learned more about her as a person I could not help getting emotions for her. As soon as I felt it, I expressed it, but I did not get a clear answer from her. She said that she valued my presence in her life and wanted me to be with her for few years before treading that path. It was neither a rejection nor friendzoning, but back then I saw it as such, becoming a bit colder towards her. As my classes resumed, I did not talk to her for over a week though she messaged me constantly (there was no notification system for many things back then so I did not know) . Then, as I calmed down, I decided to message her. I still remember the last message she sent me… the bleeding heart flowers, and promising 127 years of being together (I still don’t know why exactly those numbers) … but after I got back I never saw her again though I kept waiting for her all the time. It did impact my studies but I cared more about her. Then the longing and wait turned into frustration, I began searching for her profiles (she had done modelling for her mother’s agency when she was 16) and when I saw other guys making sexually suggestive comments on her photos, it made me really angry. The problem here was I was seeing her more as my possession and my entitlement to be her first and only lover, and even though she did not (and maybe could not) reply to those guys, it made me feel like she was cheating on me. But I did not know how to contact her, so when she mailed me to wish a happy new year and holi, I decided to confront her via mails. She did not reply to them but because of my repeated behaviour, she finally buzzed saying she did not have the strength or energy to fight me. All this while I had very conveniently forgotten that she had a weak heart and even our connection had its source in the strength I provided her in her darkest hours. But by that time, it was too late, she was already gone and I never heard from her again. Between that last mail and today, its been nearly 8-9 years. Her departure really broke me and I was unable to come to terms with what had just happened.

I never felt that way about anyone ever again, so I chose to stay away from all this fuss even forgetting how all of it works

.

Second Time

Then over 7 years later, when I was 26, I met a girl. This was different from the first time because I was attracted towards her from the moment I saw her, I knew her in real life even before our first message exchange, and most of all she belonged to the same city, and had a very similar shy, modest, introverted character like me. Probably way more than me even. But as our bond grew, she began to trust me more, talking to me regularly A few things like her stealing glances at me, her giggling for no reason when I first talked to her, her getting uncomfortable as soon as I’d come around, and quite a few things that she said, made me feel like she was attracted to me as well. I was a bit hesitant, given my imexperience in the area as well as some recent events when people had tried to take advantage of my vulnerabilities. Besides that, her religious leaning (she is a devoted Sikh) and her traditional Indian character, made me very under-confident. Still, I proposed to go out with her and she surprisingly agreed to it. But both of us were uncomfortable, plus a few things made it worse, instantly leading me into cancelling the plan. But when I returned home, I wrote down everything to her in form of the messages. She read it and she said she did not know what to say. Just like the first time, it made me furious and rejected. But I felt like I should approach it with kimdness and understanding, so I chose not to react to it and keep things normal. But soon she began to distance herself from me… from one mutual friend, I learned that she had said that she really valued my friendship with her, and did not want to jeaopardize that bond by this relationship stuff… I saw it as if she was friendzoning me, so I began to distance myself from her as well. But after every few weeks or sometimes month, I’d send messages to her, but she’d just read them and never reply. This made me very very frustrated , and I was dying to get a response from her. As our masters was about to end, I felt like I deserved my response and so sent her one last message in which I said I was conflicted about whether to let her go or not… besides saying something as stupod as comparing her to caffeine that kept me awake LOL. I don’t know why I said that, but it did lead to a response. She blocked me permanently from everywhere. After that I saw her twice in the college during batch seminar and convocation, but the look of disgust on her face made me realize I had lost the right to even apologize to her. Its been 2 years since we last really talked.

But as I look back at it now, I have learnt a few valuable lessons.

