I come from a Christian family. I was not supposed to watch movies, I am not supposed to have lust towards any women and I am not supposed to have a girlfriend even… And I tried my best regarding all those as long as I was at home.
I started masturbation when I am 16 years old when I was preparing for IIT entrance… Once I joined IIT, I got a single room and all the freedom I could get, started exploring porn, the worst kind, coupled with masturbation, it was so much fun. But that didn’t stop there, I soon wanted a girlfriend, and then hookups on the side, then I started talking with many many women and that fun didn’t end there… 3 years later, I started smoking cigarettes, soon after I got addicted to something else (sorry, not comfortable mentioning it), studies gone bad, cgpa went downhill, stopped going to classes, all day everyday it was smoking, involved with both addictions. My friends were all addicts too, and to be honest, loved the addictions over women. Soon after, I started smoking over 25 cigarettes a day for almost 9 months… Got thin, lips got black, I looked worse. Too scared to go home and I stayed at college for 1 and half year, stopped church, stopped bible studies.
One day I decided to quit my addiction and I did… Cold turkey. I prayed to god to help me during those days, but certainly I didn’t feel like my condition improved. I suffered from a lot of side effects of quitting for almost 6 months, I was having migraines for days, was shaking, nightmares, insomnia sometimes and the list goes on. Also thought of smoking repeating in my head. After 6 months, I was out of the side effects but I got anxiety… I had it 24x7, to escape that, I had to focus on movies and such but it still didn’t help, everything looked so scary. Couldn’t go to classes, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t talk to friends. I prayed to god in tears for help. When I felt like I received no such help, I became agnostic, started questioning if god exists. Tried to solve things on my own, although its improved a little bit, things are nowhere near normal. It continued for 4 years. No peace of mind, no happiness. I am still doing my graduation in IIT and that was 7th year of my four year course. I started saving money and visited a psychiatrist where I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, took meds for 3 months and stopped. Things improved. Then took a 6 month break, stayed at home where I have come clean about my anxiety to my parents, their worry seemed very cute to me, clearly shows their love. I didnt tell about my addictions though. Regarding studies, You have to know 8 years was the limit in IIT, if I couldn’t clear, I am out without graduation. That is a scary picture. But looking at my cgpa, clearing in 8 years was impossible. Basically I need two 8 pointers of sgpa in 2 semester to get out and I only got one semester chance… So I was called back from 6 months leave back to campus, they asked me to show a medical certificate and attend a board of doctors where they will see if I am fit, and I have to take my father with me. I prayed to god not to let my parents know about my addictions. All though all were written in medicals, and my parents are just beside me, none of the authorities talked about it and my parents didn’t ask me to show the medicals. It was like a miracle. I finished that semester with 7 sgpa, which is not good enough but better than before. But during that semester, I started getting completely out of anxiety, Now, the issue was if college will allow me for another semester. Mom prayed and believed they will let me. Luckily, another miracle was, without even consulting me, they let me… It never happened before in the campus history. Now I got a chance. I worked super hard, first bench, attended classes, was in regular contact with profs, some were very close to me… Gave my exams and came home… I was needing 8.27 sgpa, and believe me there is no chance of me getting it, may be a 7 or 7.5 but no chance of 8.27…and if I miss it, I can forget about graduation, at 28 years, all I would be having will be a class 12 degree, that too after being an IITian… College wont let me back and I prayed to god, to listen to my prayer and help me… and when result came, I graduated with 8.76 sgpa which was top 3 in class. Being literally last ranker, to top 3 that too among the smartest people, there is no way i could do it… Then and there I thought I will give religion another chance. Then after a while, I stopped talking with all the girls whom I thought were a negative effect on me. Then stopped masturbation. Then broke up from a toxic relationship which was going on since I took that break. Today is my 88th day of NO PMO.
In middle of this PMO, I realized. So I smoked, done things I never should have, but even though god is punishing me for all of it, he helped me to get out of those addictions… Although he made me suffer career wise, he helped me when I have no more chances left. On top of that, he made me believe even strongly on him by doing that miracle in my life which is my graduation. And when I started believing in him, he gave me the strength to get out of other sins I have been doing, the women, the porn, masturbation… So it was like a master plan he had for me.
Now I read bible, pray regularly, listen to sunday worships, I keep asking him, do your will in my life but let me be more like you. There is no anxiety, totally out of it. And even if it comes in future, I have no worry, I can get out of it. Learned tips from doctors I have visited. It wont bother me anymore. Nor women because I will let my parents decide a girl from me by their prayers. I decided I wont be in any relationships anymore… I have no guilt in my head, i have the peace of mind, the happiness, the confidence, there is nothing else I could ask for. Everything is right in my life. Currently preparing for govt exams, banks, sebi, rbi, ssc, etc…
Its been 5 years or so I quit both of my addictions, 1 year since I am out of anxiety, 6 months since I stopped talking with all the unnecessary girls in my life, 87 days since I last masturbated or watched porn, 3 weeks since I got out of a toxic relationship. All I do is study, spend time with family… No stress, no worries. Life is good. I am back to being how I was before all the shit storm…
( sorry that I made you guys read such a long message)
Also thank you to the ones that read it, you do really have a lot of patience hehe.
This is the plan guys, just rise above everything. All our addictions, just get out of it… Takes time, patience is needed but you guys definitely can. Just don’t give up hope. And dont relapse… Remember once you quit PMO, there is only one enemy that is Relapse. Dont. Just dont. Avoid it whatever the cost.