I guess everyone of us knows the first step of recovery and performed it by himself.
- accept that you have a problem
I did that too. Multiple times during my time in this forum. I know that porn is a huge problem and that I have to change that. But that is where my huge mistake started .
I know, many don’t like my approach of nofap. Maybe because I don’t accept that it is only about not watching porn and masturbate or because I don’t give you the short solution or THE solution. My way for recovery is accepting that it is a long journey. Not a 90 day push. That you have to work for every single step you do and that you don’t get anything for free. I don’t belive that we recover by simple focus on not fapping. You wanna have benefits? Then WORK for them.
For the people still reading : After 1 year of searching I guess I finally found my true problem. Obviously, you can’t accomplish step one in recovery if you don’t know which problem you have to accept. That’s why I feel extremely happy and at the same time, I see all the work that needs to be done.
Just a brief background of my life (Don’t wanna make it an endless post )
Bulling because I was special -> low self esteem -> started gaming -> gaming addiction -> went into porn and all that stuff. I guess you can imagine the story.
The Problem I wanna confess:
- I hated my life when I was younger. The emotional pain was too much and I searched for a way out. A way to live without pain, without emotions. That’s where the deal started. I exchanged all emotions, good, as well as bad and created a fictional life. One, where I was able to come home and flee from everything. I needed tools for that. In my case gaming, youtube, twitch, my smart phone and porn.
You see where that leads to, and that is what most people don’t like. There is no easy fix for my problem and many of you are describing the exact same problem without knowing. It’s of little use to me, if I quit porn. Porn is only a tool. If I stop watching porn, I will just escape into more youtube, twitch, smartphone, TV and so on. Porn is not the problem.
My problem is this fictional world and I have to shatter it!
The last few days where extremely painful. I deleted all my accounts. I shattered the whole fictional world and don’t allow myself to flee anymore. Instead, I try to mediate. To start to feel again, what life should be. It’s really hard to describe what I feel about my two worlds i live in right now. I think following explanation comes the closest:
- All these years, I imagined how my life should look like. I was standing inside an endless tunnel and drew my life and goals on the side walls. I was surrounded by my life and still didn’t experience it.
What I’m feeling now, is stepping outside of the tunnel and feel these images I drew onto the walls. I see the same things, as I drew before onto the wall. But now, I experience them.There are times during the day, where I FEEL life not just imagine it. Even if these moments are scarce, they give me hope that I’m on the right path.
I really hope that some people read this. Maybe some of you can see yourself with the same problem, maybe you don’t have the same problem but maybe it is like a tiny seed of thought that there is something larger than nofap. Something larger than simple challenges.
I don’t wanna say that everyone has the same problem, but I would bet, many do.
Thanks for reading