It’s late and I should sleep but I think I have to write down these things first. Sorry that it is again a pretty long one xD
For a long time now I’ve been wondering why I’m drawn to ■■■■.
I have a girlfriend, actually the best I can have. We just fit together perfectly. So, I shouldn’t be drawn to other girls. Also in real life, I seldom have the case that I would like to talk to other girls just because they are hot.
How do I feel during watching ■■■■?
I feel like I am searching for something. I’m searching for this moment where something will happen that enlightens me. I don’t watch it because of the ■■■■ itself. I watch it because I always have the feeling that something has to come.
What is it that I want to come? Happiness? Feeling like achieve something? The appreciation of girls?
Sure, I guess that I’m currently working too hard and I should make some breaks. But this is just such an old habit that is really hard to change. It really could be an influence that I don’t give my body what he wants.
But the last point hurts the most.
As always in my case, I guess I have to dig deep (it’s important to write this down for myself. If you don’t care about my youth you can just skip this 
)
During the first 6 years of school I was bullied heavily. At the best times I had 1 friend but often they left me pretty fast because every friend of mine was an outsider too. It got a bit better the next 3 years. At least I had 2 friends.
But there wasn’t a single girl even looking at me. The first girl I have talked to (more then the group work at school) was my current girlfriend 6 years ago. Before that, I didn’t talk to a single girl outside the classroom.
Now, I don’t feel like an outsider anymore. I’m strong and I think the people around me do like me. I have many friends (about half of them are male the other half female) and I feel like I could get a new girlfriend whenever I want.
But it feels like my brain wants confirmation or making good for all the years without a single girl in my life. I feel like I’m missing something in life if I hadn’t fucked every single girl on this planet.
One argument supporting the thought that I’m just interested in the approval of girls is that the only thing I’m drawn to is female porns. I don’t feel the urge to watch clips where there is a man. And I only wanna see the girl doing something for me. Doesn’t matter what it is. She could sit there and eat dinner. It doesn’t matter. I just want the girl to appreciate that I’m there.
Other question: why do I care that much about having sex with other girls?
Maybe because I’m not really happy with how it goes at the moment. In the clips everyone is happy. In my life it is more stressful and boring. Due to health problems I’m currently always on top. And that’s not what I like the most. Also, I come way too fast which I hate because I want her to like it. Maybe I feel drawn to sex because I think I have to learn from people who are good at it?
Okay, after writing all this stuff it’s pretty clear what the problem is.
recognition is the only word that immediately brought tears to my eyes.
In my youth I learned that I have to achieve something so that my parents can be proud on myself. So, people only like me if I do something well.
What I’m lacking in my life is people who tell me that they like me. i guess what my mind is telling me during every activity is that I have to be good so that they enjoy my company and hence like me.
If I’m at the climbing gym I would like to start climbing as fast as possible to hang out with my friends and show them that I am good to (most of them are much better) because if I’m bad then they don’t like me.
In my daily life I get a lot of recognition for my work. from friends at school from teachers or at the gym (typically I’m pretty good at what I’m doing). But recognition of my personality doesn’t exist or at least I’m not listening to it. Thinking of it, it feels like I was born deaf. If I scan my day for personal recognition I don’t even know what I should look for. This thing doesn’t exist for me.
One of my friends told me some months ago that he is wondering if he even does have friends. That he does hang out with many people but only to do sports. He doesn’t sit down with people and drink a beer or do something else with em. I didn’t understand him back then but I do it now.
I thought that I got rid of these thoughts that achievements are the only important things in life since this was the main problem of my depression. But I guess I have to learn to listen to people.
Connection and friendship are not about admiration. A fan is not your friend.
From tomorrow on I will start to build a third pillar in my life.
I have a very strong school focused and a climbing focused pillar which are very good because I enjoy both. But both are based on accomplishment. The third one will be about friendship!
Lets see how it goes
). Also, I think that if I know that I will have to write to all of you what I did during the day I will probably don’t relapse at all.
