Neo's Diary: I will definitely win

Date: 27 march 2020
2 days 18 hours…completed

I keep myself busy in some stuff…games, study, music etc.

Not watching any kind of movie scenes (especially trailers) because you know there must be some content in trailers which is enough to trigger you.

But today i was feeling like… umm …same feeling when you are scared or feeling insecure. Idk what was it and why was it.

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Date: 28 march 2020
3 days 16 hours completed

Good day… only one urge in night but literally i knew that that kind of urge may be occur… so i was prepared for it.

Learning from last day:
You have to know yourself like your strengths…weakness… things for which you are really serious… your beliefs…etc

You must be aware your patern… like now what i feel is upto 4th day… i can tell exactly what kind of feelings and urges etc. I can have on 1 day…2nd day…4th day.

Really this helps me yesterday.

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Date: 29 march 2020
4 days 18 hours…completed

It was quite easy day… no urges.

Actually i know… i am not gonna have urge on 5th and 6th day.

I am predicting that i will have urge in night of 6th day and 7th day( i have never crossed it).

Idk but i have failed in this 7 day cycle so many time that i remember all the days which were tough.

#MY Next target is to plan something crazy to do on 7th day so that i will not have a minute to even feel urges.

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Food for thought, think of it as an impulse rather than an urge. Why? An impulse is a shorterm gain trading for longterm longevity. Keep at it brother your on the journey take in the experiences.

I love you but I can’t learn it for you

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Date: 30 march 2020
5 days 20 hours… completed

It was an easy day… quite busy in my studies… as my days are increasing… my efforsts…my priorities… and my zeal… for my studies( which is really important at this time for me) is increasing day by day.

This is the only reason…i want to get out this addiction… i have failed or performed just average so many times… in my life due to this addiction…it sucks out that zeal from life.

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Date: 31 march 2020
6 days 18 hours…completed

So my prediction was partially right… and here i am after night of 6th day.

I got serious urge at night… obviously i was prepared…had some plans…but still it was there in night… but today 7th day… it is going easy till now…no urges… or i should say…may plan for this day is working… praying to God…give me strength and focus in night…today.

So last night… I was TESTED by nature or by this addiction…or by my brain… idk but now i feels like everything was coming to me to trigger me.
My plan was to play game and watch my favourite web series in which i could completely indulge.

  1. First trigger…i laid down on bed… but no sleep was thee in my eyes… so i played games…then webseries… a sex scene came… i skip that part and continue watching web series.

  2. Second trigger… i felt so sleepy and as i turn off my phone to sleep… sleep had gone in an instant… and here my mind rewind that sex scene again and again…like it was saying to me… jerk off…but i do not respond to it…i also do not want to touch my phone becoz i knew…i will not control my craving to see that scene completely… amd i knew the results of it.

  3. Third and final trigger: It was erected and i was waiting to be the things normal… my phone rings…it was my gf…at 3 am… but i knew…that if answered that call then things will go out from my hand… so i didnt answered it… it rings again…and i thought may be there is some problem… So i picked it… she was sleepless too and horny (cant tell the whole thing from here)… but it was a real test for me… but i managed and tell some lies to her…and then i slept at 4 am…

Learning: i managed all things just because… i was expecting all of it… so my mind was fully prepared to fight. So as i got some trigger point… my mind kept reminding me…that you have a target… only 5 days more… so it did not happen.

Really happy that i made it.

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Date: 1 april 2020
7 days 13 hours…completed

I am so happy that i have achieved my primary target… now i will break that cycle…from avg. Of 2 days per relapse to 7 days(atleast) between every relpase.

May be it does not sounds good… but it will make a very big difference… that is… from 20 or 25 relapses per month to…only 4(atmost) relapse in april and in future months.

This addiction took everything from me… each and everytime…i played just avg… mediocre… where i could be the winner… but now… i will break this habit into pieces and win…
#NO MERCY… JUST FIGHT AND KILL IT.

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