Day 122
Went to gym, then scrolled a lot through social media. Relapsed.
Day 123-124
Missed gym, went to office and tried to stay productive. In the office I was way more reserved than usual and people notice that, usually happens after relapse where I want to isolate myself and not talk to anyone. Still I tried to mingle a bit. Another thing is that my sleep cycle gets affected a lot as it gets difficult to sleep. I have been trying to limit my time on social media. Also I found some videos on youtube about RO DBT (Radical openness psychotherapy), it seems interesting and can help me in social skills. There is a handout pdf of it also available over internet with exercises that seem genuinely good. Will go over it as I need to improve my social skills. I have been thinking to join a theatre group as that can help me towards the same goal and it might actually be fun, this is something that I also derived after talking to a psychologist last year but really didnāt tried enough to find a theatre group. Iām thinking to start it now, since my job is now a bit more relaxed than my previous company, which was shit and so stressful that they even used to push work over to weekends.
Day 125-126
Started back with gym, went yo office. Got a little upset when my efforts & work wasnāt being recognized.
Day 127
Relapsed because of habit loop. Installed multiple blockers on phone. Will head to gym today & clean my room & finish the book.
Day 128
Relapsed, no p only m.
I am planning to incorporate 30min meditation into the daily routine for one month.
Will also finish reading book on both finance & related to my personal hobby.
Need to go through the the RO DBT lectures as well. It always seems like so much to do at any point in time. So, letās focus on two things for now, 30min meditation. & Finishing hobby book as Iām pretty close to finishing that. While in the mean time gym & sleeping on time is already part of routine which I need to maintain.
Day 129-131
Went to gym, enjoying office, continuing meditation for 30min each day.
Day 132-136
Relapsed today.
Day 137-142
Trying to stay consistent with workout & office. Have been missing meditation though.
Day 143-154
Continuous relapsing episodes that trigger after every 2-3 days.
Defining Sobriety
- Not viewing P
- Not veiwing soft P on youtube/movies/tv series3.
- Not M
- Not fantisizing P in thoughts
- Not mindlessly scrolling on social media short form content
Defining boundaries
- Sleeping at 10:30pm
- Take bath & be well dressed post gym, after waking up
- Write when stressed, asmr, anapana meditation
- When having withdrawal & cravings use TIPPS system or go out
- Limit phone & internet usage
Goals:
Immediate - 1 to 4 days
Short term - 10 days
Medium term - 25 days
M1 - 30
M2 - 40
M3 - 50
Long term - 60 days
L1 - 70
L2 - 80
L3 - 90
Day 155-159
Have been constantly relapsing, also couldnāt continue with gym due to ill health.
Day 160
Relapsed again. Changing the way Iām dealing with this currently as it is becoming very difficult to cope with so many relapses happening now, almost on a daily basis now.
Now will use this forum as a cravings log.
Recording each instance of craving, along with the trigger and delay activity used. Delay activity is a 5mins of doing an activity that doesnāt include screen. Like walking, listening to music, doodling, solving rubric cube, reading few pages from a book, doing dumbell bicep curls, doing pushups, etc.
The format would be -
Craving ##
Trigger:
Feeling / setting:
Delay activity performed:
Day 161-167
7 days clean. I have shifted to a paper & pen diary where I mention 1 line of gratitude and cravings observed if any. So far there werenāt any major cravings however I did struggle a bit with gratitude.
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Day 168-176
Have been relapsing for past few days. One day I had a realization where I couldnāt stop thinking. I just kept questioning myself on why do I relapse? What kind of content I watch? What am I trying to feel & what Iām trying to escape from? Why do I feel so guilty after a relapse?
Having a job right now, is keeping me sane. Will start a fresh again. I realized that I was also missing gym and my small goals. Being a perfectionist I was somewhere cursing myself. Need to learn to love myself. Iām reading a small book by Naval Ravikant on Loving yourself like your life depended on it. Will be posting here again for the next 30 days with my progress on a daily basis.
