Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)


#42

Yes, I do have urges. I do wanna feel good. The weather is really bad -> I don’t get any sun during the day. Then have to study in the evenings. Everything frustrates me. Especially that I still feel like crap from fapping 1.5 days ago. Like a stupid hangover

I do wanna feel good but masturbation is not an option at all. All the time I remember the analogy to drinking. I know it is is not an option. Even though I have one of the strongest urges it’s extremely easy not to fap


#43

It’s late and I should sleep but I think I have to write down these things first. Sorry that it is again a pretty long one xD

For a long time now I’ve been wondering why I’m drawn to porn.
I have a girlfriend, actually the best I can have. We just fit together perfectly. So, I shouldn’t be drawn to other girls. Also in real life, I seldom have the case that I would like to talk to other girls just because they are hot.

How do I feel during watching porn?
I feel like I am searching for something. I’m searching for this moment where something will happen that enlightens me. I don’t watch it because of the porn itself. I watch it because I always have the feeling that something has to come.

What is it that I want to come? Happiness? Feeling like achieve something? The appreciation of girls?

Sure, I guess that I’m currently working too hard and I should make some breaks. But this is just such an old habit that is really hard to change. It really could be an influence that I don’t give my body what he wants.
But the last point hurts the most.

As always in my case, I guess I have to dig deep (it’s important to write this down for myself. If you don’t care about my youth you can just skip this :grinning: )

During the first 6 years of school I was bullied heavily. At the best times I had 1 friend but often they left me pretty fast because every friend of mine was an outsider too. It got a bit better the next 3 years. At least I had 2 friends.
But there wasn’t a single girl even looking at me. The first girl I have talked to (more then the group work at school) was my current girlfriend 6 years ago. Before that, I didn’t talk to a single girl outside the classroom.

Now, I don’t feel like an outsider anymore. I’m strong and I think the people around me do like me. I have many friends (about half of them are male the other half female) and I feel like I could get a new girlfriend whenever I want.

But it feels like my brain wants confirmation or making good for all the years without a single girl in my life. I feel like I’m missing something in life if I hadn’t fucked every single girl on this planet.

One argument supporting the thought that I’m just interested in the approval of girls is that the only thing I’m drawn to is female porns. I don’t feel the urge to watch clips where there is a man. And I only wanna see the girl doing something for me. Doesn’t matter what it is. She could sit there and eat dinner. It doesn’t matter. I just want the girl to appreciate that I’m there.

Other question: why do I care that much about having sex with other girls?
Maybe because I’m not really happy with how it goes at the moment. In the clips everyone is happy. In my life it is more stressful and boring. Due to health problems I’m currently always on top. And that’s not what I like the most. Also, I come way too fast which I hate because I want her to like it. Maybe I feel drawn to sex because I think I have to learn from people who are good at it?

Okay, after writing all this stuff it’s pretty clear what the problem is.
recognition is the only word that immediately brought tears to my eyes.
In my youth I learned that I have to achieve something so that my parents can be proud on myself. So, people only like me if I do something well.
What I’m lacking in my life is people who tell me that they like me. i guess what my mind is telling me during every activity is that I have to be good so that they enjoy my company and hence like me.
If I’m at the climbing gym I would like to start climbing as fast as possible to hang out with my friends and show them that I am good to (most of them are much better) because if I’m bad then they don’t like me.
In my daily life I get a lot of recognition for my work. from friends at school from teachers or at the gym (typically I’m pretty good at what I’m doing). But recognition of my personality doesn’t exist or at least I’m not listening to it. Thinking of it, it feels like I was born deaf. If I scan my day for personal recognition I don’t even know what I should look for. This thing doesn’t exist for me.

One of my friends told me some months ago that he is wondering if he even does have friends. That he does hang out with many people but only to do sports. He doesn’t sit down with people and drink a beer or do something else with em. I didn’t understand him back then but I do it now.
I thought that I got rid of these thoughts that achievements are the only important things in life since this was the main problem of my depression. But I guess I have to learn to listen to people.

Connection and friendship are not about admiration. A fan is not your friend.
From tomorrow on I will start to build a third pillar in my life.
I have a very strong school focused and a climbing focused pillar which are very good because I enjoy both. But both are based on accomplishment. The third one will be about friendship!

Lets see how it goes


#44

:joy: @amadeus.muench you really had time to read the whole thing?
i sometimes feel a little bit wired to write down all these things here but i feel so much better than yesterday. finally i think that i understand that porn doesn’t give me what I need.


#45

Yes, I took the time :slight_smile:
Writing those things down helps a lot, my entries as well are partly for me, and if anyone else can profit from reading them or can strengthen his own beliefs by reading them and feeling connected, all the better! Which is what I felt with parts of what you wrote!
So keep 'em coming :wink:


#46

From today on I will write down every day how much time I approx. spent on PM

Porn was always one option of my brain to flee from stress and problems. So, it’s no wonder that now that I have to learn for my exams, the urge to watch porn gets the strongest.
Yes, I relapse daily but I don’t feel to bad about it. My brain used this strategy for 15 years. I’m sure that one day I will be able to cope with even the hardest moments without the urge for watching porn. But I’m just not ready for that yet.

