My Journey [ 1st Month experiences of Hard Mode ]

Death is better than a Relapse
Day 7
God Mode

Felt better at few moments. Laughter with family… few good moments. Nothing new. Just the same. Death is better than a Relapse. Trust me. A relapse is a never ending torture. I am realy a victim of it. My life is a living hell. So much pain. So much depression. So much fear. So much anxiety. A complete living dead … Shitful life. I hate this life.

I want to Rise Again.

Day 8
Same fucking miserable life.

Little improvement in health
Day 9
God Mode

I am feeling better, there is an improvement in health. Today i will do some light excercise in evening. Also lets increase some study time.


Day 10
God Mode

2 complete years have passed in failure. My highest streak is 32 days. Though i have achieved 1 month streak many times … its like i have made a habit of failing after 30 days.
Whats the reasons of my failure ?

  1. I want benefits quickly and when i dont get any for a long time… i break down in front of stress.
  2. I am not ready to face myself. I run away from my reality in form of fap, porn and drugs.

To Rewire myself …

  1. I have to be patient and accept the misery as part of the process.
  2. I am a loser and thats it. I can change that with positive attitude and little by little … i can raise myself as a Winner.

I have to face myself and stay patient… it is a Test … and none can pass without facing it.

I am Ready

1 Like

Fall is easy, Climbing is Difficult
Day 11
God Mode

Had to take 1/2 of the dose… body is weak… on 2nd day it wants it dose badly… 3 hrs. Of no sleep makes the atmosphere like a horror movie… sound of motor from refrigerator… sounds too loud… ringing alarm… into anxiety… and the system cry for help… and go to the kitchen to take 1/4th of the dose again in middle of the night at 2 am to sleep in peace.
I remember how i had quited these pills last time. I had 3 streaks that time of one month each in a sequence. My social anxiety was gone and i was strong that time… hence the body had endured the pain of the drug withdrawl easily…

For now… i will take 1/2 of the dose tonight… then 1/4th … then… 1/2… 1/4th… and then on 15th day. . I will try again… to get my system habitual to 1/4th of the dose.

Good bye for now.


Tasted The Blood & i am hungry now
Day 12
God mode

Yesterday i found that feeling which i was searching for… it lasted for few seconds… In that few seconds i was walking without thinking… it was a natural motion with good posture. I completly forgot my anxieties in that moment and became one with my emotions.

Now that i have tasted it … i am hungry for more…

1 Like

Keep Holding On… A song i was listening to…
Day 13
god mode

You’re not alone, Together we stand…I’ll be by your side …You know I’ll take your hand …When it gets cold And it feels like the end There’s no place to go… You know I won’t give in… No, I won’t give in .Keep holding on 'Cause you know we’ll make it through… We’ll make it through …Just stay strong 'Cause you know I’m here for you. I’m here for you. There’s nothing you could say… Nothing you could do . There’s no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on 'Cause you know we’ll make it through We’ll make it through…

Wetdream/Nightfall/Nocturnal emission
Day 14
God mode

At 5 a.m i had a dream in which i was watching hot stuff on a screen and i ejaculated. On ejaculation i come to my senses. I went to bathroom changed my shorts and urinated. After a wetdream … You should urinate to avoid pain in abdomin.

:black_small_square:What is a Wetdream ?
Basicaly when we ejaculate while sleeping is called a wetdream. The ejaculation is different to real orgasm. Less energy is expelled out. It involves ejaculation of prostate juice with little bit of semen. Its like House cleaning.

:black_small_square:Why it happens ?
It is a product of our unconscious mind. There is no proper cause for it.

:black_small_square:Can i control it ?
No, it beyond our control for now.

:black_small_square:Is it harmful ?
No, actualy it is a blessing in disguise. It release our stress and regulate chemical balance in our body.

:black_small_square:When does it happens … is their a frequency ?
No, There is no fixed amount of time. It can happen at any time.

:black_small_square:Does it ever stop ?
Yes, As we do nofap for longer period of time… like for many years… they say it stops completly. They dont even get dreams at that stage. The stage of Nirvana.



