My way/experiments to new beginning

Day 0
After 2 days of streak again failed but it was a little different today. I felt like i was watching it not for the video or the scene in such i was actually listening more and anticipating what i want or how want to be felt. It felt a little control because i started the day with a morning routine i guess meditate for 10 min. Might be that or something else i dont know. We all know it has became a habit in itself i tryed convincing my self that it was my last day but it never came. I have many other addiction like gaming, watching youtube, poker games, some i dont know along with bad habits. I need to change i need to improve i cant be the same man each day i have been over this previous month. I know a little of how to improve, i know the things to apply, i need to get strong to be able to apply it . I know its the 1st day not even been a 30min after my relapsed i always felt come on i just relapse today day is gone nothing is left ti do in this day but thats not true their are still couple of hours which i can grind and make this a little worst then what it has became. I need ti accept the fact that the day i hope is last is gone now that time to come out of the shell has come. I cant promise anything right now i have lost my confidence but i will come and right on each day each time i get a urge to vent my feelings doesnt matter the energy the time the feeling the power i will come and right this is the 1st commitment from the new born me.
If u feel you can help me please do soo or if u wish to join me i would love that i havent had a partner or if u wish to watch me grow that is too welcomed.

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Sorry this is so tough on you. i see this addiction as self harm because i used it unconsciously to punish myself for the shame i held on to. If you can gather all the shameful and sexual memories of your life, write an essay and read it to a group of people then your willpower will be able to flourish.
I know I know, it sounds embarrassing and cringe, but I have done the 90 day reboot four times and i can tell you that supin’ yourself up with declarations doesn’t last long. Lust is that powerful.

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Day - 01 complete
A little achievement i guess a tiny step towards freedom. Today days was fairly good i did play game might be for a hour did watch youtube and got for 2 or 3 hour but the positive is i studied not as much i thought or had in mind or the method i had but its great to start something worth growing for. Had urges while watching got but controlled them trying to implement drinking a bottel daily habit hopefully will stick to it. Will try to study as much as possible tomorrow will make a commitment to not get distracted and focus for longer time than today and increase it to 3 session rather than 1 i did.
Radhe Radhe

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