Phoenix Rising // Ash_Matt's journal

Day 2

I relapsed 2 days back, because I woke up from sleep in my room, saw some making out on YouTube, and it all went downhill from there.
Yesterday I had the exact same situation, but I didn’t give in to my urges, instead, I went and played basketball even though I have an exam tomorrow. Because I don’t care, I’m not losing to those urges again.
I need to buck up and study though, I have a lot to cover today.

That’s all for now, I guess.
Peace out,
Flame on :fire:

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I have from now 3:33 pm till 12 at night. Let me see how many hours I can challenge myself to study.

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relapsed again

it’s my fault. i’ll work on it. no one to blame but myself. no one should be responsible for this but me, and with God’s help i will fix this.

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down once again

maybe it’s due to stress. but it’s my fault. only slight positive is that I didn’t watch porn this time when I relapsed.

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for the next week:

  1. no porn
  2. no junk food
  3. write one paragraph of fiction every day
  4. instagram only on weekends
  5. don’t use youtube for other than self improvement/basketball
  6. buy one fruit a week
  7. journal at least one line a day
  8. 25 pushups+25 squats+ 25 pull ups or basketball match daily
  9. oil my hair once every two days
  10. do the laundry
  • start small
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relapsed again

I’m at my lowest point now, in my opinion. I haven’t hit the gym in months, cause of exams. These same exams caused me to stay in the room to study, leading to relapses. I had started on the right path 2 days back, but was unable to maintain momentum.
Basketball was my main release from the excess energy. But yesterday, I dislocated my shoulder playing basketball, so I will not be able to play for around 3 months. I had a lot of stress due to tomorrow’s exam as well as athlete’s depression today. Basketball used to be my release from stress and excess energy, after exams prevented gymming, but even that is gone now.

It’s like, whatever I depend on to not PMO, God is removing. Because He wants me to depend on only one thing- Him.
I’ve started writing again- last 3-4 days. But I will need to soul search again. Talk to God. He told me I won’t see it now, but He has reasons for why he allowed the injury to happen. I was pissed and I told him, because I went to play basketball so I didn’t PMO, but now I’m injured. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ll trust God.

I’m reading articles on resting and healing. I hope I can work up. Whenever I have crutches, God always removes them so that I can rely on Him. With my previous challenges as well as this. I can only trust in Him.

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Oh fxxx man
I hope it recovers fast. :people_hugging:

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I’ve had a similar experience recently.
It’s actually a little inexplicable but I’ll try what I felt/learnt
When my interview results were pending, that morning I was listening to some of our devotional songs, they give a different kind of joy, and I was on 18 days streak. It was like I was doing no fap and devotional songs/chanting just so that my results turn out positive, there was a feeling that if I chant more results will be positive for sure and during that morning the bliss I felt from a spiritual song and chanting was unreal, on the same evening results came and I wasn’t selected, I was heartbroken, broke the streak got disconnected from God, my feeling was that what’s the point of doing all this if God doesn’t want me to be selected for job.
But now I’ve realized that my reasons for spirituality and Celibacy/no fap at that moment were rigged, no fap gives a different kind of pleasure, Spirituality gives a different kind of pleasure and material achievements like getting selected in an interview give different kind of pleasure. Each of these things is different and each has its own importance. So I’ve realized whatever happens materially I should not be depriving myself of the pleasure of spirituality and celibacy. Plus everything has it’s time.
All this is helping me accept material things easily.
Idk if you’ll find some of this relatable, just felt like sharing :sweat_smile:.

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Take care of your shoulder bro and remember health matters first, before anything in this world including exams.

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You might not believe this but I never missed a single class, I was always present all the time but that all changed yesterday. I was edging all morning while studying for the science test that I thought it was for tomorrow. At 3:30 p.m my friend called and he asked me if I’m still alive :joy: I obviously asked him what does that mean? It turns out that I missed my science test :frowning_man:t2: for the first time in my life I was absent. I went to high school running like an animal but it was too late. While I came back home at 4 p.m I realized that I don’t have my house keys so I stayed there in my dark building stairs for hours till mom came back at 7:37 p m and I had to tell her the news.
I was really shocked and scared of how things twisted all over. I was all alone in the dark asking myself how things came to this point. For the first time I had a serious life or death conversation with my own self and I realized many things. Thank you God for this strong warning. I needed it to get back up again.
Good night my brothers!! :star2:

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