Day 15
After 23 days went outside my house
God Mode

When i woke up i felt good and energized. After doing morning routine … i went to see my bicycle… it was biting dust …oh sorry ! It was covered in dust and spiders webs. Its tires were gone flat because of no air.I removed the dust with a cloth and fill the air in tires with the help of a Air pump. Then i ride on my bicycle in the open air… i took it in busy public area … in market. Then i returned home. After 23 days i went outside my home. For straight 23 days i was living my life inside 4 walls but not anymore i have gather enough courage and strength to face my fear.

Last time i became impatient when i was just about to break this social anxiety and i relapsed on 31st day of my previous streak. After that i had a 8 day streak and now i am going strong again with 15 day streak…
I have learnt my lesson that it is not a 100 meter sprint but a marathon race… so stay patient if you are not feeling benefits… they may come slow and late but you will get them that is for sure.

She is also waiting for you and she wants you …

She { God } = Final destination = Blissful life … full of joy and peace.

1 Like

Day 16
God mode
All about Anxiety


My anxiety is at its maximum level. It effects me in my daily work and life. For example : i cant eat my food in peace in front of people Or alone. Basicaly anxiety cripples you. You cant do simple life tasks when you are anxious.

One of my reasons to do nofap is this fucking anxiety.

The anxiety is is there because we are stuck in our lives. We have problems and we have no solutions for them. It opens the door for anxiety. Slowly and slowly when we take charge of our life and we move in a natural flow… working on problems and improving on ourself… things begin to change.

Relapse is my biggest cause of anxiety. The more my streak increases… the more better it gets… this time i want to kill this anxiety to the ground and bury it there … so that i can live the rest of my life in peace and happiness.


Day 17
God mode
Even The Bad days are good

Nothing to write today so picked up a nice song lyrics… enjoy…

I pick myself up again
whenever I fell I follow the road of life through heaven and hell
I traveled a million miles, mountains and seas… Mountains and seas.
Life has a funny way of bringing you down And let you walk away with your head in the clouds .

We all need the lows to feel the high… Everyday has a sunny side A sunny side …Even the bad days are good … Even the bad days are good.

Good Days give you happiness
Bad days give you experience
Worst days give you a lesson

Singing out for now.


An extra update for day 17 :

I have experienced a sudden pull in anus. It is not that my anus want a dick… :grin: and this is not a comedy show either. Heeeeheee… i had experienced this anus pull before. It happens all of a sudden … a sharp pain and goes in just 1 or 2 second. It may happen while standing or siting… and i had it yesterday while sleeping. Strange ! Isnt it… like some Root Chakra Opening or healing… something like that…
Other nofappers too have shared similiar experiences with me. Dont know what it is… But one thing is sure… i am on right track

Day 18
god mode
Getting Uncomfortable

Previous night had trouble in sleeping and i found that i have to do some hard work in order to get strong and get a good night sleep. Today i went outside in public. There i faced my fears and i sweat in the summer heat. Getting outside regularly is very essential for us. It makes us physicaly & mentaly tough.
I have reduced my phone usage. I take part in family activities more. I eat less and sensibily.

Tomorrow i am planning to start evening workout to get my fitness back… plus i need to work on my sleeping pills.
Good day.

Day 19
God Mode
Am i a Coward !


Today i took an escape from a social situation. Two of my relatives had came to visit our house. My mind is so anxious that before they visit it starts too much overthinking and As the time of wait increases it totaly destroyed my courage to face them. Like a coward i locked myself in a room on second floor and wait for them to go. This is a shame and it breaks my confidence.

I want the courage to face new people…
I want the courage to walk in soceity with confidence.
I want the courage to do my daily tasks with ease.

There is no one who is gonna do it for me… i have to take steps in the right direction…

I have to make some plans to face my challenges of life. I need a Time Table to regulate my daily activities to walk forward in life. I need some physical work to acomplish physical fitness. I need to reduce my sleeping dose to get back to reality.

