I explained above the one-two combo that takes me out: the physical allergy, and the mind obsession. I would like to compare these 2 problems to another allergy to really see what this means and why my addiction is truly pure insanity.
ALLERGY TO SALMON
Source: This conparison with salmon alergy was first mentioned by Joe and Charlie in their tapes: Big Book comes alive!
This guy is allergic to fish, especially salmon. When he takes even a little bit of salmon his body reacts violently. It is not a joke - and his entire body swells up, even his breathing tubes and tongue wells. If he does not go to the hospital, he may die. When it comes to salmon, he is not normal. He is physically allergic to salmon. This is his condition and he must accept it.
This happens once, or maybe twice, and he decides that he will never eat or touch salmon again. Just to be sure, he make the decision to never eat fish again. It is too risky. This is good and sane thinking. If you are allergic to something that can killing you, dont touch it again.
Now lets say that our guy has another problem - he is obsessed with eating salmon. I know it may sound strange but it is a second problem he has. He has not touched salmon for some time - even years. He sees other people enjoying salmon and fish and nothing happens to them! He starts thinking that he should try it again.
His mind starts to think:
“You know, the last time I ate salmon, I was much younger. It has been so may years, maybe I am better now.”
“You know, the last time I ate a lot of salmon, it was too much for my system. I could just take a small piece and I will be fine. Right?”
“Thinking of it, the last time I had salmon cooked over a fire, but this time I could boil it! Certainely that amount of heat will make it safe.”
“The last time, I was really hungry, I had not eaten anything for the entire day, if I eat salmon on a full stomach, I will be just fine.”
Each of these thoughts seem rational, and intelligent. He is just trying to analyse his problem and find a solution. All these thought would be good as long he was a normal person - not allergic to salmon.
However, he IS allergic to salmon. This is a fact. He knows it because of his previous experience with eating salmon.
His mind is the real problem. It is obsessive. It keeps thinking that there is a way to safely eat salmon. Like my mind that makes me think I can safely lust or look of bikini images.)
We all do this. I did it for years. Trying and trying to lust without triggering the allergy and going to porn and masturbation binges.
His brain is not remembering all the pain the last time he eats salmon, he went to the hospital and almost died. This is really craziness and insane thinking. It is the result of an obsessive mind - if I do it again, I will NOT have the same results, it will be different. Is not that the definition of insanity?
I have this same obsessive thinking problem but it is not about salmon but about lust and sexy girls.
I used the salmon allergy as an example to illustrate how crazy and insane an intelligent person can think when he is obsessed. In real life, people that are allergic to salmon, nuts or other food allergies do just fine. It is not really a problem for them. They live normal lives and their allergy will not kill them or bother them.
Once they learn that they have an allergy to something that can kill them, they never try it again. It is not a problem as long as I dont eat salmon. It is not hard because they just leave it alone. Problem solved. Life goes on. They accept they are allergic - It is their condition and they never eat salmon again.
This is why there are no addiction programs for salmon eaters.
Being allergic is not the problem. If I accept my allergy to lust and never touch it again I am free and safe to live my life. The real problem and what causes me so much pain is the obsession of the mind. It is my thinking, that makes me think that we can do it again that is the real problem.
Hope this making sense. I needed to understand this reality before I could accept that I was powerless and that my little tricks and strategies that I was trying to use to get a few days or a few weeks of no fapping was really not going to cut it when I am dealing with something like this. At least for me, I have proven for myself that I this addiction to lust, porn and masturbation is too strong for me. I need a solution from outside of myself.