I thought I can share some revelations I had during the last weeks.
I see that a lot here (and I made the same mistake) that people try to simply cut away porn. Forcing to not use the phone and so on.
But I realized, that porn has a function for me. It lets me flee from my emotions.
I realized following path:
- I am in an uncomfortable situation (I need to make a phone call, prepare a powerpoint for the next meeting, ask someone for a favor and so on. It could also be something like: Why didn’t I stick to my opinion in front of him, why did I act like that?)
- Since for some unresolved issues I fear to do them, I start to procrastinate and work instead on something else but I always have the uncomfortable knowledge that I should do the other thing in the back of my mind
- Since the uncomfortable feeling gets stronger and stronger, I need more and more pleasure to feel okay and keep going
- I start by checking my phone more regularly. I start to check the news, watch youtube or twitch, or download games
- As a last resort, I open porn
For a long time, I didn’t realize this. I thought that I was doing so well for 3 days but then, all of a sudden I relapse and I don’t know why. But it doesn’t happen all of a sudden. It is a cascade of events.
What I realized is, that there is no need for feeling uncomfortable (expect by threats of your or another persons health). There is no reason to feel uncomfortable because you have to present in a meeting or you have to go to a job interview. Work doesn’t need to feel negative.
So, whenever I realize that I don’t want to do something and start to procrastinate or when I realize that I feel uncomfortable, I sit down and dive into the feeling and observe where it comes from. This feels horrible at the beginning because there are tons of emotions which we suppressed by using porn for so long. But I feel like it is the only way to really get free of our crutches (not only the addiction to porn but also to gaming, social media, TV…)
The thing is, we can either tackle our problems and feel good afterwards, or we can use games, social media, porn and so on to run away from our problems and to hid from them