It has been long now (around 3 months I guess), this will probably my last entry here. I have stopped keeping a track of days. So this entry is not a day entry, neither Iām gonna figure out and change the name of this journal. Iām 28 now. I failed in achieving what I thought I could when I would turn 28. However, I came farther than ever before in the last 14 years. I have been seriously trying to quit pān since I was 24, how did I know that? Well I found a video of me in my laptop when I was so frustated with myself that I tried talking about this issue to myself, using webcam as a mirror. And I look at this young, depressed and dissappointed guy (me) and think to myself he shouldnāt feel this way, and I also thought that I was good looking despite my low self esteem and habit of never appreciating myself.
I havenāt watched pān for more than a month now, I have no intentions to get back to it ever. I did mastrubate like 10-15 days ago, Iām trying to work on it. I donāt think that I have overcome it, no that would be a misjudgemnent on my part. Of what I have read, strong neural pathways in the brain donāt just go away like that, so I will be wary always knowing that I can slip back into it.
I would like to point out all that has helped me in this journey in hope that it helps you too:
- Friends, I found that having friends & being a good friend to your friends heals you in ways you canāt imagine. After all this addiction is all about isolation yet a need for intimacy.
- meditation / talking to yourself/ journaling - anyway in which you can express yourself or analyze your thoughts & feelings helps. It is not a quick fix solution, and it will take a lot of time. But all the time you will spend here is worth it. I got to know more about myself which I was so oblivious of. And there is so much I still would want to know.
- Radical openness (also check out Radical Openness DBT, it is a psychologic method that is helpful, there is a youtube series of the name as well). I guess being truly open & willing to be vulnerable is very helpful. I told about this addiction to two of my friends and to my sister as well. They canāt help me in this journey directly I know, but I want them to know, I donāt want to stay in the shadows. Let them think what they want, this is me, this is what I have done.
- Asking help from a higher power. Iām agnostic when it comes to religion. But I do believe in spirituality and the need to feel that you can talk to a higher power (whether that logically makes sense or not). Most of the things in our lives may not be directly under our control, bad things do happen, unexpected things do happen. What is wrong in asking for help? In my heart at many times I have asked for help (i donāt need to go to a religious place for that).
- Loving yourself - because I didnāt. Iām still pretty new to it. But I know I wouldnāt do all this to myself that was so detrimental to my growth & experience of life if I truly loved myself. And you need to have a good relationship with yourself before you can have a good relationship with anybody else.
- Blockers - I have played a lot with pān blockers for past many years. They are not a permanent solution, and neither are they perfect. But anything that could help you stop and think for a moment is helpful. Afterall addiction is all about going through an automatic habit cycle. Break the cycle whenever you can.
- Using all the support that you can get, but at the same time willingness to help others too - I joined a whatsapp group where I do get to make a friend who is going through similar things. Telling each other our stories, texting each other during urges & discussing strategies when an urge will come up has helped a lot. Always have a strategy when an urge shows up. Also keep a weekly check on how are you feeling. I realised that most of my relapses were at night & due to feelings of sadness, loneliness, FOMO, feelings of inadequacy. Find ways you can fix some of them, so that you donāt need pān to fill that need for you.
- Realize that pān has helped you, we canāt really get dependent on something that doesnāt help us in some way. Most of us are oblivious of the fact that when we got addicted it was because pān was satisfying some deep need that no one else could. However that help turned out to be detrimental and we havenāt moved on to find a better solution to that problem. For example, I used pān to forget or numb out my anxiety / worries & negative feelings. A healthy coping mechanism would be to understand my anxiety, talk to someone, make strategies to deal with what is making me worry, do things that I like when negative emotions arise - food, music, movies, activities, etc
So yeah thatās most of itā¦ I hope you find your way too. It will be a rollercoaster of course. Use all the help you could. But overtime focus on reducing the dependency, focus on reducing the frequency, focus on experiencing more of life, focus on coming out of shadowsā¦
May you be free of the cage that you have build around yourself. May you first find the light and then eventually be the light in someone elseās life.
Goodluck, Good bye & Good life!
Regards,
Kanishk (thatās my real name)
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