Onemanstanding's Diary

[40+ M
I am confident that this diary will help me learn from relapses, regain strength to continue with this battle, and to finally succeed in living totally pmo free.
I have come to this place to find help and support but also to experience companionship. It isn’t easy to get over a pmo addiction on my own.


When did you started nofap ?

I have been hanging out in pre contemplation stage for years. I felt like i wasn’t addicted but i still am. Nine months ago i made a serious,attempt to quit pmo forever. First relapse.after a few weeks. Frpm then I shifted from porn vids to YouTube but I couldn’t stop edging. Summer of 2019 I tried hard to keep away without any support. I had no one to talk to. Two weeks ago I joined this nofap community. Last nght I relapsed and this morning I told my girlfriend about it. Apparently she had been searching for my posts at this forum. Now I have created a new account.


Why are you doing nofap ?
Is your life not worth living ?

@Sahas why this question? Of course my life is worth living. I am enjoying my life very much.

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I feel I have to share something.
First of all, I join nofap because I am convinced that pmo is not good for me. I want no more P in my life. So I consulted a therapist. So I started counting my streaks. And I relapsed after 14 days. I did reset my counter to 0 and told my girlfriend. Now I am almost at day 3. She says I have a serious addiction. Although she’s probably right, that judgement hurts, while so many men don’t even bother about fapping. We do bother. We quit. We support each other. We are growing and getting stronger every day. I.think some women just don’t realize how lucky they are with a man, who wants to be clean. I can’t ask my male friends about there fap habits. I don’t want to listen to their opinion. It’s crazy that I can’t tell the world outside of this community that I have quit fapping. Maybe I should just say it to my friends.

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Then… why are you doing nofap.

You are very lucky guy, to have such a supportive girlfriend with you. I admire how you understand each other! Keep fighting, don’t let each other go.

I keep fighting, but i guess i wasn’t clear about this part.

I mean, we the nofappers, we get stronger every day, not me and my girlfriend. We are losing each other because of my addiction. I don’t feel supported by her, but judged. I know I have to win this fight against pmo on my own. But i also need the community as a safe place to talk about it.

Oh, I see. I’m sorry I misunderstood you.
If it helps you can always write me, I’ll be glad to listen to you and share my thoughts in return.

What I expected is happening. We are breaking up. My girlfriend can’t forget.about my past and doesn’t trust my capability to keep away from pmo

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Hey I feel that man, even though it wasn’t with a girlfriend, I had a similar experience with telling some of my family. I felt very judged, even if my mom was supportive. It was especially hard to tell them when I relapsed, eventually I stopped.

I’m sorry to hear that your relationship didn’t work out. It is a sad thing that girls don’t see quitting as a valuable thing. I think they just don’t realize that every guy does it, but just doesn’t talk about it.

But you are doing the right thing regardless. This community is all we got as you said, we have to stick together.

Hey if you want, you should join me in journaling on the "Check-in" Daily - diary challenge

I journal on there everyday and so do some other guys. It’s pretty helpful for being able to keep track of each other and support one another.

But either way, I’ll be following your diary.

Stay strong man, it gets better :muscle:

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Thanks man, i have already reached 7 days. Staying strong and focussed!


And what I didn’t expect happened. My girlfriend didn’t leave me. She stayed. The judgement and pain hasn’t gone. My shame of my past hasn’t gone. But I am focusing on the present, not the past. I decided to stop therapy, which was just about going back to events that bring up shame and anger. I can’t see the benefit of pulling myself back in a state of being small. I am a grown up guy, father and partner and still enjoying life very much. I am PMO clean for 55 days now… I don’t do Nofap for my girlfriend. I do it because it makes me feel stronger, healthier, more concentrated, better friend, a better version of myself…

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That’s very nice to hear! Congrats on your progress, that’s really inspirational

I agree that you should do this for yourself. Doing this for another person can be a powerful motivation for some time, but in the end we will fail if we don’t have that intrinsic motivation.

Day 61
Still totally OK with my life as it unfolds. I am also aware that nofap has becone a very important self identification. Like being a non-smoker. I don’t do PMO. I don’t need it. I don’t want it to be part of my life.

Laat week at day 63 I relapsed. Totally unexpected. It started with breaking a rule of keeping my phone out of my bedroom. Then peeking, edging, PMO. It’s so obvious. I expected to be stronger in resisting. But I simply didn’t stop. Rule nr 1: don’t start with peeking. Don’t give in to any distraction. Don’t tempt yourself with what you know is no good. Now I am on day 3. It hurts me and my girlfriend to talk about it. It’s sad to admit but good not to lie about it…

6 days. All good. No urges. Rule nr 1 is important as ever: never start peeking. No excuses. Just don’t activate Google or YouTube without exact knowing what to look for.

Every relapse is a slap in the face. It kills self confidence and diminishes self esteem. I try to focus on the good things. Honesty towards myself and this forum. The road ahead, looking towards new achievements. Not looking back at failures in the past. It is so obvious that a state of awareness helps me. A state of tired/bored/frustrated/indifference is very risky. It’s an early sign that I am about to tolerate relapsing.