Paulkijkduins's Diary

This is the first time in my life that i admit having an addiction. My brain is exposed to naked women for more than 40 years. All those years i have been looking for excuses, like every man does it, or that it is just a natural thing to fantasize and to look for sexual content. But lately, i have realizing that it’s not OK. My brain is wasted with images that keep me slave to my urges. I have tried to quit several times. I have had times when i had to fap several times during a day. I have also experienced more than a week without any fap. I am afraid to write down what my regular frequency was. I had urges every two days, often extra urges within a day after a relapse. The feeling of low energy, being bored and feeling unwilling to take any responsibility for something that a grown up man should do. Shame and guilt are my best companions for years. I hate it. I certainly hate the way how i got hooked. Three days ago i joined the companion community. I am afraid for the urges. Peeking is just to risky. Self control and staying busy all the time can vanish after a day of hard work. Especially being free, alone and bored is almost impossible to deal with. That really seems to be the very core problem. Giving uo on everything. No need to clean my home. No need to take care of anything. No curiousity, no joy, no power, no compassion, no interest whatsoever. That lack of maturity makes me so vulnerable to p.


Thanks for sharing man and glad to have you join us here!

This addiction is a serious struggle to beat but I assure you that if you put in the time to learn new strategies and master your mind, you will escape this.

For years I tried battling this to no avail, but tomorrow I will be hitting 100 days. I used to relapse quite frequently as well, about every 3 - 5 days, sometimes more.

We can all escape this man! I wish you well on your journey here :muscle:


Glad to have you here too my friend.
One companion on a great streak recently said “it’s not will power, but with choice/reason”

I wish you well my friend. I notice a lot of older people join and dissappear - I hope they are still pursuing their journey in this. And I hope you find the useful resources to retain in your pursuit of freedom to Rewire. To close those old neural pathways and open new ones to enjoy better things in life :pray:

From, 37 single, male UK


First day of low energy in a series of 5 days. This can be caused by obsessive trying not to be alone ir at risk. Tonight i will be alone, and probable exhausted. I am afraid of slipping into a, state of risky, fantasizing about peeking at pics or more. Of course i don’t want to do that. The thought about a relapse makes me sad and small. How can we stay strong every single minute of every single day? I need to be able to relax without fear of relapsing. Any suggestions?


One way to stay strong is to be mindful of all the ways pornography has damaged our lives in the past.

Relapsing happens in an absent-minded state. We forget all the reasons why we decided enough is enough and why we wanted to quit watching that stuff and engaging with it. We forget the pain of relapsing. When we remember those reasons regularly, relapse isn’t an appealing idea.

When we relax, relax in a healthy, safe way. Do things that genuinely relieve stress instead of peeking at pornography.

And don’t fear urges; they’re a natural part of life. Everyone gets urges. I know someone with over 25 years of recovery, and they still get tempted. What makes is our response to the urges. We can always choose how we will respond to the urge; our choices within that moment are what matter. We can always choose a better life. We can choose self-improvement. We can choose true joy, love and connection with others. We can forget the immediate and temporary gratification of cravings for pornography and choose the permanent satisfaction of self-fulfilment, the repair of our self-esteem and the return of our confidence.

And with time, those temptations become weaker and occur less frequently.


I can’t post any messages on the message boatd. Probably i havr to stick to my diary before i can support others.

My process is going well so far. By the end of today my first week is complete. Nofap, no pmo.


I went to a bar tonight, playing music. Came home without the urge to peek. I still feel safe alone, as long as i am not bored or stressed. In one hour I will finish my first week without pmo. I can’t imagine how it must feel after 90 days nofap. I am curious.about that.

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Congrats on making it to one week bro :tada:

It’s good stuff up here man! You can get there too, I believe in you!

Day 11
Urge in the morning. Searched for a certain name in journalism, viewed some pics and scrolled further for a minute. I felt the effect in my body and pressed the urge button in this app. Urge controlled, faded away immediately by viewing someone completely different.
What happened?
It started with the decision to lookup a female journalist in incognito mode. Furthermore I added the word sexy to the search .
I am aware that it’s difficult to master this struggle alone. Without this app i would have failed. I am.lucky i didn’t touch myself. But now i have these mages in my mind that i have to forget. I.don’t want to.focus on the world around me that way. It makes me sad and isolated.

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How you been doing man?

Hope all is well with you.