I told my self that I don’t have to feel to bad if I relapse during the next 4 weeks since it would make all the things even worse. I don’t have spare energy now to fight this addiction. I have to focus on my studies. If I can masturbate for 2min and then learn again for 6hrs. without any urges so be it. It’s currently better than not masturbating and thinking of porn the whole day.

What I wanna have is control. I write down how often I did it and if I only masturbated or also watched pictures. (since I can’t watch any porn clips anymore… thanks amadeus… why did I give you my web protect password :persevere::sweat_smile: ). Also, I think that if I know that I will have to write to all of you what I did during the day I will probably don’t relapse at all.

I think I’m close to beating this addiction. I figured out most of my personal problems and I got so many strategies to get over my urges. As soon as the exams are over I will be back on track and give it the final blow.


#47

had a brief urge today cause I felt extremely tired. but i didn’t fap because i didn’t wanna have to write here that i did it. instead i went to the gym

pretty good day


#48

Okay, I did it on both days. Yesterday I treated porn like coffee. I opened a porn page and let them run in the background of my computer (Most of the time I didn’t actually see them. It was more the comforting feeling that it is there.

Today was much worse. I did watch it, I did fap, I did come.
As coffee, porn did help me for one day to get this little extra burst of energy but similar to coffee it can’t replace a good sleep and healthy mind.

I can’t and don’t wanna replace sleep and meditation with porn. It’s what I did for 15 years. Every time I was stressed, every time I felt the pressure that I have to achieve something, my mind backed up. Either I got sick, depressed or watched porn (or all of them at the same time.)

I don’t wanna do this any more and that’s why I’m here. I wanna quit this cycle of fleeing from responsibilities and expectation.
Instead of backing up I wanna tackle the problems, solve them and move on. Get better! Get better so that, one day, I will have the possibility to help others with all the knowledge I gained.

my girlfriend doesn’t know about my addiction. but she obviously knows how bad I feel when I’m stressed and that i normally get sick because of it. (This is the first ever exam period in which I’m not laying in the bed with fever! I already came a far way).
She once described the pressure, the dead lines, the overwhelming amount of things to learn as a paper-tiger. It looks terrifying and you wanna run away from it. But in the end it’s just out of paper. Fear is how our body reacts to the tiger. But it hasn’t to be like this. You body isn’t against yourself! It tries to help you. But oftentimes we forgot how to listen to it.
From this tiger-symbol i learned that I don’t have to fear responsibility or exams. the tiger wants to help us. He wants to show us that there is something we have to do. That we have to get up and do something. But we mistake his roaring as an aggressive move instead of a helping voice. I have to tackle the things that pressure me instead of fleeing from them and everything will turn out the way that it is meant to take!

Good night forum. See ya tomorrow with a strong, PMO-free day


#49

I can’t even get to a single day anymore :persevere:
I did so well at the beginning. I came to 40 days, 20 and 30 days. But currently the power I had back then is gone. I can’t force myself to resist the urge.

But I found a pattern. The last 5 or so relapses all happened the same way.
I came home or stopped learning and didn’t know what to do. I opened up a computer game and got bored after some time. I opened youtube to check what new videos there are. Obviously I didn’t find something really interesting, so i got bored again. I started fapping because it made everything less boring.

I guess what I have to do is quite simple. Stop doing things that bore me in the first place. I know exactly that the game is not what I really want to do. I know exactly that there aren’t enough good videos on Youtube worth watching. But I keep doing it.

I repeat myself her but I keep forgetting it. And this time I will be strict about this single rule! Every time before I start a new activity I sit down, “meditate” for 5 minutes and think about what I want to do next. I don’t start a single activity just out of habit. I hope that with this, I only do what I want to do and hence don’t get bored. If I feel bored I will again sit down and think about what I wanna do.
Also I will write post-its as a reminder and stick em to every place where I typically start doing shit.


#51

that is exactly my problem. instead of handling the boredom, i immediately do shit instead of thinking what i could do. i can’t cope with boredom
because it is my habit i immediately open youtube or my computer (or porn) if i feel bored. the sitting down and think part is not about doing nothing and learning what boredom is. it should help me to do only things that i wanna do. i stead of immediately turn my computer on (out of habit) i think about it. do i really wanna open it? or is there something that i would prefer right now


#52

How about setting up some life goals, small and big, short term and long term. E.g. learning a new language, building an app, etc. So that you lessen the time to be bored and work on your goals instead


#53

definitely wanna do that.
i guess i wrote a bit too less about my current situation.
i’m happy with how life’s going. also i have a lot to do (i’m currently learning for my masters studies). soooo, theoretically i have enough things to do. maybe boredom is the wrong word for what is going on. maybe fear of not knowing what to do is better. it’s not that i’m sitting at home, not knowing what to do but more the moments between two activities. i guess i fear that if i end one activity (for example learning) that i don’t know what to do next (even though i would have enough things i wanna do)
so my brain always triggers the thing that it tells me “better watch porn instead of having the possibility of not knowing what to do”


#54

I see. Yeah, i can relate with that uncomfortable time in between tasks.