I need to face my fears

An extra update for day 19 :
All about the Urges

As my wife and kids gone to their parental home… i am left alone in the room. Finding me alone … The devil wishpered in my ears … let us check some new hot videos and i immediately silented those voices. It was a mini urge… hence a mini victory. I am expecting more bigger urges in the coming days… plus its my biggest Test… without which i can not reclaim myself. They say … every time you defeat an urge… you reclaim a lit bit of you…

Quick Q&A :
:black_small_square:What is an Urge : When you crave for porn and faping… a strong desire to watch or fap … temptation of opposite sex… etc.

:black_small_square:When does it come : There is no fix time or day. It usualy comes in the first week… when you defeat it… it goes silent for some time… it hits back … when you feel low, stressed, bored… etc. It comes during lonliness also.

:black_small_square:How to defeat an Urge ? First of all follow nofap rules… like no watching… no touching… no thoughts… Then… if it comes out of the blue… crush it with full force and say a big NO to them

:black_small_square:Do they ever stop ? Yes… but after a very long time …i guess… when you make it a habit of defeating these temptation … you make your will power strong as an iron.

Day 20
God Mode
This body must suffer

Enough of foolish madness… now you must suffer in hell. Wake up… you pill eating shit… enough of feast and food… now you must pay for your sins…

From now… whatever happens i will not take more than 1/4th of the dose… Lets settel down to the lowest dose possible … and than go for Total quit…

During the process… i must endure this… . This weakness leaving the body. The punishment of my sins. I am ready for it now…

My name is साहस / courage …

An extra update for Day 20 :
Only the daring shall have it

As i had said… i did it.
Took 1/4th of the pill… body wanted the usual dose… and i said… go fuck yourself… you must pay for your deeds. It tormented me… severe pain in head… 2 hours of hell… but i kept saying… bring it on… and finaly the pain along with weakness left my body and i slept.
Woke up at 7 am. I used to wake up at 10 am… that was very bad. Early morning waking … it felt good… rewiring happened… then i decided to go for a morning walk outside my comfort zone. It felt so good.
Amazing … i was walking like normal people. My awareness increased. I worked those weak pair of legs … then returned home with happiness… that now i can do it…
Studied a bit … now relaxing… good day. Looking forward to tonight challenge and more mind game. Tonight we will dine in hell. YEAH !

Embrace The Change

:black_small_square:What is Orgasm ?
It can not be explained in words…

:black_small_square:What are the physical effect of an Orgasm on the body ?
During orgasm my whole body shake and a sudden release. After few seconds i feel my body very light… like something has gone out… All is left is weakness and shame. What a WASTE of life.

:black_small_square:Do you want an Orgasm in future ?
I dont want to waste my life force.
I want to be remembered as a strong man… and not a weak piece of idiot shity animal.
I have to make myself an ideal husband and a father, A Role model for not only my family but for others also.
I want to be wise and intelligent.
Full of power and energy.
Peace in my heart.
A Balanced human being.

By doing Orgasm again and again… all i can have is a miserable life… full of diseases … physicaly… mentaly… a wreck.

I want to love others with heart and not with sexual lust.

Found a link To My Neurological Disease

I have a movement disorder called cervical dystonia.
Basicaly In it my head jerks in a abnormal way with twist of neck muscules.

So what i observed ?
:black_small_square: It happens when i am exhaushted… out of energy…
:black_small_square:when i am not present in the moment. I mean when i have brain fog. No focus & concentration.
:black_small_square: Social anxiety & fear
:black_small_square:Lack of confidence & self belief.

Luckily, i have found its permanent cure in the form of NoFap Hard mode.

As my streak increases
:black_small_square: i become confident of myself.
:black_small_square: No fear & social anxiety
:black_small_square:Full of energy & vitality
:black_small_square:Better focus & concentration
:black_small_square:With increase in awareness or present in the moment.
:black_small_square:Rewiring of brain… New healthy habits… Reboot

Above mentioned factors… completly eliminate my diseases.

A little history on the illness :
I was born normal and i develop this disease at the age of 18… 4 years after heavily masturbating daily

1 Like

Just dont masturbate for 90 days and see whats your body states.

1 Like