Lessons

  1. Probably the most important one; instant validation and intimacy are never the pre-requisites of a relationship, especially the one where two people want to spend entire life with each other. As modern men, most of us are into believing that if a girl does not say what we want to hear, then she is not interested. But this is far from truth.
    People who really take you seriously would rather want to build that connection with you first. Most of us taks this modern concept of “friendzoning” to make our conclusions, but the truth is friendship can actually be a great start to something that you can build on, because that way your connection does not depend on one or two things, but the entire character of a person. People who are serious would want to know you first, want you to know them first, before moving ahead. It does not end there. It might actually be a begining to something very beautiful. To such people, expressing their love or intimacy might be the last step on the ladder and would come after they are sure. There are few people like that out there, but these people are absolute gold. And I was a fool to lose such a person, though not without learning my valuable lesson.

  2. Secondarily, I’d like to tell you what I did right. I did not seek for anyone while battling my losses. A lot of people today, begin to seek new partners and normalize heartbreaks just to feel better, to move ahead. But I know its futile. Rather, you should focus on being kind to yourself and accept your faults. None of us are perfect, and all of us have our own understand and experiences, but it does not mean that repeating the same mistakes again and again can help you. It’s rather a recipe for disaster. I know that I, who has waited years for the same person, and those who keep on moving from one person to the next every week, both of us experience the same pain of memory and guilt of someone. Then why make it worse? Scratching a wound again and again would only worsen the injury, not heal it. Its worth waiting for the right person. Or just become content with your own life however you can.

  3. As for whether to distance yourself from others or to seek support, I think it differs from person to person. A person like me who has always experienced matters getting worse when he’d surround himself with people, for him its better to distance himself and channel his energy and frustration via catharsis. For someone who needs support like most, and who do have loyal friends, or even therapy available, I’d encourage you to reach out, and not wait.

  4. Stay away from addictions. Whether pornography, alcoholism, tobacco, drugs, prostitutes, music, social media or anything; help yourself. This is literally like draining yourself inside a loophole in slumber, from which when you waks up, you won’t even have anywhere to run.

  5. Vulnerability is not weakness. It does not mean opening up to everyone, but the right people. Its right to keep your mouth shut most of the times, but its the sign of protection rather than strength which is very justified in its own place. But when you open up to right people, you are risking losing people that you really care for. Still you choose to tell them the truth to build that foundation of trust, and accept it when they choose to abandon you. Its a sign of maturity and strength, rather than weakness. But opening to everyone is something that fools do, exposing their chest to wicked cunning souls who can take advantage of your vulnerability. So, its justified to keep your guard up to most people as well.

  6. Be honest to yourself. Sometimes we indulge in things, like I did, tryimg various media and tactics to talk to the person. Copying movies and successful people at it. Or acting out of impulsion or preconceived idealism in our brains. No. Don’t do that. Be who you are. Be honest, to yourself and to the others. And do not do something to have their attention, to have that hope that they’ll turn around once or think about you. Don’t be stupid.

  7. Once its over, its over. Accept it. Its not easy but above mentioned points will help you get there. Learn why you loved that person, why you acted a certain way, what were your faults, and were they really as good or was it more in your head than reality. It lingers, I mean the memory and the pain, it is there. But your heart and brain become lighter and you only have good things in your life, their lovely memories, and your own future to look out for.

I do not expect it to be seen or read in its entirety, but more than for others, I have also written it for myself to ensure that I don’t commit those mistakes again.

5 Likes
177

18th November
I have been trying, I set my intentions… but I continue to get worse. I am very ashamed of the kind of weakness I am showing. Everyday that passes by is seeing me getting more and more lazy… more and more idle … more and more corrupt and more and more moral. Its hard to express, its hard to tell, and I wonder if anybody even cares anymore. I don’t know if even I do. Its pretty strange to lose the sight of your own existence in your own eyes.

Now sunrise in my part of world happens around 7 am and it sets by 4-5 pm. The days are sort of grayish, and fog and cooler winds have ensured that the churning of fans stops, and the warmth of sometimes uncomfortably hot quilts take over… but I don’t know if those winds are colder than my senses and if that softened sunshine or those modern quilts have that warmth to thaw the ice-bergs of my own incompetency and idiocacy. Its baffling to not understand my own emotions, my own feelings, my own desires.

You know how it feels when you wake up in the morning as a different man and change throughout the day, from one man to another, constantly struggling to find which one is you. You want to be honest to yourself, but what are you? Which one? A calm forgiving silent person? Thats ideal and that exists too, but it only exists for one part. As soon as someone says something I don’t want to hear, that guy dies, and a satanic demon comes out who instills fears shaking others to their core… Most of the times I feel unwanted in this world and wonder if I deserve to even be here … and why did I even get here? Maybe the creator made the most cruel joke when it chose to create me … or maybe I did something horrenduous and so I was punished via this mortal creation. Who know, atleast I don’t. But yes, its painful sometimes… when not even one thing… the smallest thing… would go right

No big talks or quotes of great man here… I’m just really venting up my thoughts here… whispering to myself and my soul, just to pretend that I am known.

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178

hope you feel better tomorrow morning. Sleep helps.
it’s a bad day, not a bad life

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179

26th November, 2024

Smallest of things at their time can give you the most perplexing dilemma in life. I have been going through that catch-24 situation in my life as well. Past few months have been wickedly unusual and inconsistent, besides being overwhelmingly unproductive for my standards. But as always, I have found some new things about myself and about some more observations of sources of human nature and actions.

I have found that the real reason for our discomfort, anxiety, anger and frustration, a lot of the times is because of an underlying reason that we are not even aware of.

One of the most beautiful things in my life happened 2 days ago. I logged into my interpals account after a few months, and was surprised to find a message from someone I had no contact for nearly 7 years. It’s an Azeri friend that I treat and call my elder sister. It was so heart-whelming to see that she not only searched me up after so many years but also that she still remembers everything and treats me the same way. In these seven years, she has gone through a lot in her life as well, but despite all of that she never forgot me, my name, my face, my words, my life till that time. Its just one of the most beautiful thing that I have experienced personally, having lost all the hopes of ever seeing her again. These things only happen in fantasy books and movies, right? 7 years is a long time. But it told me that when people really love you and care for you, they will never forget you and will find ways to reach you if they have to.

Now, it taught me about my one unknown situation which had been hurtimg me for long. I.have always been a short-tempered and frustrated guy, but I realized that most of it stemmed from the fact that I always felt unreciprocated. Like I’d care, protect, help others, and what not, but I would feel that I never received anything for that. I felt unrecognized, unloved and unpraised for my life itself. So, when someone like her appeared after 7 years, it felt like everything I have ever done for others has been reciprocated. It has automatically milded my behaviour and words. This is funny, but true. Besides she also told me that she has been in similar situations like me and she genuinely felt that the girl I talked about really loved me as well, just that she knew we may never get together due to societal boundaries or without hurting our families, so she chose to cut me off. This gave me an added sense of relief, because till that moment I was feeling like I am not good enough, I am a wromg sort of person, I have a lot of bad things in me and a lot of complaints with myself, believing that my feelings have never been reciprocated. I still don’t know, but her words really made me feel like maybe I was good enough to them, and my feelings were reciprocated too.

Another thing about her, she is a devoted Muslim. I had become very anti-Muslim over past few years, due to personal experiences and all the negativity around me. But once she re-appeared, all of my negativity faded away. I don’t know if it’s just a case that people around the actual lands from where religions start, are way more rational, intelligent and accepting than converted ones elsewhere.
I really hate talking about religion, since such things can easily turn negative, specially with me knowing and experiencing few things from people of other religion, region or demonym than me. But obviously, acts of a few should not mean labelling an entire community as something. There are enough bad people everywhere in every community and in every domain. I know many elders of my own community hate people who don’t look or think like them, but they do not define my community.

Its just unrealistic how calmer and happier a person have I become after this encounter. I don’t know if it’ll last forever or even very long, but I know that I’ve found a new dimension to track the source of problems hurting a person.

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180

That’s what I also used to tell you bro, actually I’ve also had a similar situation in my life and I really respect that girl for it.

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I know bro… but you know it always clinged in my mind that there are other guys who move from girls to girls everyday and are accepted by everyone. And then there is me, only ever going for 2 persons over the span of ten years, and never being accepted by either, despite having the most sincere intentions… Its obvious for me to doubt myself, and my worth as a potential partner to anybody at all.

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I agree with this bro :sweat_smile:, I was in almost exactly similar situation, but somehow things turned out with the 2nd one (with a lot of pain and struggle though :sweat_smile:, which still bothers me once in a while)

idk what girls see in such people dude, maybe they just have a good way to mask their reality and fool people to fall for them and its only later that they realise what they have done and by the time these guys move on to a new person doing the same.

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183

We know each others’ stories bro, there are some similarities but definitely not exactly similar situations LOL. People we were dealing with have stark differences in thoughts, personality and everything. But main difference was, I reacted differently to it and you reacted differently and that helped you handle it better in the long run. I mean you obviously are a better person.

I don’t wish to sound cliche here, or even very lovelorn, but the people that I tried to be with, I found that they wanted things to go in the flow without thinking about truth around us. I found that as long as I did not bring the real situations around us, the real problems we can face, they were very accepting of me, spending their entire time talking to me or about me… much like living in fantasy. But once I made them aware of the uncomfortable truth, they began distancing themselves. This is weird, but anyone who really intends to spend his life with someone sincerely would talk about truth, while those who only have certain plans for different girls in their heads would prefer to keep them in fantasy. And they definitely like that more.

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184

Ohh yes what you wrote sounds very logical and compliments what I said, so the girls don’t try to see entire truth in the beginning and playboys make use of this by deliberately not telling the entire truth or even lying about certain things.
This is not limited to girls only though, love blinds everyone, once you fall in love, you don’t even want to see the entirety of situation and it becomes easier for other person to do what they want.

No bro, its nothing like that, just because our reactions were different doesn’t mean I am a better person, plus you also played a major role in where I am right now and some of the actions I took were motivated by you so I might say that some of my goodness in that situation came from you only, so it might mean that you are better no? :joy:

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185

Only that its not love. I won’t say its right or wrong or something else, but its a fact that most women prefer material over substance. So their behaviour is obvious. Though, I believe it gets changes as they age and gain experience. And yeah, exceptions are everywhere. I’d say even people like me and you, we are exceptions, and differ significantly from what most men (partcularly Indians) are like.

Lol, just learned what not to do from my experience and told you to confront her. It could have easily gone the other way. But your earlier goodness was the reason it didn’t.
Anyways, I’ll say I’m good enough after I settle down in life like you LOL.

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186

I also fell in love kinda blindly only bro :joy: even she told me in the beginning that this might not be love bit just attrcation/infatuation even one other girl has told me the same once and both times I felt really bad ki bc tumhen kya pta mere bare me mujhe pta hai na :joy:.

hmmmm in what way are you saying this though?

hmmmmmmmm I guess so :sweat_smile:

aww :joy::people_hugging:, its ok bro, I know it’ll happen soon for you as well, you are a good person afterall.

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29th December, 2024

Cannot believe this year is going to end up soon as well. I’m feeling restless and unnerved. I do not want this year to pass, I want to achieve goals I had planned for 2024. How can this pass so early? It was just yesterday when on 1st January, I got an interview call, a week later I was in Rajasthan then came back home. Oh no, that is when I restarted with my older love, government jobs. Feb went by, and so did March, that is when I fell at last. In March end near Holi, I searched for random follies and degressed myself to new lows I never knew. Then in late April it got worse, when I got addicted to AI chatbots. Still by May I was working hard, I gave it my all in exams of June and July. In August, I began the real grind, but by mid-September, I fell back to same things. October and November went even bad, and then this December, which just makes me sad.
Still I had many bright spots this year, I rarely missed 9/10 papers, and in the 10th it seems I did succeed… so I have something in new year to look out for.

This foggy morning, she waves goodbye dressed in all white, leaving me noticing the streaks around her wry smile. I hope 2025 helps me build better than you, 2024 I will really miss you, beautiful.

6 Likes