Need a companion to break free from nice guy syndrome

[Tagore]

Sharing code - tn1ii4

Current streak - 57 days
Highest streak - 57 days and counting
Age - 19
Gender - M
Location - INDIA

Why I want a companion -

I need a serious accountability partner to break free from this nice guy belief system. First I’ll tell my story and will give some of the traits of nice guys. If you can relate to these please join me. Accountability would really be helpful since this requires a change in our belief systems and complete seriousness. We’ll follow the practical steps given in the book ‘No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover’. It is a very practical and great book for this.

My story: Till class 7th I was a boy who had my own decisions, my own priorities and goals. But after 8th everything started changing. From then on, I never used to say ‘no’ to anything even if I know that is harmful. My friends started ruling me. I think that if I do everything right and please everyone then they’ll be nice to me and I’ll be famous. I also had this want to be needed by others. So I act entirely different when Iam in front of some friends. I take in their life style, beliefs and adopt to it. Then behave the way they want me to behave rather than how I want myself to, deep inside. With girls I was always a ‘yes’ man and tried to solve all their problems thinking that they’ll date me. But no shit happened. They said: ‘you are a great guy, someday you’ll make some girl very happy’. Fuck! They always friendzoned me. All these happened because of my fucked up false beliefs and porn also came along with that which completely destroyed my self esteem and character. I was completely unsatisfied with my high school days and 1st year of my college. I feel like Iam living for someone else’s priority not mine. I even started drinking when I went to college to fit in with the group.

Some traits of nice guys: (from the book 'no more Mr nice guy)

Every Nice Guy is unique, but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a script, often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these
traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number.

Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These
men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and
appreciate them.

Nice Guys fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice
Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).

Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of
validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women.

Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing
things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that
others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.

Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things. Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy,
problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything,
nothing should ever go wrong.

Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as
a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel.

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable,
absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a
decision at some point in their lives to try to be 1 80 degrees different from Dad.

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. Due to their childhood
conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends. Nice Guys frequently seek the approval of women
and convince themselves they are different from other men. They like to believe that they are not selfish, angry, or abusive — traits they link to “other” men.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others’ needs ahead of their own.

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are
only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate
relationships.

The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:

IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
• THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder.

I can relate to almost all the traits that the author talked about in the book. I seriously want to change these beliefs and become an, integrated male, as said in the book. If you can relate to these contact me. We’ll read one chapter a day and follow the practical steps in the book. This is a serious issue which needs immediate attention (if you are a nice guy) otherwise we’ll regret on our deathbed.

[neo_150]

brother, as you know I don’t read books( may be till now because of PMO, I did not enjoy reading).

All the experience and improvement I am having today in me is by following:

• learning and applying from self improvement videos from youtube(25%)

• From my elder brother’s experience (25%) as they always tell me about practical things and aspects from their life and experience,

• From my parents(40%), My father is my idol, I have learned those things from him which are not told in schools… I learned power of Honesty, be kind to others, power in forgiveness, power in respect and POWER OF SATISFACTION IN LIFE( that is SANTOSH DHAN in hindi… IDK the right word for it). He is not that rich and he know I am not satisfied with his SATISFACTION IN LIFE(SANTOSH DHAN) thought… I want to be real rich and also want to contribute to my country… BUT HE ALWAYS TELL ME THAT MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING… THERE IS NOTHING WRONG TO EARN MONEY AND PUT THAT MONEY TO HELP OTHERS… THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN WORSHIP TO FREE YOUR SOUL from this life cycle (MUKTI or MOKSH in hindi) but TO BECOME SATISFIED FROM LIFE IS A REAL DEAL.

• Remaining 10% is from my OBSERVANCE… this is a God gift to me (WHAT I THINK)… I am a very good observer. (I can elaborate about this strength of mine if you want).

So why I wrote about my experience souces? because I want to relate it to the traits you defined of a NICE GUY…

FIRST OF ALL… I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR RIGHT DECISION IN THIS WORLD… THE THING WHICH DECIDES WHAT IS WRONG OR WHAT IS RIGHT IS THE “REASON AND MOTIVE BEHIND EVERY ACTION”

For example: If you are kind to others and talk nicely then is it wrong?
YES… if you want to make them happy or if you are just showing off.
NO… If you actually want to be a good person FOR YOURSELF to have inner peace and NOT ONLY TO SHOW OTHERS.

Ok So now you can understand my thought process behind every action, I will say YES and NO about the traits that if I have those or not in me at present… then you can decide by yourself… If I fall in the category of a nice guy or not? okay brother

Nice Guys are givers.— YES(But not always and I do not give a fuck if they love me or not…even from my experience mostly people are EHSAN FARAMOSH TYPE…they never feel that I helped them in their hard times)

Nice Guys fix and caretake— YES(same as above)

Nice Guys seek approval from others— No( but I discuss my decisions with some selected friends and family members and then after considering all the advice from them I take my own decision)

Nice Guys avoid conflict.—YES(I always try to do things which may hurt my parents, to some of my family members including some friends and my GF… I care about only these people… also I always try to stick with right thing)

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes---- No( I always accept my mistake but also believe that TAALI DONO HATH SE BAJTI H )

Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things— YES( I believe that I can plan for anything and sort it out in my way and expect results as I desired… BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A KEY TO HAVING A HAPPY AND PROBLEM FREE LIFE… HAPPINESS IS FROM INSIDE)

Nice Guys repress their feelings— Don’t know( I do a lot of analysis but IDK what do you mean by FEELING ON AN EVEN KEEL)

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers---- NO

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men—NO(I am comfortable with one girl only and All other best friends are BOYS)

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority---- YES( again it is limited to some people only)

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center.---- YES( Here in partner I am considering 5 peoples… My mother, father, sister, GF and 1 friend… I CANNOT BE STAY HAPPY IF THEY ARE IN PROBLEM OR UNHAPPY)

So what do say brother? BDW I am always ready to help you because you are a strong man and working hard to improve yourself. You are on the path of greatness brother @Tagore

[anon15901281]

I think I can help you. I don’t give a fuck of what people has to say about nice guys, I know how is one (I’ve been one my early school days). Count me in!

[Tagore]

Thanks my brothers @neo_150 @Adioz @anon15901281. I’ll text you guys personally. As @anon15901281 said, it is a more complex thing. Only someone who was a nice guy can understand what happens in their mind.

@neo_150 you are not a nice guy . I think you don’t need any fix in your character man. @Adioz too. But ■■■■, my childhood experiences all those things combined together and fucked up my character a lot. Even though Iam an enthusiastic, passionate motherfucker following my goals like a beast. Iam a nice guy. I have to accept that. But I promise I’ll change and will become an integrated male.