#55

I use Habitica to track what I need to do. Its a task manager with RPG elements. If you procrastinate, your character looses health. This is a nice, healthy and productive alternative for my past, gaming addiction. Fully recommend!


#56

i definitely have to look into that
remindes me of my gaming past too.

i find it always fascinating how similar most of the journeys here in this forum are


#57

Porn with gaming is one of the worst and most common connections.


#58

Some days ago I wrote an update to my happy mind guide, so I thought that it would help me to write here a bit about how I currently feel.

First, and most important, after half a year of searching I found out why I’m addicted to porn.
Every time during watching porn I felt that I was searching for something. My urge was, that I was looking for a certain feeling. But during watching porn I realized that I don’t find it. I wasn’t able to close the tap again since it could be that just the next clip could give me what I was searching for. Obviously it never happened but neither was I able to stop.

For half a year now, I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that I’m searching. And what I found out last week is that it is personal recognition. I never allowed myself to believe that people liked me because of my traits. I do have a lot of very good friends but I put them either in a category “people with whom I go climbing” or “people from my school”. I didn’t allowed myself to believe that these really are my friends. That’s why I watched porn. I subconsciously was searching for people who like me and obviously I never found them during watching porn.
All of this is definitely related to my youth as all my problems are. I was bullied heavily during my 3.-6. grade. I haven’t had a single friend and was alone all the time. I got my first friends and recognition when I started gaming since I was really good at it. From there on I started to believe that people only like me if I’m good at something.

Coming back to the model of the tree, things correlated with my addiction were:

  • Depression
  • This friend thing mentioned above
  • The pressure to perform
  • perfectionism
  • Shame / guilt

This weekend, I will cut the last one: the shame and guilt.
I just can’t life with this secret anymore. I have a girlfriend which I love above everything else. We are together for 5 years and we know that we are meant for each other. I just have to tell her this secret. I feel that this is the only way to give the addiction the final blow. It’s grip is weaker than ever, the urges feeling like a last rebellion of the addiction to convince me to keep it but I won’t.
I will tell my girlfriend the whole story and I’m pretty sure that she will understand it. With that, I will take away the last support the addiction has and I will be able to knock the infested tree over once and for all!
(I know many will think “Don’t tell her, you are just destroying the trust or relationship” but I just can’t. I feel like I’m betraying her, I feel just horrible not being able to talk about it with someone. Once I told her, I will be able to discuss my problems with her which will help a lot. Also I will have the strongest accountability partner ever.)


#59

Be strong man, what you will do is probably some of the hardest things that humans can do. How many times I wanted to make exactly that: told to someone next to me what I fully did, but I could not yet do that.

But for you that finally mustered this courage for it, just think how would you feel like if you was your girlfriend. You will want to know the truth, even if this is sad? Or prefer the truth is hidden? You know the answer. You gotta do this, even if the truth hurts, only good can comes after because the trust will be there.

I just want to do the same before it’s too late for me.


#60

Thanks for your support.
I’m really scared of it but it will lead our relation and my addiction to the next step.
I will write about it as soon as I did it. This weekend my parents probably aren’t at home -> best timing (I don’t want them to be there when I’m crying which I definitely will :sweat:

Wish you all the best too! I think it is definitely better to tell because eventually she will find out. I prefer telling her all the background rather then her finding it out on her own.


#61

I have to learn for the last few exams. But I almost can’t learn anymore. As always the last day of the exams will also be the last day with energy for learning inside myself. Like a race. The semester is a slight jog and the exams are the sprint at the end leaving me exhausted. But that’s okay.

The problem is that this makes relapsing very likely. The last few days I opened a site maybe 2 or 3 times (the porn blocker on the smartphone really isn’t great) but each time I scrolled through the options for a while but I was bored or it just wasn’t what I wanted to see and I closed it again. (I don’t count it as relapse since this is more something that shows me that something is changing and that porn is loosing it’s grip on myself)
But just now I was on my way to the bathroom with a boner because I just wanted to fap. The urge was so huge.
But while closing the door something inside me just said “no”. It was a calm and simple “no” but it had such a huge force behind that I lost every single urge and went back to my room.

Maybe the force in which I believe is helping me again. I’m not religious at all but during my depression I found something I can believe in since something did help me some years back when I wanted to suicide. It prevented me from doing it and healed me somehow with it’s power. Feeling this power again really makes me believe that I do have to quit for a reason.


#62

Great bro, keep going!
Try to avoid the peeking on pages too and then some time atfer you will lose even the desire to open it.
Also when we focus on the benefits, like, why we are doing nofap, our force to stop the urge increases.
Weaken your enemy by not feeding him and by feeding your friend.
Let’s do our best for all of the people dear to us, ourselves included! :grin::+1: