June 25, 2018:I have been trying Nofap for the last 3 years now but haven’t been able to get rid of this addiction till today. 35 and 33 are my two best streaks. But i have improved a lot in 2018 with the help of this app. I have had 7 good streaks in 2018: 14, 17, 13, 16, 10, 14 and 11 days!!! I wouldn’t have relapsed today but did because i really missed getting those highs. Just like drugs, i craved for those high feelings, not for sex or lust. It’s kind of strange, perhaps my brain is so screwed up. Without getting those high, life seems somewhat empty and hence i opened that portal to hell again. I really cursed the day i fapped for the first time to porn.
And as far as my progress in 2018 is concerned, here’s my record of relapses which i won’t stop tracking:
January- 7 relapses
Febuary- 7 relapses
March- 6 relapses
April- 4 relapses
May- 5 relapses
June- 2 relapses.
July- 4 relapse
The reason for my relapses are mostly psychological and not sexual. Of course i have often fapped when the urges took hold over me but for the majority part it’s psychological or say cerebral. I think these are the 3 reasons why for the last 3 years i haven’t been able to get rid of this addiction.
- Stress and anxiety including when i am unable to cope with negative thoughts and emotions. Porn gives the comfort, pleasure, recreation and relaxation which atleast for the moment seems like a tranquilizer or a tonic. No wonder it has been my escape, my refuge for a long time. But it perpetuates the very illness, that’s another matter.
- Boredom. Because Porn gives those drugs like high.
- Lack of a really good, strong will power in my personality. But i think i have improved a lot in this sector. It’s the factors 1 and 2 which eventually lead me to relapses.
But i am optimistic that i will eventually come out of this abyss. Compared to 2017 and 2016, i have now a lot more confidence and strength of mind. I used to struggle so hard to get past even 5 days without porn and masturbation back then( the 35 and 33 days streaks were rather an anomaly rather than the norm). I will be writing this diary because today’s relapse has really ignited my determination to overcome this challenge. In 2018, with every relapse i came out stronger and better. With every relapse i worked more on myself and improved myself, slowly but to the core of my being. I will do the Nofap more vigorously this time and will get rid of this addiction.
Here’s my new Nofap goals/rules:
A). It would be Hard mode. No edging or even deliberately looking at erotic contents. If i happen to do so, i would reset my counter to zero. I need a complete healing.
B). The goal is 90 days NoPMO. I will abstain myself even from sex. 90 days is just a number but a good milestone to gauge one’s progress.
I have learned a lot during these 3 years and it would be a shame if i don’t make it happen this time. And i will. Under no circumstances or consequences will i watch porn and/or fap. I stay strong, positive and pure.